LSD ++ Mushrooms

CW: Suicide, Mental illness, existential terror, violence, loss of autonomy

Age:18

Weight-130 lbs

Dose-2 tabs LSD, 3.5 g mushrooms

T0:00-Took 2 tabs of acid in a beach house. Leave to go to the beach shortly after.

T1:00-Coming up on the acid on the beach-mostly slight body effects such as the familiar feeling of floating. There are shafts of light piercing through the clouds and the entire sky and sea are dancing with patterns. Colors are brighter and everything seems to have a rainbow sheen. Friends decide to go to a diner.

T1:30-Perception of sound is very strange in the diner with sounds phasing in and out around me with a sort of Doppler Effect. Patterns are swimming and swirling on every surface, people’s faces are slightly shifting. Everyone looks very very strange- although they are not deformed, it’s as if the human face as it is had suddenly stopped being a familiar and accepted image and became something strange and alien. After lunch I go into the bathroom, where the visuals have become quite apparent- the walls are swirling and swimming around me, pulsing and breathing with harmonious and flowing patterns.

T2:20-Leave the diner and go back to the house. I’m getting the awkward social interaction I usually get from acid where I’m hyper aware of my own voice and inflection and in doing so completely lose a sense of how to use tone or inflection properly. Sunlight is filtering in through the windows, colorful rainbow wood grain patterns breathe and emboss themselves on the walls, I feel floaty, confident, euphoric, and my jaw is clenching. I feel awkward and am having trouble articulating sentences and finding the right words to use, so I retire to a quiet hallway to draw pictures by myself.

T4:00-The acid trip is tailing off. I can really only feel the physical effects anymore. Visuals and emotional effects are only noticeable if I try to notice them. At this point we’re waiting for the sun to go down so we can smoke weed. My social skills have mostly returned and I feel comfortable and euphoric in the presence of friends.

T5:00-The sun is down. We are preparing to go to the beach to smoke. I decide now is the time to take my mushrooms. I eat them with orange juice as a chaser across a period of about 15 minutes and then head to the beach. We struggle to light the bowl in the strong winds but eventually find a way and smoke several bowls.

T5:20-I sit down on the beach and stare out into the vast ocean. I can feel my body growing heavier and numbing away as the visuals begin to pick up. Tessellated spiral patterns mirror themselves on the sand and my entire field of vision appears to be mirroring itself and repeating. The light of boats on the horizon are beaming and swirling into the sky. I go back to where my friends are and sit down as they have intense and serious discussions about politics. I wish I could’ve participated but my brain was processing their words in a way that was ineffective for response and comprehension. Whenever I would talk, my voice would sound isolated and dreamy before trailing off into nothing.

T5:40-The conversation has shifted to the future, the scope of human progress, the entirety of humanity and its fate, the scope of our universe, of time, of everything leading up to now and everything to come. This is an amazing conversation to be having while on mushrooms and I am more actively and eagerly participating. Human constructs come up a lot, and there is a lot of talk about a new paradigm built from radical reinvention of what we consider human, about utterly dismantling every social and cultural construct and society built anew, aided by technology. As they discuss this, I look to the sky- rippling, pulsing, and exploding with the energy of time and the potential of the future. The town in the distance glows with glorious artificial light of the modern human, the entire earth is expanding around us. The great sky and the expanse of space above me, the vastness of nature on one side, the monuments of humanity on the other. I feel like a small little being on this great planet as it hurtles through time and space. As we talk, my friends begin to glow with auras, my depth perception fails and my entire vision is one flat plane with my friends amidst a sea of swirling, spinning dancing fractals and astral forms.

T6:10-I stand up because I need to pee really badly. Everything is downhill from here. Once, several months ago, I took Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds, and ever since then I’ve been afflicted with an occasional pulsing, tingling pain and a numbness on the inside of my thighs and all down my legs. I think I caused permanent vasoconstrictive damage. I feel it again this time, but very intense, probably from sitting in the same position with my legs folded for so long. I walk to the sea to pee in it. As I stumble forward with my throbbing aching legs I get the worst feeling of ominous premonition. I feel déjà vu, like I’ve experienced this in a dream, and it was my final moments. The patterns in the sand carved by the waves begin to mirror and swirl and tessellate to infinity. Each step feels like I’m stepping not on sand but on something solid, like wood, and it feels like the blood is hardening inside my body. I have had premonitions and feelings of coming death while tripping before, and each time it is accompanied by a swirling metallic sound, a sort of whining, with swings in pitch, and each step I take, that dizzying noise fills my ears and bounces around the sounds of the waves. This is it. This is my final trip. This is the one that kills me. I have deep vein thrombosis, my blood will clot in my legs and I will collapse into the sea and die. Normally I can keep calm while feelings of death come on, I accept it as a consequence of my actions, and even while I think that, it still triggers a physical panic response in me. As I pee, my friend runs around me, saying all sorts of things, I forget what they were and they were most likely friendly in nature, but I construe them as negative and malicious.

T6:20-I still don’t feel like I’ve totally lost control. I go back to where my friends are. The word bad trip is coming in my mind, I can feel the tendrils of ill thoughts, infinite loops, and unstoppable chains of negative ideas seeping into my brain, spreading like a cancer. Have you ever played the game with someone where you keep putting your hands on top of one another, infinitely topping each other? That is what my thoughts were doing, flowing from infinity right into one another, each one building on the last in an infinite untraceable stream, and I would keep having to cut off the chain of thought when the negativity began to creep in, cut if off before it consumed me. This was only sort of effective. We begin to walk back to the house. I need to get back, I need to lie down, I need somewhere warm and calm and safe to gather myself before things get worse. One vivid visual I remember is my friend running towards me. He seemed like he was going absurdly fast, like in an old movie. As he ran, his face multiplied until his entire body was just his face over and over again in the shape of his being. This was then replaced by his hands, until he became a running mess of extremities. As we walk back, I begin to have the racing thoughts of memories I get while on tryptamines. Only unlike other times, where every memory is warm and pleasant, these ones are cold and unwelcoming, I can only think of how uncomfortable I have been, how tedious every moment of existence is, how I will never feel good or comfortable and never have. I can only think about the cold negativity of every moment of my past, the bad drowning out any good. My heart has been racing this entire time.

T6:40-We get back inside. I do not recall what happened much, I remember walking around the house. I wasn’t in full suffering mode yet, but was facing a brutal existential crisis. Everything feels so wrong, so uncomfortable, there is so much suffering in the world and everyone feels so much suffering, and there is no way to avoid it. Any potential future I envision is filled with more tediousness, more unfulfilling mediocrity, more pain, more draining crushing depression and debilitating self-loathing. It’s completely inescapable and all I can do is laugh at my total despair. I sit next to a table, it looks alive, it feels alive, I can sense a life force in it. The corner looks like a huge grinning mouth. Normally while tripping I can appreciate the beauty in that, but in this instance my racing negative thoughts are giving me a headache and this living table is just a reminder of what I have done to myself. It only serves to incite even more painful thoughts.

T7:00- I sit in a room. A large group of people are having a spirited discussion about something I know a good bit about. I wish I could join but I can barely form words at this point. I feel even worse about this, I feel stupid and useless, I feel like I am condemned to always be stupid I useless. I am the fool, the jester who decided to take too many drugs in the presence of people who were content with weed and alcohol, the dunce who decided to silence himself and stifle his own thoughts in pursuit of hedonism. I sit and listen, barely comprehending the English language, before the discomfort and painful thoughts boil over. All I can think about is suffering. There is so much human suffering. In history people have experienced such incredible pain, physical, mental, emotional, and so often at the hands of the malice of others. And what could they do about it? They certainly weren’t able to stop themselves from feeling that pain, because it happened, because suffering is real and unavoidable, especially when some are purposely trying to inflict it on others. And I certainly wouldn’t be able to stop any suffering that came my way. I was lucky, I was fortunate that nothing terrible ever happened to me, I was lucky that I had never been dismembered or set on fire or beaten or tortured or maimed in a car accident, but it was such a fine line between my current life and that. And I was powerless. Completely and utterly powerless to stop any of that. And I was powerless to stop myself thinking about it, I had unwittingly opened a new paradigm, one where I could understand nothing but suffering, where every moment was experienced relative to the potential suffering I could be experiencing. So many terrible painful things could happen. I remember vividly, someone could run into this house, some madman, find me on the floor, rip off my fingernails, crush my limbs, splinter my bones, splatter my muscles, rip my organs apart, and what the fuck could I do to stop them? I was so vulnerable, I was so weak, I was so powerless, and because of that, incredible suffering felt inevitable, I had a premonition that my life in the future would be suffering I couldn’t even imagine at the current time.

