The Year in Review

CW: Suicide, depression

The year is almost over. I did a lot of drugs this year. More than ever before. I met many wonderful and interesting people who shared this hobby and could not have embarked on the explorations I did without their help. For them I am grateful.
At the beginning of the year, I had drifted away from psychedelics, I was no longer having novel or interesting experiences and was the only substance I was using was large doses of LSD. I was generally happy and stable and in what was at the time a very loving and strong relationship. I thought this might finally be the time when I was done with hallucinogens, for indeed my interest was waning. My parents would be so happy. For better or for worse, the relationship ended in February. Cue a mental nosedive, suicide attempts, a stint in a psych ward, new medications, intensive therapy, and dropping out of school. Self preservation became irrelevant and something needed to distract me from the crippling emptiness. An errant order from BCL and several bottles of cough medicine later and I was back in the game. I suppose I am grateful for this event too, for reigniting my passion in psychonautics. I have pursued hallucinogens with a newfound passion, I indulged with reckless abandon the entire summer and fall semester. I have almost doubled my roster of sampled substances and more than doubled my trip reports. Along with experimenting, I have also been studying hallucinogens in earnest, with respect to organic chemistry and pharmacology. I have been doing a great deal of writing on the subject. My Magnum Opus is still in the works.... and it isn't even the 100+ page document where I keep my reports.

 Anyways, here's a full list of everything I've sampled now, and a ranking of the new ones I've tried this year.
Sampled: Cannabis, Methylphenidate, corisoprodol, LSD, Datura, Psilocybin, DXM, 25i-NBOMe, Alprazolam, 2C-I, DMT, 25c-NBOMe, 2C-P, DOB, LSA, MDMA, 2C-B, 25i-NBOH, 4-AcO-DMT, Ketamine, Psilocin, Methamphetamine, Clonazepam, DPT, Cocaine, 4-AcO-MET, 4-HO-MiPT, MXE, MXM, MXP, Allylescaline, Hydroxyzine, 3-MeO-PCP, 5-MeO-MiPT, Mirtazapine, GHB, Modafinil, 4-AcO-DET, Lorazepam, 4-HO-MET, Methallylescaline

And the Rankings:
1. MXE: MXE is the fruit of the gods. MXE is my favorite drug after weed and acid, it is without a doubt my favorite dissociative. It is introspective, colorful, exploratory, euphoric, interesting, and most of all, fun. A proper report on it alone can be expected soon.

2. 4-HO-MiPT: The first time I sampled this it was just ok, but with subsequent tastes it's really grown on me. It's manic and giggly but somewhat sinister. Most of all, the visuals and essence of it remind me of insects and other animals. I love that.

3. DPT: This shit makes me feel so sick. Administering it is hell. But it is spectacular, incredibly deep, and insightful. The most profound psychedelic I've done, in that it is very deep but still manages to be comprehensible. And he afterglow is a mental acuity and euphoria like no other.

4. 2C-B: (I did this years ago but that was super weak or possibly bunk so meh), best all purpose-general use psychedelic. Great for beginners, great if you just want to trip in a specific setting but be mentally safe. Very visual, good for parties. Doesn't have the same glow as tryptamines for me, and is usually kinda rough on my body. There are deeper and more exciting ones, but 2C-B is still great and very adaptable.

5. 3-MeO-PCP: This is just some real fascinating stuff that I still feel like I haven't explored the full potential of. It seems like it might have as diverse and nuanced an effects profile as DXM. Really fun and interesting, but there's lots of potential for abuse/casual use. Not sure if that's good or bad tbh

6. 4-AcO-MET: 4-AcO-MET feels good, it feels better than anything. No psychedelic has given me such euphoria/confidence/empathogenesis. Unforunately, it feels delusional and irrational, it is chemical and shallow and does not come from a deep place of earnesty like DPT. But still a really good-feeling chemical and a good pick-me-up.

7. MXM: MXE lite. I would gladly take this in absence of MXE as it is almost ALMOST identical, but its glaring flaw is its unfortunately short shelf life.

8. Lorazepam: Fun and glowy and had the strange hallucinatory effect of me feeling the presence of people who weren't actually there

9. MXP: Gets a lot of flak because people try to compare it to MXE. Nothing compares to MXE. This stuff is very unique though and provides an interesting and novel dissociative experience. Not the sort that makes me want to do it every week like MXE or 3-MeO-PCP, but is still something worth exploring for the dis enthusiast

10. Allylescaline: Mild and a good way to relax and wear away a day. Don't expect too much from it and it's a nice time.

11. 4-AcO-DET: My only experience so far had a wicked bodyload. But that might not be the chemical's fault. Had  interesting effects and I'd be willing to sample it again with a healthier body. Might end up higher on the list.

