2021 In Review

A lot has happened in my life in 2021! The wind picks up, as it always does, and cold sunny day is a adorned in birds and squirrels breaking the winter silence with their everyday activities.  And suddenly the frost parted for playing among the marshes, catching snakes and turtles, observing and hassling wildlife, As the sun climbs higher, hotter, more radiant, I am alive, everything around me is alive, the muddy roads and buckets overflowing with more and more beetles. The sun shone the life lived, it was all as it should. The ceiling decays, and bit by bit the leaves twirl down to the ground. I can smell the warm geosmin after it rains, I can smell heavy yet graceful odor of the broken pine stem. I was adrift, failing at my endeavors, (again) with an increasingly vague sense of purpose or direction. I want to be free to lay on the earth indefinitely, grass growing on my back, my courtesans can give me my droug of choice for the day, already crushed and racked; ready to go through whichever route I want.

I'm doing pretty well right now, and every day I stop and wonder how stable that really is or if this is some cruel prank by the universe to set me up for some terrible tragedy. Never before in my life did I think I ever deserved to have good things, and I am still wondering if its all real. I got engaged. I have lived comfortably with well paying seasonal gigs. Improved my culinary ability a lot. I (re)learned how to drive. I adopted a stray kitten! I began volunteering in one of the world's premiere pharmacology labs dedicated to discovery of new hallucinogens. I developed and improved my relationships with many of my family and genuinely love spending time with them, something that would've been unimaginable to younger versions of me. I have consumed so many moving, beautiful, and fascinating pieces of art and media. I do drugs, I do a lot of drugs, and I love doing them a lot. I have had so many incredible and valuable experiences with them, as well as many that were extremely challenging, uncomfortable, useless, dull, wasteful, or even in a few cases, hazardous. I have had so many new experiences, taken new risks and faced new adversities, and grown so much and learned so much!

The world is of course, in a terrible condition right now. It is difficult not to form or expectorate an opinion about it. If you don't want to hear a rant about politics then I won't post it here. Uhhh if you do, then here: 

https://pastebin.com/Q9CG9qJV

To my friends who know me well it is just preaching to the choir, it is nothing new or productive. To those who don't know me, now you do.

Despite this, I am still managing to feel ok despite a backdrop of extreme pessimism and an absolute loss of faith in all institutions and humanity at large. Probably just because so much other stuff has been going ok. We're fucked. I should just enjoy the ride until my last day which may come sooner than I'd like. 

Enough politics!

I have used more drugs than ever before in my life. This is a trend that continues to rise like every dreadful graph we see in the news these days. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I am constantly skating on a razor's edge with benzos, and I have been dragging the flotsam of non-benzo GABAergics lately too. I can't use drugs every single day, simply due to work/life/family obligations etc. But I take just about every opportunity to do drugs that I can beyond those bounds. Sometimes it seems like I am just doing them because I am able to that day. I am beginning to forget what to do with myself when I am sober. This is obviously a concerning trajectory. Yet- I make my life work. I get done what I need to. I secure as much income as I need, I maintain good relationships with people. If nothing is wrong why change it? Are these the kind of excuses every addict makes? I am well aware of my situation, but I have absolutely no intention of changing my habits any time soon beyond what is required by my other life obligations. 

Oh well. Little has changed. I still love dissociatives and benzos more than anything. I use them multiple times a week. I use cannabis just about daily. I use a wide variety of stimulants mostly for functional purposes. I use nonbenzo-GABAergics when I have access to them. I dabble in opioids too when I can. This was a family I never touched before because of its well earned reputation. I can see where the appeal is, though as far as depressants go I much prefer the GABA based ones. I can still get things done when I'm barred out. When I'm nodded I am just a body sitting still. I'm too high strung to sit still, way too neurotic. I hope to explore the botanical side of things soon as I learn more and more about that aspect of hallucinogenic studies. Much of this is knowledge and practice is courtesy of  a wonderful friend I've made this year who I will not publicly name, but they know who they are :).  Psychedelics I use sparingly, and mostly only in the context of exploring new compounds. The bodyload feels near prohibitive for me at this point. I love psychedelics and the psychedelic experience, but perhaps this limiting factor is for the best, to ensure I do not overuse them like I used to. Living with someone in a space where I can't privately shut myself off and be in solitude also lowers my desire to explore psychedelics. Beyond a very tight circle, I am unquestionably solitary when it comes to psychedelics. 