T7:30-I run upstairs, I feel sick, I feel like my body is shutting down and I am losing control of my organs. I lock myself in the bathroom. I spend the next half hour sitting on the toilet, wishing this could end. Why did I do this, why did I ever enjoy tripping? I feel as though this trip has opened my eyes to a realm of anguish the likes of which I had never seen before. I would never be able to view the world in a pleasant away again, I had doomed myself to a bleak life of knowing only the yawning and infinite chasm of despair that I had dared to gaze into. I sat on the toilet, shaking violently, wanting to escape this burden of existence somehow, though I knew death would not even be an escape. Literally everything I could think about was crawling with negativity, there was a downside to every possible option that overpowered and destroyed any potential good side. My thoughts were racing and every single one hurt. I begin to imagine every fleeting moment, how exact and precise every occurrence in the world was. Normally, while tripping, I would appreciate the beauty of this, like thinking about a certain thing in a certain situation, how that would happen just once, and never happen again, how every specific instance swirled forth from the chaos. But instead of appreciating each moment, I cried in the tragedy of their fleetingness and their death, and in mourning for the astronomical amounts of moments that would never ever happen ever, for the ones that never did happen, for the ones that weren’t happening, for the ones that happened and never will happen again. The unfulfilled desires that would be impossible to ever fulfill, the missed opportunities and pereptual failures. I heard voices from downstairs having the same spirited discussion, and again and again I hear my name coming from downstairs, they’re talking about me, they know I fucked up, etc etc (I doubt anyone actually said my name once). I suddenly realize, what if someone else wants to use this bathroom? I decide to suffer in my existential crisis out in the hallway. People come upstairs and find me for the first time. Despite me saying I’m okay, they can tell something is wrong, and offer to bring me water. They are nothing but friendly, loving, accommodating. I feel sick, but this calms me down a bit.

T8:00- I go back downstairs for some awkward social interaction. My speech and language capabilities are still subpar, and I am having great difficulty explaining how I feel, what I just felt, and making conversation in general. My memory fails me as my thoughts jump and chain around, causing me to lose track of conversations mid-sentence. Visuals are dying down, but the perspective and size of the room still feels totally out of whack.

T8:30- More friendly, loving, caring interaction slowly pulls me out of the negative chains of thought. I am no longer meticulously and consciously thinking and wrangling every bit of stimulus and every action. My automatic thought returns and it’s a huge burden off my mind. My thoughts are no longer blossoming into toxic tendrils of negative possibilities and wicked pain and a bleak and hopeless future, they now blossom into warmth and considerations of a pleasant future and good things to come. The storm has passed, the sickness is over.

T10:00-I smoke more. Nothing to note, everything has calmed down, people are going to bed, I am still wired from the acid and stay up later. I feel confident, warm, happy, and energetic. I  thoroughly clean the house while everyone is sleeping just to make myself useful and make up for being an incoherent basket case most of the night.

T12:00-I lie down to sleep. Visuals are still slightly playing if I pay attention to them-a rippling of everything that looks like the waves of heat rising off a hot surface. I eventually fall asleep.

Psilocin + Ketamine

Age:18

Weight: 125 lbs

Dosage: ~30 mg Psilocin oral in solution, …”a lot” of ketamine insufflated

Setting: Around Fairmount Park

T0:00-I walk to my special tripping place-a park in Philly with a secluded bit hidden away along train tracks. I chug down the bottle of vile moldy tryptamine water. I almost throw up. I sit down and smoke a bowl and wait for the come up.

T0:30-I begin feeling the first effects. This wasn’t a rapid onset like my last experience with this chemical. The world around me begins to look brighter, I start to get that usual psychedelic feeling of my body losing its weight and its physical form. I feel light, my flesh slowly replaced by a sort of buzzing feeling. I am sitting on railroad ballast and broken glass, the ballast begins to breathe and warp and swirl beneath me as colors grow brighter.

T0:50-I can feel the tryptamine wave building within me getting ready to break-now is the time. I pull out my little premeasured packet of K and suck it all up.

T1:10-The tryptamine has broken over. The sounds of the road above me swirl together into an abstract mess of roars, hums, buzzes, and echoing reverberations. The trees are beginning to twist into repeating fractals, mirroring themselves over and over. And my body-I can feel my body slowly fading and fading, movement is becoming more difficult as my limbs begin to feel numb and like wet noodles.

T1:30-Everything has hit full force now. The ketamine has locked me curled into a ball. I can move, but I see no reason to. I cannot tell if my eyes are opened or closed. My entire world is a strange flat bliss composed chunks of my surroundings. In this flat image that composes my entire existence are bits of railroad ballast…snippets of dreams and memories…images of myself from first and third person… trees, my existence is this flat collage of my experience. I am not viewing it, it is literally everything. I don’t have a body or some external form to view it from, thus it is everything and I am it. The only bit of stimulus that remains independent from this is sound-freight trains come by every so often and my existence becomes consumed by the sound of their wheels screeching on the tracks, tearing through my mind. My existence is a collage of experiences punctuated by the sound of tons of metal blasting along more metal, jarring me to my core.

T2:00-I am ruminating on this experience, why is this different from a sober state, what is different about this? This is a common path of thought I entertain myself with while under heavy influences. Well for one I cannot feel my body. It is completely numb, I am not aware of having a body, and I am not aware of where any of my limbs are or where any part of my body is in relation to another part. I am curled into this vulnerable little ball in a park under a bridge. Two, I am barely aware of the world around me. I am trapped in my mind, and it is an alien mind. All my thoughts are hyperamplified to the point where subconscious performance of actions becomes impossible. Normally, if I wanted to walk, I would just walk, no thought. In this state, if I wanted to walk, I had to explicitly think about walking, what action I need to perform, to override the nonstop torrent of thought. And the thoughts, oh my god my thoughts. I only remember such relentless thinking from my first and most powerful mushroom experience. One thought flowed into another with such swiftness and efficiency that I couldn’t stop and think to another thought process. One thought would be related to another, and that would blossom into more related thoughts, and so on, with absolutely no pause, not a beat skipped. I literally could not consciously think what I wanted, I was at the mercy of this maelstrom of thought, floating on its tempestuous surface as they dragged me around and tossed me about.

T2:30-I begin to regain a sense of my surroundings. My thoughts are still moving a mile a minute, but I can rein them in now. I can think what I want, and though the genesis of that thought is in my control, it quickly begins to blossom and bloom like before into chains of thought that if I don’t try to lasso them in, grow out of control and prevent me from performing normal processes. I stand up and try to walk. I feel like I am on a rocking boat, every step wavers and shakes me about. I still have no idea where my body parts are in relation to one another. My limbs feel out of proportion and I have to look to make sure I know where they are. I leave my safe place and get ready for my next big challenge.

T2:45-Before me is a very busy road. It’s rush hour. There’s no light or crosswalk or anything. Just timing. The speed limit is about 50, cars are moving very fast. This is a huge challenge for someone who can barely stand up. Everything dances with color and each car leaves a trail behind it. I have trouble telling how far away they are, my depth perception is completely skewed. I sit down on a rock and draw while waiting for the traffic to slow down. I can feel myself slowly coming down, but I’m still very up. I am mostly in control of my thoughts now though I can still feel them somewhat drifting astray. I still wobble like a drunk.

T2:55-I did it! I ran across the street! Okay now I am going to journey to the art museum, about a half mile’s walk. I wander in that direction. I feel the same sort of inflated confidence I felt coming down from the mystery tryptamine the first time. It feels great, I feel great.

T3:15-By the time I reach the art museum, that has worn off. Now I just feel tired and worn and still very numb and wobbly from the K. Some friends text me, I’m going to go meet them apparently.

