2022 was the single most eventful, trajectory-shifting year of my life. A lot happened. I got married to the love of my life and we live happily together. My nephew was born, the first of his generation of our family. I have had calm, reasonable discussions with my parents about drug use and our relationship is better than it has ever been. I was in the bridal party for the wedding one of my closest friends. Another one of my closest and oldest friends and recurring character in many of my reports moved several states away. I got super into Warhammer 40k, it eats up a lot of my time and energy now :p I had a sanctuary room built into my house as a wedding present and it is my paradise. I have actually finally met more of my online drug friends and fans in person which is super cool.
I lost one of my dearest friends to a drug overdose. I still have trouble grappling with their absence and will love them forever.
Perhaps most relevant and what has actually changed my life directly the most (getting married is a big deal but functionally very little changed in our lives!), I began working at a lab that specializes in the study of novel psychoactive compounds, especially psychedelics and dissociatives. To say I am honored that I get to be a part of this research is an understatement, it is the opportunity of a lifetime and I am blessed beyond measure that I had the fortune to find this position. I work entirely with chemistry, with synthesizing novel dissociatives. Chemistry is not my strong suit and it is not my background but nonetheless I persist. I have learned so much in my year in this position- it is a revolutionary workplace where drug use can be discussed openly and candidly, with dedicated passionate people on all sides who are making incredible discoveries every day. Everyone has been more than accommodating with me, a relative outsider and neophyte in the field. I am extremely excited for when we publish the projects I have been working on and I can discuss them publicly! (For now though, please do not pry me about any of our work- I will share it when I am allowed!) As much as I am passionate about drugs, about studying them and learning about their effects, about structure-activity relations and the vast taxonomy contained within- I think this has asserted that this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life, for my entire career. I am lacking so much foundation in organic chemistry and pharmacology that ultimately just makes me feel like I am treading water over an immense void every day. The work is exceptionally challenging in a way that doesn't feel manageable or sustainable for me. Perhaps this was an experiment to see if an outsider can be taught organic chemistry on the job- and I guess the answer is, I can follow directions, I can complete tasks as instructed, but I don't REALLY know what I'm doing. I don't know what is happening on a fundamental level, I cannot discuss theories or really conceive alternate solutions or explanations for when I observed things not happening as predicted (the vast majority of the time, as chemistry dictates). And it's silly to complain about, after all I have not really put in concerted effort to learn these fundamentals on the side. Perhaps at a different point in my life I would have been more than capable, but the drive and passion and motivation isn't there for me. I am mentally exhausted at the end of every day and usually just want to get home and do drugs. I have realized that ultimately, among all the passion and study, what I like most about drugs is just taking them. I am feeling my age, which is still relatively very young, but I very much do not have the time and mental energy I had when I was younger. Perhaps this is more a function of working full time and just not being able to adapt to that lifestyle- I am a born housewife admittedly. I am not sure if this is a field in which I will continue- my true passion still lies with zoology, particularly entomology or marine invertebrate zoology. I love the creatures of this world and their infinite beauty and diversity more than anything, it is one of the few things that still stirs a deep passion in me, where I feel like I could comfortably do the work indefinitely- and more importantly, it is a field where I feel like a have a definite foundation, where I am confident in my knowledge and understanding and eager to learn more, where I feel competent and well-applied.
I am probably never going to leave the world of drugs behind, I just like them too much. This project *gestures to entire blog* will continue indefinitely, though I would expect the rate of posting to slow even more. But perhaps I will leave this world behind someday- it quickly feels like it is reaching a point of complete unsustainability. I have crossed that cursed bridge of using dissociatives just about daily, and it is very difficult to go back. Even on days when I don't use them I probably use some other drug, like benzos, misc GABAergics, gabapentinoids or opioids. I am chronically bored and understimulated, yet also chronically tired and burned out, and drugs are the only relief from both. My dissociative tolerance is creeping up. I feel I can no longer accurately report doses of things anymore, and the experiencecs with individual drugs are largely blending together into a general dissociative slush ranging from heavy-stimulating. I worry that I will not be able to report on new compounds with the detail and resolution that I was able to before. I don't like this trajectory, and I don't know any way off of it. I don't remember what it is like to live sober anymore. I get depressed and moody when I can't access my drugs of choice. I am fully, undeniably, addicted now. So long as I have access, I will use them regularly and compulsively. I do not know how I will behave if I do not have access. That situation has not presented itself yet. The only way I can forsee this concluding, unfortunately, is coming to a head and having it cause some sort of catastrophe that forces my hand in one way or another. Until then, I have established a new sickly equilibrium, a baseline comfort that is very very very hard to break. I am making a concerted effort to break out of my dissociative stasis and revisit psychedelics, especially now that I have the space to do so.
