Why, why why why? Why am I doing this? What is to be gained at this point? This is a plea I often make to myself when faced with particularly challenging experiences, the uncomfortable or terrifying or downright painful. It is a prayer I cast into my brain when I am bled upon my bed, muscles clenched, limbs and extremities crooked, fingers clutching at nothing praying for release. The experience recedes, sometimes with a chemical counter-balance, and I find myself raw and burnt-out in its wake, and I ask myself why I did this, why have I subjected myself to this? Drugs are not always fun. For me, they are in fact explicitly not fun in most cases, replete with an arsenal of side effects and negative physical or psychosocial stipulations.
So why am I
doing any of this?
I wrote a post a while ago, at the
ripe young age of 20, to attempt to justify my drug use, in preemptive response
to the “haters” (Those who love me and see my drug use as a form of suffering,
as something to be suppressed and annihilated and stricken from my existence entirely,
or those who have a cautious concern for my lifestyle). Things have changed a
good bit since then- no longer does there feel a need to truly justify this
existence to other people, I can just simply do it independently. I am resolute
in my intentions and my sense of self. This is more a declaration than a
justification. I should not need to convince anyone of anything, this is my
personal reasons for my personal mission.
To alter one’s mind is a right that should not be restricted.
The alteration of the human mind is normal, common, and exists on a spectrum. Altered
states that affect our performance in our roles amongst others arise in so many
ways, and when we must confront them without our consent they are often
considered pathologies. The surprising frequency of hallucinations in the
general populace, the horrendous toll of sleep deprivation and the illogical
puzzlebox of suicidal ideation are all divergences from normalcy that fill us
with alarm, but are a fact of our existence. Alterations of our consciousness
can strike at any time, why should we not be allowed to control them, contain
them, utilize them, send them forth? Further, without our consent, we can find
ourselves in positive states too: stricken with spiritual ecstasy, a
lovedrunkenness that clouds judgement, a state of fundamental bliss triggered
by experiencing immaculate beauty or the transcendence of meditation. And we
accept this. Alteration can come in so many forms in so many ways. Spiritual
practices particularly have for millennia sought transcendence of the confines
of our mind. Chemically induced alterations certainly stand far and above as
the most acute and extreme end of the spectrum, but they should be seen
holistically within the entirety of what a person can do to their mind.
The prevailing perceptions of substance use do not correspond
to any objective reality, but are tangled through millennia of shifting
cultural mores, like layers of sediment fractured by the creeping of the earth.
For our world to have a healthy relationship with mind-altering substances, for
our world to approach them in a just and productive manner, for our world to
address these troublesome chemicals with an objective eye, requires a
fundamental restructuring of everything. Conditioning is an unstoppable force
and the currents of human culture through time, filtered through our blessed
yet ignorant ancestors, make what should be a simple relationship into
something quite complex. Everyone has heard the rant about how the most normalized
drug in our society is one of the most intensely and uniquely incapacitating. A
drug that can kill from overdose, that drives a physical dependence with
potentially lethal withdrawal, one that stokes fires of violence and comorbid
mental illnesses to great social detriment. I don’t intend to make a whipping
boy of our normalized alcohol but it stands as an idol to cast upon us how
absurd and out of touch our perceptions of alteration are. It is absurd and
utopian to ask that people simply step back and view substances for the
individual alteration they provide, as that disregards the tangible material
harm that so many suffer. So much of this suffering is intimately entangled in
the culture of prohibition and disproportionate normalization, but that is a
whole other path to tread. We cannot view drugs through a lens of being wholly
beneficial, as we cannot view them through a lens of being wholly detrimental.
Our world exacerbates the vicious
qualities of so many chemicals, but it would be remiss to ignore the presence
of those qualities in the first place. It is best to approach drugs in a manner
that is both level headed but also acutely aware of how they are currently
caught in the dusty cobwebs of conditioning and prohibition. In a just world,
it would be acknowledged that altering the mind is a human right that carries inherent
risk, but we are of course, nowhere near there yet.
These words bring no relief to those
who struggle under the burden of dependence and the psychological and emotional
trauma that drug use can inflict on users and their loved ones. We should never
forget this and let it stand as a sobering boundary to what is possible.