I have no essays or articles to share this year. Kind of disappointed in myself for really not writing anything other than reports for the whole year. I've really slackened on all these so called passion projects. Some of what would normally be peripheral activity on this blog has morphed into practical applications so perhaps that plays a part. I seem to be losing a lot of my ability to motivate myself and not sink into sloth. I don't really make any kind of visual art anymore. I have really lost my touch in that department. The only creative outlet that I feel that I have developed are cooking and uhh minecraft lol. I mostly just sit around and look at screens and indulge in as many simple, comfortable, and immediate sensory pleasures as I can. I am the path of least resistance, I am a slob, a slacker, and a wastrel, I'm not proud of it but I'm not particularly ashamed either sorry. This shows no signs of improving and in fact seems to be on a downwards trend. Is this a result of drugs? Or is it just a weak brain, stressful circumstances, natural consequences of getting older, a lack of work ethic a lack of healthy effort/reward systems, etc. etc. I will tell myself whatever I need to to sleep at night. I am not on a good path but I will nonetheless stride confidently into the darkness. I cannot maintain a lifestyle like this forever, the human body and mind simply are not meant to. But I love every second of it and as it stands I likely won't stop until my hand is forced in some way. I'll make it work as best I can, until I don't. I don't want to force people in my life to be there to catch me when I fall. I don't want to fall in the first place- but this feels inevitable. Perhaps I am being pessimistic. Perhaps I will age out of this gradually and gracefully and quietly leave this world behind someday. Perhaps I will develop a healthier and more moderate relationship with drugs that will serve me sustainably for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is telling that it is so easy to imagine how this can go wrong, and so hard to imagine how it can turn out okay in the end. Only time will tell where that story will go.

As a wise man once said,

"The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!"

While I'm still talking about myself, a few little new things I added to develop more of a sense of online identity-

An FAQ section! I get asked a lot of questions! I don't mind answering them and having a chat (though I am really bad at replying in a timely manner). But perhaps this will answer some of them.

A twitter account! shitposting mostly 

I wrote an rc themed creepypasta, to celebrate Halloween. I tricked a few people on reddit but it was all just for fun :p

 A calendar tracking my drug use day by day, shared to reddit. I made this for my own benefit so I could be cognizant of how often I was using certain types of drugs to help set limits for myself. I recently have made it public though. 

If you stuck by this far thanks, I've reached levels of self-absorption and pretentiousness I thought unachievable before. Here's the fun part.

This is a ranking of every drug I tried for the first time in 2021. At the bottom of the list are many that I did try, but I did not gain enough experience with to form an opinion yet. There has simply not been another year where I tried this many new compounds. Is this the peak or will it only go higher? Who knows. Cheers to another year off base from reality :) 

1. 3,4-MD-PCP - Definitely the most interesting drug I took this year. Its hard to really say something short about it or generalize it, because the experiences I had with it varied wildly depending on setting and dose. Precisely what I loved so much about it was that it was inconsistent and hard to define, always full of surprises and novelty. I thought this was going to hit the market soon but it has not yet. Eagerly awaiting when I can restock it and experiment more. 

2. 3-Me-PCPy - This stuff rules it's like dissociative cocaine. Pure recreational rush, stimulating manic dissociation, and a short duration that makes it wonderful for binging. Works as well as a stimulant as it does a dissociative. Great for social settings. Great for low commitment dissociative indulgence.

3. 3-Me-PCE - Short and sweet, another wonderful social drug- but it packs a surprising punch when aimed high enough. Introspective and interesting when it wants to be, shallow and simple when it doesn't. Stimulating and invigorating! I think this is a fun and useful one.

4. Pregabalin - I strongly dislike alcohol, mostly for its nasty side effects and unpleasant ingestion. The actual feeling of drunkenness is quite nice, were it not for the persistent headaches and nausea I get. Well Pregabalin gives me that almost exactly. Just the nice lightheaded disinhibition and warm sociability, without the spins and vomiting and splitting skull and terrible flavor. A+ in my book. Also can be somewhat visual which I really enjoy.

