Why why why?

CW: Suicide, depression, addiction/hard drugs

*I wrote this when I was just 20 and severely depressed, please excuse the language. Idk how much it applies anymore, I'm too busy to go back and assess this for now. There's nothing wrong with getting high, its stupid to try and justify it. Altering your mind is a human right, if you don't believe that you should fuck right off*

This is going to be a very personal post about my self absorbed self
Seriously this is some serious self indulgence honestly don't read it if I haven't linked this post specifically its kinda embarassing. or you can idk im not yr mom
This is more or less me trying to justify my use of hallucinogens
if you're just here to read about trip reports then ignore this, but dang i need to articulate this
First chunk is some general nerd shit, second chunk is about ~me~ haha

*By no means do I intend to invalidate the experiences and emotions of those who have suffered from drugs or had loved ones suffer from drugs... If you are against them overall that is understandable, I'm not trying to convince you to change your views, I'm more putting out a perspective towards them that I feel really pedantic about, also to provide context to my stupid self indulgent writng

Something that's been weighing on my mind a lot is stigma towards drug use... This is a very sensitive area as certain substances have caused very tangible harm to the friends of friends, and certain drugs do certainly and undeniably cause immense harm to people throughout the world.
I guess my first gripe is semantics, the term "drug" (psychoactive drugs) is vast. The immediate reflexive association most have, whether it be conditioning or experience is "drug=get high, get hurt". My issue with the semantics of this is that "drug" is an umbrella term that covers such a vast vast range of substances and effects, You've got opiates, cannabinoids, benzodiazepines, psychedelics, deliriants, dissociatives, stimulants, and many more/ all sorts of ones that straddle those categories.
An analogy you can make is to biological classification. The term "drug" would be akin to the kingdom level of taxonomy. You could look at a lion and say "that's an animal" which would be true, it belongs to the kingdom animalia. You could look at a tab of acid and say "that's a drug". But what happens if you don't have the subject right there for you to refer to? In abstract speech, telling someone you saw an animal is absurdly vague. Telling someone you did a drug is absurdly vague. I think a part of loosening stigma towards people who use certain substances is dividing this taxonomy into more specifics, so one can acknowledge the vast gaps between substances with respect to effects and harm to the psyche and body.  The paradigm of "drug" being some monolithic evil entity should be dispelled in favor of a more nuanced view that acknowledges the variety and benefits/detriments of a range of substances with a range of effects. This is not to say that some drugs are just entirely beneficial compared to others. Each has their roster of positive and negative effects, all of them have some negative effects, but the diversity and danger lies in the ratio of positive to negative effects and the severity of those negative effects. No drug comes without its catch. (btw I'm not saying certain substances deserve stigma and others don't, if someone is struggling with addiction don't stigmatize them, that is such an unbelievable dick move, show them love and compassion, be stern when you need to, but at the very least be there for them. I honestly haven't dealt too much with this myself though, there are better resources for helping loved ones struggling with addiction)
At the very least pare it down to the aforementioned categories of effects mentioned before, though honestly you might end up sounding wordy and pretentious. Or don't, this isn't imperative, but I'm going to try that.
The big problem is that conditioned association, (drug=get high get hurt). The word itself carries stigma, and that trickles down into everything it encompasses. I do not condone drug use, I do not recommend drug use, but I aim to be a resource for those who have made the decision for themselves. There are so many things psychoactive substances can do, so many directions you can take it, some can be extremely beneficial, others extremely detrimental. The detrimental side is what gets promoted (and honestly rightfully so, opiates, benzos, stimulants etc can do some really fucked up shit to people), but the more benign or helpful substances get lumped in with those and become guilty by association.
So on to psychedelics...
Another facet of the stigma is the idea that any mind altering substance is getting high, that it is a form of escapism and shirking the responsibilities of the real world. Some drugs have broken heavily into the mainstream (cannabis, alcohol), but in terms of their psychoactive effects, they are largely seen (in western society) as a means of hedonism, recreation, indulgence, and "getting high".
So then you have things like psychedelics getting lumped in with that, psychedelics to the layman are viewed as an extreme and daunting version of all the aforementioned indulgence. And maybe for some people, they are.
From here on out, I will be gloating as pretentiously as possible about my brand of drug use. First I must say, everything I'm saying is very very case specific to me, psychedelics can indeed have long term negative effects on people, whether it be traumatic experiences or uncomfortable revelations. I will not deny that they can be devastating for some people. It's extremely subjective, do not use anything I am writing to justify drug use of any sort. I am just writing this for my sake, this is about me, I needed to get this off my chest. I still do not condone using them, if you choose to take them please be careful please be responsible, some very real and bad things can happen.

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I guess it would be good to start with the big question. Why why why why why?  Well, imagination is extremely important to me and it always has been. Fantasies occupy most of my time and most of my mind. How this melded with the subconscious always fascinated me, how things could be perceived as an essence, and how these things would be stored in my mind as these perceived essences. Dreams and hypnagogic hallucinations fueled my curiosity towards the places a mind could go, the infinite freedom beyond this earth that the mind contained.
I first did acid when I was 16, it was pretty cool, but altered states still fascinated me. It was a mushroom trip (my first report) at 17 that really hooked me. I didn't know it was possible for a mind to do that, the boundaries of my existence were suddenly stretched infinitely far, and I was eager to be at the frontier of that.
Heavy use of hallucinogens began freshman year of college, and since them I've more or less tripped 4-8 times a month every single month (for the last 2 and a half years). At that time, I was wicked depressed, I was exploring my mind with the added benefit of perceived self destruction. It was cool. Use slowed down over time though, until a breakup that I didn't handle well at all. That is when it began in earnest. I began using again to destroy myself, as a desperate bid to traverse another world and abandon the sinking ship of mine.
It was an intervention from my parents that made me realize- This is a nuanced and fascinating area of study, bottomless in depth, with infinite unexplored frontiers. If I wanted to continue this, I should do it legitimately and contribute. I began amassing rare chemicals, I got myself a milligram scale to weigh out safe doses, I kept meticulous notes and journals and wrote a bunch of trip reports. I usually approach use ritualistically and in a controlled setting to perceive purely the effects of the hallucinogen. This is the way I am continuing now. I act with these goals in mind:

