Why why why why why? The Realignment: A Statement on Substance Use

Why, why why why? Why am I doing this? What is to be gained at this point? This is a plea I often make to myself when faced with particularly challenging experiences, the uncomfortable or terrifying or downright painful. It is a prayer I cast into my brain when I am bled upon my bed, muscles clenched, limbs and extremities crooked, fingers clutching at nothing praying for release. The experience recedes, sometimes with a chemical counter-balance, and I find myself raw and burnt-out in its wake, and I ask myself why I did this, why have I subjected myself to this? Drugs are not always fun. For me, they are in fact explicitly not fun in most cases, replete with an arsenal of side effects and negative physical or psychosocial stipulations.

 

So why am I doing any of this?

            I wrote a post a while ago, at the ripe young age of 20, to attempt to justify my drug use, in preemptive response to the “haters” (Those who love me and see my drug use as a form of suffering, as something to be suppressed and annihilated and stricken from my existence entirely, or those who have a cautious concern for my lifestyle). Things have changed a good bit since then- no longer does there feel a need to truly justify this existence to other people, I can just simply do it independently. I am resolute in my intentions and my sense of self. This is more a declaration than a justification. I should not need to convince anyone of anything, this is my personal reasons for my personal mission.

To alter one’s mind is a right that should not be restricted. The alteration of the human mind is normal, common, and exists on a spectrum. Altered states that affect our performance in our roles amongst others arise in so many ways, and when we must confront them without our consent they are often considered pathologies. The surprising frequency of hallucinations in the general populace, the horrendous toll of sleep deprivation and the illogical puzzlebox of suicidal ideation are all divergences from normalcy that fill us with alarm, but are a fact of our existence. Alterations of our consciousness can strike at any time, why should we not be allowed to control them, contain them, utilize them, send them forth? Further, without our consent, we can find ourselves in positive states too: stricken with spiritual ecstasy, a lovedrunkenness that clouds judgement, a state of fundamental bliss triggered by experiencing immaculate beauty or the transcendence of meditation. And we accept this. Alteration can come in so many forms in so many ways. Spiritual practices particularly have for millennia sought transcendence of the confines of our mind. Chemically induced alterations certainly stand far and above as the most acute and extreme end of the spectrum, but they should be seen holistically within the entirety of what a person can do to their mind.

The prevailing perceptions of substance use do not correspond to any objective reality, but are tangled through millennia of shifting cultural mores, like layers of sediment fractured by the creeping of the earth. For our world to have a healthy relationship with mind-altering substances, for our world to approach them in a just and productive manner, for our world to address these troublesome chemicals with an objective eye, requires a fundamental restructuring of everything. Conditioning is an unstoppable force and the currents of human culture through time, filtered through our blessed yet ignorant ancestors, make what should be a simple relationship into something quite complex. Everyone has heard the rant about how the most normalized drug in our society is one of the most intensely and uniquely incapacitating. A drug that can kill from overdose, that drives a physical dependence with potentially lethal withdrawal, one that stokes fires of violence and comorbid mental illnesses to great social detriment. I don’t intend to make a whipping boy of our normalized alcohol but it stands as an idol to cast upon us how absurd and out of touch our perceptions of alteration are. It is absurd and utopian to ask that people simply step back and view substances for the individual alteration they provide, as that disregards the tangible material harm that so many suffer. So much of this suffering is intimately entangled in the culture of prohibition and disproportionate normalization, but that is a whole other path to tread. We cannot view drugs through a lens of being wholly beneficial, as we cannot view them through a lens of being wholly detrimental. Our world  exacerbates the vicious qualities of so many chemicals, but it would be remiss to ignore the presence of those qualities in the first place. It is best to approach drugs in a manner that is both level headed but also acutely aware of how they are currently caught in the dusty cobwebs of conditioning and prohibition. In a just world, it would be acknowledged that altering the mind is a human right that carries inherent risk, but we are of course, nowhere near there yet.

            These words bring no relief to those who struggle under the burden of dependence and the psychological and emotional trauma that drug use can inflict on users and their loved ones. We should never forget this and let it stand as a sobering boundary to what is possible.