12. Clonazepam: I don't remember most of the times I fucked with it, but I vaguely remember having fun and also it stopped me from killing myself so thats a plus I guess

13. 5-MeO-MiPT: Very unique and interesting, but only as a novel experience. Kinda makes me nervous about all the other 5-MeO-tryptamines I want to try. Unlike anything else. I didn't get a lot of the touted affects of this one and the comedown was really painful and bad on my body.

14. 4-HO-MET: I would give this one another chance maybe but my one experience was overwhelming on my body. I felt like watered down mushrooms which is a good thing for me honestly, and I feel like there's a lot of depth to explore with it, if my body will let me

15. Methallylescaline: Same as above. Seems interesting, but my one experienced ravaged me. I would try again though, to see if that's the true nature of the chemical or just a bad experience. Seems like there's a lot of interesting ground to explore, at least for the sake of comparing it to other phens

16. GHB: Just sorta made me dizzy and glowy for a bit

17. Mirtazapine: Supposedly a very very novel and interesting experience, but I didn't get that I only got physical suffering and crushing fatigue

18. Cocaine: Straight up doesn't affect me. Even made me feel more sleepy once. Not worth the money at all for me.

(not including hydroxyzine/modafinil bc they have very subtle effects/are best utilized as mixers)

So there it is, my ranking of every fucking poison I stuck myself with this year

I have a lot on deck, I am excited as hell
expect these reports in the coming year:
Phenethylamine
2C-D
2C-E
2C-C
2C-T-7
Mescaline
DOM
Methylone
DMT
5-MeO-DMT
5-MeO-MiPT (smoked)
DALT
5-MeO-DALT
ETH-LAD
1P-LSD
AL-LAD
Deschloroketamine
MXE (by itself)
Ephenidine
Diphenidine
Salvia

and all variety of wacky combos
I was thinkin a LSD+4-HO-MiPT/4-AcO-MET/4-AcO-DMT+MXE+2C-B trip to really ramp it up
or 3-MeO-PCP+LSD+2C-B
or 4-AcO-DET + Ketamine
or 4-HO-MiPT + Ketamine (they both make me think of bugs)
or 4-AcO-DET + 3-MeO-PCP
or 4-HO-MiPT + Methallylescaline

idk the possibilities are endless
I also want to settle the 4-HO vs 4-AcO debate (for myself at least). I have mushrooms and 4-AcO-DMT and want to compare them side by side (like a week apart) in the same setting.

There is much that I hope will cross my path in the coming year. If you know me irl let me know if you happen upon any of these. Some are pretty damn rare and I would be lucky to ever encounter them in my lifetime but w/e:
2C-T-2
2C-T-21
2C-iP
2C-TFM
2C-EF
Escaline
Mescaline
Proscaline
DOM
DOPR
DOC
DOI
ALEPH-2 (not likely but I can dream :P)
TMA-2
MDA
5-Br-DMT
4-HO-DET
4-HO-DPT
4-AcO-DPT
4-AcO-MiPT
DiPT
4-AcO-DiPT
4-HO-DALT
5-MeO-DALT
5-MeO-MALT
ALD-52
LSZ
Amanita Muscaria
Salvia
Ibogaine
Ephenidine
Diphenidine
Deschloroketamine
PCP
4-MeO-PCP
3-HO-PCE
3-MeO-PCE
Memantine
MK 801

Apologies to Mom and Dad,
I know you don't want me doing this
But it's a hobby, its an interest, pursuing these passions is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to lie down on the train tracks
sorry

"
5:30 am
the room cradled in a timid blue
For a thousand years a thousand sounds
fired in a thousand colors
in my own skull

the first have ventured out to walk into the sun
glass between the concrete still air
and the ineffable yawning chasm,
of the inside of a rippling egg
walking home, burnt out
that chasm staring at them, that sheet of glass
that smiles down at them

phantasms dance on the walls and I stargaze at the ceiling and the thought looms over me
wispy and ashen, like a great dead Sycamore after first frost
what other reason
is there to want
to be
alive

"

