Friday, August 5, 2016


Age: 21
Weight: 125 lbs
Dosage: 200 mg oral in gel cap
Setting: My apartment

T0:00-Dosed. My roommate and one of my closest friends moved out today, I feel sad about his leaving because I am very bad at dealing with change. The decision to take this drug was rash and uncalculated. I had a long gap in my medications because I wasn’t able to get an appointment to get my prescription refilled, so I figured I might as well take advantage of the gap and try this substance.

T1:00-Someone had come over to drop off money that they owed me. We hung out for a bit and smoked. I am beginning to feel the glaucine come on now. I feel a bit odd and dissociated, it is like my frame of reference for the world is shrinking. It’s sedating and calming, I feel very still. It has a distinct sinking sensation, not a direct downwards sinking, but like I myself have become a gravity well and my surroundings are sinking into me from every direction. It’s mostly focused on my head. It feels like my heart is racing, and thus my blood is unnervingly twitching its way down my veins. My muscles however feel gummy and still, stoic and statuesque, it’s an odd contrast and physical dissonance. I start to twitch my extremities, not like uncontrollable shaking but like rhythmic muscle contractions. So far visuals have just manifested as a slight colorful aura around things.

T1:05-The restlessness continues to creep more and more into my body, leaking out of my veins and tainting my muscles with ripples and branches. I start to feel very warm, this is so indescribably odd and a strange sense of foreboding is sitting on my heart like a gargoyle, drooling anxiety onto it and throwing it into a tizzy. Visuals begin to present now as rippling and bubbling abstract patterns on textured surfaces. The world begins to contract like a fisheye lens and the borders of my vision become dark. My limbs feel so heavy, but in practice move effortlessly like they are well oiled and pumped full of extra momentum. All movement becomes just sort of flopping and throwing my limbs around. I feel like in theory there is so much I could do physically right now, but I just don’t want to move my floppy limbs in anticipation of their perceived weight.

T1:10-Start yawning uncontrollably. My eyes water a ton when I yawn so this is kind of uncomfortable. I just feel kind of meh. It feels like some sort of damper has been put on my emotions.

T1:20-Things start to spin out. I begin thinking about all my responsibilities, long term, short term, etc. I begin thinking about uncertain futures. I’ve trained myself to normally be able to pull myself out of these thought loops to some degree, but this feels like a runaway train. I begin to just feel a storm of mounting anxiety, the whirling looping maelstrom long since separated from its source. It has now just become an independent positive feedback loop, just a pure cycle of anxiety about nothing anymore, getting stronger with each pass. I feel a bit of mental calm that tells me in stern words that I just shouldn’t care. I start to feel guilty about not caring.

T1:30-This has really become a tainted experience now. All thoughts are focused on the fact that my mind feels “broken” and that I am thinking “broken” thoughts and I need to focus all of my efforts on fixing this. I go outside to try and relax, give myself a change of environment in my comfortable garden. But these broken thoughts have become shards, and the shards have pointed inwards. What was once a wild storm has now become a focused and tempestuous assault on me, my thoughts, my past, my regrets, hopes, dreams, behavior, and my personality. All have become subject to relentless and unwavering scrutiny from the most cynical and critical eye that has risen out of this storm. This crawling and wretched being has hijacked my mind and shows now desire other than to pull the levers to destruction. I try to wrangle it, I try to remind myself that these are just thoughts, that I can think up other thoughts to overcome them, that the world of thought is an infinite stretch of imagination and I can bend the rules to my will to suit me. This helps me out of sticky situations usually when I’m tripping, I can sort of assign the bad thoughts to some sort of “other” and cast them out/isolate them. But now it feels like the very mechanism of generating thought has been tainted and poisoned. I’m stuck on this ride. The visuals are like broad chevron patterns pulsing and throbbing at the edges of my vision, but I’m not really paying attention to them much anymore.

T1:50-This has really spun out. I’ve just been pacing the house, begging for this feeling to let up. It seems like it is a cursed night. My girlfriend sustained an injury and had to go to the hospital to get stitches. I want to be able to support her and be there for her but I am such a mess myself and I am so scared that I will come off as distant or uncaring. I begin to worry about the duration of this drug- what if I am still in this state of mind the next morning when I have to work? Did I just ruin the sweet gig I had finally gotten? My job consists of positively interacting with strangers and talking to them, there was no way I could do that in this state. Would it be gone by then? Am I permanently going to be like this? I want to sleep and make it go away, but I’m scared of lying down alone with my thoughts waiting for sleep to come. Also I wanted to talk to my girlfriend and make sure she was ok throughout the night. I finally told her I was feeling really depressed (and I was when I had started). I was scared to tell her I was on a substance, I felt like it would invalidate my mental state if I had revealed that it was something I had induced very directly through an action of mine. In retrospect, I know she would never think that of me, she is very lovely and understanding and always makes me and my emotions feel valid. I was just a mess. To make matters worse, a wonderful nausea has set in. I feel like I’m going to throw up, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t. I feel poisoned in my body and mind. My entire field of vision is pulsing and throbbing, my entire existence is pulsing and throbbing like a bird trying to flap its broken wings.

T2:30-I have just been pacing the house and flopping around and moping around. Everything is so sad, everything is changing and I don’t want it to. The visuals have mostly died down along with the physical sense of dissociation. The mental effects are still near unbearable though. I decide to shower and try to get myself to sleep. I still feel so sick and nauseous. In the shower I scratch at my mosquito bites on my legs. This begins to fill me with a bubbling and burgeoning sense of calm. The anxiety, the depression, seem to be subdued, at least for a bit. Glaucine is a dopamine receptor antagonist, and I read somewhere that scratching releases dopamine, so perhaps this is what’s causing this sense of relief in the face of this chemical? This is total pseudoscience and blind postulation, I do not know if this is the case at all. But all I know is that I feel slightly okay now.  I decide I am going to fight this with all my might, with everything at my disposal.

T3:00-I am now out of the shower and toweled off and feel okay. I realize a part of my discomfort was that I turned the air conditioning in the house off and forgot to turn it back on. My condition feels stable now. I eat some ginger candies to subdue the nausea. I take all of my vitamins. I then take my medications in a desperate bid to kill this raging storm. I had a few left. My medication is Bupropion (welbutrin), a NDRI, so I figure it will counter the drug to some degree. I don’t know neuroscience of pharmacology too well.

T3:20-I have showered now. I talked with my roommate who I missed very much, a kind and honest discussion that has me feeling a little better. I talk to my girlfriend a bunch and that has me feeling better too. She is incredibly sweet and understanding. I ate a bit and that’s taken the edge off. I took melatonin with my vitamins and I feel sleepier now.

T4:00-I would say I’m mostly down. I just feel utterly jarred. What a terrible experience. I go to sleep now.

Conclusion: This is by far one of the worst drugs I have taken. Has little to no redeeming factors. Absolutely nothing. I had a bad dream last night that I accidentally took this before I had to do something important. It is just manufactured, synthetic depression. I will never take this again. Reports I have read are mostly neutral or negative. If you make the decision to take this, be very prepared for things to not feel right at all. Most other people describe a sense of sedation and calm. A few others seemed to report heavy anxiety and depression. I was seriously worried that it was going to permanently effect my mental state, but thankfully it concluded peacefully. I still regard it as a valuable experience that taught me the range of experiences that drugs can give me. It was certainly interesting. But I would never repeat.

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