T3:40-I’ve met friends. We’ve driven to a park. One of them wants to try K. We smoke a bowl and I cut him some. I want some more. In the process of measuring it out, I spill it. Everywhere. All over a wooden picnic table. It falls into the cracks, the wood grain, it’s impossible to get out. It dawns on me-I paid for this K, and there is only one way to get it out. I shrug, roll up a dollar, and suck all of it out like a vacuum cleaner.

T4:00-We decide to walk around the park. I can still walk fine, communicate fine. I can feel a rising feeling, I can feel myself starting to come up on the K. I feel lighter, number, and heavier. Everything begins to sound distant and my perception of this park becomes very screwy as objects appear to be really close or really far away when in fact they are neither (the fact that it’s night doesn’t help things). We walk to a gazebo only to find a naked man doing…something… in there…. We leave him in peace. We decide to get a blanket and have a picnic. Walking back, I can feel it full force, I feel like I am being dragged and tossed about on a ship in a storm as my body wobbles to and fro. My limbs feel like wet noodles. It feels a lot like DXM. My mouth feels completely numb so talking is very difficult. I think I babble out some words to my friends, I doubt they make sense. I sit down. I sink into my seat, my body feels like a tree or a statue. It is still, yet in motion, in its place. I am sitting still, but my essence is sloshing about in its stoic frame. The visuals kick in. The world begins to fill with high contrast, everything looks cartoony or cel-shaded. Then it begins to look like a painting, everything composed of sweeping swirling and flowing brush strokes. It looks like a van gogh painting-then the painting briefly gives way to feeling like I am made of icing, that I am composed of sloppy sweet sugary goodness. I get up and try to walk around more and it feels GREAT. I feel so in my head so my movement all feels so free and automatic, and it’s incredible. I drift around like a big wet sloppy ghost, the world a swirling impressionist painting/cartoon around me. I fall over a lot and have to hold onto things for balance and safety. We eventually decide to leave the park.

T4:30-I get in the car after much bodily struggle and lie down in the back. This is such beautiful nostalgia, I feel like my first times on weed. It reminds me of back in the day when I’d get REALLY high, too high to function normally, but I would still go out and try to function, and it was amazing. Such beautiful nostalgia… I miss everything so much… Anyways.

T4:40-I sit in the back of the car. The speakers are behind my head. I don’t recognize any of my surroundings despite us driving through familiar places. I am enraptured in the music, it is everything. We get water ice. It tastes alright I guess. We hang out in the parking lot until we meet another friend. At this point I’m already feeling kinda down, there is just numbness in my body and still a lack of knowing where my limbs are.

T5:00-I’m mostly down now. I feel residual effects of the ketamine for the next 3 hours, but not anything too remarkable.

Psilocin

CW: Existential dread

Age: 18

Weight: 125 lbs

Dosage: ~50 mg oral in solution
Setting: My dorm room

So backstory… I had roughly 250 mg of 4-AcO-DMT dissolved in water to make measuring doses easier… I kept the water bottle in a fridge, but for my spring break I took it with me, and it was unrefrigerated for about a week. In that time, the water had become a murky greenish color, with bits of …stuff… floating in it. It had become pretty nasty but I wasn’t going to give up what amounted to maybe 5 or 6 more doses that I had paid for, having only gotten 2 experiences so far. So I emptied the bottle (there were small black flecks attached to the bottle all over the inside) and boiled the water. I then filtered the water to get the solid pieces out. It was still a murky greenish color (though it had gotten a black tint to it now). The water smelled like mildew and tasted metallic. Well fuck. I decided to put it aside in my fridge until I got the chance to test it. That chance came about a week later. I obviously hadn’t killed what dwelt in my water, as the water was now a very murky almost opaque greenish black. Wow. I decided I would test to see if anything psychedelic or redeemable still existed in there and measured out 100 mL. I measured the 4-AcO-DMT so there would be 1 mg per 2 mL. If whatever in this water was still 4-AcO-DMT (also the concentration probably got messed up through boiling it), it would’ve been a roughly 50 mg dose. Oops, very reckless. [LATER DETERMINED THAT CHEMICAL WAS MOST LIKELY 4-HO-DMT, PSILOCIN, THE ACTIVE CHEMICAL IN MUSHROOMS]

T0:00-I flavor the nasty blackish water and down it all in one gut wrenching gulp. First I taste the flavoring agent I added, then the metallic mildew flavor, and lastly a lasting chemical bitterness that resembles the flavor of the original chemical. I have to avoid reflexively throwing up because the fact that I am drinking what is essentially old fishtank water is fucking revolting.

T0:10-I can already feel something building in me. Is it just sickness? It feels like a psychedelic come up, but it is disturbingly rapid and powerful. I begin to shake and shiver as I feel my body become lighter. I feel like I’ve made some grave error, like I really did get too reckless. Something big is about to happen.

T0:20-I am starting to get visuals swirling on every surface. Standard rainbow fractals and swirling geometries beginning to overlay on every surface. I am shaking uncontrollably and feeling someone nauseous. It feels like my guts are liquefying and my body has been grabbed and is being shaken violently. Surfaces are beginning to warp and breathe.

T0:30-I can’t use my computer anymore. I lie down on my bed and pull my covers up over me and close my eyes. I have vivid closed eye visuals of interlocking polyhedrons breathing moving into and out of each other with the rhythm of my breathing. Sound starts to become warped and altered as it reverberates and resonates around me, each sound repeating and echoing into abyss. Opened eye visuals become powerful as every object in my room has a very stark appearance, stark and austere yet splashed with sharp outlines of color. I close my eyes and feel my body become numb and fall away as CEV’s of radiating and concentric shapes pulse about.

T0:45-Things get very strange now. I begin to observe objects around me and feel them hold a very “human” presence. I do not literally visualize these objects as anthropomorphic, but they have very anthropomorphic presence. I feel as though these objects are watching me, they are responding consciously to my presence, that they are somehow reacting to me. My pillow has a very fatherly presence. My walls are huge and stoic and imposing. My desk sits quietly and gazes. My blankets are warm loving people who are wrapping around me. Every object breathes with colors and warps and pulses as they surround me and experience me.

T1:00-My sense of proportion becomes very screwy. I suddenly feel very very tiny in this huge room of anthropomorphized furniture. I feel like my bed is stretching for hundreds of feet around me, like my walls are towering stories above me. I pull the blankets over my head and I feel like a tiny little man inside an enormous cavern, a cavern made of fabric, where the walls of the cave are breathing and are acknowledging my presence. Then suddenly I am as big as my bed. My bed has been molded to be my exact size, no bigger, no smaller. Suddenly my door is smaller than me, the walls trapping me inside their claustrophobic prison. I am in a world of changing sizes and sentient furniture…sounds familiar…

T1:30-I am slowly feeling less like I am watched. That has given way to a sort of euphoria and confidence that I never feel normally-oh god I feel GREAT. I feel amazing, I feel like I can do anything. I want to see and experience all of the world, all of its people, I want to do everything and I can do everything and anything! Visuls are dying down to a general blurriness and dancing, swirling, warping colors.

T2:00-Oh god what MISERY. I am lying on my back, staring blankly at my ceiling, eyes unblinking, mouth agape. I am so POINTLESS I am so USELESS. I will never be great, I will never amount to anything, there are too many people in this world for any quality of mine to stand out. I will not affect anything, I am so insignificant and inconsequential. These feelings flood in out of nowhere as the trip sputters out, I am just so taken by the horrible existential misery that I cannot even move.

T2:30-all of that bullshit has passed. I feel a little better, just back to the usual depressed melancholy… The trip can be over now. Of note was the insanely fast comeup, the short duration, the intense mood swings, and the anthropomorphization of everything around me.

2C-B + LSD + DXM

Age:18

Weight-125 lbs

Dosage: 45 mg 2C-B oral in tablet, 1 tab LSD (unknown dose) subglingual, 300 mg DXM oral (gel caps)

Setting: Party/show at a house

T0:00-Begin by ingesting 45 mg of 2C-B and 1 tab of acid. Pocket the DXM and head off to a party. The whole walk over I feel afraid of getting thrown into a full blown trip. I reach my destination safely.