"

life breathing into a deer skull

rippling with electricity,

to the very fingertips

and inhaling explosive energy to battle specters 

in a crystal cave of the prismatic beams of the sun

agile and catlike and beautiful, so beautiful 

a gloomy sun peaks over the rooftops and haze,

with grey light, thin and faded, waste and still and real

flat grey,

raise from it mountains draped in polychrome, trees that glisten with the fire of life

breathing

the palace of god,

the shadow of

the great waste, the hungry barrens

the

the color, calm, alien, looming,hands clutching, swirling sea

and  racing fear, eyes and teeth

and the pulse and fire of life, all of the colors of blood, and breath,

the calm the calm

until death

still 

until death

soon

until death

the great waste, the hungry barrens 

crumbles away, brick by brick

and I don't

even notice

why should

I want to

"

3-MeO-PCP (3 separate reports)

CW: depression
(This one has been published by Erowid!)
OH nO PCP!!!! How scary, how crazy!!!! Assassin of youth, potion of madness, condiment of evil!

Whelp. 3-MeO-PCP is PCP's friendlier cousin. PCP has earned itself one hell of a reputation, and I'll make a post about that reputation and the stigma surrounding that substance eventually. 3-MeO-PCP as the name implies is PCP with a Methoxy group on the 3 position of the phenyl ring. Chemically, it is in the same group as Ketamine, MXE, MXM, PCE, Deschlorketamine, N-ethyl-norketamine, and many more (the arylcyclohexamines). This groups can be divided into PCM, PCE, PCP, and PCMo families (see my post about taxonomy). 3-MeO-PCP falls into the PCP group, which consists of cycklohexane ring wtih a phenyl ring and piperidine group sticking out of the same spot (the name is derived from this I blieve, Phenyl-Cyclohexane-Piperidine. Ketamine belongs to the PCM group, which has an methylamino group in place of the piperidine. MXE is in the PCE group, which has an N-ethyl group at that same site. All of these drugs are NMDA receptor antagonists, meaning they have dissociative effects. They do this by blocking and inhibiting the action of the NMDA receptor, essentially preventing certain brain signals from transmitting, resulting in anesthesia, amnesia, hallucinations, ataxia, delusions, and all variety of other fun effects.

Here is an amalagamation of my explorations of 3-MeO-PCP. When I first tried it, I found it to be a bit lacking, it felt like just being drunk honestly. This was 10 mg oral. However, subsequent experiences truly opened the floodgates to this fascinating, exciting, and unique chemical. It is very setting dependent, it can really really enhance some experiences. It's a good dissociative for public use (But for the love of god, try it in a safe place first to know how you react to different doses, it is EXTREMELY dose sensitive), as you are not completely annihilated and it really does make the world into a more fascinating place. Be careful with pushing doses. If you go too far, you find yourself trapped in overwhelming mania, thoughts exploding rapidly and pushing you towards psychosis. Also for the love of god do not binge on it. This is a fast lane to psychosis. After being on it long enough, you really really lose touch with reality and your mind begins to make stuff up with vigorous energy, stuff that you will subscribe to completely. In my opinion, to get the most out of it, smoke a lot with it. This can potentially open you up to the hole, it is a very unique experience unlike any dissociative hole. Smoking will potentiate the more interesting dissociative effects of it without jacking up the manic aspect.
I would recommend this only to the most responsible psychonauts. It is extremely potent and truly not forgiving if you get careless. There are a great deal of reports of using this substance at high/sustained doses leading to psychotic breaks/stints in a psych ward. If you are smart and careful with it however, it is immensely rewarding and utterly fascinating. I hope it won't give me Olney's Lesions lol.

Anyways, here is the first experience with it that I decided was worth reporting, I saw a noise show by myself while donked out. I smoked a lot with it and it really took me somewhere else. This was easily one of the most rewarding live music experienecs I've ever had. I should go to shows incredibly fucked up mroe often.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dose: 10 mg

ROA: oral

T0:00-Took 10 mg in a capsule. Was seeing a noise show by myself.

T0:30-Arrive at the venue. Can really feel it start to kick in as I get off the subway, it only builds more and more as I approach the door and am let in. All goes smoothly. Someone is playing when I come in so I can hide in the dark and sneak into a corner. I slump against the wall and close my eyes and let the dissociative warmth swallow me.

