2016 in Review

I guess this is going to be an annual tradition as long as I am mired in this swamp... I will inevitably stop this activity or run out of new drugs to try, but until then!
So uh, I did a great deal of drugs in 2016. I would consider this year the most concentrated year of my activities to date, at least in terms of rigorous study of new substances. I have thankfully reduced my level of casual abuse, which peaked the previous year, concurrent with worsening depression. A better mental state this year has meant more responsibly (although admittedly not entirely responsible) use. My mental health has vastly improved, mostly attributable to a wonderful support network and a relationship with someone that has lasted throughout most of the year. I am really truly and deeply in love and it has helped me wrangle my still tumultuous mental state better than I ever have before, this is not even the shallow confidence gained from someone adoring me, but an infinitely deeper level of improvement, introspection, enrichment, and support coming from someone who understands my mind at a fundamental level. I love you so incredibly much, and I am grateful for your presence in my life every single day.
This is the year I had the most hallucinogenic experiences, beating out 2015 by a margin of 20 experiences. This will probably be the peak of my use, as I am literally running out of new things to try and I am losing the energy, health, time, and wherewithal to pursue this as passionately as I once did. I have now had over 200 hallucinogenic experiences, and my quantity of tasted substances has reached 70.
Looking onwards, i still wish to pursue new substances at the very least, and to pursue a more refined and more strictly regimented pattern of casual use to enhance experiences or foment self-improvement and transhumanistic practice. I aim to end the casual abuse as it is detrimental to my health and fills me with feelings of guilt and unrequited hedonism. Although it is mighty mighty fun...  there are ways to have fun and have it still be useful and productive. As far as new combinations go, I wish to end the binging behavior I often find myself doing, where I am just impulsively stacking substances on each other without any real intent or direction. In the future, I wish to only do meticulously planned and calculated combinations. Most of this stems from a desire to continue producing reports. Having received some serious feedback on my reports, I aim to produce reports of superior quality and universal usefulness to the intrepid psychonaut, especially for the bank of new and rare substances that are beginning to rear their heads in the market.
Without revealing toooo much info, I will say that I have become an active participant in the inner workings of one of the most prominent websites for harm reduction and unbiased, pragmatic information on drugs. This has certainly helped to make me feel like the knowledge I have accrued is of some use and I am happy to be providing material gains to others through my passion and interest. This is something I wish to continue indefinitely, even beyond whenever I may stop my experiments.

Anyways, here's a power ranking of every new drug I tried this year. I'll take it from the top again. Full reports for all of these are in the sidebar.

1. 3-MeO-PCE: The #1 spot for the second year in a row is a dissociative, and more specifically, a delightful little arylcyclohexamine. 3-MeO-PCE presents as MXE's more functional cousin, leaning more towards the experience given by 3-MeO-PCP but improved in every way. Rather than the usual dissociative dumbing down, this one affects cognition almost like a psychedelic, vastly improving focus and cognitive ability. This one has some serious transhumanistic and therapeutic potential, and while quite rare, I now have a substantial quantity with which I can experiment. Euphoric, colorful, and truly shows the potential to improve my life and myself. I'm excited to further familiarize myself with this.

2. Diphenidine: My experiences with this chemical are apparently non-standard. It is strikingly similar to 3-MeO-PCE, although it strikes much more of an emotional and manic chord. This is a bit more dangerous than 3-MeO-PCE as I can definitely see the potential for going off the rails a bit. But damn does this one drill to my core and really make me think and feel in a way that feels uninhibited from my sober state. This is one to be used with the utmost caution, though its rewards seem bountiful and sweet.

3. 2C-C: As is going to be established repeatedly throughout this list, bodyload is truly one of the biggest hinderances to my experimentation. Some say to embrace it, to accept it, to feel the pain, but honestly after so many times that just no longer become interesting or productive. 2C-C has blessed me with experiences entirely free of any bodyload, and in its stead, it has a quite pleasurable feel in my flesh. It's sufficiently deep, analytical, and visual, and lacks the irritating stimulation that some of its cousins have. A delightful substance that is extremely useful in combinations.

4. 2C-I: I once presumed I had taken this in the early naive days of my experimentation, sold as LSD. I have since tasted a batch that is 100% confirmed to be this, and have had nothing but interesting experiences from it. It too is not too heavy on the body, and thus has found its way into my tool chest. What really places it high on my list is that when insufflated, I find myself struck with a deep focus that lets me complete any task quickly and efficiently without distraction, the way some described adderall to be. Most stimulants do not affect me much, so to find a drug that literally materially improves my functionality is a blessing. The visuals and psychedelic effects are icing on the cake.

5. Etizolam: My major qualm with benzodiazepines (I know its not technically one but judging by effects, it might as well be), is just how heavily they can affect memory for quite a period of time. Etizolam spares me that, being a short lasting experience that is more lucid in my memory than its cousins. The added bonus is that it doesn't leave me in a semi-blackout state for several days like some do (eg. clonazepam). It's useful for sleep, for acute stress and anxiety, for coming off trips, and is honestly pretty fun. I mustn't lose sight of the fact that its apparent relative benevolence is negated if I find myself binging on it recreationally.

6. Ephenidine: Ephenidine is another fairly psychedelic dissociative (see a pattern here?) that has given me my share of interesting experiences. It's a pretty standard experience that stands out for its euhporia, functionality, and deep colorful visuals and hole states. It simply lacks the emotional and cognitive depth of the other two dissociatives on this list so far, but is nonetheless a consistently enjoyable experience.

7. 2C-B-FLY: I only got one taste of this but damn what a good time. This is a drug that I would describe as overwhelmingly fun. The bodyload was a bit rough for parts of it, but no matter, this is a drug that filled me with joviality and unrestrained social capability. My cognitive processes and ability to interact with others was vastly improved, this drug is utilitarian and shows promise for use in social settings. It used to be cheap and readily available but I unfortunately missed my opportunity to acquire more. Oh well.

8. 5-APDB: To be entirely honest, I am not the biggest fan of empathogens. They are undeniably enjoyable, in fact they are the essence of enjoyment. The problem is, that enjoyment is so entirely detached from reality or any sort of pragmatic thought, it is a delusional fantasy that often leaves me feeling a bit silly and foolish in their wake. Also I just get really sappy and talkative and usually make a fool of myself. Nonetheless, I have had great times with this drug. I prefer it to MDMA because it lacks the stimulation and bodyload that MDMA can have sometimes.

9. Deschloroketamine: The first time I tried deschloroketamine I found myself elated, I had found an experience that was very very similar to my sweet golden MXE. There were a few slight differences, ones I considered minor at the time, but they would become glaring with repeated experiments. The main difference is energy level- while MXE is somewhat stimulating, Deschloroketamine destroys you, renders your body weak, impotent, and useless for a long while. While this is no issue while you're in the hole, the comedown is always draining and sluggish. The experience itself is quite enjoyable and euphoric, but the aftereffects are usually pretty rough.

10. DALT: This is a truly unique substsance, though its novelty only gives it a shred of merit. It's fun for casual use, for hanging out with friends, for throwing a relaxing psychedelic blanket on any experience, but it's simply too mild and too short acting to really stand out. It's just a slight taste of what could be a full experience and oftentimes just isn't worth the hassle of smoking it. As it stands, it is mostly just a novelty, but a pretty neat one at that.

11. Memantine: This is another one whose value mostly stems from novelty. It is incredibly long lasting, like multiple days long lasting. It's a marathon experience. While interesting, I'm not sure what merit to grant it, as it is one of the most fundamentally neutral things I have ever felt. It's intensely dissociating and oddly cold and clinical. I'm certain that I would not call it enjoyable or unenjoyable, it just is.

12. 4-HO-DPT: I had such high hopes for this one after what I had read online. This was my holy grail, and when it became available from a major vendor, I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, it turned out not to be up to the hype. Don't get me wrong, it is an interesting and enlightening experience that certainly glows in certain areas, namely psychedelic whimsy and enhanced cognition. But damn the bodyload is something hardcore, and administering it is by far the worst drug administration experience I've had. The chalky powder stings and clumps up in the nose, it smells putrid and the powder fluffs up all through the sinuses and throat, this is followed by intense nausea and overall discomfort. I really wish I could explore this further, but that's such an obstacle for me.

13. 2C-T-7: Similar to the last, this one yielded an incredibly interesting experience that covered a wide range of effects. It seems like this one gave me everything psychedelics could offer in one experience, and unfortunately that included crippling bodyload that lasted throughout the entire experience. Interesting, but once again, there are just major obstacles to me studying it further. The questionable safety profile is also a bit of an issue.

14. 2C-D: This is about as standard as a 2C-x experience could be, as if they were all averaged out into one. This unfortunately also included a rough bodyload, though nowhere near as intense and crippling as others. Overall, it was just short lasting and kind of uninteresting, there is nothing it does that other psychedelics don't do better. The one interesting tidbit was a sort of cognitive enhancement afterglow that lasted well into the next day, which was pretty delightful. It can apparently be used at low doses as a nootropic. I barely had any to play with though.

