LSD + DPT

CW; Suicide, Depression

Age: 19

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 5 tabs LSD (500-800 ug) sublingual, unknown large dose of DPT Intranasal
Setting: My apartment

T0:00-5 tabs of acid on the tongue, I prepare a bump of DPT for later. I eye the dose out like a dumbass.

T0:30-Normal feeling of coming up on acid, feeling elated, feeling like there is energy flowing around me and into me, brighter colors and faint patterns, etc. I begin getting a melting and twisting and warping of surfaces and lines that I never have noticed before this markedly. My screen starts to breathe.

T1:00-Exactly one hour has passed. I’m ready to blast off. I go over to where I have the DPT set out and cut it into 3 lines. I rail them, one at a time. It is incredibly uncomfortable. In my nose, I can tell that it tastes like hellishly bitter burnt plastic. It sticks to my palate and dessicates everything. Not only that, there is so much of it.

T1:20-I put my computer away, I can feel everything rising. The world around me is beginning to swirl and form interlocking polygons. Tracers and flashing color patterns and twisting fractals begin to dominate everything. The noises around me start to warp and flange and alter in pitch.

T1:30-I begin to think and meditate as the boundaries of my body start to blur. I close my eyes to see a world of glowing lines intersecting to form tessellated polygons overlaid on breathing fractals. I can feel my mind drift into this as my body becomes fainter. I begin to think about all sorts of dilemmas in my life. I seem to come to satisfactory conclusions to these issues, but I either lose track of them among the torrent of colorful racing thoughts, or they were purely conceptual and I couldn’t really apply them in the form of words after. As I begin to chain from one abstract thought to the next I feel like I’m building a mountain of thoughts to stand upon, and as it builds my mind ascends to higher and higher places.

T1:45-I stand up and wander about my room, I try drawing a little bit, I’m drifting further and further from myself, in body and mind. I am starting to feel like I’m a completely different being. I wander over to a table where I keep several animal skulls. I pick up my favorite, a beautifully intact deer skull, so wonderfully smooth and pearly, so aesthetically perfect. I laid shirtless on my bed, gouging its teeth across my chest. I felt so physically numb, I didn’t notice it leaving deep scratches on my torso. The skull was so incredible, so powerful, I began to think of the animal that once inhabited it, I began to think about its life, its energy, its raw power. In it harming me, I realized that all living things have a burning life force within them, that makes them fight and struggle to exist, to survive. I realized my own life force drew from this same wellspring, that it was common to all Earth life, an unchanging fragment of divergent evolution, perhaps derived from the replicative nature of DNA and RNA. I began to picture myself as a folk hero traveling a spirit forest with my spectral deer sidekick, a skull with pulsing polychrome tendrils, molded into the shape of a deer. Between that was experiencing the skull pulsing with the deer’s life force, it would shake and press it’s antlers into me and dig its teeth into me, it had so much energy, so much fire behind it.