T0:50-Their set ends. I wait in line for the bathroom for a while (right next to nate young from wolf eyes!!!). In the bathroom I really get a grasp of how fucked up I am, as is typical when I’m tripping in a bathroom. Everything feels like fuzzy static, the entire world is lo-fi. step outside to smoke some weed. The outdoors are absurd, all the buildings look far away and everything feels like some strange fantasy. It feels like im watching the world from the bottom of a metal bucket. It seems like everything is through a fish eye lens and is glowing at the edges. I smoke and manage to make my way back to the venue, it feels like im just standing still and the world is moving around me until I am there.

T1:30-The next set begins. I am right well dissed to space now. This one is an industrial noise act. It’s a dude at a DJ booth with an image of himself projected on the screen behind him, the effect making it recede into infinity, it is oversaturated and washed out. The noise eats me alive. I close my eyes for most of this set and just stand there feeling the tangle of sound waves as they batter me. I get my first ever experience with CEV’s while on this substance, It is monolithic angular objects with spiky toothy auras in an infinite space of spiky waves. They are generally all very angular and sharp, no soft edges or corners anywhere to be seen. They are all in warm dull colors like burgundy and dark grey orange. As I sail through this space I can feel my body become nothing, I honestly have no idea how I was able to remain standing. It feels like my body is just being disintegrated into these spiky waves by the walls of noise.

T2:10-The set ends. I go outside to smoke more. It is similarly disorienting, and everything is even more warped seeming now, I don’t try to make sense of this world I just try to navigate it as safely and functionally as possible. I don’t want to go back into the venue, where the lights are up, I decide to just sit on the ground in dark little place outside and curl into a ball and just drift away. CEV’s aren’t too prominent now, just an overwhelming disorienting feeling of dissociation.

T2:30-The next set begins. This one is so confusing. It is as much performance art as it is a sort of noise/spoken word act. Everyone is dressed up in strange ragged costumes. A small set was built on stage. People dressed as gnarled trees are dancing in the audience. This was all real not even me hallucinating but it was fascinating nonetheless. I feel like I have descended into some circle of madness the human mind wasn’t meant to tap into, and it feels great, it feels like I’m on a rocking boat going down the inky river styx.

T3:10-This set ends. I feel slightly more coherent and less dissed. No good. I see someone I actually know here, a chance meeting. Whoa. We smoke together, I get myself back into the dis zone and need to be walked back. Being social is a real fucking struggle. I really hope I didn’t say anything rude or abrasive, I was so completely out of touch with social conventions and how to interact with others. I break off to go hide alone in the venue when we get back.

T3:40-The headliner set begins. It’s Wolf Eyes. I stand directly in front of the speakers. The next 40 minutes are unspeakable bliss as I get swallowed by sound. I don’t even notice how loud it is, I just feel soundwaves battering me, literally feel them as they shake my bones and ripple my clothes. The noise the noise the noise is so huge. I don’t open my eyes most of the set, I am just in a sea of noise, in a sea of soundwaves with angular crests and troughs. Everything is a maroon darkness, my body is cut to pieces and cast into eternity, my mind is tripping and stumbling through the void and there is no world no worries absolutely nothing beyond this endless abyss of grating sound. I have never had a more rewarding live music experience than this.

T4:20 (Ha), their set ends. I retreat to a corner and linger there while the venue empties. I go to the merch table. I feel so good, so confident. I get a bunch of stuff without really thinking, I show the members of that sort of performance group my locust costume which fits their aesthetic kinda well I guess. I normally wouldn’t do something like that, but 3-MeO-PCP fills me with a manic arrogance and confidence. I decide to walk home. I don’t even remember walking home. I felt like it would be a short walk, and although it was about two miles it did feel like a short walk. I honestly didn’t notice how far I went. I was manic and honestly probably looked like just another of the insane people who go around the streets around here at night in my erratic movements and wild eyes. I was confidently flirting with someone the whole way home. This was unlike me I think, this was just such haughtiness, the one thing that scares me about this drug is this personality shift that it levies on me. I came home and was glowing and just relaxed in my room the rest of the night.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I have a bad habit of hittin dissociatives when I get really depressed. I mean it makes sense, to just sever all connections to the world and self. Plus some have been shown to have clinical use as antidepressants. But that really doesn't justify what is textbook drug abuse. This was my first time in the "hole", I really got to see the potential of this substance.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dose: ~12 mg 

ROA: Intranasal

T0:00-Was feeling very depressed that night. Did 3-MeO-PCP the night before. Felt stressed out and stricken with some hardcore shame and self-loathing that more or less arose from nowhere. Crushed up and insufflated the chemical.