15. ALD-52: This is another one that held a lot of promise, but ended up being underwhelming in several ways. The main issues were once again, bodyload and just not particularly standing out as an experience in any way that would redeem it from that. It was certainly fun and my time on it was enjoyable, but it didn't stick out in any way that made me yearn to try it again. Suffering the discomfort it made me feel out in the woods wasn't too fun either.

16. ETH-LAD: Same as the last, I've heard most lysergamides are pretty similar and this was only subtly different from ALD-52. It too was rough on the body, and it too wasn't too interesting, although it's visuals were pretty unique. The big issue was that it really stymied social interaction, making everything awkward and really displaying quite the opposite effect to others like 2C-B-FLY. If I ever try this again it'll probably just be alone.

17. 2C-E: Opinion on 2C-E is torn. Shulgin spoke volumes of praise, while others recount their nightmarish and deeply uncomfortable experiences from it. I am apparently of the latter camp. It seems pretty dependent on the individual and consistent for that individual. The bodyload was the major offputting feature of this drug, as it just absolutely ravaged me and left me feeling deeply ill throughout and after the experience. That aside, it was interesting and had some pretty neat and enjoyable features, but in the end it was just too rough on me. I have entertained perhaps trying this one again just because it is so highly praised by some.

18. 5-MeO-DALT: This was just an uncomfortable experience from every angle. Bodyload was uniquely terrible, with nausea and really frequent urination. The experience was just odd, unsettling, and disquieting. The worst part of it though was that it seemed to instill an absolute inability to focus. My thoughts were racing faster than I could possibly maintain and it made for a deeply unsettling night of pacing and stressful discomfort.

19. O-PCE: I have taken this one a good bunch of times, I do not know why. Every time I regret it. This is pure dissociation, pure, debilitating dissociation that just completely wipes me every time, annihilating my functionality and dismantling my ability to do anything. It is long lasting and just completely unrelenting, it holds my head under the water and doesn't let me take a single breath for its entire 3-4 hour peak. There is no focusing or snapping out of it, once you are subjected to this drug you are completely under its control for as long as it desires. If any drug could make me fuck up my life accidentally, it would be this one.

20. Glaucine: And now we reach the bottom of the barrel. This is my absolute least favorite drug, it is responsible for the most irredeemably awful drug experience I have had. Even my out of control nightmare psychedelic experiences have some value to them, this was just a waste of my time and mental energy. This was just a hallucinated depressive episode, where I found myself writhing with discomfort just begging for it to end. It's a nonstandard hallucinogen that doesn't really match the receptor activity of any others, and my god it just sucked all the way through. The bodyload was rough, the mental load was rough, even coming off of it didn't feel entirely good. Just a stressful and entirely unenjoyable substance.

So that's it, that's my list for this year. I excluded a few that were too minor in their effects to really be placed with these other substances. Also, I excluded a few that are certainly powerful substances, but I simply have only had minor experiences so far that are not worth writing. These ones all warrant further exploration at higher doses.
-5-MeO-DMT
-AMT
-2C-iP


Happy new year to you all. Thanks for reading.

Memantine

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 150 mg oral

Setting: My apartment

T0:00-Fifteen 10 mg memantine pills ingested. A quick shower was taken.

T0:30-First notes arise, a very slight feeling of dissociation and dizziness melding with a sense of joviality and euphoria. I feel giggly and excited, perhaps from the slight nibble of feeling I have contracted, or perhaps from some deeper chemical enhancement.

 T0:40-The dissociation now manifests as cold, clinical, and clean. It’s a very pure detachment, with numbness in my extremities and a sense of distance relative to my surroundings, both on a physical and cognitive level. The comeup has been very gradual, like I am slowly sinking into a sterile icy pool.

T1:00-Visuals begin to appear. They come in the form of an all-consuming array of spots and dots overlaid on every surface I gaze upon, little concentric circles of rainbow colors. Otherwise, the experience is fairly lucid and stimulating so far, in contrast to some other dissociatives that rush in like a paralytic flash flood. The progressive numbing of my extremities seems to be creeping towards its apex while my sense of proprioception collapses and dissolves. It feels as though my consciousness is in a balloon that is slowly rising from my body as it expands, lifted by a vestigial bastion of warmth in my core. Cognitively, a slight touch of deeper emotion, empathogenesis, and euphoria trickles in. It’s not quite to the effect of other drugs like MDMA, but is definitely greater relative to other dissociatives.

T1:30-I am very very dissociated, and the burgeoning experience shows no signs of slowing down or letting up. The dissociation is heavily mental, with a feeling of detachment from language, semiotics, cultural constucts, and other societal essences of humanity. I feel mechanical and icy, like a chilly golem. This difficulty understanding words and sentences is coupled with a faltering short term memory, making conversation difficult. Physically, I am still functional, I can get up and walk and carry things with no issue. Thus, it is in no way a ‘hole’ experience yet. I am slightly nauseous and am rapidly alternating between feeling too warm or too cold. The visuals begin to appear as patterns, still composed of dots, like a pointillist painting. These dots are distributed in orderly and harmonious configurations, seemingly dictated by some underlying mathematical arrangement. Blocky shapes in this meticulous order also begin to appear.

T2:00-I am dissociated to the point where typing is difficult, and closing my eyes leads to a total loss of coordination and sense of bodily presence. If I focus, I can snap out of it briefly and poke my head above the surface, but with my mind at rest, my thoughts begin to wander exponentially into the distance, blurring to sheer static nothing. It feels almost psychedelic in that the visuals have kicked up to the point of uncontrollably interrupting my perceptions. It is very difficult to focus on one thing for long, leaving me in that default state of my mind drifting off into the abyss.  My short term memory has been compromised further, rendering conversation near impossible. The bodily feel that was shifting randomly between hot and cold has finally settled on cold, with a sterile frost shuddering through me.

T2:40-I smoke a joint. I feel like I am floating a few inches above my head, and that there are curtains of red and green cellophane draped around the room, creating blocks of altered color in my vision. Every time my focus breaks and my mind wanders, I am not only drifting into the distance and fading away, but now I am being entombed, sequestered into a little bubble or chamber that provides a sort of tangible separation between myself and the rest of existence. Reading is very difficult, especially due to the fact that the words and letters seem to be hovering an inch off of the screen at random. My body feels like it is folding along angular lines, forming into some sort of prism.

T3:00-Still feeling cold, I retreat to my bedroom to grab a sweater but decide to stay up there for a bit to ride out the raging peak of this trip alone. The orderly visuals adorn every surface, dancing and pulsing in calculated, mechanistic unison. It appears as though everything is lit from below by a purple light with no discernible source, everything appears futuristic, shiny, and weird. My thoughts are disorganized and arbitrary, and they often wither before they can fully develop, leaving me feeling a state of total flat neutrality, my cognitive processes reduced to impotent static. I feel like a cold city skyline at night, seen from a great distance. When I close my eyes I am hit with a ghost image of the room that appears to be composed of a collage of numbers, letters, and other odd symbols. If I lie down with my eyes closed long enough, this dissolves into a great black and purple swath of something or nothing. Eventually this scene becomes occupied by characters, odd blocky humanoid figures composed of dense sections of random numbers, moving jerkily and going about their seemingly normal everyday activities, such as sitting at a laptop, or walking around their plane aimlessly. These beings do not really present in any discernible way- not good, or evil, benevolent, kind, caring, not even indifferent, they simply exist, like I am watching them through a screen, witness to them but entirely separated. I do not care about them, and they do not care about me, and it is alright. I return downstairs to find myself further physically impaired, with my sense of momentum and proprioception heavily compromised. Talking has now become difficult due to being unable to feel my mouth, and thus being unaware of how to properly use it to form phonetic sounds. I am pulsing like a jellyfish and my field of vision is being sliced into blocks that begin to separate from each other and form into 3-d cubes.

T3:20-The open eyed visuals peaked around now, with complex 3-dimensional patterns appearing on surfaces with mottled textures. Most notable were squiggly fractal patterns that resembled bone sutures or ammonitic sutures that begin to very clearly spawn on my ceiling. I found myself with my head lazily thrown back, slack jaw hanging open staring aimlessly at the ceiling. These patterns were not even moving or breathing or shifting, they were simply there, static and bold. Moving my eyes around left tessellated rainbow afterimages of everything, their forms fringed by this same squiggly suture pattern. It feels like everything is covered in spiderwebs and when I move I am disturbing some tentative stringy connection with everything else in the room. That I am anchored in some way to every surface and I feel a slight elastic resistance to every movement, as if the drug is gently but sternly suggesting that I remain still, static, slack and frozen.

T5:30-Continue to hang out and smoke more weed. I mostly just feel stoned at this point.

T8:45-Smoke even more. This time however, it seems like I have really stirred up the dust. I feel like I am suddenly and rapidly being drawn away from myself.