 

            Second, there are so many ways to alter one’s mind, there are so many possibilities out there, and it would be a betrayal of the human spirit to disregard that. Our perceptions of drugs are ruled by a handful of the available possibilities that have, through natural occurrence, ease of production, and cultural significance come to dominate the discourse. These are familiar anchoring compounds for their respective classes, you have amphetamine, cocaine, methamphetamine as the stand ins for stimulants, Ketamine and PCP represent the entire dissociative class, as do the classical psychedelics like LSD, DMT, or Psychedelic mushrooms. Opioids hold morphine as the standard, though they now dwell in the long shadow cast by heroin, and more recently, fentanyl. Benzodiazepines are guided by Alprazolam, the rapper’s delight. These are but a handful of molecules, and a robust body of work has shown that these compounds are not unique- there is a lot to be said for tweaking the various qualities of the experience into a unique constellation of effects from just a few minor modifications to a molecule. With this in mind, the field before us is near infinite in terms of drug development. Basic structures lend themselves to a mind boggling array of modifications that yield unique experiences with unique properties, and a massive amount of basic research must be done to characterize these possibilities. There could be so many surprises distributed throughout- revolutionary therapeutics, groundbreaking psychiatric medications, compounds of immense introspective or perhaps spiritual value, compounds that are just fun, along with ones that may be heinously addictive, devastatingly potent with an extremely narrow safety margin, or are otherwise lackluster and without purpose. But the fact is- we don’t know until we try. When humans explored their wildernesses, to learn what plants to eat, how to track which creatures, how to find proper shelter and develop beneficial social structures, this was fraught with risk and terror and devastating consequences, as is any exploration. The realm of modulating human consciousness through a seemingly infinite library of possible compounds is an oft forgotten frontier for exploration. I believe exploring and developing the infinite variety of compounds at our disposal, precisely characterizing their effects, and applying them in a way that sees net benefit for users, is a worthwhile venture into a broader development of the broader human psyche.

With this daunting field before me, one in which I do not stand alone but still separate from the others who gaze upon it, what am I to do?

In the realm of testing new substances, there are several noble goals- Those who wile away in labs and poring through obscure papers, blazing the trail of what is possible with varieties of compounds. Those who aim to develop a utilitarian framework for which substances may personally benefit their life the best. Those who want to understand the entirety of the possible experiences at our disposal and will taste everything possible. Those who stalk the communities looking for a new way to get high but may possibly return indispensable data.

We simply do not have the culture or resources to dedicate to a systematic characterization of the vast possibilities of mind altering substances out there, and the responsibility falls on those driven by the passion of exploration or self-improvement or otherwise a world adorned with chemical chandeliers.

This is where I and many others come in, this is where I state my personal mission statement for my personal brand of exploration, why I think it may be necessary, why I think this could someday serve our species.

For my own sake, I have found it helps to have a clear mission in my substance use. I will list out my personal goals and intentions here.

1.     To use substances to serve my life, whether it be to serve me therapeutically, serve me creatively, and/or enrich my life with exciting and novel experiences or enhance existing experiences. This includes pure recreation and use that could possibly be characterized as abuse.

2.     To comprehensively explore the wide variety of substances that exist for the purpose of understanding different altered states and to determine which can be used to fulfill the above goals best.

3.     To contribute to humanity’s knowledge on substances, either by firsthand experience or research and data collation based on those firsthand experiences, and to help further develop and contribute to the communities based around such knowledge.

4.     To determine ways to circumvent drug prohibition, both for the benefit of those who suffer under the oppression of the drug war and to demonstrate the intractable incoherency of prohibition laws.

 

These are lofty goals, and any meaningful accomplishment of them is beyond the scope of one person, especially one such as myself. . Perhaps to address them in this way is vain, arrogant, hubristic. Nevertheless, they serve as a guidepost for me to orient myself as I use substance frequently and to not lose sight of what is possible in the throes of the undeniable pleasure that drugs can provide.

What are the stipulations of these goals? And what do they mean in practice? I sure love writing words let’s dive right in 😊

1.   To use substances to serve my life, whether it be to serve me therapeutically, serve me creatively, and/or enrich my life with exciting and novel experiences or enhance existing experiences. This includes pure recreation and use that could possibly be characterized as abuse.