T0:10-While coming up decide to turn the almost instant manic energy into a frantic scribbling of my favorite poem/spoken word piece (I have a very special plan for this world by Thomas Ligotti, read by David Tibet of Current 93). I end up with three pages saturated with illegible scribbling, it looks like the sorta creepy shit pasted on the wall of a ‘crazy’ character in a movie. I feel like this absurd surreal and absolutely bleak madness is the threshold of a deep abyss which I am about to plunge into.

T0:40-Have been coming up for a while now. Feeling numb and warm, the usual. Want to take it further though, I feel almost disappointed in how shallow I am in the trip. Decide to smoke a bowl out of my DMT pipe. I’m not sure if the DMT residue had any effect on this or was responsible in any way, there honestly probably wasn’t too much in the pipe. I also took 2 hits from the gravity bong.

T1:00-This is it. I did it, I did it right. I am absolutely blasted away, this isn’t the mania I was warned about when pushing the limits with this drug though. This is something else. First thing I notice is in the body- almost total anesthesia, my body just completely faded. This is cool, this is good. I am having that feeling of “I could move if I really tried but I just don’t want to, I have no reason to”, so I don’t move, at all. Breathing is becoming heavy and deliberate. This feels like the verge of any dissociative hole. Here it comes! I decide to put on the audio version of the aforementioned poem to guide me into the dark.

T1:10-I am in the hole. Just completely sunk. I close my eyes and suddenly I am transported. This feels more energetic and manic then other dissociative holes. Ketamine is like a great void. MXE is a colorful adventure where I drift through scapes. DXM is weird as fuckall and filled with amnesia and fragments of memories. MXM was coherent memories, and MXP was being vibrated into incoherent waves. But this, this feels like the aether around me is in perpetual and frantic motion. It feels like the boundaries of the hole are in perpetual flux, constantly self-transforming and moving. If I were to give it a characteristic color, it would be dull warm colors. Dull oranges, rust, maroons, browns, crimsons, mahogany. My surroundings felt toothy and sharp, and accented with smaller concentric shapes within. On all sides of me were spinning gears, toothy conveyors, twitching and morphing monoliths with angular borders. Not a single soft edge or corner was in sight, it was all very sharp and angular. It was like being in a jungle of shapes, some huge, some small, but all were in frantic motion. It felt like I was not drifting through this space, rather sitting completely still and having it move around me. This space was mindless yet warm. It was not the cold sterility of ketamine, but also not the warm adventurousness of MXE. It was certainly sterile, but it wasn’t cold, it wasn’t that dissociative feeling of having consumed some chemical ice. The motion and energy of the surroundings seemed to give off a sterile warmth, like a toaster oven or the coils of a space heater or the heat from a car engine.

T1:40-This was a relatively short hole. After about half an hour I am completely unable to return to it. It is at this moment that some strange cosmic coincidence struck. My friend (also the only other person I know who is so into 3-MeO-PCP) messages me. He said he has just managed to hole on the substance for the first time. We strike up conversation and compare notes. Really strange that we just completely uncoordinatedly did this at the same time. I hope he wasn’t driven to it by a fit of depression. I forget his circumstances, if I recall correctly he achieved it by stacking doses with some weed potentiation. We both had similar duration, and the visual aspect was of a similar nature for both of us-toothy and angular. Very very interesting. I am feeling so stoked, I haven’t read much about holing on this substance on the internet. I feel like I have broken down a barrier, explored a new frontier. I am so hype and so weirdly proud of myself. I decide to follow up with a personal project-Sorting a sample of insect specimens collected in a trap that I received from a museum where I used to work. This is a blast, I feel so happy pursuing something I love, and then there is the social and arrogant aspect of it, that I am doing something unique that will make me look interesting and appealing. All I want to do is appear unique, to receive validation to counter the emptiness and self-loathing so deeply rooted in my mind.

T2:40-A friend contacts me. She is a bit drunk and in a very very bad place mentally. She needs a physical presence. I fear I will be too fucked up to properly provide any sort of support or kindness but whatever. She comes over and I find myself lacking a voice. As in I can only speak very quietly and meekly. I feel so shy and afraid. I feel like I am failing to be a good friend and good support, and its just pushing me further down into a hole of meekness and weakness. After smoking some more and talking for a while I get my voice and mania back. I feel warm and confident. I hope I was able to help and provide positive energy and positive spirit.