T9:00-Now, 9 hours into the experience, with the help of cannabis, I have entered a sort of a hole. I have curled up on the couch next to my friends and closed my eyes and become entirely separated from the reality they inhabit.

The hole began with a great golden pulsating concentric angular patterns across my eyelids. This soon became wiped aside by a great black abyss, which was soon speckled with explosions and splatters of little white dots, like CRT static or a blizzard. The abyss began to fold up into a network of cylindrical shapes and tubes, still streaked and battered with this onslaught of white particles. These forms then became cut and partitioned, it felt like my mind was being split into sections and separated into its various components. At last this visage shattered to reveal a vast infinite forest of spindly conifer trees, arranged in an eternal field of fractal patterns. I found myself hovering above it, then wandering amongst the trees, the sky above deep and infinitely black, no stars or clouds or anything. The white particles became a raging blizzard, the snow swirling and blowing around me and grating away at my vision. The ground was white with a shallow accumulation of snow. The forest was not scary, or uncomfortable, like everything else this trip it was fundamentally neutral. There was no fear in my heart, no sense of being lost or out of place, simply a sense of being somewhere new. It almost felt magical, and the mystery and majesty of the vastness bathed me in the glory of exploration. Upon opening my eyes and returning to the hole, I found myself immediately back among the forest, not having to navigate the convoluted entry process again. As time progressed I found myself entering a different sort of hole, a more abstract space where I was able to generate clear imagery in my mind, though without constant focus these would soon decay into rainbow concentric ripples and lose their form.

T13:00-Was down enough to go for a walk to a convenience store with my friends. Still felt pretty distant and not entirely stable on my feet, and interacting with the cashier/sharing space with strangers was difficult and awkward.

T14:00-I mostly just feel stoned now, but the visuals are presenting still. It’s the same rainbow suture patterns, now moving and breathing and subtly rippling. I end up falling asleep around now with little trouble.

T24:00-I wake up the next day, still feeling dizzy and out of it. This persists through the entire day, I have difficulty balancing and staying properly on my feet. Smoking brings back a similar feeling of dissociation, though definitely not to the same degree, and lacking in the visual aspect.

T48:00-I am still feeling it the next day. I feel separated from the world, as if I am watching everything on a TV screen. I am a bit off balance still, but find interacting with people smoother and easier.

T52:00-I can finally say I am down about now.

Conclusion: This drug is certainly fascinating. Not entirely enjoyable or fun, except for some tinges of euphoria at the beginning, rather it just felt fundamentally and deeply neutral. It’s essence was elusive and mysterious, it felt as though it was a drug that existed at the fringes of consciousness that simply was not meant to be understood. The cold and wintry essence of infinity that it contained was perhaps a symptom of the cold winter day, but the depths of the experience were certainly isolating and chilly. The afterglow is very very long and left me feeling off-balance for days. 

LSD + 3-MeO-PCP

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 1 tab LSD sublingual, 14 mg 3-MeO-PCP Intranasal

Setting: My apartment

(Notes were not taken during this experience, times are all very approximate)

T0:00- Dose tab of LSD immediately upon returning home from work. This is a batch I had a good bit of that I wanted to test for potency. I wash dishes and do chores around the house as I come up.

T1:30- I have been coming up for quite some time now, the comeup has been slow and slogging, as if the drug has been fighting its way through knee high muck to find a place in my mind. It feels as though a little electric storm has infiltrated my brain, that it is pulsing little sparks and flashes of color throughout my consciousness. It’s sparkling and tingling, and that raw feeling of dry stimulation deep in the marrow of my bones, shaking them dry, sending ripples of stark warmth through my muscles. Chills run up and down my spine and I chew some gum to combat the onslaught of bruxism. I roll a joint that will calm my body, when I hear a knock at the door.

T2:00- A friend has come over. My roommates come out to hang out and we are all sitting around as I continue to go up and up. Talking and laughing feels particularly jovial and it feels like I can feel every muscle fiber in my body as they contract. I light up the joint as we’re all hanging out. The weed smooths the rough and jagged edges and points of the trip, eroding them into a pleasant round cobble and blasting the experience with pulses of color and shimmering jittering dancing light. My roommates want to try some drug tonight, so we devise assigning each side of a die to a drug in my collection and rolling it. We settle on deschloroketamine. I decide not to partake just so I can ride this trip out a little longer and make a judgment on this batch, but we go upstairs and I provide it for them.

 

T2:40- Now that that’s all over with, we go back downstairs. They are immediately struck with the onset, and seem to be having a great time playing videogames and hanging out. I smoke more weed with my other roommate who did not partake, and am content to observe them as they enter an experience that I am quite familiar with. More cannabis feels like adding more heat to the fire, it feels like the trip is burgeoning and glowing and smoldering and I am ecstatic to be privy to this.

T3:20- My friends are all crashing over the peak of their experience and I feel like tasting some dissociation myself. I go upstairs and find that I do not have as much deschloroketamine as I thought. I decide to instead feast myself on 3-MeO-PCP. Weighing out the tiny precise amount is difficult with my shaky hands but I decide on a higher dose than usual and suck it down. I return downstairs.

T3:40-The burn has subsided and at this point I have entirely forgotten that I have taken anything on top of the acid. It first presents as a slight note of physical numbness, of the world appearing blurry, not visually, but as if the symbolic meanings of every object around me have begun to become indistinct.

T4:00-It feels like a great volcano is erupting within me, there is a massive swelling of fire and energy radiating from my core and pounding into my skull, not even pounding and pulsing, but rather a steady constant stream of warmth. I am swarmed with abundant energy, and find myself unable to stand still. Rather I am pacing back and forth around the room, talking up a storm as if I need to expend all of this vitality. I cannot for the life of me sit still, remaining still is entirely inconceivable and even when I try I am still shaking my limbs, fidgeting nervously, eagerly and impatiently awaiting the next opportunity to flex and utilize my desperately burning muscles and mind. And it just keeps getting stronger. It grows exponentially and I soon find myself a bit concerned at how completely adrift I am. Like I was having a fun time swimming in the deep water at the beach but now I find myself being swept out to deeper water by a merciless riptide. I flee up to my room for a bit to try and ride this out. As I enter, I am struck with this odd feeling. Everything seems “hyperreal”, like I am visibly seeing everything with more clarity than I normally do, like I have shattered the blurred veneer of reality and that my nerves and sensory organs are truly in touch with their stimuli, taking the bits of information in with greater capacity than they were before. I feel more deeply in control of my body, able to entirely control the momentum that my limbs exhibit, able to entirely control every little contraction of my muscles down to each individual sarcomere. I feel like superhuman.

I lie in my room and listen to music for a bit, and while being alone is nice and provides me an idea of how strong this trip is, I soon get bored and restless and flee back downstairs. I am jumping around on the furniture now, standing atop the banister of our staircase and touching our ceiling, looming above the rest of the room. I just want to jump and climb, I wish I was in a vast boulder field or out in the woods where I could appropriately expend this energy, but all I can do now is excitedly run around the house. My two friends who ingested the deschloroketamine are couchlocked and helplessly watch me gallivant around the space. I go outside and it feels incredible, I feel like I could flap my wings and fly above the neighborhood like I have in so many dreams, I stick my arms out and loom above the space like a great crucifix, or a spectacular bird spreading its wings over a precipice, I feel majestic and powerful, beautiful and mighty, and manic beyond measure.

T4:20- I return inside to find my friends still splayed out on the couch. The desket has hit them like a freight train. I am still pacing and still manic, with the visual aspect of the acid experience significantly kicked up. Visuals trace their way down the walls and flash and breathe in magenta and teal, yet everything still appears as hyper-real to me. How neat! My reality has been redefined I suppose, to where this strange pulsing rippling world has become the status quo. Soon however, that feeling fades, and is replaced by quite the opposite- as if the world has become blurred, and the overlay on my reality has made everything flat and indistinct. It feels like the world has become lo-fi, that I am viewing it through a cloud of static on a CRT that cannot attain a proper signal. My friends suggest playing around with a guitar for a bit, so I follow them into a room and bring along paper and pen so I can draw pictures.

                My one friend plays guitar, the other is seemingly in no state to do anything but lie back as he is subject to the dissociative maelstrom. I am trying to draw, but I am not patient enough to do anything meticulous. I am furiously scribbling, making pictures that are composed of lines being powerfully thrown against the page, nearly tearing the paper with the pen. My friend plays a few songs, marveling at how he is still able to play guitar and remember the lyrics. I ask him to play a rendition of one song he wrote and he belts it out completely from memory, it’s spectacular to witness and I ask him if I can record it. My recording capabilities consist of my laptop speaker… But we set it up nonetheless, and I am struck with this childish sense of make-believe, where I am pretending that this is some actual recording studio and I am doing actual music stuff, even though once again, it’s my laptop on a chair with the music being recorded in audacity. I had this projection overlaid on the whole activity granting it greater significance than was warranted, but it felt so nice, it felt like such a great use of time. I was entirely euphoric and ecstatic.