 

            This is the primary goal, and the one that encompasses the most possible uses for substance. It could be described as a utilitarian approach- even appreciating altered states for the intrinsic value of novelty falls under the utility of exploration. It is here where we must recognize several potential utilities for psychoactive substances. The first is pure utility- this is things such as using stimulants to stay awake or focus on tasks (indispensable as I am very prone to dozing off at inappropriate times), using depressants to help fall asleep, using nootropics to enhance general cognitive function/wellbeing (I haven’t quite taken the plunge on this yet), using dissociatives and psychedelics as therapeutics, using cannabis as an appetite stimulant, using opioids to manage pain, all are possibilities for sensible non-abusive ways for drugs to be used in my day to day life. Abuse however, is a fine and indistinct line that I will address further in a bit.

            There is one angle of this that is particularly worth mentioning, and that is the therapeutic and creative potential of hallucinogens. Both dissociatives and psychedelics have increasingly shown massive promise in helping to alleviate mental illness in specific situations. There is still a lot of work to be done but the rate of new studies on the use of hallucinogens in therapeutic contexts is increasing exponentially and shows no sign of slowing down, an exciting revolution in the face of decades of prohibition that held the science back. The NMDAr antagonist ketamine is indicated as a neurological treatment for depression, while substances like psychedelics and MDMA are indicated as aids to talk therapy. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence for people seeing major shifts in their lives and mental health as a result of particularly intense experiences across a range of substances. Anecdotally, I have found dissociatives, particularly 3-MeO-PCE and 3-MeO-PCP to be of immense value for introspection, formation of identity, reflection on mistakes or difficult choices, creativity, and overall cognitive enhancement and improvement of long term memory, introspection, and the ability to synthesize and assemble information. Psychedelics, particularly LSD and a variety of 4-substituted tryptamines have proven extremely useful in guiding a broader trajectory of life and long-term self development, overall outlook, and interpretation of reality. It would be a lie to say I would be the same person without ever trying substances. I would like to think it has improved who I am as a person, in how I process information and interact with others and deal with my own poor mental health. Even the challenging experiences have proven extremely valuable for development.

The creative potential of hallucinogens is also immense- I make it apparent in much of my visual art that a great deal of inspiration is drawn from my hallucinogenic experiences. I do not need to delve into the psychology behind this and waste your time with that, but it boils down to the exhilaration of stepping beyond the boundaries of what’s immediately before me. Simple enough I guess.

            What of novelty and recreation? For me, this is a complex interplay- there is a great deal of recreational value in the fulfillment that comes from novel experiences, the excitement of feeling something new, even if the experience itself isn’t necessarily pleasant. And there is also a great deal of recreational value in revisiting the same mainstays again and again, hammering them into different situations for the excitement of it. In my mind recreation is defined simply and broadly as an experience that feels like a worthwhile use of my time, that brings me either short term enjoyment, long term fulfillment, or both. Recreation is present in both the cognitive reflection of a drug experience and in the euphoric, stimulating, disinhibiting, sensory, and otherwise interesting or pleasant effects of a drug itself. It has often proven difficult to demonstrate to those not familiar with this hobby that I find value in the former and not just the latter, as the draw of drugs is often only attributed to the latter. And that may in fact be the case for many people, and there is nothing wrong with that! I think it is worth mentioning though that these experiences are not always fun- and this may sound like the talk of dependence, to be driven to consume substance despite a lack of any clear reward. But the unpleasantries arise mostly from novel substances that I choose not to revisit due to the discomforts. There are certainly many substances, especially psychedelics, where I choose to weather the negative effects because the returns seem worthwhile. I would characterize the majority of my psychedelic experiences as quite uncomfortable in fact, I seem to have become increasingly sensitive to intense bodyload as time has passed. However, they are completely and utterly fascinating, and that has me returning again and again, experimenting with combinations, different substances in new settings, or new substances altogether. There is so much value in novelty, it is truly its own virtue, and each new foray into the boundaries of both my familiar consciousness and familiar altered states feels like a worthwhile endeavor. This is not to discount pure recreation. The exploratory novelty phase is often a prelude to the phase of pure recreation, it is exploration to determine that which has therapeutic or recreational value. Pure recreation is a rush, it is like meeting an old friend for a smoke and some video games, it is like a date with a significant other, comfort and familiarity brought to subtly novel boundaries each time. With substances I have become reliably familiar and intimate with such as LSD or 3-MeO-PCP or 2C-B or 4-AcO-MiPT, I find myself expanding upon their effects by dosing them in as many different settings as possible- on an airplane, at the zoo, at the aquarium, at various parties and musical performances, on hikes into nature or through the city, in the house I grew up in (sorry Mom and Dad…), across the country or with a new movie or videogame. It is a wonderful angle on the virtue of novelty to enhance what is already an interesting sober experience with substance. It is not that I need drugs to have fun or enjoy these experiences, it is just that if I have the choice to enhance them with substance, I will. Comfort and familiarity serve an important baseline for me too, to fall back into habits of using the same substances in the same settings and doing similar activities, chasing the nostalgia of what was once a pleasant and nostalgic experience. As much as I love doing this (like the gorgeous interplay of 3-MeO-PCP + 2F-DCK and the game Chivalry: Medieval Warfare), it is admittedly an angle that can lead to habitual behavior and eventually abuse. It is undeniably a slippery slope.