T5:00-Fall asleep. Was still feeling dissociated when I went to bed. Woke up feeling nothing out of the ordinary the next morning.

CONCLUSION: Well interesting discovery. I’m not sure if its easy to hole on 3-MeO-PCP by itself. It seems like you need some sort of potentiator, maybe a smidgen of psychedelics. A lot of weed seemed to really do the trick though. From what I’ve heard pushing doses with 3-MeO-PCP doesn’t put you in a hole but overloads you with mania and racing thoughts that can push one into a scary dissociative psychosis. So I would assume potentiators are the key here, and that is certainly a much safer way to experiment with it it seems. In this case though, can the hole truly be considered a 3-MeO-PCP hole? With my most absurd weed highs (multiple edibles, smoking really relaly dank weed after a long t break, etc) there was certainly a hole-like experience with visuals (visuals that seemed to feature angular shapes and gears most of all, oddly enough). So perhaps you can’t truly and purely hole on 3-MeO-PCP, but this was a combination weed/3-MeO-PCP hole with each drug amplifying the effects and visual aspects of one another. Easier just to call it the 3-Hole or something.

 --------------------------------------------------------------

This was another go at the hole. The therapeutic / introspective potential of this drug that was revealed by this trip is really exciting.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Dose: 10 mg

ROA: Intranasal

T0:00-Finished finals for the day. Wanted to play in the 3-Hole again to unwind after so much stress.

T0:30-Feeling pretty dissociated already. Haven’t touched this stuff for like 2 weeks. Everything feels distant and there is a distinct appreciation for music, kinda like a lower dose of DXM. Pretty interesting. I know exactly how to navigate this, I wait until I think I’m at the peak.

T0:50-Peaking now. Here it comes. I Hit the gravity bong 3 times. Here we go. I sit back and wait for it to hit. There is no rush or sudden comeup, it slowly slowly creeps up on me. I am able to coherently relax in bed for a bit.

T1:00-The hole is opening up. I lie under my covers and close my eyes. I am being sucked in. I can feel my body fade to nothing. I am eventually 100% anesthetized, it feels like my body has folded up on itself until its become nothing. The analogy I can make is a pretty specific reference to a manga… If you’ve read/watched Jojo’s bizarre adventure part 3: stardust crusaders, there is that character towards the end named Vanilla Ice who is capable of folding up to disappear from our dimension. He does this by having the demonic creature that accompanies him eat him. It then eats itself until it is nothing but a jaw, which then also blips out of existence. That’s how I felt. That is exactly how I felt. (see the end of this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlXsxc2G7iQ) (Sorry for the weird reference but I was in the midst of reading the series at the time). It was now that I was cast into the dream world. I was literally revisiting my old and recent dreams, watching them like movies. I could feel the same feelings I felt during them, and they were attached by free association. It was like exploring the structure of my subconscious through virtual reality. I would experience one dream, and then seeing an object, location, or having a feeling from that dream would immediately bring up a chain of associations that would lead to another past dream. This chain continued indefinitely. It was fascinating to explore, and it was so so strange to feel something so familiar that I had forgotten about. I was truly traversing my unconscious. I have no idea when I had these dreams, most did feel fairly recent, but these were certainly not random inventions, upon being exposed to them it triggered the distinct memories I had about them. After a bit I managed to pull myself out of it, just to see if I could.

T1:40-I talk to a friend a bunch online. He’s on MXE, and I’m holed up on this. It’s hard for me to maintain/understand conversation. I’m really really heavily dissociated. I decide to bid him a brief farewell and explore the hole again.

T2:00-Back in the hole. Now there is this feeling of an immense centipede or serpent skeleton. This is me, this is what I am now. I have no body, I am this swimming segmented being, twisting and turning through the aether. I have a vision of a landscape, rolling angular hills marked with grids, with a great red sky. It seems like this is a sort of “dream nexus”, similar to that I felt on DXM. I slither between the hills, and each grid mark is the entrance to another dream. I do not see the associations between them anymore, and unlike DXM these are not just hallucinated versions of my reality, but actual dreams I have had. I am like the librarian of this vast dream library, completely alone in its infinite scape to peruse these memories as I like. I can literally tap into whichever one I want. Well, I’m not sure what each one is until I enter it, but once I’m in, the chain of associations continues. Very fascinating.

T2:30-I awake again. I am down enough to not fall into the hole anymore, even if I try. I decide to give my heart and mind a rest and not smoke more, as this would probably bring me back to that state in some degree. I am elated at this discovery of dream exploration.

