Age:18
Weight-135 lbs
Dose-~25-30 mg
Set: I’ve been
depressed as hell lately I want to try and pull myself away from all of it. I
had 265 mg in a bag. I measured out roughly 500 mL of water (imprecise
measurements, don’t do this!) and dissolved the 265 mg in there. That was a
little more than 1 mg/2mL. I then measured out (again, very rough) 50 mL of
water and put it in a separate bottle. This I would take with me on my journey.
I did 1500 ug of 25i-NBOH a little more than a week ago, so I have that in my
system, probably dampening the full effect of my dose.
T0:00- I get off
a bus in North Philly and chug down the bottle. It’s nauseatingly bitter. I
walk towards my safe place, a secluded spot under a bridge where if things get
too intense I won’t make a scene.
T0:30- Getting
the first feelings- a floaty body and a generally uplifting rushing feeling. It
approaches. I reach my safe place and smoke a bowl. With each hit I take, I can
feel myself sinking deeper. I feel heavier and slower. Sounds begin to warp
around me. Its building and building.
T0:40- I look up
to the sky and find it drifting and breathing with patterns. Every ray of sun
cuts through the glassy cold atmosphere and glistens on the frigid trees, all
breathing and swirling with color. I am weightless yet glued to the ground
where I sit. My mouth twists into a smile and I giggle. The sound of cars
running over the bridge above me echo and warp and drone and shake as they wiggle
down to me below. I decide I’m lucid enough to be in public. I walk into the
park nearby and sit by a pond. The ground is covered in snow and the setting
sun glows dull and melancholy on it. The air feels blue, everything feels cold
and blue, as if a chilling mist has settled on the landscape. I am shivering
violently, part the usual tremors in reaction to most drugs I take, part being really
cold. I lie down on a rock and bask in the swirling breathing cold that
surrounds me. Visuals are pretty light, the trees appear to contain repeating
patterns and they swirl and breathe, but that’s about it. Nothing all-consuming
and they can be ignored if I want to (but why would I want to?).
T1:00-I am lying
on this rock, thinking blue thoughts in the blue world. It feels like I’m
sinking into the rock, like my frigid body has become joined to this frigid
stone. It is like there is a blanket being pulled tightly over me, binding me in
place. I hoped a tryptamine would be more kind to me emotionally than my recent
phenethylamine experiences have been. So that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Still the same ill emotions amplified in me. Still the same sadness, the same
grim outlook on life, the same fear of a future as bleak as the cold blue air
today. I close my eyes and I am consumed by the closed eyed visuals, concentric
patterns flashing and pulsing with color. That was neat I guess. I sigh and
stand up, the cold hugging my body and forcing me to shiver. The snow is
dancing with colors but I feel so sad and disappointed. “same old bullshit,
same old same old”
I walk to the
river. The air feels bluer than ever, an icy twilight chill hovering over
everything. The entire river is frozen over. Intricate patterns trace through
the ice, I’m not sure if these are natural or a result of the drug. I can sense
the cold hovering over and coagulating on the icy river. Walking along I decide
to sit and ponder and stare at the ice some more. This happens a lot as I walk
along the river. It all feels so sad and I don’t know where I’m going to go
back to. Every time I sit I feel glued to where I am, it’s very hard to stand
up.
T1:40-I am
feeling a bit better as I walk. I’m feeling more confident and beginning to
realize all these ill thoughts-the social paranoia, the pessimistic view of the
future- are not objective things, it’s my perception of these things that
decides how they make me feel, and I may have the power to break free of
everything and change that. I may have the power to dismiss the delusional
paranoid thoughts as toxic delusions, I have the power of dismissal, I feel it
now more than ever before. I feel like I am being cleansed, like this chemical
is washing my mind free of every horrible thought that pollutes my mind and
poisons it into self-destructive illness. I sit on a bench and watch the orange
rays of sun cut through the icy blue air and glance off the icy surface of the
river. I smile, everything will be better, I will be better. I’ve spent my
entire life hating myself, I need to try something else now, it was just not
working. I sit at the steps of the art museum overlooking the city and think
about how many stories I’ve spun in the space before me, all the experiences
I’ve experienced, all the things only I have felt and known that I can only
dream of sharing with others. Regardless of whether or not I can share these, I
know they only exist in my mind and no one else’s. Once I’m dead, those
memories, those stories are all gone. They aren’t recorded, they only exist in
one place, and its up to me to preserve that one place as long as I can. I put
so much work into living and into being and into exploring the world around me,
and I needed to do more of that for as long as I could because there was so
much world to create and so much world to explore, I couldn’t waste that by
hating myself and killing myself.
T2:30-After
aimlessly sitting for a while I set off across the city. The 2 hours that
followed were wonderful and beautiful. I walk around the city, taking in the
experience of a million people around me and the monument to living they have
created around me. I take joy in all the people around me in the street, every
building. I am brimming with confidence in how comfortably I exist in this
space together with all these people. Visuals hardly exist anymore, but I definitely
*FEEL* high. Very high. Sounds still dance and warp. After wandering the city
for a while I return to my school and relax and warm up.
~conclusion~
Beautiful life
changing trip. Cannot articulate how beautiful it was. Not very visual or
extremely strong, maybe due to the tolerance I built up. The lessons I thought
I learned would end up not sticking, as nothing ever does. It turns out I am
much less in control of things than I had thought.
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