T0:40-Beginning to feel rising effects but nothing strong. I smoke a bowl and start to get locked to a couch as my body simultaneously feels heavier and lighter. I’m getting the beginnings of patterns on blank surfaces, colorful and geometric, dancing and moving. They are subtle in very shallow relief against their surface. There was a band playing in the basement. I watched a good chunk of their performance and went back upstairs to talk to people. Things were looking blurrier, with colorful ghost images and warping surfaces everywhere. But I was definitely not peaking yet.

T:2:00-I still do not feel like I have peaked yet. The second performance of the night goes on. I spend this performance chugging down a bottle of robitussin gel caps. The performance goes on, ends, etc. By the time I go upstairs, I’m feeling heavy and sedated. My limbs move in slow motion, I feel like my flesh is sinking in its frame, my body is melting, gravity has been increased.

T2:30-I sit down and smoke more. I can barely even sit, the most comfortable position is lying down because it feels like my body is being dragged vertically downwards. I feel softer, heavier, more like my body is no longer composed of solid form but rather I am crafted from molasses. Surfaces are beginning to shift and crawl, as though everything is made of flowing rainbow liquids. I am removing the Tx:xx for the next 2 hours because they are a timeless blur.

T?:??-Things begin to really pick up. Time becomes an abstraction, a meaningless facet of my new reality. All I can recall in an overworld is lying down in various places. I would try to walk, it was super difficult. It felt like I was on a boat rocking violently in a storm, and my limbs were made of overcooked spaghetti. My vision of the overworld was everything divided into quadrilateral shapes of various sizes and angle. The world was flat and all value changes in my visual perception were defined by these shapes, each one with rippling and pulsing with colors at the edges. In my psychedelic mindscape I am completely fucking trashed for lack of more respectable terms.

I become the room I’m in. I close my eyes, my entire existence becomes an infinite blackness containing a window onto the room. I am not seeing this window, or perceiving it with any senses, I am merely existing in space containing it, I do not sense this window it is a part of my now unconscious unthinking existence. The room as it exists in this window has towering walls arcing and soaring high into the heavens. I exist as this for a while, perceiving myself in the third person in this window. Soon my existence becomes a narrow bar through the blackness, like wide screen TV, my existence being a mirrored image of the room reflected across a central axis as seen through this narrow bar. I wrap my arms around my head and create a cavernous expanse, my head the size of a pea within this unimaginably huge canyon of my arms. The inside of this space is defined by blocks of solid color. I feel my body sink into the floor like I’m lying on the surface of a viscous lake, physically feeling myself meld with whatever surface I’m on. The room is towering high above me, I am the size of an ant. Or I’m the size of the house, I AM the house, my size relative to the size of other things becomes irrelevant because it starts to shift so erratically. My body distorts and takes all sorts of different shapes, my arms becoming inches long, my legs becoming 10 feet long, my proportions become impossible and my body parts become impossible to place as I can no longer keep track of where anything is in respect to anything else. Every time I sit still my mind begins to drift from my body. I can feel my body bubble and melt and drip and drizzle onto the floor as it turns to liquid, my mind literally stretching away from it like bubblegum being stretched, my mind alone experiencing and feeling the essence of the fractal and colorful room independent of bodily sensation. All sound is distorted-everything sounds like it’s in slow motion, like chopped and screwed hip hop. Everything is much lower pitch than it should be, or the sounds are reverberating to the point of being unrecognizable. My body flops around like a big wet noodle when I try to move in any way.  I start to think- I AM SO ALTERED RIGHT NOW HOW CAN I EVER GET BACK INTO NOT BEING ALTERED? I LITERALLY CANNOT COMPREHEND A SOBER STATE RIGHT NOW though not in any actual articulated words. Rather the essence of words, the implied feeling and definition defined by the aesthetic form of the words rather than the symbolic meanings attached to the strings of phonics. Perceiving language in this way made it very difficult to communicate. I think I babbled a lot of nonsense to a lot of people. As I start to recognize my surroundings again, I see everything as though it’s a cubist painting, with a lot of large brutalistic simple geometric shapes composing my environment, each one viewed from an impossible amount of angles simultaneously. I feel like I can see every side of every object at once.

Tidk like 4:00?-I start regaining control of my thoughts and body. My body starts to become a physical thing again, the swirling amorphous viscous forms being congealed and woven back into a tangible being. I can sit still without my mind literally fleeing from my body and without my thoughts projecting into some ethereal entity that experiences the room beyond the boundaries of physical sense. I can sustain normal conversation. Walking is still very difficult, I mostly just feel off balanced at this point. Visual effects still go strong with things warping, melting, swirling, crawling, all of this accentuated by an aurora of dancing translucent color overlays.

T5:30-I leave the house. I am still tripping totally. I can see little details on every building, dancing with color and patterns. I lack any depth perception-far away buildings don’t seem far away, and because of this I feel like I am as big as them. The look small because they are distant but I feel as though they are that size but are right in front of me. Walking through the city I feel like I’m huge. Walking is still very difficult and balance is hard to maintain.

T7:00-I try to sleep. No. I lie awake for hours as fractal geometries dance on surfaces for a long while and slowly fade out as the trip withers away.

4-AcO-DMT (In a blizzard!!!!)

Age:18

Weight-135 lbs

Dose-~25 mg

Set/Setting-Center city Philadelphia, alone, huge snowstorm, 2 in the morning. No one around but crews working to clear the snow. Feeling a bit tired but otherwise looking forward to what this may bring. I had prepared a solution of 4-AcO-DMT and dosed volumetrically from that. I pour my dose into a bottle and set off.

T0:00-I get off a bus that slowly and haphazardly travels through the snowy streets. There was a man on the bus, his face was covered in blood and he was throwing up on the floor. I walk towards the art museum from city hall taking swigs of my bottle as I go. I added flavoring so it isn’t as cripplingly and nauseatingly bitter this time. I plug in headphones and begin the trudge towards the art museum. The streets are empty save for the occasional plow or police car working to keep the city from being entirely disabled the next day. I watch my solitary footprints leave a path behind me as I continue. By the time I near the museum, I can feel the come up. I can feel the energy and the warmth rising in me, relieving me of the burden of a body that must suffer in this cold. The snow rages around me, coating me, covering me, but I am still warm. I stop to tie my boot and become entranced in the drifting rainbow patterns shimmering on the fresh snow, unable to stand due to a simultaneous weightlessness yet great weight of my body.

T0:30-I ascend the steps, vision quaking and warping around me, bubbles of subtle color distorting the edges of my vision. At least I reach the top of the stairs, take a deep breath, and turn around to face the city. The great skyscrapers of Philadelphia cast a ghostly glow on the atmosphere, their muted lights dragged around by the sparking snow swirling around them, shafts of light shooting up into the sky. Everything seems to bend and move inwards towards the skyline, as if it is a great gravitational force. I smoke some victory weed, the serpentine wisps of smoke swirling away, delicately entwined with the falling snow. The muffled sounds of the world around me reverberate and blend together, each one colliding and spiraling off into infinity, birthing some new hybrid noise. I wander the plaza of the museum, marveling at the architecture and the beauty of its form, so carefully crafted. I marvel at the statue outside the main entrance, the warped and distorted human form, the beautiful balance and aesthetics. I begin my descent of the stairs and look back, noticing I’ve left swirling undulating wandering and erratic footprints.

T0:50-Thoughts begin to race through my head as I descend the stairs, not in any recognizable language but rather the essence of my reflections of the environment translated into some sort of symbolic phonetics. The snow masks the individual steps, making this a harrowing journey. Each step feels like a separate journey, a new eternity that I have to cross. Thoughts race through my head of what could go wrong as I descend-I could fall and injure myself, I could get trapped in a horrific loop, I could get arrested (for whatever reason), I imagine myself in the back of a cop car, extremely confused, my thoughts looping through emotions of terror and utter devastation. I would later find out that my parents had been stalking my social media without my knowledge and I had been foolish enough to brag about this experience online. They later told me they had considered coming out to get me, something that would have likely been traumatic. Thankfully I make it safely to the bottom of the steps and begin my journey back towards center city. As this unfolds I am stricken by an intense déjà vu, as vivid memories of my dreams begin to dance in my head. It becomes hard to distinguish between real memories and the subconscious memories of my dreams. While walking down the boulevard, I become more entranced by what I identify as the real ones. Every memory I can imagine, blossoming off into another by slight relevance, like clicking through Wikipedia articles, each one vividly playing out before me within this short span of time. I did not necessarily relive them in a sensory way-though images of them would flash in the darkness behind the swirling snow and in my peripheral vision-rather I vividly experienced the emotions and mindset of each memory, as if I was there experiencing the way these things all made me feel. Beautiful, tear jerking nostalgia. I am reminded of how much work I have put into this life, amassing all these experiences. All the while the ground is pulsing and rippling and twitching with lines and ghost images of every conceivable color, depth perception is completely destroyed as double images begin to overcome my vision and spaces begin to shrink and expand in unpredictable and inconceivable ways. The snow obscures the border between road and sidewalk, along with the complex textures overlaying every surface, making navigation and walking very difficult. This comes along with fear of being hit by one of the many plows busily patrolling the streets and pushing the snow aside.