T6:00-Still feeling a bit faint. I go to bed now.

Conclusion: I am not sure what it is with NMDA antagonists and dreams. Do dreams have something to do with the NMDA receptor? DXM brings about similar experiences, although it seems to warp and bend the dreams a bit. This was very clear and literal exploration of pure unadultered dreams. This could be a truly useful tool, if I have a profound dream. It would allow me to revisit and explore it. I am excited by the implications of this and how I can explore it in the future.

Methallylescaline

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!!)

Age:20

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 50 mg oral in solution

Setting: The length of broad street, my apartment

T0:00-Mix powder into orange soda. There is absolutely no flavor, interestingly enough, no cringe inducing bitterness. I have mixed psychedelics with orange soda before (4-AcO-DMT and Psilocin), and the bitterness pierced through the flavor and made me cringe and shiver. I sip it. I decide to sip it while en route to my destination.

T0:10-My destination is the southern terminus of Broad St. (the main street running north and south through the center of philly, my house is about a 7 mile walk from the southern end of it). I feel the first notes of the comeup as I sip my concoction on the subway. My plan is to get off on the southmost stop (the train runs most of the length of broad st.) and walk home from there.

T0:20-I get off the train. The southernmost stop is the city’s sports complex. There is a great deal of patriotic people about, as it is the army/navy game. I feel uncomfortable. I look out of place as hell. There’s a heavy police presence as well. I walk to the southernmost end of the street. I have to cross highways, and at last I reach it. It is military territory and the only non-navy building is a huge GSK building. I sit on the lawn and smoke a bowl. I am starting to definitely feel the comeup, in the form of nausea and lightness.

T0:30-I plug in my headphones and embark north. I had to cross a bunch of highways. I’m lucky I didn’t get owned by a car. Visuals begin to creep in, it feels mostly like a colorful aura surrounding things. Nausea is surprisingly manageable, in contrast to what I’ve read about this substance. Nothing much of note happens as I walk. I stop in a library to use the bathroom. Visuals are light, still only in the form of color enhancements. Everything just feels… strange. Everyone is strange as hell, they each have their own day that they’re going about, their own story, and I’m just a weirdo wrapped up amongst all of them.

T1:40-I stop to smoke a bowl in an alley. If I close my eyes I can really feel my body fade. Sitting down after being in motion for so long feels like I am sinking into jelly. Two young boys walk up to me, dollars in hand. They ask me if I’m homeless. I say no, they say “oh” and walk away. Patterns are appearing in the clouds. This trip is incredibly colorful, everything is rainbows. The clouds seem to be developing patterned furrows and fissures. I feel like I am floating along. Every interaction such as passing strangers etc. feels like briefly poking my head out of from under the surface of a great rainbow lake.

T3:00-I am definitely peaking now. Patterns appear on the sidewalk, on the clouds, everywhere. The world looks like I am viewing it through a fisheye lens. They are angular yet seem to flow and blossom organically. I am in center city now. I haven’t been making good time really. Its very crowded, and I sit down in the center of city hall to rest for a second. I take out my headphones and WOW the auditory hallucinations are mindblowing. I close my eyes and everything fades into an absurd mess of reverberating and trailing and steely noises. They are beautiful and harmonious, like they are all bending and distorting in accordance to one another. I feel clearheaded mentally, this feels like the standard psychedelic mindset, it feels like a mid-low dose of acid, with a certain 

waviness and uneasiness to it. It feels somewhat more organic than acid too. I continue onwards.

T4:40-I arrive at home finally. I collapse on the couch and am immediately stricken by discomfort. It feels like ive been running from the bodyload all day and its finally caught up with me. The auditory hallcuinations are still disproportionately strong compared to the other sensory effects. I feel stoned as hell mentally, not even a full psychedelic mindset just feels like being stoned as fuck. I am somewhat disappointed that A. I didn’t trip harder and B. nothing really happened/I didn’t really encounter anything interesting while I was out. It was a fascinating view of the lifeblood of the city, with a thousand people going about their own unique business. But I was honestly expecting some sort of odyssey, something with absurd encounters and strange spontaneous adventures. I honestly just walked in a straight line. I guess that’s my fault for expecting too much, or not appreciating what I had.

