antlion

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Why I'm enamored with drinking cough medicine part 2

CW: Depression
-Part 2-
DXM is wild. DXM is fucking wild. I already have several trip reports of my combinations with psychedelics and the crafting of a strange world called "the dextroverse". They can be read here:
DXM+2C-B+LSD
http://riverofdeercarcasses.blogspot.com/2014/05/i-bought-bunch-of-dubious-2c-b-and-1.html
DXM+LSD
http://riverofdeercarcasses.blogspot.com/2015/02/lsddxm.html
DXM+DPH+LSD+DPT
http://riverofdeercarcasses.blogspot.com/2015/07/dxmlsddptdph.html
DXM+DPH+Hydroxyzine+LSD+4-HO-MiPT
http://riverofdeercarcasses.blogspot.com/2015/11/dextroverse-part-ii.html

Here are some of my experiences with DXM itself. The first was during a spiralling and very deep depression. I began to experiment with DXM again, and decided to try doubling my usual dose.
*EDIT: These reports have been split into separate posts for the novelty of their combinations*
I am leaving this post intact as I still feel like it gets the same message across.
The separate posts for each report are here:
DXM
DXM + Bupropion
DXM + DPH + Bupropion + Gabapentin

-----------------
Dose-600 mg

T0:00-Begin drinking cough syrup. Try mixing it /chasing it with ginger ale. Its easiest to drink if I just chase it. Manage to slug down one bottle in about 5 minutes.

T0:25-Manage to drink the second bottle by now. Already feeling slightly dissociated. Nausea is coming on strong, this stuff is absolutely disgusting.

T0:40-I am being drowned in a big swirling ocean of syrup. The swells toss me about and mold my form like I am made of soft clay. I do not feel a progression through plateaus, rather I am just sinking deeper and deeper into the dex sea. It reaches a point where I can no longer see straight with both eyes open, I get the classic dissociative double vision. (I am on MXE while I write this oops). It follows with this sense of just being completely and totally lost in my own room, I do not know where I am, when I am, why I am, how I am, I am wiped clean and left confused. It feels like my stomach is boiling. I know I have to hold it down as long as possible to absorb as much as I can. I know vomiting is near inevitable.

T0:45-The yak comes. I throw up red syrup in a hideous cascade. Wow this feels terrible wow. I never liked vomiting, it is painful, it is uncomfortable, it makes my eyes water it makes it feel like my body is dismantling. But I get it out, I feel a bit disappointed that I wasn’t able to keep it down for longer, I will not get the full experience I desired I’m pretty sure.

T???-Per usual the next however many hours is a dissociative black out fog, timeless and punctuated by brief moments of relative clarity. What I can remember is open eyed visuals taking the form of warping and bulging of the space around me, it looked like the world had turned to syrup and was tilting in every direction slowly. I lost all sense of space, if I closed my eyes and opened them again I would feel completely lost, with no idea of what was up, down, left, right, forward, backwards, I felt like I was the objects around me, not an independent being. Walking was pretty much impossible.
If I closed my eyes, it would be an instant OBE. No calm and gradual fading of myself, I was immediately cast into the dizzying void. Each time my eyes closed, a similar journey would take place, with the same sequence. First I would see the room around me. It looked normal, with the colors being heavily saturated. Soon though, the dream space would collapse into the swirling abyss, come apart piece by piece and dissolve into nothing. I would be in a vast place I would call the dream nexus. It seemed like an impossible huge spherical void, which I was free to float in. The walls of this shell were covered with a grid of hundreds of thousands apertures. This is where things got a bit confusing/
If I were to float in an aperture, I would awake, in my bed again. I would get up and explore my house, and encounter people I knew, either people I lived with, friends, or sometimes strangers. We would interact, everything seemed very off though. We spoke in terse non-sequiturs. I don’t remember any of what was said but it was all surreal and emotionally empty. Everyone was emotionally empty and the color was drained of the world. This whole time I was actually still just lying in bed with my eyes closed. I could reset the cycle by opening and closing my eyes.
With eyes open, a similar effect took hold, as if my brain was trying its hardest to imbue this feeling in me no matter my state. Objects around me would morph into people, familiar people. They would just stand there, merely exist, looking like furniture. They kept appearing around me, hanging around me, I didn’t feel alone in my room at all, and In retrospect I ended up having to ask my roommates if I really interacted with any of them during that timespan (I didn’t).

T5:00-I wake up. I don’t know if I fell asleep or if the past 3 hours have been a total blackout. I am down enough to have functional motor skills, and it seems like my memory has touched down and is recording again. I still feel VERY dissociated and spacey, I still have the “dex walk” and still feel like everything is in motion. I have a sense of direction again, and the visual effects have died down other than vision being super blurry. I hang out with my roommates and go scavenging for junk with them the rest of the night.