Second, there are so many ways to
alter one’s mind, there are so many possibilities out there, and it would be a
betrayal of the human spirit to disregard that. Our perceptions of drugs are
ruled by a handful of the available possibilities that have, through natural
occurrence, ease of production, and cultural significance come to dominate the
discourse. These are familiar anchoring compounds for their respective classes,
you have amphetamine, cocaine, methamphetamine as the stand ins for stimulants,
Ketamine and PCP represent the entire dissociative class, as do the classical
psychedelics like LSD, DMT, or Psychedelic mushrooms. Opioids hold morphine as
the standard, though they now dwell in the long shadow cast by heroin, and more
recently, fentanyl. Benzodiazepines are guided by Alprazolam, the rapper’s
delight. These are but a handful of molecules, and a robust body of work has
shown that these compounds are not unique- there is a lot to be said for tweaking
the various qualities of the experience into a unique constellation of effects
from just a few minor modifications to a molecule. With this in mind, the field
before us is near infinite in terms of drug development. Basic structures lend
themselves to a mind boggling array of modifications that yield unique
experiences with unique properties, and a massive amount of basic research must
be done to characterize these possibilities. There could be so many surprises
distributed throughout- revolutionary therapeutics, groundbreaking psychiatric
medications, compounds of immense introspective or perhaps spiritual value, compounds
that are just fun, along with ones that may be heinously addictive,
devastatingly potent with an extremely narrow safety margin, or are otherwise
lackluster and without purpose. But the fact is- we don’t know until we try.
When humans explored their wildernesses, to learn what plants to eat, how to
track which creatures, how to find proper shelter and develop beneficial social
structures, this was fraught with risk and terror and devastating consequences,
as is any exploration. The realm of modulating human consciousness through a
seemingly infinite library of possible compounds is an oft forgotten frontier
for exploration. I believe exploring and developing the infinite variety of
compounds at our disposal, precisely characterizing their effects, and applying
them in a way that sees net benefit for users, is a worthwhile venture into a
broader development of the broader human psyche.
With this
daunting field before me, one in which I do not stand alone but still separate
from the others who gaze upon it, what am I to do?
In the realm
of testing new substances, there are several noble goals- Those who wile away
in labs and poring through obscure papers, blazing the trail of what is
possible with varieties of compounds. Those who aim to develop a utilitarian
framework for which substances may personally benefit their life the best.
Those who want to understand the entirety of the possible experiences at our
disposal and will taste everything possible. Those who stalk the communities
looking for a new way to get high but may possibly return indispensable data.
We simply do not have the culture or resources to dedicate to
a systematic characterization of the vast possibilities of mind altering
substances out there, and the responsibility falls on those driven by the
passion of exploration or self-improvement or otherwise a world adorned with
chemical chandeliers.
This is where I and many others come in, this is where I
state my personal mission statement for my personal brand of exploration, why I
think it may be necessary, why I think this could someday serve our species.
For my own sake, I have found it helps to have a clear
mission in my substance use. I will list out my personal goals and intentions
here.
1. To use substances to serve my life,
whether it be to serve me therapeutically, serve me creatively, and/or enrich
my life with exciting and novel experiences or enhance existing experiences.
This includes pure recreation and use that could possibly be characterized as abuse.
2. To comprehensively explore the wide
variety of substances that exist for the purpose of understanding different
altered states and to determine which can be used to fulfill the above goals
best.
3. To contribute to humanity’s knowledge
on substances, either by firsthand experience or research and data collation
based on those firsthand experiences, and to help further develop and
contribute to the communities based around such knowledge.
4. To determine ways to circumvent drug
prohibition, both for the benefit of those who suffer under the oppression of
the drug war and to demonstrate the intractable incoherency of prohibition
laws.
These are
lofty goals, and any meaningful accomplishment of them is beyond the scope of
one person, especially one such as myself. . Perhaps to address them in this
way is vain, arrogant, hubristic. Nevertheless, they serve as a guidepost for
me to orient myself as I use substance frequently and to not lose sight of what
is possible in the throes of the undeniable pleasure that drugs can provide.
What are the
stipulations of these goals? And what do they mean in practice? I sure love
writing words let’s dive right in 😊
1. To use
substances to serve my life, whether it be to serve me therapeutically, serve
me creatively, and/or enrich my life with exciting and novel experiences or
enhance existing experiences. This includes pure recreation and use that could
possibly be characterized as abuse.