I haven't written much this year, just a handful of reports. Lizard Labs running into legal troubles and now ending most of their dissociative production capability is a big blow to morale. Sourcing things has become increasingly difficult. I guess what I am most proud of writing is this bio-characterizing of the wholly novel dissociatives POxP and PThP. I would love to see these explored further.
I don't think I will ever do as many new drugs as I did in 2021 and that is okay. That is not even remotely sustainable. 31 is still a lot though, this is my second biggest year in that regard. As I do every year, I am going to rank every new drug I tried in 2022. Have fun!
1.FXE - FXE is fantastic. It's not that deep. It's a lot of fun though. I can't think of a more perfect party drug. It is another attempt to hit that MXE bullseye but it also misses, because nothing will be MXE. But it works well on its own. Its forgiving, stimulating, casual and fun, I could do this forever. It's so great. It can be profound if you really force it to be. It is not as profound as DMXE. But it doesn't need to be that, sometimes you just wanna have fun with your friends.
2. 1,4-BDO - GHB, 1,4-BDO, GBL, its all the same. This is a lovely compound for casual use, just quite dangerous in its interactions. I would describe it as Alcohol combined with MDMA without the negative qualities of either (the overstimulation, the nausea and headaches). Aphrodisiac, nostalgic, heavy and comfortable.
3. 1D-LSD - The 1-substituted LSD analogues are interchangeable but this is by far the most potent one that has been made. I love LSD. So I love this. Very simple.
4. Bromazepam - The benzodiazepine that is probably the most reminiscent of etizolam. Euphoric, not too sedating, medium duration, what's not to love.
5. Fluclotizolam - A benzo that is both useful and fun! Great to get to sleep quickly with no hangover. Pleasant and euphoric for just hanging out otherwise. Very agreeable.
6. Isopropylphenidine - Bright, visual, functional diarylethylamine. Notable for how easily I could slip between a heavy dissociative experience and full functionality.
7. Hydromorphone - Short warm simple opioid. Yum.
8. TMA-2 - Intense and bright and colorful and so so so euphoric but god damn is it all tempered by a vicious body load.
9. DOC - An incredibly vast and challenging psychedelic. Heavy body load. Intense in a way I haven't experienced in a while. This is beyond the realm of rankings of favorites, just a hefty drug in general, fascinating but so mighty.
10. Deschloroetizolam - Medium length benzodiazepine, but very neutral in terms of euphoria or sedation or anything. Grey, middle of the road, but not bad in any way, still nice.
11. Lemborexant - Makes me sleep. Nothing else. Useful. Can have grogginess the next day though.
12. 4-MetMP - More or less reminded me of 4F-MPH. Same issues with side effects at higher doses.
13. HHC - Sleepy alt cannabinoid, nothing too exciting
14. Tapentadol- It is an opioid that makes me hear voices. Nice enough I guess. Kinda unnerving.
Needs further exploration:
P2AP - Adamantane analogue of PCP (Adamantane instead of the cyclohexane), I have been titrating this up very slowly and steadily but honestly it scares me. The duration could be immense. It might be a powerful anticholinergic etc. I feel bad, I was not a very good test subject for this, I keep procrastinating on working the dose up.
Desalkylgidazepam - I just wasn't able to find consistent information on this one so I didn't know where to start. I don't have the time or motivation to dose titrate benzos.
Emylcamate - No one likes this one. I am working on finding out why. Not eager to do that though.
2-TFM-Diphenidne - Maybe threshold effects at 120 mg. Maybe not. Need to explore further.
O-PCiPr - It's a dissociative, that is all I can say for now.
Tofisopam - Supposedly the anxiolytic effects of benzos without the sedative or amnesic effects. I haven't given the time to exploring it.
NEP- Honestly I only took it while I was already on benzodiazepines. I am not sure. I think it was fun though.