T5:00-My friends are beginning to come down and the comedown is very rough on them, tiring out their bodies and subjecting them to nausea and vomiting. I ride out my trip for the next couple of hours playing videogames, smoking weed, and generally just enjoying myself quite a lot.

T6:00-The dissociative feeling from the 3-MeO-PCP has entirely faded now, or rather I do not feel 2 distinct drugs, it feels like the experience, with the help of weed, has blended together into one singular neutral feeling, to the point where I hardly feel altered anymore. I know I’m altered, but this feels like my new baseline, and it feels fantastic. We watch a movie together and I feel like it is being etched into my memory deeper than such an experience normally is. We order a pizza and I am delighted to find I still have quite an appetite.

T9:00-Everyone has gone to bed now and I go upstairs and shower. In the shower I realize how altered I still am, and it’s absolutely fantastic. I feel so incredibly in tune with my body, fully aware of every little movement I make, every shift in my bones and every pull of my tendons. The warm water flowing over my body invigorates me, makes me appreciate the miracle of my working body, of all the muscles and the instant nerve impulses that move them. I come out of the shower radiating warmth and staring at awe at my bare flesh. I relax in my room and smoke more weed while reading about stuff on the computer for a few hours.

T11:00-The trip is mostly over now. I go to sleep. 

4-HO-MiPT + O-PCE

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 30 mg 4-HO-MiPT oral in gel cap, 30 mg O-PCE Intranasal

Setting: My apartment

T0:00-I dose the cap of 4-HO-MiPT first and decide that because it’s a nice day, I’m going to visit a place where immense Datura inoxia grows and harvest some seeds and leaves for the novelty of having them. My friend drives me out there and drops me off.

T0:30-I already feel like I’m coming up. While collecting seeds an elderly man comes up next to me and begins to do the same. I wonder if he knows the same things about this plant that I do. We make conversation, all while I am still coming up. I feel a bit nauseous and uncomfortable, and colors look brighter as we talk. Conversation is slightly awkward and I find myself getting fixated on certain words or phrases he says, though I feel like I did not come across as suspect. As I start walking home, I am feeling very smiley, the sky is rippling and pulsing with rainbows and colors above me and the air is swirling in great rainbow sweeps around me. I am feeling pretty nauseous and uncomfortable, moreso than I usually do from this drug. The walk home is at once both pleasant and anxious, as I want to get home and flop on my bed and provide myself brief alleviation from the nausea and muscular discomfort and sweating.

T1:10-I arrive home. I am still feeling a bit sick and I’m kind of apprehensive about snorting the O-PCE that I laid out for myself before I left. I dawdle around for a bit trying to postpone the action before finally biting the bullet and doing it.

T1:20-I snort the line, it feels like nothing. I am queasy as hell and trying to hold myself together as the 4-HO-MiPT ravages me like a thunderstorm. My innards are being tossed about in the shearing wind and storm surges, my muscles are clenching and it feels like my head is sinking in on itself. I have done higher doses than this with less body load. I wonder what’s up with this.  I smoke a little bit of cannabis to try and ease the nausea.

T1:25-Per usual, the O-PCE wastes no time making itself known. I already feel very gummy, like I am soft and gelatinous, like my solid bones and flesh have suddenly decided to become more amorphous and resilient. The drip is salty and not as unpleasant as many other drugs can be. When I lie down it feels like something is being pulled out of me or pulled out from under me, but I cannot really focus on it or bring it entirely to my attention. It is as if I am helpless to stop this reeling of my existence away. It’s like that trick when someone pulls the table cloth off of a fully set table, and if they do it right, everything remains on the table. Some part of me remains here, but something in my foundation is being stealthily, swiftly, and efficiently removed.

T1:30-The O-PCE pummels me like great nimbus clouds being blown by a gale. I am incredibly dizzy and floppy and dissociated, walking is extremely difficult. It feels like everything around me has become soft wet plants, soggy from torrential rain or soaking in puddles, it feels like the vulnerable softness of fresh leaves, leaves that will dent and scratch and tear. It feels like the soft waxiness of young datura leaves. Those plants I harvested earlier are on my mind, and I am getting visions of their great green leaves and trumpeting flowers. It is at once fresh and stagnant. The bodyload is still incredible, I figured a dissociative would pull me away from the physical discomfort, but to no avail, my entire body has disappeared save for my unfortunate digestive tract, which feels like its festering and rotting, like it is composed of decaying leaves that are crawling with worms and centipedes. And yet, despite the fount of life that typically inhabits decaying material, it still feels so sterile, so chemical, so empty and dead. There are barely any visuals. With my eyes open, the world honestly looks normal, save for some warping and drifting and faint color shifts. The headspace however, is an alien realm of tangled vegetation sinking into an infinite muddy pit, I am altered beyond altered, and though can see and perceive this world clearly, it makes absolutely zero sense to me.

T1:45-My innards are twisting and tangling, they are fighting with eachother and their sinews have become furiously intertwined, flexing and bulging to the point where it seems they might rupture. This is entirely and ravenously unpleasant. Comfort has become a myth. It feels like I am coming to pieces from within, that I am dissolving into the medium around me, my shattered and traumatized guts disintegrating into flocculant. My mind feels like a big block of putty or cheese, my physical brain literally feels like some soft object that I could dent or mold or shape or squeeze. It feels as though the psychedelic fury of the 4-HO-MiPT is fighting with the overwhelming curtain of dissociative gumminess. Imagine a tornado tearing through an ocean of gelatin. A blender full of play doh. A man chest deep in quicksand wildly swinging two swords around. It is furious violence being suppressed by a more subtle oppressive violence, they meet and smother one another, two beasts locked in an eternal struggle, with me bearing the collateral damage. It feels like my thoughts are coagulating like drops of oil on the surface of a gently flowing stream might. They stick together and blend into one another and render each other entirely meaningless. I am disabled, my thoughts do not function, I cannot process anything, I feel like I am short circuiting. The little bits of thought swirl together to form great big foreboding stratus clouds that hang over me and cast me in gloomy shadow.

My mind has been deeply unsettled, and I am not aware of how much space my body takes up. My sense of proprioception has been entirely and mercilessly eliminated, and I find myself unable to do basic tasks of any capacity. I am violently shaking and very very cold, I feel like I am dying, that I have been poisoned and my muscles are wearing themselves out in ritual suicide. It feels like there is a cold wind blowing on me, sapping my heat, and I am unaware of most stimuli around me. I don’t even notice I have music on. I feel like I have been tangled in vines, my body restricted and eliminated in a tangled net of dense vegetation. This entire trip is like dying vines wrapping around great gelatinous storm clouds on a gloomy day, the vines strangling whatever light remains out of the clouds and casting furious gales and twisting, swirling, churning winds onto the hapless ground below.

T2:00- I have become a dying spider, my black spindly twitchy appendages mangling out of the form and cavity of my body, the limbs rasping and writhing on my bed, clutching the sheets for some degree of mercy from this meteor shower of discomfort. This is pure raw discomfort energy, I realize that I should savor this, understand it, let it be scarred into my mind so that when I am sober I can be grateful that I am not feeling it. My body is still shaking like the death throes of a dying insect. My guts are still churning and twisting and polluting my thoughts. And it is only building, only getting stronger.

One of my parents contacts me and I begin to panic. This is probably the worst state possible for me to try and interact with people who are extremely against my drug use. Even texting would be a dead giveaway to my heavily impaired state. I am freaking out, if they decide to call because I did not respond urgently enough, I am screwed, just 100% screwed. There is no way I could talk to them and sound sane or normal. I think of an alibi and when I come upon a satisfactory one, I am washed with waves of relief. But that soon gives way to yet more panic as the experience grows stronger still. I am no longer seeing, the world around me is just blank dead input, pure sensory information without any mental processing or perception or interpretation. I am seeing with the eyes of a corpse.

I realize just how much time I am going to have to spend with this substance, every second is excruciating, every minute feels so long, and I am just going to have to sit here and wait this out. I am just too impaired to engage in any activity other than lying on my bed and writing about. My heart sinks and my body goes cold as I am stabbed with anxiety. I have to just hope that my parents will not try to contact me again for the next 3 or 4 hours. I am sitting in silence, and it sounds like there is rushing steam or hot water somewhere around me. It’s a violent virulent hiss that is like sandpaper on my mind and on my ears, it’s the sound of my thoughts turning to vapor and fleeing as fast as they can from this hideous infected mind. I still feel very sick, and attempt to vomit several times, but to no avail. I am thinking so much about datura and at one point have convinced myself that I accidentally ate some seeds, that I am going to be nonfunctional for several days now, that I am entirely and mercilessly poisoned and that there will be no respite from this. That I am now trapped in a raw unfettered world of bone dry discomfort and stark withering anxiety, and that this is my new normal, the withered paradigm of existence that I have trapped myself in. I watch the clock and it’s distressing how little time has passed.