T1:30-I arrive at a park and realize that I am pretty exhausted. I wipe snow off a bench and sit down. Then I crumble. My body lies completely still as the snow swirls around me, consuming all of my senses. I am just an object in this world, as much a part of the earth as the snow and this bench and the ground and the icy air around me. I am a glacier, a statue, the snow coats me as I ponder that I am made of the same tiny things as everything around me, that these tiny bits could unbond and I could disperse throughout the universe. The world crumbles around me as I imagine myself in different places. Am I really on this bench right now? Am I dreaming? Am I in my room? What is “location”, could I really be anywhere I wanted to? I am glued to this bench, snow piling on me. I then realize that I should move, lest I become frozen in place forever.

T1:40-I am city hall, it is huge and glorious, but it means nothing to the torrent of snow. I then realize how messed up my sense of scale is. Various buildings seem to be as large as me, I feel larger than some, others seem to be impossibly huge and grandiose. I feel like I am a walking building-I am the city, the city is me, and we are both being crushed under the onslaught of winter’s wrath. I decide two things- one is that I really need to pee, two is that I want to go see Chinatown and its perpetual display of vibrant lights. I walk in that general direction. There are more road crews around city hall working tirelessly to keep the streets clear. I stop and rest in a tunnel and realize a predicament-how the hell am I getting home? Is the bus still running even? Oops, major mistake. I watch a person across the street sheltering in the tunnel and realize how lonely and desolate this place is. I wander out to street and realize I’m going in circles. This happens so often when I trip alone in the city, I get very hopelessly lost. Space means nothing and familiar landmarks are unrecognizable as everything gets drowned out in distortions and colors. I eventually find myself in Chinatown after much wandering and tripping and falling. I am becoming intolerably cold as my layers and bundles begin to falter to the constant wind and snow. Chinatown is glowing and beautiful, each building bathed in an aura of light as it catches the drifting crystals of ice. The buildings are intricate and beautiful, with so much detail and filth packed into every corner of my vision, all of it being buried and simplified under the blankets of snow. Teenagers are enjoying the night and taking pictures and laughing and joking. I feel pretty exhausted by now. Every part of me has layers of snow on it, my hair has icicles hanging from it and is frozen into one solid mass, my eyebrows and face coated and frozen with little bits of ice. I cannot walk anymore, merely shuffling along. I must look pretty destitute.

T2:30-After my aimless wandering, I decide to focus my efforts on getting home. I feel so worn, so tired… I put in headphones and listen to some music. Suddenly I am energized. My face turns into an indelible smile as I suddenly feel like I can do this. The music pulses through my being, warms my veins. I feel like I could run home through the snow, the abruptness and magnitude of this change is incredible. Everything is still breathing and covered in a nice smooth coating of pure, unfettered winter. After walking in circles around city hall trying to get my bearings I find a northbound street that will bring me home. I trudge up the unshoveled walk, the snow now up past my ankles. Its only falling harder now, leaving a thicker and more muffling blanket on every surface. Right before me, an avalanche slides off the roof of a church, a beautiful shimmering and sparking and glittering cascade, swirling to the ground and catching in the wind, the stray snowflakes being catapulted skyward and carried far away. I run into a man trying to get into the subway station. I ask if it’s running, he says it doesn’t seem like it. I continue on my way, trudging north. The man runs and catches up with me saying we could split the bill on a cab north, as he is headed there too. Interaction is hard and awkward, my own voice resounds in my skull and reverberates, consuming my entire soundspace. I agree, and we continue walking until we catch sight of a cab. We hail it and get in. The ride is bumpy and slippery and a lot of fun. The driver haphazardly weaves around snow drifts, paying no heed to lanes or anything. After all, they are completely obscured and there are no other cars on the road. I get off back at my university, and a friend invites me over to warm up and spend the night. Here, the winds are extreme. I can feel them blow me around, making it difficult to walk. They sculpt the snow into all sorts of patterns, the snow even forming dunes in one area. The dunes pulse with concentric circles.

T3:30-After settling down in a nice warm house and smoking several bowls I feel the afterglow. Images still dance on blank surfaces, flashing colorful patterns and hexagons. Things still breathe and pulsate color. I am so warm and so comfortable and so euphoric. Sleeping over with my friend and cuddling with her in her warm house as the storm rages outside in the dark smoky room is absolute bliss. We listen to music and talk late into the night as the trip withers away and gives way to a comfortable fatigue. Faint patterns dance on the ceiling, politely staring down at me throughout the rest of the night. I would say the afterglow effects continued for about 2 more hours before I can sleep. The next day I am extremely exhausted but practically glowing inside. 

x

4-AcO-DMT

CW: Depression

Age:18

Weight-135 lbs

Dose-~25-30 mg

Set: I’ve been depressed as hell lately I want to try and pull myself away from all of it. I had 265 mg in a bag. I measured out roughly 500 mL of water (imprecise measurements, don’t do this!) and dissolved the 265 mg in there. That was a little more than 1 mg/2mL. I then measured out (again, very rough) 50 mL of water and put it in a separate bottle. This I would take with me on my journey. I did 1500 ug of 25i-NBOH a little more than a week ago, so I have that in my system, probably dampening the full effect of my dose.

T0:00- I get off a bus in North Philly and chug down the bottle. It’s nauseatingly bitter. I walk towards my safe place, a secluded spot under a bridge where if things get too intense I won’t make a scene.

T0:30- Getting the first feelings- a floaty body and a generally uplifting rushing feeling. It approaches. I reach my safe place and smoke a bowl. With each hit I take, I can feel myself sinking deeper. I feel heavier and slower. Sounds begin to warp around me. Its building and building.

T0:40- I look up to the sky and find it drifting and breathing with patterns. Every ray of sun cuts through the glassy cold atmosphere and glistens on the frigid trees, all breathing and swirling with color. I am weightless yet glued to the ground where I sit. My mouth twists into a smile and I giggle. The sound of cars running over the bridge above me echo and warp and drone and shake as they wiggle down to me below. I decide I’m lucid enough to be in public. I walk into the park nearby and sit by a pond. The ground is covered in snow and the setting sun glows dull and melancholy on it. The air feels blue, everything feels cold and blue, as if a chilling mist has settled on the landscape. I am shivering violently, part the usual tremors in reaction to most drugs I take, part being really cold. I lie down on a rock and bask in the swirling breathing cold that surrounds me. Visuals are pretty light, the trees appear to contain repeating patterns and they swirl and breathe, but that’s about it. Nothing all-consuming and they can be ignored if I want to (but why would I want to?).

T1:00-I am lying on this rock, thinking blue thoughts in the blue world. It feels like I’m sinking into the rock, like my frigid body has become joined to this frigid stone. It is like there is a blanket being pulled tightly over me, binding me in place. I hoped a tryptamine would be more kind to me emotionally than my recent phenethylamine experiences have been. So that doesn’t seem to be the case. Still the same ill emotions amplified in me. Still the same sadness, the same grim outlook on life, the same fear of a future as bleak as the cold blue air today. I close my eyes and I am consumed by the closed eyed visuals, concentric patterns flashing and pulsing with color. That was neat I guess. I sigh and stand up, the cold hugging my body and forcing me to shiver. The snow is dancing with colors but I feel so sad and disappointed. “same old bullshit, same old same old”

I walk to the river. The air feels bluer than ever, an icy twilight chill hovering over everything. The entire river is frozen over. Intricate patterns trace through the ice, I’m not sure if these are natural or a result of the drug. I can sense the cold hovering over and coagulating on the icy river. Walking along I decide to sit and ponder and stare at the ice some more. This happens a lot as I walk along the river. It all feels so sad and I don’t know where I’m going to go back to. Every time I sit I feel glued to where I am, it’s very hard to stand up.