5. Zolpidem - A weird one for sure, but reliably very enjoyable. Consistently gives me the "magic" I used to feel more often from benzos, a sense of imagination and adventure that I had fallen so deeply in love with. Also a bit scary, I've never blacked out totally but I've definitely been messed up to the point of breaking things or accidentally hurting myself (usually tripping on/smacking myself on things) and not even noticing until the next day. So fun but so dangerous. Doses also seem to affect me wildly, 50 mg has had me at a near blackout and I've also remained fairly lucid and functional up to 130 mg. No idea what's up with that (and this was all from the same batch of genuine pharma from eastern Europe)

6. Temazepam - Probably one of my all time favorite benzos, joining the ranks of Etizolam, Pyrazolam, and Clonazepam. Super useful, in its short duration and that it usually won't leave residual amnesia the next day. Really nice and euphoric and great fun at high doses too. All around a nice time.

7. 1cP-AL-LAD - A delightful psychedelic, very likely just a prodrug for AL-LAD, but just qualitatively I thought it was a lot more visual. Stimulating and invigorating, but also soft, gentle, and ultimately, a lot of fun! And like I said before, it was intensely visual.

8. 1V-LSD - Also probably just a prodrug for LSD, but it felt a different character to me. Maybe that's just a placebo effect, but its up on the list because I love regular LSD so much. I only had one experience with it, it was deep, dreamy, vivid and heavy. Maybe it was just the setting. Who knows. I had a good and valuable time.

9. 2-FMA - Good stimulant for staying awake for a long time, like being at work or something. Can be euphoric at higher doses, sometimes this is nice, sometimes this gets in the way of doing things. I normally just take it to do things or stay focused for a while. Purely functional but if you find stimulants fun you would probably like this at higher doses too.

10. 3-CPM - Near indistinguishable from 3-FPM in every regard, dosage, potency, overall feeling. A gentle and neutral stimulation that is good for staying awake and motivated and aware. Perhaps a bit more euphoric than 3-FPM but otherwise I don't think I could tell the two apart. This is a good thing, I think 3-FPM is pretty cool.

11. Flubrotizolam - Just another fun benzo, reminded me of etizolam but was a bit more sedating. I love etizolam so this is high praise. I've found some fatal flaw or some issue in most benzos I've tried recently, but can't really say much bad on this one.

12. LSZ - An oddly shaped lysergamide. This was long, gentle and mild. It felt like just enough, it felt comfortable and like being in good hands. I had a wonderful time with this one, it's quite euphoric and insightful and easy to navigate. Not extremely visual and not super novel or exciting but objectively something nice and worthwhile.

13. DOF - I typically find myself bored with the less visual psychedelics that often feel more like stimulants with a bit of a psychedelic edge. This one though, mild in many regards, felt truly psychedelic in its cutting insight and analytical depth. It made engaging with media or with other people fascinating and memorable. It would be great in a social setting. But still, mostly just offers a mild experience.

14. 2-FA - Short somewhat euphoric but also useful stim. Good for staying awake if I'm feeling tired at some social occasion. Not much to say.

15. 3-FA - Like 2-FA but more euphoric and recreational and less functional. I don't enjoy the stim high much so it goes below 2-FA on my list. oops.

16. 4-HO-PiPT - Surprisingly vivid and intense, but also quite short lasting. Freaky and alien, just a bizarre wacked out experience for a bit. It's an interesting one in my opinion, I wish it were a little longer.

17. MiPT - At the time I thought this was a really mild and lackluster experience but I keep finding myself coming back to my memory of it, there was something unique that really embedded every moment of that experience deep in my memory, made the experience seem worthwhile. I would love to experiment more with this one, perhaps in the context of consuming some sort of media or reading about a specific topic. 

18. DOPr - When I said I 4-HO-PiPT wasn't long enough, I didn't meant this long! This is probably the longest lasting psychedelic I have ever taken. It's novel, interesting, and fun, but also a fucking marathon and a trial. I am glad that I experienced it in all of its glory, and I am content to not feel any need to revisit it. Definitely a treasure if you can find it. 

19. Triazolam - This is maybe lower because I only had a few opportunities to ingest it, it's fun, its a short benzo, there's not really much else I can say based on what I experienced. Maybe I'd like it more if I got more acquainted. 

20. Hydrocodone - It's an opioid, it's quite euphoric, it is extremely popular for a reason.

21. Dihydrocodeine - Another fun opioid, albeit softer and less intense than Hydrocodone or Oxycodone. Apparently not too common.

22. Rilmazafone - Very useful, but not particularly recreational. It’s a great sleep aid, especially when coming down from something stimmy, and it doesn’t give me as much next-day amnesia as other benzos do, which can be super helpful sometimes. Otherwise though there isn’t much euphoria or anxiolysis or amnesia during its active phase for me, just a bit of sedation. 