T3:30-I made it to 5:00 somehow. Time feels like it’s passing so slowly, and the trip hasn’t let up at all. Sometimes when tripping I can focus my mind to perform tasks that are extremely necessary, but that is not the case here, I cannot do anything no matter how hard I try, I am completely disabled. The dissociative hammers at my mind relentlessly, it is a hurricane with no eye, it is a stampede that never ends, it is crushing me to a pulp and ferociously eroding me.

I feel a massive sense of doom, like this trip is final, it’s going to be the one that screws up the trajectory of my life, ruins me in the eyes of my parents, lands me in prison or a psych ward or rehab, who knows. It feels like an infinite chasm of negative possibilities has yawned open beneath my feet. I am pacing, just awaiting my fate in this grim empty room where it feels like even the air has died. I am happy that I have made it a whole hour, that there isn’t too much left. I feel like I need to be distracted, but still lack the capability to perform any task that might distract me. Sometimes I can focus my mind and it seems as though the energy of my thoughts can be harnessed into some tangible form in front of me, but this is just hallucination and it soon disintegrates and falls away to the mad erosion of the storm around me. This trip is green and grey and so miserable. I regret every moment of this, I was having fun just on 4-HO-MiPT, why did I have to throw anything else into the mix? Why did I desire to have novel experiences that could turn out so miserable? Why not just live in comfort and happiness at all times? Drugs are fucking stupid. I am just overwhelmed with shame and regret, I feel like I have wasted a perfectly good day.

The sensory aspects of this trip were oddly enough not very notable at all. The mental distress was extreme, but the visuals appeared simply as everything in higher contrast, with no real hallucinatory effects, or even patterns or colors. Just plain and grey and sterile.

T5:30-I played Yume Nikki for the past few hours, it’s a surreal eerie game that involves a lot of wandering. This actually let me pass the time and was exceedingly pleasant as a way to forget my anxieties. Before I knew it, I felt like I had climbed out of the hole. I had fought my way out and I had thrown myself over the ledge, out of breath, exhausted, worn to the vestiges of my bones. In am empty lot behind my house people are projecting a movie on the wall of a house and the audio is on super loud speakers that sound like they are directly in my room. This would’ve freaked me the fuck out earlier, but now that I have come down a bit I feel a bit of relief, and almost laugh at the absurdity of this situation and how grateful I am for the fact that I can actually perceive and understand that. Whew.

T6:00-I’m going to a show/party to see one of my dearest friends play. I feel fucking awful though. I feel like I am hollow, that my body cavity has been scraped out with an ice cream scoop and I am just an empty vessel that the wind whistles through. I still feel so very nauseous and it feels like I am going to throw up if I move too fast. My limbs are still numb and out of place, feeling like they do when I first wake up. My movements are slow and sluggish, it’s the feeling of recovering from a savage stomach virus. Nonetheless I manage to throw on some clothes and head over.

T6:30-Once I am outside I realize how fucked up I still am. I can hardly walk straight, I must look drunk. Everything around me seems so distant and all I can think about is how sick and broken my body still feels. I still feel like there is some critical error in my ability to process my surroundings, that there is still some bug in the system that has not been worked out.

T7:00-I arrive and am immediately overwhelmed. There are people standing around everywhere, it’s pretty crowded. I know many of these people and trying to greet and interact with them quickly becomes disorienting. I feel like I need to sit down or I’ll faint, I just feel so weak and my body is in shambles.

T8:00-I am down enough to smoke weed without stirring the dust too much and interact with people in a normal manner. In fact I am having a good bit of fun interacting with people now, I seem to have some of my mental capacity restored.

T12:00-I arrive home. I am mostly down now, but there is still that raw eroding dissociative goopiness drying my mind out, and a bit of that warm psychedelic afterglow. This persists until I sleep, but is gone in the morning.

Conclusion: O-PCE will never enter my bloodstream again. In the days that followed I felt an odd sort of tightness/tenderness/soreness in my thyroid that made it uncomfortable to swallow, but it passed.

2C-B-FLY

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 25 mg 2C-B-FLY oral in gel cap

Setting: My apartment, friend’s party

T0:00-Dosed cap on a mostly empty stomach. The setting is wonderful, several friends are over, and all of us are on some sort of psychedelic- 1 person on 4-HO-MiPT, 1 person on 4-AcO-DMT, and 2 people on LSD.

T1:00-Not really feeling anything yet other than some nausea and nervous stimulation in my muscles.

T1:30-Lightly tripping, the trip is coming on like a slow clean burn. My mind is slowly cooking and simmering in dry bright sterile white heat. My mind certainly feels warmer. The glow pulses all over me and crackles my nerve and veins like mudcracks on a dry lakebed under the relentless sun.

T2:00-The fire smolders hotter now, white hot coals sizzling in my skull and drying my nervous system to a state of mummification, pure, sterile, clean and preserved forever. It’s dizzying and dazzling, it’s scorching jovial buzz. It sounds like it might be uncomfortable, but it was entirely pleasant, save for some nausea. I am feeling giggly and it feels like my mental processing power has increased with this influx of heat on my mind. I can understand and respond to things faster and better than before. Still feeling a bit stimmy and unsettled deep within, like the energy of this experience has shifted something out of place. No visuals to speak of yet.

T2:30-Smoke a bowl. This greatly enhances the visual aspect of the experience. The sheer joy of being with friends and people I love who all are also delving into a similar experience is immeasurable. It’s like riding a roller coaster together, just raw shared pleasure. Smoking kicks up the visual aspect substantially. The visuals are still not powerful, but they are present now. They present as warping flowing patterns overlaid over my normal field of vision. They are ripply and concentric, and pulsing and meandering like worms grazing a field. Flat surfaces without texture are smeared with gentle cascades of turquoise and magenta.

T2:40-Interacting with people was easy and gleeful earlier, but I am stricken by a sort of bemused awkwardness, like I am dumbfounded with my inability to properly portray words and emotions. It’s hard to imagine anything will bring me down or make me feel unpleasant, the smoldering ember still glows hot and buzzes with excitement. I feel like I have receded into the depths of an oven, that sounds are now distant, that the waves of heat in the air warp and bend the soundwaves before they can reach my ears. I am certainly peaking now. The visuals have picked up even more. They are not patterns or any organized forms, but rather just random abstract alterations of my visual field, appearing in the forms of swirling textures, tracers, reverberating and vibrating and mirroring and pulsing images. They are not overwhelming or inhibitory in the least, but rather are pleasant decoration for the trip. There are almost no closed eyed visuals, they seem faint and are difficult to focus on or remember.

T3:30-This is just so much fun, I wouldn’t describe it as euphoric, or deep, or empathogenic, just fun, raw fun. The setting is fantastic and that certainly contributes to the feeling. It’s extremely giggly and laughing and joking feels like a divine right. I notice that I have begun to get very sweaty, but it’s not uncomfortable. The visuals are still searing through me, baking my mind and cooking my surroundings into a crisp altered state. It seems like the whole world is being pierced by heat waves, and the waves begin to swirl and mirror and turn into intangible forms that intercept all stimuli.

T5:00-Another friend arrives and pops a cap of 4-AcO-DMT. We’re preparing to go to a party. The visuals have died down substantially at this point, but I still feel pretty warped and altered, and there is still that searing heat in my mind, cooking my thoughts to perfection. I find myself having to urinate quite a lot, and at times it’s quite difficult, a standard symptom of phenethylamines. After hanging out for a bit we decide to go to the party. I feel a bit nervous, as I’m not sure how well one of the people with us will get along with the people at the party, but it’s simply too late to back out now, and although the anxiety is creeping up my throat and choking me, the warm buzz from my head is keeping the lurking fear at bay. I feel confident, I feel like nothing can go wrong, that I can interact with people well and that everything I have to say is worth saying.

T5:30-We arrive at the party and to my delight my social ability is not at all impaired, even after smoking more weed. I find myself comfortable interacting with people, and I honestly find myself unable to shut up. I have so much to say on every subject I can conceive, and I am just talking endlessly about my interests to anyone who will strike up conversation with me. My thoughts are articulate, and I feel socially savvy and capable. A person comes up to talk to me who very apparently knows who I am, though I do not recognize her at all. We talk for a while and I ask her things about her life that end up being totally wrong, because I just don’t know who she is. But even this social slight does not bring me down (and I figure out who it is later and apologize). The trip is entirely cognitive now, it almost feels like a roll, but sharper, cleaner, without all the fuzziness in the memory or the excessive mushiness. I am excited to talk, I am excited to share my thoughts, I feel like I have things to say that are worth saying. We hang out at the party for quite some time.

T8:00-We leave the party and head home. Apparently not everyone had as enjoyable time as I had. I feel sad and selfish that I indulged in myself so much while they were not granted the privilege. I am still talking endlessly and competently about subjects that interest me, about things I have a great deal of knowledge about. Well maybe not a great deal, but enough knowledge to sound like I know what I am talking about. The thoughts flow naturally, it’s not the excessive word vomit that empathogens give me where it feels like I must fill all empty space with vocalizations. Each word feels worthy and well-chosen and well crafted. I feel cool and confident. What a rare and wonderful sensation.

T12:00-After smoking a lot of weed I am mostly down now and just feel high. There is a slight afterglow that hangs around until I fall asleep, it’s just that same dry warmth in my mind, oiling the machine and sending pulses of coherent and cogent thought through my nerves.

Conclusion: Dang this drug is fun, I don’t think I’ve encountered a better party drug. Like I mention in the report, it’s not necessarily deep or empathogenic or anything, its overall quality is that it’s just plain fun. It makes everything funnier, it makes jokes and quips flow out better and develop more articulately. One other thing that stands out was how warm it was, just a sensation of warmth within and without, a dry pulsing rippling heat that is still very pleasant. It’s a warmth that radiates outwards from the core and from the skull, leaving one’s sternum feeling like it’s made of heated metal. It’s also decently long lasting, without too much bodyload. It’s not very visual, and the visuals are just distortions and abstractions, no real patterns or anything to note. Unfortunately, a vendor selling this for a massive discount discontinued selling it literally the day after this trip when I was planning on ordering much more. Whelp.

3-MeO-PCP + Ketamine

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP Intranasal, 90 mg Ketamine Intranasal

Setting: My apartment, Show house

Earlier today I had taken a test for calculus. It was extremely distressing. I had been studying about 5 hours a day every day that week, I sought help from tutors, but it seems my mind is just too dense to allow for calculus. The test was a disaster, I do not think I got a single question correct. I was incredibly depressed, because the consequences of this failure were far reaching. It meant I would have to be in school for longer, that I would be set back even further, that I would potentially have to give up on my hopes and dreams, it meant that I would lose my parent’s love and respect, it meant that I am stupid, it meant that I am too stupid and weak to complete school or do anything with my life that would be to my parent’s satisfaction. In the heat of the moment, I desired nothing more than death, and made my way to the roof of a parking garage. Sitting on the edge over the street, a kind stranger came up and talked to me and pulled me out of the strange dissociating funk I was locked in. My dear friend was playing a show at a house that night so I decided to descend and go to that instead of dying. I had planned on taking dissociatives for that, and I figure now they’ll have the added benefit of dissociating me from my anxieties.

T0:00-Cut all the drugs into one line and suck it up.

T0:05-Already feeling a bit lightheaded and dizzy. While I feel light, it feels like there’s a great heavy impact from every step I take.

T0:10-I’m packed up and ready to head out, I feel like I am a floating head, and beneath that head lies a tangle of limbs that thrash and jolt and twitch slowly, mechanically, methodically to move around the space that this head floats within. Each step I take feels like I am being propelled by some unseen springing wind, and every bend of my joints is an explosion of force in the void. I hobble over to the show house, the fabric of reality gently forming into a sphere around me. Every person I walk by seems so distant, not only physically but the mere fact of their existence seems like a distant and foreign concept. I feel completely alone in a cold world with many strange people walking around in the bare light between the swaths of darkness.

T0:30-I arrive at the house, it’s pretty overwhelming but I am thankfully able to find people I know rather quickly. I anchor to them to avoid having to interact with the world in this state. It feels like I am experiencing everything from under the surface of water. Imagine being at a party, but you are situated in a full bathtub and experiencing everything from a muffled place just beneath the surface, vision is blurred and indistinct and sounds are muddled and dampened. It’s like I am in a box of clear glass, and extra layer that interferes with my interactions with those around me. I light up a joint and smoke it with my friends.

T0:50-My friend plays his set, I am overjoyed to witness it. The sounds are beautiful and come from a pained place that I am all too familiar with, he sings and plays from his heart, about pains I have intimately experienced alongside him. I can close my eyes and sink into my numb body and enter a world of neon flashing ghost images in a deep black abyss. His set ends and I give him a big huge. I suddenly realize a great many old friends are here now, people I have not spoken to in quite some time. It’s a joyous reunion and I am very happy to be seeing these people. In my excitement I try to converse with all of them while still dissociated to the point where it feels like I am being blasted in the face by a numbing gale, a gale that disables my lips and facial expressions and thoughts. I am forgetting my words halfway through a sentence but I don’t care, in manic fits of the mind I just conjure up new ones and confidently throw them outwards, hoping they come out coherently but also not really caring whether they do or not. I want to be social, but am slightly inhibited by my mental state. I certainly could have socialized more effectively here, it seems I had the will to socialize but not the ability. The rest of the night is spent in a daze, where I find myself trying to recall things but not really effectively remembering them, stuff like people’s names, etc. I wonder if this experience is wonderful because of the drugs, and how this experience will sit in my memory, whether or not I will remember feeling like I am underwater.

T1:40-I watch another set. By now my mind and body feel like they have descended a bit and I am able to make conversation better. The ketamine is definitely wearing off. I want to talk to everyone, even strangers, which is certainly different for me. I recognize a girl I matched with on tinder who talked to be briefly, the interaction is incredibly awkward but it’s a glancing blow and I don’t dwell on it at all, not like how I would normally handle such a situation. I smoke several more bowls and socialize more, at times feeling like I am just socializing for the sake of socializing, with no real productive interactions occurring.

T4:00-I leave the house and walk home after watching several more people place music. I still feel a bit dissociated, but I am able to navigate and move normally. I smoke some more with my roommate upon returning home and we talk and hang out for a bit. The high feels so cold and clean at this point, like icy sterile surgical instruments have severed my ability to process my sensory input, that all connection between the raw incoming data and my emotional / mental processing and associations have been frozen. And it feels great, at least as an alternative to feeling incredibly depressed and pessimistic.

T8:00-I go to sleep, still feeling a bit dissociated but mostly feeling stoned at this point. 

LSD + 4-HO-MiPT + 2C-B

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

Age: 21

Weight: 125 lbs

Dosage: ~200 ug LSD sublingual, 25 mg 4-HO-MiPT oral in gel cap, 33 mg 2C-B oral in gel cap

Setting: My apartment

T0:00-I dose everything all together after a shower.

T0:20-I feel so chilly and shaky. Putting on layers does not make me comfortable, this is a cold that shudders out from my bones, it’s the temperature dropping before a shivering rainstorm. I am shuddering and shaking and it feels like my bones are rattling in my flesh.

T0:45-I am so nauseous, I just feel poisoned now, the bitterness of these powders that are in my stomach have seeped into every corner of my consciousness, it’s a bitterness that infests all my senses and leaves my mind feeling like dry rot. I was not expecting to feel this bad, perhaps my nutrition has been poor lately. I am shaking uncontrollably and all I can really do is lie on my bed and hope this will all pass. Any movement exacerbates the discomfort. My jaw is clenching into knots and ice cold electricity shoots through my muscles. Insofar, other effects are hardly noticeable. Slight visual distortion pulses the walls. Faint colored patterns begin to swirl but I pay them no heed. My mental state is entirely and passionately focused on the condition of my body right now.

T1:20-I feel like I have broken over the edge. I’ve had it in my mind this whole time, this will be fun, this will be a blast, all I need to do is make it over this hellish twitchy disquieting hump. At last, it feels like I have splashed facefirst into a pool while on fire, the relief is tangible and the world swirls around me as the discomfort dissipates. I am on three different psychedelics, but I honestly cannot tell that there are different substances coursing through my veins. It’s not like one drug is overpowering the others, but that they have all coalesced into one entirely unique experience, a singular drug rather than a combination of them. They have matched each other in power perfectly and synchronized into a dazzling experience of its own. The visuals do not remind me of any of the substance, they are frenetic and rippling with raw energy, incredibly intricate and jagged, twitching like green mechanical worms over every surface. My vision is dominated by a grand patterned starburst, the root of some psychedelic plant with intricate foliated visuals branching out from it. Closing my eyes drags me into a world of my body vibrating away into toothed waves, the waves spilling out into the space around me and swirling and twisting and tangling into infinite chaos and absurdity. Music is absolutely fantastic, every detail of the sound makes itself apparent to me and lays out before me for my aesthetic appreciation. I was enjoying lying around listening to music so much that I stopped taking notes or recording timestamps.

I notice mostly that I am not tripping as hard as I would’ve liked. My goal in this instance was to give myself a powerful trip on my three favorite substances from the three main families of psychedelic. I had made the observation that by some force of the cosmos, I always have the most intense trips when I don’t intend to, or when tripping that hard is inconvenient. Those trips are always inevitably quite stressful as they seriously inhibit whatever else I intended to do during that experience. I figured I would give myself some free time and try to plunge into the depths while actually prepared for it, but to no avail. Perhaps It was all just warped perceptions, that I perceive myself as tripping harder when I expect different and vice versa. That I’m objectively tripping just the same as my “hard” experiences, but it lacks the element of being overwhelming or out of my control.

T2:00-I begin to wonder how I can make this experience productive, as I realize that without sinking into the depths I feel like I am just wasting my time. I wonder how I can channel this psychedelic energy into some other activity. I smoke a bowl of cannabis to boost me a little bit and then decide to try and dissect why I have been such a poor student as of late. The hyperanalytical aspect of 4-HO-MiPT rears its head from the maelstrom and I find myself researching the definition of laziness. I soon realize that attempting to read or learn while in this state is just incredibly difficult. When I look at words, I realize that I can only read the single word I am focusing on, all the other words surrounding that one appear as incomprehensible illegible glyphs of some language I do not know. It’s difficult for me to glean any meaning from sentences as I must process them one word at a time, and then go back and cross reference each word with each other to see what they all mean in combination. I am reading the Wikipedia article on laziness at a rate of about 1 sentence per 2 minutes, and even then I have to piece together the meaning of the sentences. After quite some time I finally manage to piece together what laziness means, and how it is perceived. It’s from here that I can deconstruct the concept, apply it to my life, bring my lazy ass to amount to something and do well in school. Except I don’t, I just can’t for the life of me figure out why I am so lazy. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to solve it. This combination lends itself to powerful and clear introspection that cuts through my thoughts like a crystal knife, but this is one mystery that it cannot crack.

T3:00-I end up just reading a bunch of junk on Wikipedia for the next few hours. To alleviate my guilt I attempt homework. It falls through entirely, I completely fail at the task and cannot comprehend calculus at all. I end up feeling really stressed for about an hour, stressed about my inadequacies, stressed about my laziness, stressed about what my life is destined for with all these deep character flaws. The psychedelic torrent is merciful for not letting this swirl out of control into a deep depressive episode. Rather, I am able to rationally and clear headedly approach these issues and address them in such a way that I can merely dismiss them. Not a solution, but it kept my mind safe. I am occasionally able to at least sink back and greet the storm of visuals with a smile, sink into the pleasant sensory effects and the euphoric jolts on my brain, let the trip take me into its gentle hands and rock me back and forth and reassure me that no time is wasted, that every moment that I am experiencing the world of my own accord is a moment well spent.

T5:00-I go downstairs and hang out with my roommate and smoke more and play videogames. This is something we do together fairly often, although this particular experience sticks out in my memory. Each game we played, everything I witness, seems to be better etched into my memory than previously. It’s like the memories are a detailed relief, each feature of it carved with incredible depth and noticeable contrast, as opposed to the usual flat blur they occupy in my mind. Conversation and socialization are a bit awkward, although the hyper-analytical aspect of the experience makes for an interesting evening doing something that is usually pretty routine. This continued for the next few hours. Nothing else to note really.

T12:00-Go to sleep.

DALT (Combinations)

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

In a previous post I noted the effects of DALT when taken alone. Where it really shines is in combinations however. The first time I ever took it was in combination, and that is what led me to pursue interest in this obscure chemical.  This is a series of reports of DALT in combination with other substances. Some are excerpts from reports I've already written.

DALT + 2C-I

Dose: 50 mg (+15 mg 2C-I @T-6:00)

ROA: Smoked

Setting: My backyard

Preface: I impulsively dosed 15 mg of 2C-I earlier that night. It was a pretty standard trip, I spent it at a friend’s house. I eventually went home and decided to test the interaction with DALT. At this point I was about 6 hours into the experience and I was on the comedown. The visuals had mostly died down, although some swirling patterns crept into the darkness at the corners of my vision. I relaxed in a bathtub in my backyard and packed the DALT between two layers of Cannabis.

T0:00-Light the bowl. Inundated by the familiar bittersweet flavor.

T0:06-Struck by the first notes of the experience. The relaxation I feel is immense and tangible, it’s like a great warm rain pouring down on me. The residual stimminess of the 2C-I gives way to the great warm flood of DALT, washing away the tension and extra energy in my nerves and in my veins. It feels like the sky is zooming in on me, like the vast intricate jigsaw puzzle of the night sky has become this proverbial psychedelic blanket that is draping over me now.

T0:14-The visuals have picked up quite a bit, they are vast airy patterns that are folding and transforming and dancing in the distant reaches of my vision. DALT on its own is certainly not visual, but when combined with psychedelics it truly has a unique way of bringing their visual aspect back. This is also likely from the cannabis that was consumed concurrently. The visuals do not entirely resemble the 2C-I visuals however, they seem blunted, softened, rounded, rendered more blocky and less intricate, though more organic in their flow and behavior. No auditory effects are noted other than things sounded a bit blurry and lo fi. I am lying in this bathtub and sinking into it, it feels like I am really taking a warm bath and gently sinking below the surface.

T0:20-Music is fantastic and I can so pleasantly and easily sink into it. Imagine being in the shallows of a warm tropical sea, the moonlight illuminating the ripples of sand the silhouettes of palm trees in the distance, and then imagine diving into the warm water, like the embrace of bathwater, and lying on the bottom, no sound except for the gentle creeping of the waves above, no feeling except the gentle flow of the water as it ambles around your form. Then introduce music into the equation, cutting through the water like a crystal katana, shimmering into your ears like a cascade of dancing crystals. The soundwaves vibrate the water around you and each pulse of bass, each slithering melody cradles you and ripples the sand beneath you. This is what it felt like. I know I can get up and move and be functional, but I choose not to, this is so comfortable and I want to sink into it as intensely and as best I can.

T0:40-I finally decide to get up and go back inside. It was a pleasant experience, I’m mostly down now, although there are definitely residual visuals that were stronger than when I started.

DALT + LSD

Dose: 90 mg (+200 ug LSD @T-4:00)

ROA: Smoked

Setting: All around my apartment

Preface: We were hosting a party at my house today. But it wasn’t until night. I decided to take some very good acid and see the new star wars movie in a theater with my friend who was also tripping. Afterwards, we got to my house, and remembering my most recent experiment with DALT, decide now is prime time to try it again. I packed 90 mg into a small bowl of Cannabis and let loose. I am more or less at just off the peak of the trip.

T0:00-I’m in my basement, people are already upstairs hanging out before the party. I decide to hang out here by myself to spare them the burnt rc smell. The ratio of DALT to cannabis in the bowl is leaned heavily towards the DALT, and after a few hits it consolidates into one solid chunk. I hit the hot acrid smoke for a while, it feels like it’s slithering down my throat like a centipede.

T0:15-I’ve finished smoking the bowl and I am already feeling like I have dropped off the edge. It feels as though the room has become spherical and is shrinking around me. The patterns of the visuals bulge like a fisheye lens or some sort of dome. My body feels heavy and faded, as if it’s turning to static. I decide to go up to my bedroom, it feels like I’m floating the whole way there like a disembodied head and shoulders.

T0:20-I’m in my bedroom and I am properly tripping balls. I am a bit anxious, I feel as though I am tripping way too hard to host a party at my house. The bodily dissociation is heavy and it all feeds into this headspace of mental dissociation from reality, of dissociation from causality and the flow of time, of dissociation from my physical surroundings and other human presences. Despite the anxiety, my fading body is overwhelmed with a physical flood of calm, at odds with my racing thoughts. The visuals have kicked up, but they do not resemble the intricate patterning of LSD. Instead, they are blocky and resemble a dome with a grid on it, like the inside of the dome of the pantheon. This grid is flashing with cool colors and reeling around me, sucking me into its splendor and dizzying my mind. People begin to arrive and all I can do is just lie back and stare at the ceiling, unable to engage or interact meaningfully.

T0:50-I’m so dizzy and out of it still. I manage to go downstairs and interact with people, although I really cannot do much but talk about how hard I’m tripping. My roommate plays some stuff on his guitar and I curl up with my eyes closed and sink into an exquisite world of CEV’s, flowing blocky shapes that stream past me and reverberate into infinity. It’s like speeding down a gridded tunnel, while my body is sedated and couchlocked and immobile. My short term memory has been rendered impotent. Attempts to converse with people fall apart as I forget what we are talking about midway through the conversation. Not ideal for socializing.

T1:50-I smoke a lot of weed throughout the party, and it just rockets me further and further away. I find myself curled up on the floor wishing these drugs would release their iron grip on my mind. It feels like a great iridescent steely hand is stretching my mind away like bubblegum, geometric forms and fractals spilling from it. I definitely don’t feel like I am stoned + tripping, but rather that the trip has been amplified far beyond what it should be at this point in time. It doesn’t just feel like I am enhancing the LSD, but rather I am being bombarded with the convalescence of all of the drugs at once.

T3:30-It has calmed down by now, I am functional and able to be social, and cannabis no longer smacks me in the face like it was earlier. All of the psychedelics seemed to have released their hold on me.

DALT + Ketamine

Dose: 50 mg (+ 170 mg Ketamine @T-2:00 & 120 mg Ketamine @T-0:30)

ROA: Smoked

Setting: My bedroom

Preface: My friends and roommates and I decided to just have a ketamine party night. I started off the night with 170 mg, and then topped it off bit later with 120 mg. In my ketamine fog I somehow remembered that I wanted to test DALT with a dissociative, and what dissociative is more pure and neutral than ketamine? I went upstairs with a friend away from other people, and somehow managed to grind up some weed and pack a bowl with the DALT sprinkled on top. It’s a miracle I didn’t spill it everywhere. I also don’t know how I ever managed to gently light the bowl, but I made do. I shared this bowl with my friend.

T0:00-Taste the smoke. I can certainly taste its flavor, but the dissociation prevents me from detecting any of its unpleasant acridity.

T0:08-That pleasant and familiar relaxation washes over me. The ketamine makes me feel like I am liquid, that my body is a slick of oil bobbing on the surface of a gentle lake, and the DALT becomes a ripple that slowly takes the unctuous slick to pieces, gently and calmly dissolves my sense of self into the space around me.

T0:15-The visual aspect has kicked in. Ketamine gives me some light patterned visuals but now they are out full force, transparent patterns overlaid on every surface, warping them, bulging and distorting everything. The room suddenly feels very very small, it’s as if I have grown in size, or it has closed in around me, but it’s a very comfortable and cozy feeling. The room also appears to be spherical.

T0:20-I sit back on my bed and listen to music, my friend is on the floor. I close my eyes and my body fades away, and I am brought into a great dark world of streaming and rushing cubes and prisms, all of them gently lit from a distance by an eerie turquoise light. The shapes dance and move with the music, and it feels as though my body is being spun and twisted around in all sorts of absurd ways, but once again, it’s quite relaxing and not distressing in the least. Almost like a strange cosmic massage.

T0:30-It seems to already be wearing off. I go back downstairs still feeling floaty and fuzzy, with a vital warmth smoldering deep inside of me.

DALT + 3-MeO-PCP + 2C-B + LSD

(Excerpt from this report)

Dose: 80 mg + (200 ug LSD @ T-7:00, 35 mg 2C-B @ T-6:00, 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP @ T-4:00 & T-1:35)

ROA: Smoked

Setting: My bedroom

T7:00 (T0:00)-The smoke tastes like sweet DMT, it is a very subtle but manageable acrid, it tastes sort of like pumpkins but it is wholly a unique odor. Each hit I take feels like I am being pulled further and further out from reality, into a grand fractal globe of repeating concentric patterns. Like a great cosmic tongue, reaching out to taste me, and my essence swirling away from me to meet it. At last it savors my flavor, and draws me into its maw. I am truly gone.

T7:20 (T0:20)-I close my eyes and it feel my body fade to nothing. I feel it melt into my sheets, become a part of the great fractallized diamond everything around me. I am so distant from myself, I feel the love of some motherly feminine essence envelop me. It feels like an embrace from the fluffy legs of a moth, it feels like being enshrouded in its dusty wings. A great green glow permeates this realm and cascades around me. I do not feel like I am contacting an entity, merely touching with and embracing a personification of some inherent essence of the universe or of my internal self. I feel this great motherly presence descend from the sky and enshroud me in great smoky fingers. It feels like the hand of god, it feels like divine protection and the fire of life and the burning back of forests of death. A great glowing pastel crystal fractal flower blooms above me and blossoms into infinity. Death is something to think about here. My heart is racing, what would happen if I were to die? My existence, everything became a great intricate skull, one that seemed to be woven from a billion waxy fibers, it was like a cattle skull, flashing in deep green and crimson, it was the idea of death, encapsulating all the fears and notions the living hold towards it. It was a great desert that was blossoming with life, it was an oasis of existence. Everything felt so natural and perfectly in place, and so beautiful. I felt cleansed and healed, the energy was pastel pink, green, turquoise and blue. I felt the same strike of life force I’ve gotten from other trips, especially mixing psychedelics and dissociatives. This essence,  this non-entity that I mentioned before is wrapping me in its dusky wings and singing soothing songs that cascade onto my brain.

DALT + 3-MeO-PCP + 4-AcO-DET + Ketamine

(Excerpt from this report)

Dose:50 mg + (10 mg 3-MeO-PCP @ T-4:00, 20 mg 4-AcO-DET @T-2:30, 150 mg of Ketamine @T+1:20)

ROA: Smoked
Setting: My Bedroom

T4:00 (T0:00)-I pop downstairs briefly to ask whether I should administer ketamine. I feel anxiety about tripping so hard when there are so many people in my house. I figure at least informing them of the drugs I am about to use will lessen some of the burden. I am still apprehensive though. I go up to my room and smoke a bowl of DALT. I feel like I am being unraveled into ribbons, polychrome and intertwining. I am razor sharp, I am an arrow piercing through the turbulence that has become my reality, flowers blossoming in my path. There is no doubt in my mind now. I must go deeper. I am ready.

T4:30 (T0:30)-Somehow in this state I manage to crush some ketamine and cut it into a line. The onset feels immediate, it’s like my mind is a snowglobe and I just shook it up. I feel like I am floating in water, my entire room has been flooded. Time kinda stops being a thing after this. I remember lying on my bed, and having it feel like there is warmth rising up from beneath me, I feel like I have become gaseous and this warmth is carrying my form upwards. It feels like steam. Psychedelic visuals begin to kick into next gear, with my entire field of vision warping, melting, and bubbling. Glowing tracers and rippling auras begin to form all around me, obscuring my existence in a beautiful but chaotic morass. I have notes from this but honestly they are completely incoherent.

To the best of my memory, it gradually felt like I had undergone a total paradigm shift. I kept falling into trances. Every time I fell into a trance, it was like an entire new world was being generated around me, a world with its own set of physical laws and properties. Within each world that formed, I found myself to inherently carry the knowledge of its properties and history. I knew exactly where I was, exactly what I was doing there, and exactly how everything there worked. But in each world I was stricken by a longing to return home, I felt like I was out and about but shirking some responsibility, a responsibility to keep track of my body back in this world. It was as though my body was a toddler, prone to wandering into danger, and each time I travelled into a world I was leaving it unattended, potentially in harms way. So each journey I made left me with a distinct feeling of anxiety and irresponsibility. I was tripping right fucking hard. My eyes would drift shut as of their own volition, catapulting me into a trance and a new world. If I could remind myself of how my body worked, I could open my eyes and briefly pull myself out to check on my body and make sure it was in working order. But I would soon accidentally drift off into another realm again.

One recurring theme was predestination and predetermination. Across all of these realms was this foreboding sense of omniscience, of experiencing the entirety of time at once. Visually, it at one point manifested as an infinite grid, each block a vectored point in time and space, all the possibilities of existence laid out before me, and an indescribable sentience dictating my path through this grid. Freaky stuff. This sense of predetermination was very ominous, it felt as if some disaster was lined up for me, and I was blindly careening towards it. The other ominous feeling was that I was hacking into the fabric of reality, and that something did not want me doing that. It felt as though I was going to stumble upon an infinite darkness that would shatter my mind permanently, that this was forbidden knowledge that I was touching upon.

Otherwise, I recall seeing a lot of fractalizing shapes and repeated sequences of forms, each one gradually shrinking in size and tapering into infinity. Great segmented forms loomed over me. In one I remember floating in a shallow sea, this immense segmented pink sentient tower looming above me. There was constant worry about what those beneath me were thinking of me and saying. I thought I heard my name. I thought they were talking about me. I was tripping wayyyyyy too hard to be near anyone. I was deeply shaken. At some points I managed to hoist myself up to get a drink from the bathroom. I actually managed to walk and operate a faucet. I almost became trapped in my bathroom as it became a cage of magenta iridescent forms. It felt like the world was a rocking boat, typical of dissociatives. Back in my room I continued to drift in and out of these worlds. At this point I was getting more used to it, and I had the precedent of my body remaning restrained and peaceful. I allowed myself to drift further, felt more content and less anxious. God I wish I could recall these worlds, perhaps I need to trigger this state again to revisit them? My reality had been shattered, and each shard painted a different color. One world in this stage of the trip was simply a vast nothingness pockmarked with an infinite 3 dimensional array of glowing sigils, representing some language I could never comprehend. In another, the ambient sounds around me began to take up synesthetic representations as a fantastic bestiary of sound creatures. Music was incredible in this state, each sound contributing to a diverse jungle or coral reef of blossoming and personified phonics. Eventually I settled down enough that I was no longer accidentally drifting off into different realms. I stepped outside my room. The whole house was dark. I turned to face a wall, and began to tap and dance my fingers across it. They rippled wherever they touched and from each point of contact a glowing reticulated pattern bloomed, looking like a tangled circuitboard, or the veins of an insects wings. I was able to pretty coherently talk to my friend who was sitting on the stairs. Floral patterns still adorned the darkness all around me. They didn’t want to watch the movie so we went back to my room. Eventually the other friends followed.

Conclusion: DALT on its own can be sprinkled onto a bowl to give a nice relaxing psychedelic edge to smoking, though its questionable if that’s worth dirtying a bowl with the smell/residue. Where it really shines is in combination with other psychedelics. It grabs them by the hand and elevates the experience to an entirely new place, a relaxing and comfortable and unique places that is very different than just amplifying an experience with weed. Perhaps most valuable though is the immense anxiolytic effect- I have not attempted this while having a stressful trip, but I postulate that it could put a damper on anxious experiences and wash the user in a pleasant bath of relaxation.