T2:15-my thoughts begin to stray to death, to suicide. I’ve been thinking about suicide so nonstop lately, in fact this trip was my last ditch effort to find some reason not to kill myself. Death, the thought of death approaches me. I feel so beyond death, I feel like I have already died, like I have not yet been born. What a curious thing, death and time are, how odd it is that consciousness seems to transcend time. I began thinking about quantum immortality, that in a truly infinite universe or multiverses, every iteration of every atomic (reduced to the very most basic component) moment as a function of time and space exists somewhere. Somewhere, this information is encoded. Something (I don’t know what it was to this day) told me that encoded in the air were the whispers of a thousand consciousnesses, encoded as binary data in the smallest and most efficient molecular storage mechanism in the universe, something beyond the current limits of human observation. Of course this is blind conjecture, I’m just on a lot of drugs. But this idea of quantum immortality really stuck with me, regardless of whether or not it was directly encoded into this universe. Somewhere, everything that was going to happen had already happened, everything existed as it was. Linear time was just an illusion, it’s just us taking all of existence that is already laid out before us and sequencing it. Consciousness was truly beyond linear time. Mine was at least, and so were many others, that I was suddenly aware of. I realized that no one was truly dead, and that I became aware of other consciousnesses inhabiting this realm. These were consciousnesses that were already dead and had not yet been born. In other words, ghosts. This realization was like opening a door between us, we were all suddenly aware of each other and we were both really confused. They swarmed around me, I could sense them, I could sense so many other presences around me, the room dropped to a chill as I kept catching these looming presences. I couldn’t see them, but I perceived them as hands, grasping and clutching at me. I was terrified, terrified they might speak to me and that I may be afflicted with these ghosts forever. I envisioned them as hands, faces, and figures behind a thin translucent cloth, all leaning in towards me. They all had different personalities, some were kind, calm, and friendly. Most were indifferent. The benevolent ones would inhabit me, I would feel their personality, wisdom and thoughts course through my neurons. Some however, I could feel exuding malevolence and ill will. They loomed behind me, towered over me. One seemed fond of grabbing my head and puling it backwards, down towards my bed. It felt like deer antlers smashing against my skull, which would transform into alabaster fingers that pulled me down. These spirits would surround me, clutch at me, I knew that some evil people had once inhabited this space, and wanted to harm me. I saw in my chest a glowing core, the glowing core of life force, my burning life force keeping me from fading into the abyss of asphodel like them. They were all clutching at it, and I had to repel them all through sheer light and force of will.

T2:45-It was at this point that I began to really seek out these evil spirits, question them and follow them to where they were born from. I closed my eyes and began to trace them, trace them to their root, it was like burrowing through thick underbrush. I got deeper and deeper and encountered a being, counter to me, a trickster being that didn’t seem to harbor malevolence but still acted antagonistic towards me. This was my divine rival. It toyed with my thoughts and sent ghosts after me. I suddenly realized something-This was God, this was a manifestation of God. It had come down to me in a mortally recognizable form, I was blessed with its presence. I wondered- why is this God? Why do I have to agree with it? Why do I have to be subservient to it, and why does submitting to it feel so tranquil? I seemed to have my mind shifted to a paradigm in which the paranormal existed, and I was able to believe in and follow God. I still questioned God-Why was it the ultimate authority? I began to challenge God, think of ways I could exert power over this force. So this trickster being, after outsmarting me at every turn, decided to enmesh me in itself and show me the true nature of God.

-The true nature of god-

God is a representation of the absolute within measurable and tangible human experience. Subject to entropy, every universal force we encounter has astronomical chances of random variation. God however, is contained in life force. Life force sustains itself by altering perception of the world around it to make itself true and maintain its existence. It is absolutely recursive in how it alters perception. And it is in this recursion that the absolute lies. It is within every living thing, also probably derived from the replicative nature of DNA and RNA. Humans are unique in being able to recognize this force and then later personify it as “God” or “Gods”. This is simply a byproduct of the survival mechanism that drives everything. Life force does anything to stay alive, every adaptation, every thought, is, sometimes through circuitous routes, an extension of that.

Everything is subject to entropy however, entropy is the unstoppable and ultimate power in the universe. As God exists only within living things, even god is subject to entropy.

During this trip I began to experience the positive feedback loops that have been plaguing me with burgeoning depression as something actually positive- this recursion showed me that they could be harnessed in a way that didn’t drive me towards the edge.

But I began to wonder- why do my thoughts seem in such opposition to life force? Why am I self destructive? I began to realize that it’s simply the random mutations that drive natural selection, being more subject to entropy. My mutation was a knack for self destruction-the life force was still there, it just found itself in combat with another powerful counterforce, as powerful as the life force but twisted and dark.

There were moments during the trip where I was overtaken by vanity and ego, where I believed I was the chosen one by god, where I believed I had solved major unsolved problems in math and physics, where I believed I had opened a rift between our world and the spirit world. This all of course turned out to be complete bullshit but whatever.

The rest of the night really wasn’t much. I played a lot of videogames and went to 7/11, the visuals played out for a while but my mind became more human. I rode an emotional rollercoaster as morning approached, shifting between divine elation and deep depression.