23. CBN - Cannalogue that is very nice for falling asleep or taking a nap. Not much to say other than that.

24. Δ10-THC - Another Cannalogue. Not sure I could distinguish this from Δ8, which I quite like. 

25. Flurazepam - Long and sleepy benzo, metabolizes into norflurazepam and feels just about the same. Not as sleepy as flubromazolam or clonazolam or flualprazolam, just a long soft time. 

26. 3C-P - Writing my report for this one currently, but it's a long lasting psychedelic stimulant more than anything else. Fun euphoric psychedelic headspace stretched across a long peak, but otherwise just sort of stimulating.

27. 3,4-DCMP - Super potent stimulant that lasts forever, what could go wrong? The linked report is what can go wrong lol. It's good for if I want to be stimmed for a long time, which isn't always appropriate. 

28. MALT - Short and mild like any base trypatmine would be, surprisingly visual and pleasant at times, but fairly nondescript too. 

29. HXE - Heavy and confusing and disorienting dissociative that is hell to snort. It's decent at low doses, at high doses it is an odd vacillation of cool and warm, but it is always deep dark and heavy. I can't really see any way of fitting it into my regular rotation. I feel like I've gotten all I want to out of it.

30. PiPT - Short little psychedelic that didn't leave too much of an impression on me, nothign too remarkable and nothing that feels worth revisiting. Wasn't bad in any way, just unremarkable. 

31. Baclofen - Quiet and subtle GABAergic, a step above gabapentin, a bit uncomfortable at high doses. Does not play well with other GABAergics, can cause vomiting :x

32. DOiP - Nice psychedelic headspace but a heavy bodyload that was way out of proportion with the other effects. Would probably be nice if it didn't feel so bad physically.

33. α-PiHP - Ok fine I have to take back my standard that all pyrovalerones suck. It does still smell like toxic cum. But it's pleasant enough, and most importantly didn't make me feel miserable after the peak wore off. It's a pretty low bar and I don't really love it, but it was better than I expected.

34. Flutazolam - Subtle but long lasting. Not intense or recreational enough for my tastes. Just a low-key amnesia not much else.

35. Mexazolam - Just amnesia and nothing else. Not really a fun or useful benzo unless I want to skip through time and feel nothing about it.

36. Flubromazolam - Too long lasting, too sleepy. I am groggy and blacked out for a day or two. Where's the fun in that. This would be useful if I wanted to kill a stim at its peak and sleep for a while I guess. Otherwise feels like a waste of time.

37. Buprenorphine - It was a decent long lasting opioid except for the time I overshot it and couldn't keep food down for like 2 days. (I can still get high on it because I have no tolerance at all lol)

38. Flunitrazolam - This shit cannot be good for me. Feels like I was tossed right into the depths of withdrawal the moment it wore off, I literally jolted awake in the middle of the night. Felt jittery and overstimulated the whole next day. All bad.

Need to revisit:

Dexoxadrol: You have no idea how excited I was to finally obtain a sample of this drug. Dioxolanes are super exciting. I've written about them extensively, both the existing ones and potential future ones. I believe there is so much unexplored potential in this class of super rare and obscure dissociative and I finally got the chance to try one. Why have I just been sitting on it for months having only done one little trial dose that was definitely too little? Idk just waiting for the right moment to aim higher I guess. One inhibitory issue is that the powder is extremely clingy and difficult to work with without losing a lot. I don't know how to solve this. I will do a big dose and write about it someday. 

βk-2C-B: Tried once, I was treading warily because of different reports of effects varying wildly across doses for different people. I got mild effects and would definitely aim higher. I would like to do it again around other people, which is hard these days. Haven't found the time.

3-MMC: Tried once, it was just okay. Also want to wait to try again when I'm around other people. I want to know what all the hype is, kinda hoping I don't fall in love with it because of how hard it is to get now.

Codeine: Tried once, as a single dose I scored, in pill form. It was a pretty low dose all things considered and a mild experience. Would love to revisit it in the form of lean lol.

FXE + AD2PV: I tried this mixture as it was sold, I felt the pyrovalerone too much and didn't enjoy it. I am working on figuring out a reliable way to separate and purify the 2 compounds. I will probably revisit FXE in earnest when I have it isolated.