Which leads to an extremely important aspect of drug use- drug abuse. Drug abuse is a vaguely defined term but the most agreed upon definition is using substance in a way or amount that creates recognizable harm to oneself and others. This encompasses dependence, both psychological and physical, reckless dosing or combinations, and harmful behaviors and personality traits that are exacerbated by substances. I should say, as mentioned in the last sentence, I definitely have and currently do participate in substance use patterns that could be characterized as abusive. It’s easy to tell myself I’m in control, I am being as responsible as possible, that it’s okay when specifically I do it- when I’m using benzos regularly, or mixing depressants or depressants + stims, or shooting for ‘heroic doses’ of hallucinogens, or recklessly using street drugs without proper precautions, or behaving oddly in drug induced manic states, or recklessly throwing myself into extremely involved settings at irresponsible and difficult to control doses of drugs. Adverse effects that cycle into patterns of substance abuse are by far the biggest stumbling block even for those who attempt simple exploration. It generates a frankly justified attitude of aversion and caution to drugs in much of the populace, though this can quickly spiral into dangerous ignorance. I am here to say no one is immune to it, I believe almost everyone has their poison, and many have fortunately not discovered theirs yet. I am urged to approach this dilemma with a reframing of what defines abuse, to scrap it together in some way that absolves me of responsible use. But this is a worthless and even counterproductive measure- it is good to define when substance use becomes detrimental to a prosperous life, as can happen with any substance and any person. It is good to be able to soberly recognize use slipping into abuse. It is good to draw a distinction between healthy and unhealthy use of substance, a distinction beyond “the way I do it is healthy no matter what”. To actually desire a change in patterns of use however, is another major component that must be considered. All the world’s harm reduction practices are only as useful as the will of the user to practice them dictates. So what is to be done if your use is recognizably unhealthy but you feel as though you function as necessary and are willing to face the consequences of it for the time being without reducing use? This, I do not have the answer to. Perhaps I will come back and update this when I come to a steeper crossroads on that matter and am forced to figure it out. I sure do like getting high.

 

2. To comprehensively explore the wide variety of substances that exist for the purpose of understanding different altered states and to determine which can be used to fulfill the above goals best.

 

I more or less covered the bases here in talking about the virtue of novelty- how it can be rewarding to experience something new just for the sake of experiencing something new. To expand on this in the utilitarian sense- I mentioned before how certain drugs serve to benefit and enrich my life in various ways. How am I to discover which drugs will serve me in that capacity without even trying them in the first place? As a matter of personal interest, I am enthralled with the interplay between structure and effects, the ways in which changing just a few atoms on a molecule can vastly change the nature of an experience. There is simply no way to understand this quite as well as experiencing those changes firsthand. Trying as much as possible also leads into my next point:

 

3. To contribute to humanity’s knowledge on substances, either by firsthand experience or research and data collation based on those firsthand experiences, and to help further develop and contribute to the communities based around such knowledge.