T9:00-I go to bed, still feeling spacey. I wake up the next morning still feeling like I am on a low dose of dex. Still feel the dex walk, but its not apparent and I look normal enough. The world feels dreamlike and unreal, it seems like everything is just fading into the background of existence. I have an appointment with my therapist and he’s a bit irked that I’m altered while there. I still have vivid CEV’s, and if I close my eyes long enough I can really sink into them and almost sort of lucid dream. They are no longer replicated from the world around me, but rather are randomly generated. They take the form of tunnels and moving geometric objects.
-----------------
Soon after, I was put on a higher dosage of Bupropion. This is when things began getting weird and infinitely fascinating.
-----------------
Dose: 200 mg

Take 200 mg of DXM at a party, it is mixed into a bottle of ginger ale. The drink is bitter and gives me chills. It is pretty nasty, but definitely bearable and about as drinkable as hard alcohol. For about an hour I am coming up, I am feeling definite dissociation and a general spaciness. Around the comeup, my memory begins to blank and fall away. Everything feels very distant, it is like everything that is more than 5 feet away has just been swirled and blurred into abyssal nonsense. I think I am visibly intoxicated, moreso than anyone else there. One of the people who lives at the house offers me to chill out in her room, probably because I was talking about the visions I got from closing my eyes. Also my eyes had turned deep deep blood red, more than anyone gets from being stoned, it probably looked very off. These visions included:
A procession of strange geometric alien figures, marching on a bridge between two mountains. They are strange solid pastel colors. Some have eyes or discernable features, but they all have strong right angles and straight lines, as if they have been molded or produced. I am merely a witness to these visions, I do not interact with them. I am a stationary camera watching them from afar.
A huge detailed ship crawls across my vision. It feels like a spaceship, because its just kinda floating in empty abyss, but there is definitely an open deck on top, which would make no sense in space. There are canopied spaces and all variety of boxes and clutter on the deck. It is very washed out and dark and gloomy seeming, the entire vision is washed out.
A landscape with dead trees. I don’t remember too much of this one, other than a blue glow on the horizon.
The next morning I feel very spacey. This feeling lasts all day, it is like I was just high and slightly dissociated when I woke up. This doesn’t wear off until I am awake for about 12 hours.
 -----------------
I soon after read about the whole metabolism and potentiation thing and figured I could try and play with it.
-----------------
Dose: 120 mg DXM, 150 mg Bupropion, 150 mg DPH, 3 g Gabapentin

I had a little bit of DXM left, and didn’t feel like going all the way to the store for more. I wondered how I could make it go a long way. I had been reading earlier about the action of CYPD2D6 inhibitors and the effects they can have on DXM. I happened to be prescribed one of the most potent ones. I was already taking 450 mg a day. I figured throwing another 150 mg on would make for an interesting interaction. I decided to add some DPH to the mix too, both for its deliriant properties and because it too is an inhibitor. Because bupropion lowers a person’s seizure threshold I decided to take a ton of gabapentin too (I am prescribed 300 mg 3x a day).
I don’t remember the comeup much, but I was cast into the familiar state of everything seeming distant and metallic. Everything seemed to have rippling outlines, with tiny thin hairs sticking out of these auras. It was like everything had a hairy aura I guess. I began to feel like I had company, it was that feeling of the objects around me being people, seeing something from the corner of my eye triggered a strong feeling of sharing the space with another presence. I was alone for this entire experience.
I went outside to sit in my backyard and smoke, It was a nice dusk and the sunset was serene and pleasant. While lying back there, I got a very vivid hallucination-A black cloud, looking like a really thick puff of smoke, crawled across the sky like an amoeba with pseudopods. It appeared to be 15 feet off the ground or so. It reached powerlines, at which point it bent and altered its “limbs” to crawl over them. It the flashed out of existence. This was wild, the powerlines looked hairy and everything still had that aura. These hallucinations were unlike anything from psychedelics, they were not patterns or alterations, but just total hallucinations. I spent the next hour and a half relaxing back there, and the entire experience is a strange hallcucinatory circus. The entire time, it feels like I am hanging out with my friends back there like I have been pretty often at night the past few weeks, they are communicating and interacting with me and each other. They are hanging around, smoking, passing around a piece and joking and being warm presences. Of course in reality, I am completely alone. These people barely even manifest visually- They only appear in the corners of my eyes, and when focused on they vanish. They are faceless, featureless, grey and ethereal. They are loosely based off of real people I know, they are sentient silhouettes, ghosts if you will. Sometimes they are standing, looming, walking around, and we both feel like we notice one another. But once again, no one there, absolutely nobody.
The next day, I am still pretty dissociated when I wake up. I feel kinda numb and just very altered. Dex walk is still apparent. Upon smoking, I am blasted right back into the dexosphere. I no longer have the hallucinations of other presences. Rather, I am stricken with debilitating dissociation and super clear and vivid closed eye visuals. This time, I am floating above detailed landscapes, with rivers, rolling hills, and completely desolate terrain, devoid even of plant life. Other hallucinations include the typical zooming through a tunnel or between pillars.
-----------------