T1:40-I am feeling a bit better as I walk. I’m feeling more confident and beginning to realize all these ill thoughts-the social paranoia, the pessimistic view of the future- are not objective things, it’s my perception of these things that decides how they make me feel, and I may have the power to break free of everything and change that. I may have the power to dismiss the delusional paranoid thoughts as toxic delusions, I have the power of dismissal, I feel it now more than ever before. I feel like I am being cleansed, like this chemical is washing my mind free of every horrible thought that pollutes my mind and poisons it into self-destructive illness. I sit on a bench and watch the orange rays of sun cut through the icy blue air and glance off the icy surface of the river. I smile, everything will be better, I will be better. I’ve spent my entire life hating myself, I need to try something else now, it was just not working. I sit at the steps of the art museum overlooking the city and think about how many stories I’ve spun in the space before me, all the experiences I’ve experienced, all the things only I have felt and known that I can only dream of sharing with others. Regardless of whether or not I can share these, I know they only exist in my mind and no one else’s. Once I’m dead, those memories, those stories are all gone. They aren’t recorded, they only exist in one place, and its up to me to preserve that one place as long as I can. I put so much work into living and into being and into exploring the world around me, and I needed to do more of that for as long as I could because there was so much world to create and so much world to explore, I couldn’t waste that by hating myself and killing myself.

T2:30-After aimlessly sitting for a while I set off across the city. The 2 hours that followed were wonderful and beautiful. I walk around the city, taking in the experience of a million people around me and the monument to living they have created around me. I take joy in all the people around me in the street, every building. I am brimming with confidence in how comfortably I exist in this space together with all these people. Visuals hardly exist anymore, but I definitely *FEEL* high. Very high. Sounds still dance and warp. After wandering the city for a while I return to my school and relax and warm up.

~conclusion~

Beautiful life changing trip. Cannot articulate how beautiful it was. Not very visual or extremely strong, maybe due to the tolerance I built up. The lessons I thought I learned would end up not sticking, as nothing ever does. It turns out I am much less in control of things than I had thought.

25i-NBOH

Age:18

Weight-135 lbs

Dose-1000 ug (1 mg) subingual

Setting- My bedroom

T0:00- One tab in the mouth. Bitter taste, numbing flavor, pretty much like any NBOMe.

T0:20- I can feel something building. It’s like there is buzzing through my body and energy is building throughout my veins.

T0:40-Start to notice visuals-blank surfaces appear to have more depth and texture to them and things begin to look more colorful. I start getting a more intense bodyload in the form of slight nausea and really intense shaking. My jaws are beginning to clench and all my muscles are starting to feel twitchy and uncomfortable. Soon, it feels as if the building energy and the building psychedelia have overflowed and spilled over-the dam breaks and it hits me all at once. I am buffeted by the surge as the faint patterns and spiraling grow in intensity. dancing over every surface. I'm shaking so hard I begin to get paranoid I'm noticeably shaking the entire house. I feel cold and shivery but hot and sweaty at the same time.

T0:50- The bodyload becomes extremely uncomfortable. I have read a lot of trash talking on the NBOx series before this and I'm starting to understand where they were coming from. My body just cannot sit still, it feels like there is lightning coursing through my veins and muscles. The patterns continue to grow in intensity. Spirals twirl across every surface, splattering the world with rainbow tracers. The white lights of my keyboard are spinning off rainbows as the text and images on the screen begin to warp and melt and leak even more colors. I decide to lie down under blankets to try to take some deep breaths and stave off the bodyload.

T0:55- I begin to breathe deeply and focus on keeping my body still, and for the most part it works. I close my eyes and am greeted by an infinite 3 dimensional world of colorful fractals and spirals. I open my eyes and the dark room is dominated by flashing bullseye patterns and snowflake patterns in a rainbow of contrasting colors. Mentally, I don't feel very different. I am still lucid and thinking straight, all my thought processes are proceeding as normal, just with intense visual stimulation. I stand up and return to my computer, floating the whole way there amidst a galaxy of pulsing colors.

T1:00- The visuals turn synesthetic and begin to dance with the music, dots and colors and circles spinning and swirling and pulsing to the beat. The music begins to take on a strange tinny artificial sound like it's being played through the chopping of fan blades. I am overcome with a wave of great sweet euphoria that I could only describe as "colorful" due to the fact that the bodyload seems to have fallen away.

T1:10- I begin to feel more impaired. The room is swirling and rocking like I am on a boat. Every thought suddenly explodes into a chain of more thoughts, my mind becomes scrambled trying to pursue each one. The fountains of thought are exploding in turn from each one to obscure any sort of conclusion- it is an inescapable mess of a positive feedback loop. I close my eyes and allow myself to become immersed in intense closed eye visuals to try and sort this out. While my eyes are closed it feels like I am repeatedly having a really bright light flashed against my eyelids. I sit there for what seems like half an hour with my eyes closed, eventually stringing my tangled thought processes together into straight cut paths where they can flow freely and no longer redundantly coil in on themselves. I open my eyes, calm and focused, and notice only 3 minutes have passed. Oh.

T1:20- Auditory hallucinations become marked. I turn off my music which is beginning to echo and sound unnervingly robotic and artificial and sit there to appreciate the sounds of the world. There is a beeping sound that resembles the chirping of birds resonating through my room. The sound of my fan which is usually one steady block of white noise begins to raise and lower in pitch, sounding like its pulsing through the room in sine waves. More strange beeping and chirping noises begin to crawl out of the corners of my auditory environment, entering my ears and bouncing off each other and dancing and synesthizing into visuals around me. For the next half hour or so I alternate between using the computer and lying on my bed when the body load comes back. I notice it coming in waves and alternating in strength. Eventually, the people I'm talking to begin to drop off and go to sleep. At one point I'm lying on my bed, my laptop is closed and my phone is no longer buzzing, and I suddenly feel so alone. The last time I tripped alone in my room I was talking to people until sunrise. This time however, there is no one, and nothing. I suddenly realize how alone I feel without technology. Without this constant connection to people, everything feels cold and desolate, and I realize how addicted I have become to constant human interaction.

T1:50- I go downstairs to grab my jacket. I don't feel very impaired and my thought processes are proceeding logically and normally, but I have a lot of trouble walking and balancing. My living room, lit up only by streetlights, becomes a world of red and blue double images, like in old 3d movies. In my basement, everything is overtaken by rainbow ghost images. I run upstairs and grab my cat on the way up, his fur swirling and warping. Climbing the stairs in the dark holding a cat while tripping too hard to have balance proves to be exceedingly stressful. I pretty much hold my breath the whole way up, heart racing with what is probably unhealthy intensity. By the time I finally reach the top, I have to collapse in a chair and I am hyperventilating. In the darkness of my room, my cat's entire substance soon becomes a field of chomping teeth, sinister and dark. This freaks me out so I put him down, but the hallucination spreads, and all around me in the dark are mouths of glimmering white and faintly red teeth biting at me. This doesn't really bother me that much anymore and it eventually fades.

T2:10-My thoughts are beginning to uncontrollably chain again, and I browse the internet taking extreme interest in every little detail and every little thing that could possibly distract me. In the end I have about 10 tabs open to various things that have caught my interest. It's the same attention to detail and insatiable that weed gives me, amplified a thousandfold. I end up focusing on one thing-a random girl's instagram. I forget how I found it, I think I was just clicking the comments in an advertisement I saw. But I soon find out that I am pretty much able to witness her entire life unfold on this one piece of social media. I watch her begin as an innocent teenager taking pictures of her pets, who then gets really into partying and raving. Soon are pictures of bong hits and acid tabs and sweaty scantily clad people at music festivals. Then pictures of large sums of money from dealing drugs and stripping, and the large amounts of drugs she moved. Then her as a full time professional stripper. I just found it so fascinating and I connected so empathically with this random person. It amazed me how easy it was to witness every detail of a total stranger’s life, and I was just amazed at how it felt like I knew exactly how her life unfolded. The most absurd part is through all of this, I wasn’t even able to discern what her name was. Bodyload is all but gone at this point. Visuals still powerful and universal. Auditory hallucinations are gone.