-Exploring the frontiers and depths of consciousness and subconscious, seeing how different substances, combinations, settings, and meditations can affect my perceptions of reality.
-Exploring and comparing the effects of different substances and forming some extremely rudimentary empirical idea of the relations between molecular structure and effects
-Cataloging the effects of substances so that I may help others with their explorations from a place of personal experience
-Shifting into an out-of-body paradigm where I am omnipotent, where I can create at my will and have my thoughts manifest materially before me, like a virtual reality sandbox game.
-Digging through the annals of my subconscious and potentially uncovering some sort of insight or otherwise taking advantage of the significantly induced introspective element
-Transcending my humanity
-Artistic inspiration (see this and this and honestly any picture I've made from 2013-onwards)
-Contacting 'entities'

Time to gripe about a particularly narcissistic delusion, a mild form of a persecution complex. That my use of hallucinogens has tainted and invalidated me in the eyes of others, that I am being lumped in with and associated with the harder and more consistently harmful drugs. This haunts me constantly, I feel like a disappointment and a failure to all of my peers, one who cannot live a sober life, I feel as though I am perceived as desperately escapist, fiendishly chasing my next high.
A definition of addiction is that one is addicted when drugs impede with their lives and are prioritized over other things. I have flaked on friends to trip (and lied to them about it), I have shirked scholarly and other responsibilities, indeed a great deal of my time and energy is dedicated to obtaining and experiencing hallucinogens. These are iffy behaviors, but I guess I can hazard a guess at one discrepancy. With other drugs, this is an uncontrollable compulsion chasing a very chemical high, a mind stricken with addiction craves and pursues relentlessly. I feel like I am in control here. I do not feel a compulsion to do this, I do not even feel 'high' from most hallucinogens, most make me feel sick and uncomfortable but they are fascinating experiences nonetheless. This is a cognitive motivation, not a chemical one. Like if I gave up all my time, ditched my friends and shirked responsibility to pursue entomology more passionately, no one would think twice about it, its a passion, its an interest and a hobby. One could say that one is more harmful than the other but like, I take almost every precaution I can to reduce every avenue of potential harm, and almost any hobby carries its risks (even mineral collecting, it can get bad when you find yourself inadvertently or unknowingly handling deathly toxic or radioactive minerals with your bare hands). But in all these pursuits, the risks arise from ignorance, and not to sound pretentious but I aim to strike away all ignorance about drug use, at least within myself, ideally within others. Education is key!
Another facet of addiction is drug use directly corresponding with negative mental states. This is something I admittedly struggle with, but I have been fighting it. Psychedelics are purely exploratory. Dissociatives however have been used as a means of self harm and catharsis in times of mental crisis. This is an area where I have faltered against my fundamental beliefs towards substance use. I am actively working to not do that anymore.
The other thing that stalks the nexus through which I travel is the element of the unknown. There is such powerful subjectivity, so many directions an experience can go, so many things that could potentially go wrong. There is merit in this argument, and I have had some truly nightmarish experiences. However I make the analogy that the unknown similarly stalks all varieties of certain recreational activities and hobbies, that interestingly enough do not carry stigma for their potential harm. Some are intensely more dangerous than psychonautics. I cannot find any consolidated statistics on deaths from hallucinogens. Overdoses have occurred in only a few substances, while other deaths have come from behavior while under the influence. In terms of overdose, I test or have vouched for all chemicals I receive to confirm their identity. Doses are weighed out on a milligram scale, and I have been finally titrating doses as of late (start low, work your way up, instead of diving right in). Combinations are heavily researched, especially in terms of pharmacological interactions in metabolism and in receptor activity. I do not go into experiences blindly. I hate to sound like I'm bragging, but I want to be reassuring. As for behavior well... there has been one out of 130 trips where I felt like my behavior might have put me in danger. That's a pretty good track record isn't it? That was long ago, and a valuable learning experience. Idk, this sounds douchey but I almost feel like I have a talent to resiliently take hallucinogens and generally remain under control of my mind, or at the very least remain safe in terms of setting and behavior. I have a series of meditations, mantras, physical reminders/anchors, and mental exercises meant to get me out of the psychological pitfalls that may arise.
What about long term effects? Well first of all I really don't plan on/cannot picture surviving very long but that's a story for another day. There is indeed a great element of unknown here, we have very few case studies (Shulgin lived to 88 and kept his mental fortitude till the peaceful end). This is a frontier I can reassure no one on, besides pointing to pharmacological data on close analogues to these substances. But like, realistically how many people are going to be interacting with me in 20, 30 years? It's a problem for the future, and should it strike me, it is what I deserve, it is the consequence of my actions.

Regardless,
I apologize profusely to those who I have hurt or disappointed with my usage of all drugs. It is what I enjoy, it is what I find fascinating. But those are not things I should be prioritizing over the feelings and insistence of others. I am sorry to those I have concerned with my use, I am eternally grateful that you show me concern. My ability to do this is one of the only things in which I have confidence in my competence. I am deeply sorry though. I hope this was able to seed a little more understanding towards my habits, but it is perfectly understandable if it is still disdainful and offputting to you. I just needed to vent.