This is the primary goal, and the
one that encompasses the most possible uses for substance. It could be
described as a utilitarian approach- even appreciating altered states for the intrinsic
value of novelty falls under the utility of exploration. It is here where we
must recognize several potential utilities for psychoactive substances. The
first is pure utility- this is things such as using stimulants to stay awake or
focus on tasks (indispensable as I am very prone to dozing off at inappropriate
times), using depressants to help fall asleep, using nootropics to enhance
general cognitive function/wellbeing (I haven’t quite taken the plunge on this
yet), using dissociatives and psychedelics as therapeutics, using cannabis as
an appetite stimulant, using opioids to manage pain, all are possibilities for
sensible non-abusive ways for drugs to be used in my day to day life. Abuse
however, is a fine and indistinct line that I will address further in a bit.
There is one angle of this that is
particularly worth mentioning, and that is the therapeutic and creative
potential of hallucinogens. Both dissociatives and psychedelics have
increasingly shown massive promise in helping to alleviate mental illness in
specific situations. There is still a lot of work to be done but the rate of
new studies on the use of hallucinogens in therapeutic contexts is increasing
exponentially and shows no sign of slowing down, an exciting revolution in the
face of decades of prohibition that held the science back. The NMDAr antagonist
ketamine is indicated as a neurological treatment for depression, while
substances like psychedelics and MDMA are indicated as aids to talk therapy.
There is plenty of anecdotal evidence for people seeing major shifts in their
lives and mental health as a result of particularly intense experiences across
a range of substances. Anecdotally, I have found dissociatives, particularly
3-MeO-PCE and 3-MeO-PCP to be of immense value for introspection, formation of
identity, reflection on mistakes or difficult choices, creativity, and overall
cognitive enhancement and improvement of long term memory, introspection, and
the ability to synthesize and assemble information. Psychedelics, particularly
LSD and a variety of 4-substituted tryptamines have proven extremely useful in
guiding a broader trajectory of life and long-term self development, overall
outlook, and interpretation of reality. It would be a lie to say I would be the
same person without ever trying substances. I would like to think it has
improved who I am as a person, in how I process information and interact with
others and deal with my own poor mental health. Even the challenging
experiences have proven extremely valuable for development.
The creative potential of hallucinogens is also immense- I
make it apparent in much of my visual art that a great deal of inspiration is
drawn from my hallucinogenic experiences. I do not need to delve into the
psychology behind this and waste your time with that, but it boils down to the
exhilaration of stepping beyond the boundaries of what’s immediately before me.
Simple enough I guess.
What of novelty and recreation? For
me, this is a complex interplay- there is a great deal of recreational value in
the fulfillment that comes from novel experiences, the excitement of feeling
something new, even if the experience itself isn’t necessarily pleasant. And
there is also a great deal of recreational value in revisiting the same
mainstays again and again, hammering them into different situations for the
excitement of it. In my mind recreation is defined simply and broadly as an
experience that feels like a worthwhile use of my time, that brings me either
short term enjoyment, long term fulfillment, or both. Recreation is present in
both the cognitive reflection of a drug experience and in the euphoric,
stimulating, disinhibiting, sensory, and otherwise interesting or pleasant
effects of a drug itself. It has often proven difficult to demonstrate to those
not familiar with this hobby that I find value in the former and not just the
latter, as the draw of drugs is often only attributed to the latter. And that
may in fact be the case for many people, and there is nothing wrong with that!
I think it is worth mentioning though that these experiences are not always
fun- and this may sound like the talk of dependence, to be driven to consume
substance despite a lack of any clear reward. But the unpleasantries arise
mostly from novel substances that I choose not to revisit due to the
discomforts. There are certainly many substances, especially psychedelics,
where I choose to weather the negative effects because the returns seem
worthwhile. I would characterize the majority of my psychedelic experiences as
quite uncomfortable in fact, I seem to have become increasingly sensitive to
intense bodyload as time has passed. However, they are completely and utterly
fascinating, and that has me returning again and again, experimenting with
combinations, different substances in new settings, or new substances
altogether. There is so much value in novelty, it is truly its own virtue, and
each new foray into the boundaries of both my familiar consciousness and
familiar altered states feels like a worthwhile endeavor. This is not to
discount pure recreation. The exploratory novelty phase is often a prelude to
the phase of pure recreation, it is exploration to determine that which has
therapeutic or recreational value. Pure recreation is a rush, it is like
meeting an old friend for a smoke and some video games, it is like a date with
a significant other, comfort and familiarity brought to subtly novel boundaries
each time. With substances I have become reliably familiar and intimate with
such as LSD or 3-MeO-PCP or 2C-B or 4-AcO-MiPT, I find myself expanding upon
their effects by dosing them in as many different settings as possible- on an
airplane, at the zoo, at the aquarium, at various parties and musical
performances, on hikes into nature or through the city, in the house I grew up
in (sorry Mom and Dad…), across the country or with a new movie or videogame.
