3-MeO-PCP + Ketamine

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP Intranasal, 90 mg Ketamine Intranasal

Setting: My apartment, Show house

Earlier today I had taken a test for calculus. It was extremely distressing. I had been studying about 5 hours a day every day that week, I sought help from tutors, but it seems my mind is just too dense to allow for calculus. The test was a disaster, I do not think I got a single question correct. I was incredibly depressed, because the consequences of this failure were far reaching. It meant I would have to be in school for longer, that I would be set back even further, that I would potentially have to give up on my hopes and dreams, it meant that I would lose my parent’s love and respect, it meant that I am stupid, it meant that I am too stupid and weak to complete school or do anything with my life that would be to my parent’s satisfaction. In the heat of the moment, I desired nothing more than death, and made my way to the roof of a parking garage. Sitting on the edge over the street, a kind stranger came up and talked to me and pulled me out of the strange dissociating funk I was locked in. My dear friend was playing a show at a house that night so I decided to descend and go to that instead of dying. I had planned on taking dissociatives for that, and I figure now they’ll have the added benefit of dissociating me from my anxieties.

T0:00-Cut all the drugs into one line and suck it up.

T0:05-Already feeling a bit lightheaded and dizzy. While I feel light, it feels like there’s a great heavy impact from every step I take.

T0:10-I’m packed up and ready to head out, I feel like I am a floating head, and beneath that head lies a tangle of limbs that thrash and jolt and twitch slowly, mechanically, methodically to move around the space that this head floats within. Each step I take feels like I am being propelled by some unseen springing wind, and every bend of my joints is an explosion of force in the void. I hobble over to the show house, the fabric of reality gently forming into a sphere around me. Every person I walk by seems so distant, not only physically but the mere fact of their existence seems like a distant and foreign concept. I feel completely alone in a cold world with many strange people walking around in the bare light between the swaths of darkness.

T0:30-I arrive at the house, it’s pretty overwhelming but I am thankfully able to find people I know rather quickly. I anchor to them to avoid having to interact with the world in this state. It feels like I am experiencing everything from under the surface of water. Imagine being at a party, but you are situated in a full bathtub and experiencing everything from a muffled place just beneath the surface, vision is blurred and indistinct and sounds are muddled and dampened. It’s like I am in a box of clear glass, and extra layer that interferes with my interactions with those around me. I light up a joint and smoke it with my friends.

T0:50-My friend plays his set, I am overjoyed to witness it. The sounds are beautiful and come from a pained place that I am all too familiar with, he sings and plays from his heart, about pains I have intimately experienced alongside him. I can close my eyes and sink into my numb body and enter a world of neon flashing ghost images in a deep black abyss. His set ends and I give him a big huge. I suddenly realize a great many old friends are here now, people I have not spoken to in quite some time. It’s a joyous reunion and I am very happy to be seeing these people. In my excitement I try to converse with all of them while still dissociated to the point where it feels like I am being blasted in the face by a numbing gale, a gale that disables my lips and facial expressions and thoughts. I am forgetting my words halfway through a sentence but I don’t care, in manic fits of the mind I just conjure up new ones and confidently throw them outwards, hoping they come out coherently but also not really caring whether they do or not. I want to be social, but am slightly inhibited by my mental state. I certainly could have socialized more effectively here, it seems I had the will to socialize but not the ability. The rest of the night is spent in a daze, where I find myself trying to recall things but not really effectively remembering them, stuff like people’s names, etc. I wonder if this experience is wonderful because of the drugs, and how this experience will sit in my memory, whether or not I will remember feeling like I am underwater.

T1:40-I watch another set. By now my mind and body feel like they have descended a bit and I am able to make conversation better. The ketamine is definitely wearing off. I want to talk to everyone, even strangers, which is certainly different for me. I recognize a girl I matched with on tinder who talked to be briefly, the interaction is incredibly awkward but it’s a glancing blow and I don’t dwell on it at all, not like how I would normally handle such a situation. I smoke several more bowls and socialize more, at times feeling like I am just socializing for the sake of socializing, with no real productive interactions occurring.

T4:00-I leave the house and walk home after watching several more people place music. I still feel a bit dissociated, but I am able to navigate and move normally. I smoke some more with my roommate upon returning home and we talk and hang out for a bit. The high feels so cold and clean at this point, like icy sterile surgical instruments have severed my ability to process my sensory input, that all connection between the raw incoming data and my emotional / mental processing and associations have been frozen. And it feels great, at least as an alternative to feeling incredibly depressed and pessimistic.

T8:00-I go to sleep, still feeling a bit dissociated but mostly feeling stoned at this point.