Hello I'm late to writing this again
Oh well who even reads this anymore? I certainly don't, that's for sure.
So I guess it's become apparent- I don't post much anymore at all. There are several reasons for this, the first being, I really don't have many substances to try and pursue anymore. There just isn't much available on the market anymore that piques my interest. It's been that way for a while, and experiments have just felt tedious, but the work continued. Things like a prolonged period of abstinence, a failure of a large order, and a building monotony of experiences have contributed to a lack of morale to motivate earnest exploration.
This is coupled with just being very busy- with school, with steady work, with cultivating my relationships and social interactions. This has left very little time or mental energy to dedicate towards pursuing psychonautic experiments. This is also coupled with a general sense of pressure and shame- that this is a hobby of being younger, that this is something I should have grown out of and abandoned by now. That is no longer services my life, that I am just a drugged up degenerate, that I am a disappointment. And perhaps this is vindicated with my changing habits.
I have for the most part abandoned psychedelics- There aren't many new ones to try and the continual sense of sloth and shiftlessness during my experiences has led to feeling such a fundamental sense of wasting my time across all of my recent sojourns. I am just bored. I fail to motivate myself to properly stimulate myself through any activity while tripping and have for the most part lost the space to engage in them socially. Each trip feels like a waste of time, a waste of energy, fundamental uselessness. Not to mention the increasingly severe body load. It doesn't feel worth it much anymore.
Dissociatives though... hehehhahahahaha I love them so much. Experimentation doesn't feel worth it anymore, it's just pleasure, it's comfort, it's habit. I have found myself particularly gravitated towards 3-MeO-PCP, 3-MeO-PCE, and 3-HO-PCP, taking them at every opportunity. These experiences are not only pleasurable, but I sometimes find them meaningful and stimulating, despite the fact that they are not particularly novel. they are cleansing my mind, they allow me to introspect and analyze and organize my memories. And it's just fucking fun. I can easily acquire as much of any of them as I want, and I find myself able to do them in so many settings. Truly illumination in my life. I have found their use worryingly habitual, taking the place of my usual routine experimental trips. They are wonderful in social settings, they are wonderful alone, they are nice for walking around and exploring. I would love to further explore new dissociatives as they arise, and focus my efforts there. They are the most utilitarian drugs for me right now, but also probably the most potentially bad. Oh well.
And benzos... BENzOs........ never mind.
It's about comfort, familiarity, pleasure and the occasional meditative session now. The life giving meaning that psychonautics gave me has passed into the night. It's now life giving pleasure and hedonism, a life intertwined with chemical enhancement, with the occasional tired foray into exploration. I am honestly not sure which is worse or better for me, or which will continue to bring more shame and judgment to me. I just know, my life is inextricable from drugs, of any kind, no matter how much I try, and I just have to accept that.
Do I have a drug problem? I don't know. Dependence creeps in on the periphery, on a Trojan Horse of the pleasures and enhancements and comforts the drugs bring. They give me life, they give my life color, they give me a sense of competency and control over my life. Who knows what the future will hold, my life is changing a great deal soon. Maybe I will just give up soon. Expect less content in the future. I don't know who even reads this anymore. It's an exercise in vanity and navel gazing that I can throw at people to make myself look interesting or 'smart' or something. It's tedious and loses its steam and novelty pretty quickly. I no loner feel too dedicated to this. I am so tired.
It always falls from some kinda of healthy experimentation to utilitarian abuse of your hall of famers. Drugs are the life of me, drugs are the death of me.
I'm so tired and I'm sorry.
What do I gain from this anymore.
Whatever, fuckk it, here's my new substances review. From best to worst. It's shorter, I'm slippin. Sorry they're so brief and shitty I'm benzed and lazy.
1. 3-HO-PCP
My go to for a nice colorful and intense hole experience on dissociatives now. Not quite like MXE was, much less euphoric and a little more stressful, but appropriately vivid and exploratory. The sheer intensity takes a bit of getting used to. It's my comfortable distant place.
2. 4-AcO-DPT
This was fun! Not too much powder to snort, and it yields a powerful emotional introspection and stimulates a certain cognitive energy that foments learning and productive cognitive activity. Just a pleasurable psychedelic to immerse myself in.
3. 4-AcO-MPT
This was interesting. My report ended up being the first written for this subtstance. Short, sweet, energetic, and dynamic, with flowery visuals and a sense that the world as acting exactly as it should. Recommended for those who wish to explore something rare or new.
4. DiPT
The sound one, super interesting, but the novelty wears off quick. I really wish I could better understand the neurological underpinnings of this substance's effects.
5. 1P-LSD
Standard psychedelic, yields a nice experience depending on setting but overall not much to say to it.
6. N-Ethylhexedrone
fun fun fun fun fun too much fun too fast be safe
7. 2F-DCK
Sinking deep boring ketamine, ketamine encased in purple resin, ketamine minus the rush.
8. 4-MeO-MiPT
Literally just feels bad
Flubromazepam
Great way to loose a couple days, no furhter comment.
I am a degenerate and maybe I will get my comeuppance. Sorry to those I have hurt. I'm losing my steam and grappling with how much I may have fucked up my life
I'm sorry