It is a wonderful angle on the virtue of novelty to enhance what is already an
interesting sober experience with substance. It is not that I need drugs to
have fun or enjoy these experiences, it is just that if I have the choice to
enhance them with substance, I will. Comfort and familiarity serve an important
baseline for me too, to fall back into habits of using the same substances in
the same settings and doing similar activities, chasing the nostalgia of what
was once a pleasant and nostalgic experience. As much as I love doing this
(like the gorgeous interplay of 3-MeO-PCP + 2F-DCK and the game Chivalry:
Medieval Warfare), it is admittedly an angle that can lead to habitual behavior
and eventually abuse. It is undeniably a slippery slope.
Which leads to an extremely important aspect of drug use-
drug abuse. Drug abuse is a vaguely defined term but the most agreed upon
definition is using substance in a way or amount that creates recognizable harm
to oneself and others. This encompasses dependence, both psychological and
physical, reckless dosing or combinations, and harmful behaviors and
personality traits that are exacerbated by substances. I should say, as
mentioned in the last sentence, I definitely have and currently do participate
in substance use patterns that could be characterized as abusive. It’s easy to
tell myself I’m in control, I am being as responsible as possible, that it’s
okay when specifically I do it- when I’m using benzos regularly, or mixing
depressants or depressants + stims, or shooting for ‘heroic doses’ of
hallucinogens, or recklessly using street drugs without proper precautions, or
behaving oddly in drug induced manic states, or recklessly throwing myself into
extremely involved settings at irresponsible and difficult to control doses of
drugs. Adverse effects that cycle into patterns of substance abuse are by far
the biggest stumbling block even for those who attempt simple exploration. It
generates a frankly justified attitude of aversion and caution to drugs in much
of the populace, though this can quickly spiral into dangerous ignorance. I am
here to say no one is immune to it, I believe almost everyone has their poison,
and many have fortunately not discovered theirs yet. I am urged to approach
this dilemma with a reframing of what defines abuse, to scrap it together in
some way that absolves me of responsible use. But this is a worthless and even
counterproductive measure- it is good to define when substance use becomes
detrimental to a prosperous life, as can happen with any substance and any
person. It is good to be able to soberly recognize use slipping into abuse. It
is good to draw a distinction between healthy and unhealthy use of substance, a
distinction beyond “the way I do it is healthy no matter what”. To actually
desire a change in patterns of use however, is another major component that
must be considered. All the world’s harm reduction practices are only as useful
as the will of the user to practice them dictates. So what is to be done if
your use is recognizably unhealthy but you feel as though you function as
necessary and are willing to face the consequences of it for the time being
without reducing use? This, I do not have the answer to. Perhaps I will come
back and update this when I come to a steeper crossroads on that matter and am
forced to figure it out. I sure do like getting high.
2. To
comprehensively explore the wide variety of substances that exist for the
purpose of understanding different altered states and to determine which can be
used to fulfill the above goals best.
I more or less covered the bases here in talking about the
virtue of novelty- how it can be rewarding to experience something new just for
the sake of experiencing something new. To expand on this in the utilitarian
sense- I mentioned before how certain drugs serve to benefit and enrich my life
in various ways. How am I to discover which drugs will serve me in that
capacity without even trying them in the first place? As a matter of personal
interest, I am enthralled with the interplay between structure and effects, the
ways in which changing just a few atoms on a molecule can vastly change the
nature of an experience. There is simply no way to understand this quite as
well as experiencing those changes firsthand. Trying as much as possible also
leads into my next point:
3. To contribute to humanity’s
knowledge on substances, either by firsthand experience or research and data
collation based on those firsthand experiences, and to help further develop and
contribute to the communities based around such knowledge.
I do it for the fans! Kinda. One of
the biggest motivations in researching novel psychoactive substances has been
writing about them and sharing that information with likeminded communities.
