Age:19
Weight-130 lbs
Dosage: 3 tabs LSD (300-480 ug),
300 mg DXM, 100 mg DPH, some quantity of DPT
I followed a strict schedule for
dosing-
7:30- 50 mg DPH
8:00- 100 mg DXM, 50 mg DPH
8:30- 3 tabs LSD, 100 mg DXM
9:00-100 mg DXM
9:30- DPT Intranasal
(I was also on prescribed 300 mg
Buproprion and 300 mg Gabapentin at this time)
The setting was
in my room, made to bleakness. Auditory was the hum of white noise, lighting
was only an extremely bright CFL bulb pointed directly at my face. The dosing regimen
was begun after a shower, with ginger tea used to suppress inevitable nausea.
Nothing felt
until about 8:45, after first administration of DXM and some LSD. My body is
feelin off and very floaty, a strange sort of warm numbness. My head feels like
it’s going to drift away, the typical dissociative feeling, associated with a
sort of glowing pulsing patterning on surfaces, slowly becoming more and more
prominent. By 9:15 I definitely feel very very altered, I have the usual dex
walk feeling, but I get a sense that my limbs are jerking around in a strangely
organized patterned way, probably compliments of the LSD. If you imagine you
were viewing someone moving behind a grid of glass bubbles, their movements
being jerked to the edge of the bubbles because of the glass’ distortion,
that’s kinda what I felt like.
By
the time I decide to take the DPT, I am feeling such a rush of the world
dissolving around me, everything seems darker and I feel like my body is in all
sorts of places where it isn’t. I decide to just snort it right out of the bag.
Not really sure why I would do this, there’s absolutely no way to accurately
measure anything. I guess my judgment was impaired. I rail the powder and it
feels like someone shot me in the face with a shotgun, but instead of shot its
glitter and fog. I just barely manage to put the bag down before I just feel
myself automatically, reflexively fall backwards onto my bed. I lie here, the
entire room a spinning mess of fractals and patterns lit in strange ways and
close my eyes.
I’m
not really sure what happened here, this is a complete blank in my memory.
Chronology was impossible to keep at this point. I believe I may have fallen
asleep or gone unconscious in some way. Either way, I definitely felt myself
open my eyes and come to, albeit in a very strange world. My entire room had
become dull sepia toned and high contrast, with values becoming washed out and
everything looking flat. Everything was swirling with some unknown force- if
you google a video of blood flowing through veins under a microscope, that is
pretty much what my room looked/felt like (I use the term “look” pretty loosely
from here on, my senses were scrambled and things were experienced beyond what
could be described as senses). Objects were warping, swirling and bulging as if
they were made of flowing syrup. I noticed if I dragged my hand on any surface
it would make very distinct metallic scraping ringing noise. Touching and
tapping things also made a metallic sort of clank. The soundscape- the ambient
white noise had transformed into a wild flanging and warping and bubbling,
random shifts in pitch accompanied by an ambient rushing noise, like water rushing
through pipes, an auditory version of the visuals essentially. The world was in
flux but was simultaneously so still.
Cognitive
function was too alien to even begin to describe. I was not even someone else,
I was something else, or some degree of alienation beyond that. However I
processed this environment was likely completely nonsensical to a sober mind,
with associations and thought processes seemingly arbitrary and random. It all
made sense at the time though. My internal monologue had become a nasally voice
speaking in the flattest most robotic monotone, saying random bleak phrases in
a strange verse and rhythm. I decided I could explore further. I lay down on my
bed and closed my eyes. I am sequencing the following events in a way that
seems like a logical progression in retrospect, even though they unfolded
beyond any sort of concept of linear time.