DXM has inspired me a great deal artistically. It puts ideas and images in my head that I have an uncontrollable urge to express and create. Especially this whole dextroverse... There is a sort of lore surrounding it now, it has become a fantasy world.
If I could generally describe it, it follows different physical laws than our existence. Things can physically exits as infinite, the medium in which things exist is either not gaseous, or everything can just ignore gravity at will. Colors are grey and super saturated and dulled and washed out. The "beings" could be described as lumpy and scribbly, everything is shiny and metallic and bimorphic and blobby looking like in surrealist pantings (see Yves Tanguy). The overall essence of this plane is greyness and bleakness, absolutely overwhelming and all consuming. The entire place is confusing and extremely unnerving and uncomfortable. It is unnerving above all else. It is so different and foreign to our world, it feels like I have absolutely broken reality beyond repair, to the point where I feel trapped in the other dextroverse, that it is where I really belong. The beings that inhabit this place are described in the trip reports linked at the beginning, but to save navigating:

"a sort of worm, it was dull grey and a sort of wrinkly, and looked as if it was made of intestines. At one end was a toothy mouth lined in dark flesh (?), akin to a francis bacon painting (see study for 3 figures at base of a crucifiction). Upon seeing it, it seemed to flatten my experience and input, if a visual analogy were made it would be said that gazing upon it turned the world 2 dimensional and slew any sense of depth perception. It pulsed with a sickly green and pink aura, its sinews pulsing and bulging and warping. I do recall that upon opening my eyes, it was still there, in my vision, flattening my room, sitting dead center of my gaze no matter where I looked. Interestingly the ambient noise seemed to flang and warp in sync with the bulging and pulsing of its body. It eventually faded. This one seemed oddly familiar." 

"two immense beings next to one another, impossibly huge, larger than anything on earth. I flitted around them like a speck of dust in a draft. These monolithic beings were vaguely human shaped, their matter seeming to be a sort of swirling darkness. These beings were completely and utterly indifferent to me and to anything human or any sort of human struggle. The entire history of the world would be a passing breeze to them. They were so alien and so incomprehensible cold, indifferent, and unfeeling that the air and rocks around them seemed to glisten with color and passion. My presence wasn’t just nothing to them, it was beyond nothing, them choosing to consider my existence was a cosmic impossibility and absurdity, and even if they did they would have no comprehension of something so below them. Being near them felt like holding my brain and sanity to a grinding wheel."

In addition are the sort of sentient beings in this realm, who are not as strangely powered. The strange amorphous and vaguely humanoid beings I just call dex-beings, who hide in my dreams and consciousness. They feel hostile.

There is also this essence of pale flesh, toothiness, smooth skin and pallor stretched over bones, eyeless naked beings and essences...

Here's some pictures about it:



This is what it feels like to mix DXM and CYP2D6 inhibitors/anticholinergics
Inspired by a recent experience when sitting in my bathroom
It's a lot like this
"
I swim to the flat distant shore unmolested
the fleshy clouds are crawling through the atmosphere on this sickening idyllic day
the vista of flatland exposes itself before me, the eye drawn immediately to the one form breaking the monotony-
On the horizon, a silhouette standing on the flatness, I approach for an objective,

Erupting from the landscape, a pillar of a being, the pallor skin of the ground draping their phallic form, the fabric of the world pleating in ripples from and around them,
they are featureless, save for one great blood bruised maw the lips drawn back or ablated to be nonexistant displaying its taut gums and a rampart of great glossy teeth, clenched together by the weight of the world

Upon my approach,
they do not react, upon my close inpsection, not a breath is drawn, not a single muscle twitches in recognition. Before them is a dish
it contains:
3 little pieces of paper
4 little pink tablets of benadryl
a bottle of ruby red teeth
a note that reads:

"it laughs, it does
it lives, it does, it does,
of skin stretched tight, of the wicked teeth, it does, it has
of merely drifting in buoyancy, it does, it has, a friend, 
a friend it has, a friend you have, a friend who 
enshrouds you in a thousand night black mycelium embraces, it does,
come and say hell-o,
you do, you do, you do"
"

"
The form looms closer and larger into view, it does not move or react to my approach
its great silent shadow yawns around me, yawns across itself and screams into the sky from beneath the waves,
and at last, I drift into its breath, its blurred form giving way before me to the murkiest terror,
Latex membrane skin stretched over a frame of bones like clothes drying on the wind, 
the greatest mouth of dental palisades, lurking above and around with smothering presence,
entirely indifferent to my being, it is feeble limbs and grey intestines,
One mouth yawns open as if pausing to speak, the syrup rushing into the void of its maw as a great black portal splitting before me
"


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