What is the purpose of obtaining any of this knowledge if I’m not willing to
share it? If I have the ability to consume all these substances without lasting
adverse effects, why not give back to the community that in turn, helped
educate me on many of them in the first place? This also engenders meaningful
discussion and connections within and without the community! I’ve made many
friends who I hold dear just through doing a lot of drugs and writing about
them. I pray that the contributions I make to this community may help someone
in some way in harm reductive terms, or better yet inspire someone to take
things a step further and generate new knowledge in the realm of psychoactive
substance. Granted, very little of what I work on is “new knowledge”. Many of
the novel psychoactive substances and more “classical” substances I’ve tried
are paths that have been well trodden by other researchers. I am simply adding
one more data point to the vast banks of knowledge that exist already.
Combinations are also another fascinating outlet to testing new substances-
there are near infinite permutations in the ways one can mix and match them,
and this provides a whole host of novel experiences in and of itself! So much
to do so little time.
4. To determine ways to circumvent
drug prohibition, both for the benefit of those who suffer under the oppression
of the drug war and to demonstrate the intractable incoherency of prohibition
laws.
I’ve already said my piece on how fucked up and nonsensical
prohibition is in the introduction. I don’t need to repeat my rant, as much as
I love writing words. On a broader scale- do novel psychoactive substances
provide a viable alternative to prohibition? Honestly, not really, except for
very niche and exceptional instances. The demographics of the research chemical
community are quite small and tightly knit, as opposed to the larger and wider
demographics of “street drug” users. In some cases, novel substances can break
out of those tight online circles and become street drugs, either as
adulterants for more popular drugs or by themselves. Recall the bath salts
scare of the early 2010s, where cathinone research chemicals became all the
rage worldwide. Oftentimes, when a drug breaks into the mainstream like that,
it is quickly prohibited by law. Though to be fair, this often follows dire
consequences such as strings of overdose deaths or dangerous behaviors. Thus many
research chemical users do well to keep their substances of choice on a low
profile, walking a careful balance of spreading the good word on exciting new
substances while also avoiding too much scrutiny from various world governments.
If you’re someone with a certain fix, switching from street drugs of choice to
grey area legality analogues can be easier, safer, and more cost effective,
though it requires certain skillsets and knowledge bases to be fun safely and
effectively. This holds true particularly for benzodiazepines, in which a renaissance
of available substances is occurring right now. There is a whole cornucopia to
choose from! I believe this serves to benefit individuals who are trying to circumvent
prohibition, but such an idea simply cannot be applied on a larger scale.
So there it is, now we both know why I do what I do. The last
time I wrote a piece like this was 5 years ago, I figured it was a simple and lasting
declaration, and much of that does still apply. Things have changed since then
though, perceptions expanded, and I would say I have a clearer and more
coherent idea on how I want to approach substances. I am no longer feeling
bound to the the confines of pure hallucinogens, I no longer feel a need to
stick my nose up at “hard drugs” or those who use them, and nobody should be
doing that. Have I incurred negative consequences from my explorations? I seem
to have developed a permanent body load through repeated and frequent use of
psychedelics- while I could once upon a time handle them well it has reached a
point where almost every experience is stricken with digestive distress, excess
stimulation, and physical pain. This got increasingly worse over time before eventually
levelling off, probably after about 2 years of weekly use. I believe this may
be connected to a permanent nausea and digestive issues that developed over time
and has plagued me in my adulthood, though this could also be attributed to poor
diet and certain food intolerances that I haven’t taken the time to investigate.
Specific incidents of vasoconstriction I believe are responsible for a tingling
and pain I will sometimes get in my legs. I believe frequent use of dissociatives
has had some effect on my urinary system, including urinary retention, frequent
urination and er… a weak stream. I have what appears to be a permanent visual
HPPD, presenting as visual snow, flashes of colors, patterning and drifting
textures (especially on mottled surfaces), ripples and heat wave type visuals.
It seems to fluctuate pretty randomly, and flares up when I take
non-hallucinogenic drugs, particularly stimulants and benzodiazepines. Taking
my prescribed doses of buproprion particularly ramped up these effects. I don’t
necessarily consider this a negative as I quite enjoyed it. I also at one point
developed a physical dependence to benzodiazepines. Although the withdrawal I experienced
was extremely mild relative to what others have been through,
This is to say- it is naïve to think drugs are all good, or
that they can supply pure benefits. It’s always a tradeoff and there is always
risk. Ironically they must be approached with as much sobriety and
level-headedness as possible. It is always best to do your research, make
informed decisions, and know the risks when you go in. It is best to
consciously accept those risks if you choose to do that. The war on drugs is
bullshit. Get high, love your life for it, and by god be as responsible as you
can.