It
felt like I was caught in a furious wind storm, the fibers of my existence
being strewn and stretched about every which way. I watched a world of CEV’s,
fractals and afterimages of the room around me reduce into simpler and simpler
geometry until they dissociated completely into a flat checkerboard plane. I
wasn’t viewing this plane, or experiencing it even, this was me, this was me
and the entirety of existence, into one unsettling conclusion at the depths of
reduction. It seems at some point this too began to give way to a setting. All
settings described hereforth are once again not necessarily seen, heard,
sensed, or even experienced, they just were, and so was I. This setting was a
checkerboard plane floating in infinite black space. In one corner was the
familiar dex+LSD character, a block with a slab of meat(?) smacked upon it,
chains extending from it into the abyss. On here was a vaguely humanoid figure,
a grey putty in human form, with a metallic sphere for a head, two silvery lips
upon it, this being speaking to me in that same internal monologue voice, this
time it didn’t feel like it was coming from within me though, and it continued
to ramble about god knows what in that monotonous verse. It was spewing streams
of random words it seems, but at the time it all made perfect sense. Eventually
this world too gave way, I began to piece together some sense of “self”, some
sense of being detached from the world that could independently exist within
it. I became a black scribble with a checkerboard aura, pulsing pink and green,
and I simply wandered off. I wandered away from the familiar, I could feel the
strange plane and my actual setting my room fading into the distance as I js
wandered, and suddenly I found myself somewhere else entirely. Somewhere else,
something else, just completely beyond the scope of human comprehension, that
is what I simply ambled into.
This
was a place I have labelled “the dextroverse” (even though psychedelics played
heavily into its existence)
This
was something beyond recognizable human experience, typically a “space” is
explored through sensory inputs and stimuli, and typically an beyond that an experience
takes place within a “space”, a place defined by dimensions and an interplay
with time. None of this applied, this is incomprehensible to the human mind,
its incomprehensible to me, but it made sense to my dexed out acid brain, this
retrospective is rlly the most I can make of what was probably beyond any
description I can give. I’m going to describe this “world” in terms of sensory
inputs even though senses were irrelevant, my form wasn’t even anything that
could sense anything.
This
plane was a vastness, an impossible sprawling and open bleakness, akin to a
desert with a sky so imposing and huge it’s vacuum could be called monolithic,
and a flatness so crushingly sterile and bleak as sun baked bones. I floated
above this, a speck as insignificant as a speck could be. In the distance, the
astronomical distance, were mountains perhaps, or simply some sort of limit
placed on this yawning plane.
This place was inhabited.
Maybe I witnessed more, but only
2 sorts of being stick out. I would teleport around the place, space and time
were meaningless and I could go wherever I wanted however I wanted.
One could be described as a sort
of worm, it was dull grey and a sort of wrinkly, and looked as if it was made
of intestines. At one end was a toothy mouth lined in dark flesh (?), akin to a
francis bacon painting (see study for 3 figures at base of a crucifiction).
Upon seeing it, it seemed to flatten my experience and input, if a visual
analogy were made it would be said that gazing upon it turned the world 2
dimensional and slew any sense of depth perception. It pulsed with a sickly
green and pink aura, its sinews pulsing and bulging and warping. I do recall
that upon opening my eyes, it was still there, in my vision, flattening my
room, sitting dead center of my gaze no matter where I looked. Interestingly
the ambient noise seemed to flang and warp in sync with the bulging and pulsing
of its body. It eventually faded. This one seemed oddly familiar.
The other were two immense beings
next to one another, impossibly huge, larger than anything on earth. I flitted
around them like a speck of dust in a draft. These monolithic beings were
vaguely human shaped, their matter seeming to be a sort of swirling darkness.
These beings were completely and utterly indifferent to me and to anything
human or any sort of human struggle. The entire history of the world would be a
passing breeze to them. They were so alien and so incomprehensible cold,
indifferent, and unfeeling that the air and rocks around them seemed to glisten
with color and passion. My presence wasn’t just nothing to them, it was beyond
nothing, them choosing to consider my existence was a cosmic impossibility and
absurdity, and even if they did they would have no comprehension of something
so below them. Being near them felt like holding my brain and sanity to a
grinding wheel.
I think all of this ended about 2
hours later. I noticed that old familiar thought processes were coming back,
sensory inputs started to seem more …. Earthly, I was still very very fucked up
and altered, but I was human again. I spent the rest of the night watching my
roommate play videogames, my short term memory was completely shot for the rest
of the night, having conversations was very difficult. There really wasn’t much
else to note.
It seems as though parts of the
dextroverse were informed subconsciously by art and other things I had seen
(see: Mat Brinkman, Jesse Moynihan, Francis Bacon), I don’t think there’s
anything I could describe as being more strange and bleak and surreal than that
experience. I have never in my life been more separated from any sense of being
human or even from this reality and existence. Hell yeahhh