T3:20-After that whole adventure, the next 3 hours are just more chasing random details and distractions. Visuals are still going strong. Not all consuming as they were before, but impossible to ignore. Aztec like patterns breathe on every surface and emit impossible rainbows of color.

T6:10-I decide to smoke a bowl as I watch the sun rise. This kicks everything back into gear. The visuals suddenly become prominent and solid again, appearing bright and 3-dimensional. The clouds outside that are lit by the glowing rising sun begin to dance and form into shapes and recede into the distance. I take a shower. Each drop of water is a sphere of rainbow colors and I become entranced by an architectural visual in the floor of my bathtub-it appears like I am lying in a courtyard looking up into the sky, the roofs of buildings framing it, except I am standing up and looking down, making it appear like the sky and buildings are in the floor. I finish up and dry myself off with a towel that is swirling and crawling around me. I bundle up and decide to take a walk on this frigid winter day amongst the snow. It is about 8:00 AM now.

T6:40- I walk around town. Visuals are only apparent anymore when I stop and stare at anything. I feel very lucid and in control, but while walking I am struck by a tidal wave of empathy. I suddenly feel immense guilt and sadness for past actions and unfair ways I have treated people (mostly a certain person) in my past. I started tearing up while walking around (which became pretty uncomfortable when the tears froze). The rest of the walk was alternating intense sadness and remorse and explosive confidence and unfounded feelings of self worth. When I get back to my house I look to the sky to see the clouds appear to be rushing and shrinking and receding into the distance.

T8:00- Visuals still dance around my field of vision. I am talking to several people and trying to present myself as moral or empathic or something. I feel like I have the confidence to understand people's feelings and connect with them (it really doesn't end up working). I drift around on my inflated ego.

T11:00- I can say I've returned to baseline at this point. Feelings of confidence and connection and empathy have been replaced with dulled feelings of bleak sadness and regret and deepset boredom and self loathing, as usual. I guess nothing ever sticks.

Conclusion-I can't really see any permanent psychedelic therapy uses for this one, as while it does fill the user with beautiful colorful empathy while it lasts, it eventually fades to the exact same state as before. Afterglow as negligible. That might just be me though. I can say though, it had the most beautiful and intense visuals of any trip. I would use this to go on an adventure somewhere to make the world look more interesting. I would take it again, just for how it alters perception. Cognitive and emotional effects were interesting and noteworthy but don't seem to contribute developmentally. It lasts longer than the NBOMe's I’ve taken too which was nice. I also noticed that unlike NBOMe's, which usually prey on my self loathing and intensify it, this one had more a confidence and reasonable remorse effect, where it didn't just cast unfounded hatred upon myself but made me feel more empathetically and justifiably wrong about things that needed to be addressed.

Mushrooms + MDMA + 25c-NBOMe

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

CW: existential dread, death, stroke

Age:18

Weight-135 lbs
Dosage: 200 mg MDMA oral in gel cap, 3.5 g Mushrooms oral, 1000 ug 25c-NBOMe sublingual

Setting: Around Philadelphia

T0:00-Took 200 mg MDMA in capsule, proceed to walk towards the safe place I intend to trip

T0:30-Reach my destination and do some stuff first. Then consume the mushrooms with lemon iced tea

T045-Smoke a bowl. Starting to feel a bit light, kinda high. Colors look brighter, the cold starts to go away. Put tab of 25c-NBOMe in my mouth.

T1:00-Wowwww. I can feel all the chemicals rising within me like a bubble. It feels like a grand crescendo as a numbness and lightness starts to rise through my body and pulse through my veins. Colors look brighter and everything is just more colorful and starting to breathe and shimmer and warp and move. My vision is shaking back and forth as this chemical cocktail approaches climax. I feel like I'm covered in fur; my clothes feel as if they are part of me, staving off the cold November day. Time seems to speed up as I pace back and forth around my trip location, getting giddier and more energetic by the second.

T1:10-BLASTOFF-I decide I'm lucid enough to leave. I refuse to spend a moment like this in one place, I need to SEE the world. I am bursting with energy and excitement and warmth. I leave into a park where the grass is glowing a bright green, shimmering with waves. The sun beams down on me, filling my body with the warmth of its beams of light. I feel INCREDIBLE. The world is hugging me and the air is swirling around me, taking my substance and pulling it off of me, meshing it with pure euphoria.

T1:20-I cross the street to the river. The surface is shimmering and swirling like a painting. The air is clean and glowing and flows through me. Each breath I take feels amazing, it just feels so good to be ALIVE! The sounds of the city around me echo and trail off and bounce off of each other. My heart is beating like crazy but it doesn't feel ill or wrong or anything, its just pumping more euphoric blood through me. I walk along the river along the jogging path and take in my surroundings-the great glowing colorful sky with its 3 dimensional clouds that dance and shift above me while pulsing off colors- the trees, mirroring themselves and emitting rainbows and swirling into the sky above me, the people who walk by, their faces off-color caricatures. I put in headphones and listen to music.

T1:30-So much great feeling. Too much great feeling. The music starts to reach its climax as I climb uphill-then I feel it. Part of my body starts to feel numb, it starts to feel like its drooping. The music starts to grow dangerously discordant at this crescendo. I can feel my breathing start to labor. Then it hits me-I'm having a stroke. I went too hard, I flew too close to the sun. The moment all those chemicals hit my brain, I was already dead, and all I had were a few minutes of paradise before I felt the brunt of my actions. I accepted my death as a consequence. I imagined the scene, I would collapse here, in the grass. Someone would pick me up, I would wake up later in the hospital, paralyzed, unable to interact with the world around me-my family would be there, and I would hear the doctors say the word "stroke" "stroookeeeee" the world played out in my head as I imagined all the circuits blowing in my brain and leaking blood everywhere. The whole scene played out before me. This was the end. I took out the headphones, sat down beneath a statue, waited for the inevitable. It never came. My heart rate slowed down a bit, and a few deep breaths later the feeling was gone. I was fine. I was just imagining it. I was only on a lot of drugs. I was so awash with relief, such incredible relief I had never felt before in my life. I decided the music was too much-overstimulating, took my brain in bad directions. I was stimulated enough by the world around me. I continued my journey.

T1:40-I'm calling everyone I know, telling them how beautiful the world is. I am exploding with relief and euphoria-there is so much happiness in the world around me I don't know what to start with. Each blade of grass, each little pebble, each cloud in the sky is exploding with so much happiness by the mere virtue of existing. Every breath I take explodes and reverberates throughout me, filling me with infinite relief and reminding me that I'm alive. Every little movement I make fills me with relief and orgasmic happiness. I am so overstimulated, I don't even know where to begin interacting with each beautiful facet of this beautiful world.

T2:00-Thus begins a strange walk across the city of Philadelphia. I'm around the art museum when I decide to stop calling people and begin to take in the world around me. Every sound echoes and bounces and flits around me and orbits my mind, bleeping and blinking and strumming. Every second seems to repeat itself as I walk-Any thought I have immediately redirects to "IM SO HAPPY TO BE LIVING RIGHT NOW", thus making each moment feel like a clone of the last. My thoughts are going frame by frame, each frame exactly the same except for my surroundings. I seem to be trapped in a thought loop while I walk, but it is only positive thoughts that are looping, so I don't have any issue with it. Each thought and each breath I take spins off into the world and swirls away in a stream of fractals. The world around me is twisting and swirling and breathing, flashing colors and moving and mirroring and dancing around me, pulling my thoughts and interactions away into the grand chaos of it all.

T2:10-3:00-This part is a total blur. Just gone from my memory. Apparently I was walking this whole time and obeying traffic laws because I didn't get hurt. But I was in one part of the city one moment, and then in another part the next. The sun was setting, and I was starting to feel more lucid as I approached the Delaware waterfront. All around me people were working to set something up. Whatever they were shouting to each other sounded like a babbling alien language, but I'm almost entirely sure it was English. I admired the waterfront for a bit before deciding to aimlessly float into old city. This is when things turned ill.

