Weight: 125 lbs
Dosage: 200 ug
sublingual
Setting: My apartment, around
campus
T0:00-Dose taken
T0:30-Feel the onset, manifests
in some tooth grinding and a slight faint dissociated feeling.
T1:30-I’m hanging out with my
roommate downstairs. I feel like constant contact with him keeps me from
realizing how distant I am drifting off and how awkward my social skills are
becoming (at least from my perspective). It is truly a feeling like drifting
off, like floating on a ripply surface of a lake and having a warm wind slowly
gently push me out into deeper waters. It feels like there’s numbness in my
fingertips. This feels very similar to LSD in terms of the comeup and
headspace, although it feels somewhat more dissociating, mentally and
physically. There is also somewhat more bodyload, with a good bit of nausea
setting in. Visuals are fairly abstract and lacking any sort of definitive form
or pattern. Rather, they are concentric and ripply.
T2:00-This trips feels very ‘standard’
for a psychedelic experience. Thought is deeper, as in every bit of stimulus my
mind encounters gets carefully handled and picked apart, dissected to have its
internal depths plumbed and dredged and tinkered with. It’s like my mind is
going the extra mile with regards to analyzing each designated “object”, and
whatever associations that object generates. While this could certainly be
considered a sort of mental enhancement, I realize that my mind’s ability to
limit itself in this regard is functional and useful to keep me from constantly
being awash in a daze of thought. This constant preoccupation with my own mind
makes me feel awkward and stumbly in terms of my ability to outwardly interact
with others and the world. Imagine a horse trying to run while staring intently
at its feet. Eventually my dear friend/old roommate comes over. I am now with
two of my closest friends, we are hanging out and playing videogames. I watch
my roommate play Kirby 64, It’s entertaining as hell and it’s pretty cool to
see the visuals manifest on the screen. I feel like I am making a lot of really
awkward and stupid comments that are attempting to come off as funny. I feel
like I am just awkwardly and automatically saying and interjecting things to
fill the silence, all of which go without response, the silence following each
statement is deafening as my own voice echoes in my head. My friend talks about
music he’s writing and recording and it’s so cool to hear how he engages with
his passion and how this engagement interacts with his struggles with mental
illness. He plays us a song and it’s so cool to listen to and this provides a
substrate for me to talk about everything in substantially more fluid and less
awkward manner. I still have some trouble articulating my thoughts, and it
feels like I am treading carefully the line between profound statements and
psychedelic burnout incoherency.
T2:30-My roommate brings out his
pet blue tongued skink. I love reptiles and it’s so cool to be tripping balls
and holding this creature. It’s scales seem to be rippling and breathing, and
it’s so absurd that I’m holding an animal native to Australia in my North
Philadelphia apartment. It runs around on the ground and I try to imagine what
this creature must be thinking right now, in this strange world that defies all
of its adaptations and instincts. We take it outside to the backyard to have it
experience the world. I would say this was definitely my peak, at least in
terms of sensory effects. Auditorily, things seem unaffected, people’s voices
sound normal, albeit sort of isolated in a strange way, as if their voices are
punctuated events in a grand void. Visually however, this was mindblowing. In
the darkness, my entire field of vision is consumed by visuals. Whatever light
there back here appears as shifting red, blue, green, magenta, and neon orange.
Everything, literally everything is covered in swirling, pulsing, twisting and
rippling concentric patterns, they are so prominent and clear that they begin
to consume and obscure my vision. It should be noted that I am still fairly
mentally lucid, I do not feel like my perception of such visual distortion
represents a perception of a heavy disturbance in the fabric of reality. I am
thinking clearly and rationally, it’s just that the world is becoming visually
unrecognizable. After letting the lizard run about, we go back inside.
T3:20-My two friends partake in
some 3-MeO-PCP. As I don’t want to add anything to this experience, I refrain. We
go back downstairs and resume playing videogames. The sounds of people’s voices
sounds so strange and surreal. It’s the sort of thing where I start to notice
the properties of something while I’m tripping and it makes me wonder how I
could ever take that thing for granted in a sober state. Of course this feeling
never sticks or follows me into sobriety. My field of vision is still pulsing
and flashing and the same sort of concentric patterns are still dancing on the
walls, albeit somewhat fainter and weaker. I’m having fun though, I feel jovial
and somewhat “burnt”, but I feel a lighthearted demeanor towards everything that
makes it not bother me too much. I smoke some more weed. I have noticed that I
do not really feel the “enhanced mind” effect that psychedelics give me on the
comedown, where I feel more articulate and feel my thoughts flow faster. At
this point, I still feel meek, dazed, and awkward. This is the sort of trip
where it doesn’t bubble up in me and manifest in my mind, rather it’s the sort
of trip that glistens and hover above my head, shining its glowering and
glistening light down upon me.
T4:30-I have noticed that the
visuals are mostly passed now, save for some faint color shifting on every
surface. I still mentally feel very strongly as if I am tripping. I am
certainly on the comedown now. We smoke some more and decide to go for a walk
outside. It’s the first weekend of the school year and throngs of people are
around town partying. My one friend is feeling very manic from the 3-MeO-PCP
and wants to interact with everyone we walk by and run and play. I am extremely
intimidated by everyone and want to keep to myself. Sometimes when coming down
from psychedelics I am definitely in a sort of hypomanic state where I want to
talk to everyone and I feel like I have something to say to everyone. However
now, I feel like I cannot generate the appropriate words in any situation. I
feel like I cannot even generate the appropriate thoughts. I feel meek and
silenced and muzzled, I am awkward and afraid. I beseech him to stop trying to
invite interaction from strangers. I am so very inhibited. We reach a grassy
area between two dorm buildings and he does cartwheels on the lawn. I hide in a
chair and try to artificially boost my confidence to stave off these effects.
He eventually invites comments from people in the windows high above us, and
honestly it’s a pretty silly and ridiculous situation. Eventually some of them
come down and interact with us. Ideally I would have been able to converse smoothly
and provide some sort of input, but I am in a sort of stunned silence, only
able to utter awkward phrases. We eventually go to a grocery store and head
home. I reflect on my lack of confidence. Part of it was the drug and its
effects, however I feel like a strong part of all of this was also the fact
that I was not presenting as I usually do, which can be intimidating or
idiosyncratic to a certain degree. Appearing as my “normal” self made me feel
weak and neutered. On the way home we meet up with some old friends in a restaurant
and hang out there for a bit. In this setting I feel slightly more confident, like
this muzzle is wearing off.
T6:00-We return home. The rest of
the night we just hang out and smoke a lot of weed and play videogames. The
cannabis entirely overtakes the psychedelic by this point and from here on I
mostly just feel entirely stoned. I am able to cook a full meal for myself
which is nice.
T11:00-I tried to go to sleep
earlier than this, but noticed I was still a bit wired in that way that
psychedelics keep you awake-you cannot feel the effects but you just don’t feel
capable of sleeping at all. At this point though, I am finally able to sleep.
Conclusion: This feels like LSD’s
ripply awkward cousin. I’m not sure if it was the set or setting responsible
for this, though honestly it was the sort of environment to usually foster
articulate thoughts and comfort. I feel as though this drug instilled a sort of
anxiety in me during the trip that certainly wasn’t present in my mindset going
in. It was certainly interesting, and pretty similar to LSD. The visuals were
very abstract and I would describe them as rippled and concentric. I’m not sure
how I could utilize it effectively in the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment