Didn't even write this/post this during 2017... Fuucking up tbh..
Things slowed down a bit this year. This is partially because my living situation changed in the past few months to put me in a place where I am unable to experiment like I once did. I have more or less refrained from using hallucinogens in the past 4 months, and what little I've tasted has been familiar chemicals, all for the sake of enhancing certain experiences or social settings, and this has primarily been dissociatives. I remember a year ago vowing to use drugs as a means of augmentation of reality, as a means of introspection. But I am only able to find the time and place to use them to get high. Though it's not the conditions to blame it is myself.
Another predicament is that I have simply run out of substances to try. Some new things have become available on the market quite recently but I honestly have not been able to dedicate the time to obtaining or trying them (4-AcO-DPT, 4-MeO-MiPT, EPT, MPT, 4-HO-MPT, 4-HO-McPT... to name a few). One day maybe, I have interest in some of them. Most of the rest of the novelties in my collection however had been exhausted. All that's left are a few things that I am not entirely eager to try, just based on my research. This is because of undesirable side effects noted in most others' reports/ generally seeming uninteresting.
I am nostalgic for the days when there was so much to explore still, I am nostalgic for when I could spend a day so easily experiencing something entirely novel without leaving my house... I don't know if that feeling will ever come back. I don't adapt to change well, I don't like new things, I like the familiar routine, and for 4 years my routine has been using hallucinogens weekly.
I've met many new people this year and become involved in a lot of activities that have taken up my time but given my life new meaning. It feels difficult to juggle so many things I feel passionate about and at times it feels like some are atrophying due to insufficient attention. I'm fucking up my academic life and my future is deteriorating. Everything is so dizzyingly uncertain and the stable, familiar comfort that I subsist on has become harder and harder to come by. A great opaque void lists before me, threatening to collapse and infect my present existence at all times. I'm not sure what I even want anymore. I just want to go back to when things were full of color and wonder and when I could reliably tap into that for motivation to keep on going.
I don't find myself bothering to remember much anymore.
I think one of the oddest ways my cessation has affected me is that using hallucinogens became my standard method of keeping a sequence of events in my memory. Each experience was like a checkpoint in my memory, from which I could set other events in my memory relative to, and from there form a coherent sequence of the events in my life. This has become exceedingly difficult now and my memory of the past 4 months is nebulous and unbounded, especially with so many monotonous days spent isolated.
oh well.
Here's my ordered assessment of everything new i tasted (and more thorough assessments of some older ones I had only limited experience with).
4-AcO-MiPT
Unseated 4-HO-MiPT, an older of my favorites. A light, gentle, warm, and overall stimulating experience with luscious visuals reminiscent of tropical seas. Voluminous and vibrant, brimming with biotic energy.
Mescaline
A fantastic adornment for a summer day, it dances wonderfully with the light of the sun. Filled with profound euphoria that basks in the beauty of the world around me, and potently stimulating towards learning and cognitive pursuits. Fun and erudite.
Nitrous Oxide
The nangs are the good shit I can't believe I never did this until now this shit is a blast and mixes beautifully with everything in the most absurd ways 10/10 would nang again
DOM
An odd counterpart to mescaline that also seems to let one bask in the glory and pleasure of the world happening around them. This drug was earthy and weighty, yet lofty and surreal. Vitreous and seething with warm energy. Also lasts a nice long time, if you have a whole day to kill. It was languid and profoundly blissful and relaxing in a way quite unlike other psychedelics. Warm breath and an absolute relief.
GHB
It's like being drunk and rolling on MDMA without the bad parts of either of those drugs. It's a great deal of fun, though can be dangerous...
4-HO-EPT
A drug that begs for further exploration. My first attempt with it derailed, but it obviously had quite a lot to teach me. My limited experience with it has been fascinating and has potently unlocked esoteric reaches of the mind.
AL-LAD
A deeply nostalgic psychedelic that imparts a childlike playfullness and an impish mania. Fun all around, though it doesn't stand out too much.
4-HO-DET
A psychedelic I would describe as quite basic and standard, short and lighthearted without too much deeper introspection. Just psychedelic icing, but without the frenetic whimsy of 2C-B. Somewhat boring.
MET
Weird and okay, I have yet to break through to a truly profound experience but it's still quite fun. A little psychedelic high that can be smoked, stronger and more colorful than DALT but still mild until I up the dose and find an efficient way too consume it.
6-APB
I'm not big on empathogens. This one was the same sort of bright fog, glowing gold in the air- It was less stimmy than MDMA but stimmier than 5-APDB. Was generally a gentler experience.
PCP
Kind of boring so far. Needs more experimentation probably.
Escaline
Social and vitreous green, glowing from the inside. It is a warm experience, and wasn't as harsh on the body as was expected, save for some intense nausea on the comeup. This eventually passed, though it was a fairly nondescript drug.
3C-E
Some drugs are psychedelics with a stimulant touch. This one is a stimulant with a psychedelic touch. Fast and jarring, though fairly lucid with light patterns and psychedelic thoughts. Mostly just fast and uncomfortable though.
3-HO-PCE
Pure numbness. Barely affects the body, just completely numbs and inhibits the mind, not like drunkenness though, it's solid gray nullifying impairment of thoughts and emotions, without the delightful bodily sensations that accompany it.
Diethyl Ether
eh taste bad
2C-iP
This shit made me sick for days, it made it feel like my bladder had been stabbed, the urinary symptoms of this were a nightmare. I felt nauseous and faint the whole day after. The drug itself lasts awhile and is mildly interesting, though not nearly enough to justify what felt liike actual damage I was doing to my body. I haven't read anyone else reporting this, but that has been my experience, approach with caution.
I really miss doing this, maybe was in too deep, maybe it's inextricably embedded in me more than I thought, oh well, I lived fine with it. Living without it is different. I don't like change. It's not a sustainable way to be.
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