Methoxphenidine

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 150 mg oral in gel cap

Setting: My apartment

T0:00- Dose taken in gel cap.

T0:30- Not feeling anything so far other than a slight nausea.

T0:50- Onset. I am very suddenly feeling pretty dissociated. It feels as though my head has been turned into a brick, dense and inert. The world has been tilted askew as numbness tingles into my fingers. The dissociation feels like it is originating in my extremities and creeping inwards.

T0:55- It has gone from onset to comeup quite quickly. It’s as if a dissociative time bomb had been cooking within me for the past hour or so and it had just burst, splattering anesthetic shrapnel throughout the inside of my being. I am sinking into my bed as if it is made of soft mud and the room begins to rock like a boat on choppy water. My skin feels like its tightening and my mind feels like it is being wiped of thought, as if to force it to a place of neutrality. When I close my eyes I am greeted by a bunch of concentric rectangles, glowing like the static of a CRT screen in a dark room, with fuzzy indistinct silhouettes of figures standing in front of it. With my eyes open I begin to see an array of rings with squares inside of them adorning the walls that buckle and bend inwards towards me.

T1:00- I am going up and up. This drug is very buzzy and I feel like I am vibrating faster than a human body normally can or should. I can particularly feel my teeth buzzing against each other. Time feels like it is splitting into frames and my body has an aura around it that forms a solid copy for each frame that passes, leaving a trail of 3 dimensional tracers in my form. What was once a sinking feeling has given away to a total liquefaction of my being. I am now some sort of syrup or gel that is beginning to leak and drip off of my bed. I am being blasted with pulses of dissociation like blasts of light. It feels like saran wrap has been draped over me and is clinging to me, binding me, wrapping around me and floating away as a little vesicle. I am shaking and I am cold and I am floating on a tiny island. My lips are buzzing and feel very sensitive in contrast to the rest of myself. Keeping my eyes open takes a great deal of effort. I decide to take a gravity bong hit of cannabis to kick things into the next gear.

T1:15- My body has been crushed into oblivion and I have quickly been reduced to a stray mind floating in a great void. I am gummy and moving in slow motion. Whatever membrane that surrounded me has ruptured and my existence is cascading into the fissure like a great waterfall being sucked into a drain. I drift around this immense void, with great pulsing radiating disembodied buildings floating around me like in the very final scene of Akira (excuse the reference but it was almost entirely analogous to that). Hands are wrenching my essence from right angles and are pulling it apart, disintegrating me into obscurity. Opening my eyes is like popping up on the surface of the water after diving down for a long time- I find myself short of breath and very disoriented, briefly quite unaware of where I am or how I got there. With eyes open I have a slightly better sense of body, and everything is like tendrils. I feel like I am a big U shaped noodle. My legs are unctuous, they are like a strand of spaghetti or an oil slick floating atop an undulating sea, waving and rippling at the mercy of the waves. Strange red block figures, perhaps distant ambassadors from ‘the other’ manifest with my eyes closed, although they are blurry and indistinct, watching me unobtrusively from a distance. The sound of my computer fan becomes distorted into garbled mumbling voices, like an auditory pareidolia.

Mentally, I just feel a pure and neutral dissociation, like my mind has been literally shaken to the point of being invalid and nonfunctional. I can’t really think about anything no matter how hard I try, I am at the mercy of whatever stray thoughts choose to drift by, like being forced to stare at clouds drifting across in the sky. I am blank and content and blissfully disconnected from the world around me. My memories of the day prior trickle in and feel like fiction in my head, becoming indistinguishable from the memories of recent dreams I have had. My daily life suddenly seems alien and baffling.

T1:30- This trip is rapid and energetic, yet I feel entirely unable to use my body to any degree. I am paralyzed with these same blissful pulses of dissociation. This experience has been dominated by visions of a great upside down triangle, a powerful structure radiating the security of its energy, radiating the potential force contained its angles. I feel as though this is the symbol of the “other”, perhaps not the “other” that I typically encounter, but a different “other”, one unique to this substance, one that holds reverence for straight lines, for linear vibrations, and for concentric pulses of force. I feel that I have entered a special and exclusive hole that few get to access, and that I have passed their test, that I am being recruited into their cadre.
I get a vision of being a serpentine creature with bird head, constructed from harsh angles and straight lines, I am in an area or amphitheater, similarly devoid of any curves or circles. The lines of the structure are repeating and trailing and closing in on me, wrapping me in their vibrations, pressing on me from all sides.

T1:50- The open eyed visuals appear as tendrils and branching blood vessels throbbing across the distorted and impossible walls of my room. I am still a liquid, conforming to whatever surface I occupy and sloshing around within whatever contains me. It also feels like I am under water, like I am some piddle of a dense and viscous fluid resting on the bottom of the sea, the currents shearing my surface away into the swirling abyss. My fingers feel long and floppy like they are made of clay. I am slowly regaining more of a sense of body and solidity, and I am still buzzing and vibrating a great deal but I am coalescing into some coherent form at least. My thoughts are scrambled and incoherent, evidenced by several notes I had taken at this point that make absolutely no sense to me. Time seems to be passing slowly, it feels as though time itself has coagulated and become gelatinous.

It’s very hard to move, but I don’t want to anyway. I feel extremely comfortable, as if my perception of physical self is pouring back into me and settling into the ideal position for maximum pleasure. I find myself constantly short of breath. My thoughts are so scattered and disconnected that I feel like an alien, that the contact with the other has seared my brain temporarily and that it is still trying to sort things out and reassemble itself in some way that will function in our world.  

I would definitely say I am out of the hole at this point. I try to smoke more cannabis but it fails to launch me back up to where I was. I resign to simply relaxing and letting the experience drain from me as my being filters back in.

T2:30- I am drifting down. I have been playing a peaceful and ambient game for the past hour, for lack of anything better to do. I am too impaired still for most activities anyways. My tongue is numb and the inside of my mouth is tingling. I try to eat a little and I can’t really taste it. Closed eyed visuals still present as simple angular straight-lined geometric forms.

T6:00- I still feel physically floppy, although I am mostly down otherwise. Socializing is difficult at first, I find it difficult to hear, and the bright lights outside of my room are jarring. My short term memory falters in conversation, but I eventually get used to it and I am able to do things normally.

T8:00- Go to sleep. Wake up feeling a bit distant the next morning, with a pleasant afterglow that lasts throughout the day.

Conclusion: MXP in my past experiences was never a substance to send me down the “hole”, but in my recent experiments it has surely proven itself. Perhaps it’s the addition of cannabis, or my setting, but overall it provides an exciting and interesting experience that almost feels like an abraded and dulled down psychedelic, devoid of color and with a mysterious damper taking hold of my thoughts and moving them uncontrollably along some predetermined track. Overall it is very buzzy and vibrate-y.