 

            I do it for the fans! Kinda. One of the biggest motivations in researching novel psychoactive substances has been writing about them and sharing that information with likeminded communities. What is the purpose of obtaining any of this knowledge if I’m not willing to share it? If I have the ability to consume all these substances without lasting adverse effects, why not give back to the community that in turn, helped educate me on many of them in the first place? This also engenders meaningful discussion and connections within and without the community! I’ve made many friends who I hold dear just through doing a lot of drugs and writing about them. I pray that the contributions I make to this community may help someone in some way in harm reductive terms, or better yet inspire someone to take things a step further and generate new knowledge in the realm of psychoactive substance. Granted, very little of what I work on is “new knowledge”. Many of the novel psychoactive substances and more “classical” substances I’ve tried are paths that have been well trodden by other researchers. I am simply adding one more data point to the vast banks of knowledge that exist already. Combinations are also another fascinating outlet to testing new substances- there are near infinite permutations in the ways one can mix and match them, and this provides a whole host of novel experiences in and of itself! So much to do so little time.

 

4. To determine ways to circumvent drug prohibition, both for the benefit of those who suffer under the oppression of the drug war and to demonstrate the intractable incoherency of prohibition laws.

 

I’ve already said my piece on how fucked up and nonsensical prohibition is in the introduction. I don’t need to repeat my rant, as much as I love writing words. On a broader scale- do novel psychoactive substances provide a viable alternative to prohibition? Honestly, not really, except for very niche and exceptional instances. The demographics of the research chemical community are quite small and tightly knit, as opposed to the larger and wider demographics of “street drug” users. In some cases, novel substances can break out of those tight online circles and become street drugs, either as adulterants for more popular drugs or by themselves. Recall the bath salts scare of the early 2010s, where cathinone research chemicals became all the rage worldwide. Oftentimes, when a drug breaks into the mainstream like that, it is quickly prohibited by law. Though to be fair, this often follows dire consequences such as strings of overdose deaths or dangerous behaviors. Thus many research chemical users do well to keep their substances of choice on a low profile, walking a careful balance of spreading the good word on exciting new substances while also avoiding too much scrutiny from various world governments. If you’re someone with a certain fix, switching from street drugs of choice to grey area legality analogues can be easier, safer, and more cost effective, though it requires certain skillsets and knowledge bases to be fun safely and effectively. This holds true particularly for benzodiazepines, in which a renaissance of available substances is occurring right now. There is a whole cornucopia to choose from! I believe this serves to benefit individuals who are trying to circumvent prohibition, but such an idea simply cannot be applied on a larger scale.

 

 

So there it is, now we both know why I do what I do. The last time I wrote a piece like this was 5 years ago, I figured it was a simple and lasting declaration, and much of that does still apply. Things have changed since then though, perceptions expanded, and I would say I have a clearer and more coherent idea on how I want to approach substances. I am no longer feeling bound to the the confines of pure hallucinogens, I no longer feel a need to stick my nose up at “hard drugs” or those who use them, and nobody should be doing that. Have I incurred negative consequences from my explorations? I seem to have developed a permanent body load through repeated and frequent use of psychedelics- while I could once upon a time handle them well it has reached a point where almost every experience is stricken with digestive distress, excess stimulation, and physical pain. This got increasingly worse over time before eventually levelling off, probably after about 2 years of weekly use. I believe this may be connected to a permanent nausea and digestive issues that developed over time and has plagued me in my adulthood, though this could also be attributed to poor diet and certain food intolerances that I haven’t taken the time to investigate. Specific incidents of vasoconstriction I believe are responsible for a tingling and pain I will sometimes get in my legs. I believe frequent use of dissociatives has had some effect on my urinary system, including urinary retention, frequent urination and er… a weak stream. I have what appears to be a permanent visual HPPD, presenting as visual snow, flashes of colors, patterning and drifting textures (especially on mottled surfaces), ripples and heat wave type visuals. It seems to fluctuate pretty randomly, and flares up when I take non-hallucinogenic drugs, particularly stimulants and benzodiazepines. Taking my prescribed doses of buproprion particularly ramped up these effects. I don’t necessarily consider this a negative as I quite enjoyed it. I also at one point developed a physical dependence to benzodiazepines. Although the withdrawal I experienced was extremely mild relative to what others have been through,

This is to say- it is naïve to think drugs are all good, or that they can supply pure benefits. It’s always a tradeoff and there is always risk. Ironically they must be approached with as much sobriety and level-headedness as possible. It is always best to do your research, make informed decisions, and know the risks when you go in. It is best to consciously accept those risks if you choose to do that. The war on drugs is bullshit. Get high, love your life for it, and by god be as responsible as you can.