Sunday, October 4, 2020


 Age: 25

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 25 mg fumarate salt oral in gel cap

Setting: My house


T0:00-Dose taken on an empty stomach.


T0:15- Feeling a bit stimmy, anxious, on edge, there is bit of stirring in my gut and some undulating unease in my muscles.


T0:20- The unease grows, I feel uncomfortable in any position no matter how much I keep adjusting myself, all of my muscles are clenching and my jaw is grinding. I feel queasy and distant, like awaking from a drunken stupor, the world not properly registering yet. I feel like I am sitting stationary on a perpetual sickly air current, a fetid breeze over a menacing crag.

I want to move but moving feels wrong so I sit still, but that feels wrong too. I am losing confidence in my body’s ability to feed me any meaningful information. I get a sense that I am in for something of a trial. My body feels warmer. There are no sensory effects to speak of so far beyond the physical discomfort, which makes me want to curl up and clench all of my muscles like a dead insect.

I am trying to engage in a debate on the internet about evolution, because I am an insufferable nerd. I write out lengthy posts with the information I can recall, doing so feels like an immense effort with so much discomfort and stimulation running through me, a hurdle I have to overcome to think clearly.


T0:30- I feel so sick and uncomfortable, not like I am on any kind of drug, more like I've just been poisoned. Take a hit from my cannabis vape to take the edge off but it does nothing

I'm shaking so much now, I feel so nauseous like my brain is being violently dragged around in circles by a maddened dog.

It feels like it keeps building up to something but nothing happens. So much stimulation is firing off from all of my nerves but it just smokes and sputters into the air, it goes nowhere and does nothing, there is nothing to feel about it. This is so empty and uninteresting and uncomfortable. It is still purely physical effects- I feel no alteration of thought, no changes in sensory perception, no physical sensations beyond discomfort. I am quite bored.


T0:40- Every part of my body feels disjointed, desynchronized, out of order and out of touch. My heartbeat isn’t matching my blood flow, the movement of my muscles doesn't quite match what I'm ordering them to do, my breathing ins unsteady and inconsistent. Everything is just slightly off, but it is glaringly noticeable, like a cruel prank.

Why did I do this to myself? This is thoroughly unenjoyable. Everything looks and feels faint, illusory and foggy. I don’t want to perceive physical objects around me, I just want to curl up and let this pass, and so I don’t, they are virtual facsimiles for a physical reality I don’t have the energy to fully comprehend.

Standing up and moving feels uneasy and unstable, each step is confused and cacophonous, my bones and muscles and neurons bickering in perpetual disagreement. My heart is pounding.

 Time passes and all hell has broken loose, like a flash flood through my bloodstream that binds me to my bed, twisting and turning into whatever way offers the slightest relief. It is not quite painful or torturous, just a terrible wasteful and inconvenient discomfort.

I am not even thinking about or processing information in some novel unique way, there are so many weird little malcontent sensations and odd little flashes of pains, the muscles and bones in my limbs feel ashen and achy. My body does not feel like has taken any shape that my mind conceives it as being. There are still no noteworthy sensory effects. Just a dizzying discomfort.


T1:00- Already the discomfort seems to be receding just a bit, this is an immense relief. My muscles feel strung out and ragged but the discomfort drains from me, it feels heavenly, it feels like a nice cool rush, it feels like I've been unburdened. I step outside on my back porch for a smoke. Even still, gazing upon the beautiful natural vista before me does little to move me or stir me, it is just visual information I quietly and neutrally take in with no bearing on thoughts or emotions. It sure is nice and sunny though. I sigh and go back in.


T1:15- Not unpleasant anymore but fairly nondescript. I am definitely altered in some way but it is hardly discernible beyond stimulation. Nothing is especially engaging, I don't feel any strong feelings or motivations in any direction, just blank and neutral. Visuals finally start to present but they are subtle and hardly above my baseline HPPD visuals- just an increase in visual snow and vague drifting forms, with occasional flashes of color and light and motion.


T1:30- The awkward anxiety that was predominating has given way to feeling lovey and sweet and warm, I want to talk with my friends and interact with people, I open my blinds to watch the golden hour sunlight reach through the trees. There is a warmth in my brain and it looks like everything is run through with heat waves. I want this warmth to reach out and touch upon everything, to bless the earth with its breath. I still don’t feel particularly altered or incapacitated, it’s all subtle and hardly discernible. There is a warm sensation of numbness and disorder rippling through my body, but aside from that, the physical effects have mostly abated. What was once rippling arcs of electricity have given way to a glowing smoldering core, simple and nondescript.


T2:30- I facetime with a friend while working on a drug research project. They’re working on something too so we mostly just pass occasional chatter back and forth as we stay busy. It is nice to see someone’s face and hear someone’s voice. I don’t feel awkward at all and my social skills don’t seem to be impaired in any way as psychedelics can often do- where oversensitivity and rumination render interaction quite challenging.


T3:00- Experience is for the most part over. I can hardly discern being off baseline in any way.


T4:00- Definitely fully back to baseline by this point. Oh well.


Conclusion: This is a boring and uncomfortable drug when taken orally, underwhelming and underperforming in just about every conceivable way. The physical sensations consist primarily of discomfort and unease, with muscle aches, nausea, and excess stimulation casting dominion over the experience. There is nothing remotely pleasant or enjoyable, just a sense that no matter what I do my body is not quite right. The cognitive and mental effects are almost non-existent, rather it is a sensation of confusion and irritation driven by the physical effects. Nothing is any more interesting or stimulating than normal, as psychedelics will often do. Rather every bit of input becomes tedious and tiresome. I don’t want to perceive anything. My thoughts are for the most part rumination on the fact that it feels like I have poisoned myself. Sensory effects are also near non-existent. Slight and subtle visuals came about on the tail end of the experience but they were absolutely nothing interesting or worthwhile. The duration was extremely short too, which is normally quite disappointing for any drug, but with this substance I was glad the experience passed quickly. I do not see any reason to experiment further with this.

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