T3:30-It's twilight now. I begin to feel the repercussions of my energetic 3 hours walk that I wasn't feeling before. I feel worn and tired, my legs feel sore, and I start to feel cold. The light drizzle that popped in every now and then throughout the day picks up. It's cold, dark, dirty and wet. I go into a garden and find a bench in a gazebo and lie down. Its then that everything turns grim. What is my future going to be? It's nothing but schoolwork and money problems. And furthermore, I'm really far from home. How the hell am I getting home? I don't have enough energy to walk back. And who do I have to go back to? I feel so cold and lonely, and the future looks so unimaginably bleak, like a big storm cloud on the horizon. The ceiling of the gazebo stretches away into infinity and the plants around me dance and breathe. Everything feels so awful, and in that moment, I wished I could just escape it all, escape the whole life I had, escape my body, escape being trapped within myself. I had no hope.

T4:00-I get up off the bench, still feeling miserable. The next hour is a horrible horrible experience. I wander aimlessly through old city in the cold wet dark, so hopelessly and completely lost with no hope for the future. I'm going back to my cold shitty dorm to take shitty classes and live my shitty life-why was I even trying to go home? Could I make it without collapsing from exhaustion? I hadn't eaten anything that day. All I wanted to do was collapse and melt into the world. I had to stop every few blocks to curl up on a stoop or something and regain my energy, or curl up on the curb, simmering in cold psychedelic induced misery. For this I blame the 25c, which usually makes me feel critical and overanalytical. I begin to question everything I do-why do I do what I do, what the hell's the point of it all? Why do I dress like I do? Why do I do these drugs? Why do I behave how I do? I don't have answers to any of it, and that adds to feeling lost and hopeless.

T5:00-In the darkness, there is light. A cafe called "Good Karma Cafe". Its door is open, it glows on the dark block, it beckons to me. I go inside and take a seat. Its warm and dry inside, the light fills me with its warm glow. Everything is still breathing its colors and flashing lights. I decide in here that the future doesn't matter, it'll work out however it works out, I just need to take some deep breaths and be okay with myself. I examine the saltwater fishtank, and all the beautiful animals inside seem to be so content with their lives. I exist the cafe, and suddenly see a street sign I recognize. I am no longer lost- I wander back to a subway station and take a train home.

T6:00-I go to good friends house and smoke more and relax my tired bones and warm up. It's good to relax. As time winds on I begin to feel the pangs of self criticism and begin to question myself in everything again. Things are still breathing and emitting colors as I curl up and wonder "what the hell do I do, what the hell am I, what the hell have I become, why the hell do I do things?" These pang through my head and make me extremely self conscious of every action I take-once again I attribute this to the 25c. Probably should have left that out of the combo. I later go to dinner with some more friends and I am taciturn and too wary of my actions to do much, but as the drugs wear down I grow more open and can interact better.

In general, the MDMA is incredible with any psychedelic I would assume-the swirling unwinding and exploding thoughts combined with the euphoria from the MDMA is such a beautiful synergy. I wish I hadn't taken the 25c however, because I feel like it put me in a very negative mindset.

DOB

3mg DOB sublingual +Cannabis

Body weight-130 lbs

T0:00- 2 tabs each containing 1.5 mg DOB taken orally. Attempt to take them sublingually is foiled by their awful nauseating flavor.

T1:00- Body load can definitely be felt. I feel "high" but in a stimulant sense. It’s an energetic feeling, like there is electricity coursing through my muscles.

T2:00- Body load is much more noticeable. I am violently shaking and can't sit in one position for more than 30 seconds. Visuals are starting to pick up a tiny bit, with everything appearing distant and oddly proportioned. There is a faint pattern, its colors shifting in constant flux, overlaying everything.

T3:00- I decide to head outside. As I attempt to walk, I begin to feel a familiar feeling of lightweightedness; it’s as if my body is floating and gliding along. The hallway I walk down breathes and pulsates with a myriad of colors, 3d patterns adorning every wall. Every sound is amplified to the same volume and each flattened auditory particle echos into oblivion. One thing I note is that everything looks very blurry- it was hard to look closely and focus on things visually. Everything appears washed out and in high contrast too.

T3:10- I meet up with a friend and we begin to walk around campus. It's a very cold day but I cannot really feel it. I still feel as if I'm gliding along, and the bricks of the walkway beneath me dance and breathe and radiate colors. My friend goes inside to get weed and I wait outside. I am quite uncomfortable and I feel as if people are staring at me as they walk by.

T3:30- We head off to go smoke. At this point the trip noticeably building, becoming stronger and stronger by the second. Conversation becomes awkward and hard to maintain as I start to grow overly critical of my own actions and try desperately to choose my words as carefully as possible. Everything I says ends up being an awkward jumble as I stumble over the words I try to remember thinking.

T3:45- I am definitely peaking at this point. I start to drift away from my body as we're walking, and reality begins to fall away around me. Everything is breathing and intensely adorned with vibrant patterns. The clouds in the sky flash and dance above me. I feel as if I am floating above my body, watching it walk down the street. The street is covered in fractals and flashing patterns that drift and twitch and dance, synchronized with the pulses of energy that have replaced my body. We reach our smoke spot and light up. This calms my shaking and body load a bit. The walk back is quiet and awkward- I struggle to maintain my composure as the trip grows ever stronger. Any attempts at conversation fail as I get distracted by every little bit of stimulus in my environment. Sound waves dance and echo around me and ricochet off each other creating a grand psychedelic cacophony.

T4:00 my friend goes inside. I suddenly find myself alone in public, tripping extremely hard. I sit down on a bench and try not to attract attention to myself, but everyone walking by seems to be staring at me. This makes me very nervous, so I try to look as unassuming as possible. The sidewalk extends away from me into infinity. Every straight line is blurring and rippling. The trees are mirroring themselves and emitting rainbows. Every time I catch a snippet of someone's conversation as they walk by, I focus intensely on what words I can catch. Everything feels so trivial, every little interaction with people and every little action we perform. My mind is suddenly taken by a grand cynical specter. It distorts my thoughts into a cold, calculating, and critical analysis of the interactions of others- they all seem so superficial and trivial. I develop the idea that people interact not to interact with others but as a sort of game where people try to validate themselves by bouncing ideas, concepts, and words off each other in the hopes that they will gain approval. I begin to see social interaction as a bartering of validation. These racing, cynical, critical thoughts rage unabated.

T4:30 I am getting very nervous and shaking a lot. I decide to walk back to my dorm. The walk back is just as scary as sitting on the bench was, and I try to pay attention to my numb body to make sure I'm not physically moving in a way that may draw negative attention to me. The cynicism is not just outward projections, it’s heavily internalized too. As much as I can criticize others, it feels wrong to do so without harshly berating myself.

T5:00 I return to my dorm. It is delightfully warm inside and it calms me down a great deal to be back in the safety of my room, comfortable and alone save for my roommate. I try to go on the internet, but the triviality of the world scares me. I become critical of every little action of mine, fearful of how trivial everything I do is. I feel like nothing I do is worth anything unless it is grand or holds some grand significance. It’s like I have been poisoned with debilitating nihilism.

T6:00 My roommate leaves to go get dinner. After trying to tackle my mental state for so long, I cherish the alone time and lie on my bed and close my eyes and listen to music. The torrent of thought and meditation and introspection is indescribable and impossible to put into words. The flowery fractals on my ceiling dance to the music as my racing thoughts calm down and the triviality of the world gives way to great beauty. Everything is wonderful and beautiful, everything is done with great intention, and although it may seem trivial, it is all connected and builds to something grand. I’m not sure what mental gymnastics I leapt through to experience a complete reversal of my mindset. Esoteric and evasive patterns crept through my mind, rewiring and restructuring everything in ways that were beyond my grasp.

T8:00- I go out again and hang out with some friends while as I start to come down. Nothing to note here-visuals slowly and gradually died down and gave way to a wonderful afterglow. The shaking and bodyload persisted for quite a while but it wasn't intrusive. The afterglow was one of happiness, energy, and confidence.

T14:00-I go to sleep. The entire next day I felt completely worn and physically destroyed, sleeping until very late in the afternoon.