T5:00-Uh oh. I feel a pain in my gut. I go to the bathroom and yak up, it is horrendous and painful and uncomfortable. And here is where hell began. I do not know if this was from the substsance or just a coincidentally time food poisoning. I’m as of now inclined towards thinking this is due to a mineral deficiency. I feel so sick. Usually when I’m on drugs, throwing up makes everything better. Instead, I feel worse, much much worse. I go to my room and try to smoke and distract myself, but the intense pain in my abdomen only intensifies. I spend the next 2 hours in the bathroom, I am anchored to it. I am suffering immensely, the pain is mindblowing and I empty myself out completely. I just lie facedown in the toilet, wishing it would come to an end, I try a datura seed to calm the nausea but nothing is helping, it is only intensifying. It feels like I’ve swallowed a fucking thornbush. As I am racked with pain my body is shaking wildly, like I am shivering to death. I am deathly pale in the mirror. Holy shit this sucks. I’m still tripping really hard. It’s interesting to ponder such disgusting and visceral suffering while tripping. The trip felt high pitched… it felt like there were a ton of wires being pulled taut from me, and something was strumming them all, they were waving and springing and vibrating. The visual aspect was spirals and concentric circles, I was radiating a strange thin high pitched energy.

T7:00-Some friends come over to hang out with my roommates. I decide to just chainsmoke weed. I pack my one hitter and just hit it steadily for like an hour. This alleviate the pain somewhat. I linger with my friends, although I have to make runs to the bathroom every now and then. It is beginning to subside.

T9:00-The pain is tolerable now. I still feel nauseous as fuck, I won’t even attempt eating, and I just feel a sickly weight from the pit of my stomach. Ugh whatever. We watch nausicaa and the valley of the wind. It is so magical, I am so stoned and still lightly tripping, and the distraction helps me fend off the pain and nausea. Weed helps a lot.

T12:00-We start watching princess mononoke. Everyone ends up falling asleep. I am damn tired. I don’t want to lie in bed and be in pain at all. I pop a handful of Benadryl and am thankfully put out for a while.

CONCLUSION: I woke up sick as hell the next morning still. I was able to keep food down at least. I was sick the next day too. This shit sucked a great deal. I did MXE a few days later and almost threw up (never happens with MXE) I guess because my digestive system was still raw. Anyways, aside from this, it was an interesting psychedelic, it had a nature of being very taut, springy, and vibrate-y. It was thin and high pitched but harmonious. I want to try it again, to see if the nausea really was from the drug or was some other factor. There really is only one way to confirm that :P 

4-HO-MET

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

CW: Depression, suicide

Age:20

Weight-120 lbs

Dosage: 30 mg oral in gel cap
Setting: My apartment

T0:00-Dose after a light meal (a small bag of chips and some wafers)

T0:40-Not feeling anything other than some nausea

T1:10-Drink a lot of water. This seem to break the capsule. Am suddenly hit with a burgeoning comeup, like a bubble inflating. Ho boy. No sensory effects yet, just nausea and lightheadedness.

T1:30-Am feeling euphoric, very nice and euphoric. Bodyload is really setting in, but its whatever. Music sounds really nice, it’s the sort of pleasantry that comes from listening to music while stoned. The euphoria is very warm, in fact everything is very warm. I feel sweaty. This is similar to 4-AcO-MET, which is pretty sweaty too. No sensory effects really, although it feels like my mind is being reeled out, that I will reach them eventually.

T1:40-Begin to notice CEV’s. I feel like I am treading water above an incredibly deep abyss. I have subjected myself to an experience with unlimited depth, that I was about to be forcibly plunged into. The CEV’s are abstract and formless. They don’t seem to be patterned at all or following any sort of mathematical or fractal structure. It’s as if I am seeing a grand random swirling that then gets cut up and warped, each chunk of it shifting and transforming as it gets excised. Emotionally, the euphoria gives way to very clear and neutral critical thought. I begin to feel an overwhelming sense of shame. I am ashamed of who I am, I am ashamed of what I’ve become. I’m ashamed of how I was once a source of pride to my parents, how I was charismatic and bright and now I’m a drugged up loser who is too anxious to leave his room. I’m ashamed of how ive drifted from all of my friends, how I avoid social contact just to trip alone in my room. I’m ashamed of how I’m a depressed weirdo, how I can’t contribute anything to anything, and how it feels like I’ve just trapped myself in a dead end. This isn’t accompanied by spiraling despair, rather it jut feels objective and matter-of-fact, without really dragging my mind anywhere dark. My mind is already somewhere dark, and its just going to simmer there, forever.

T2:00-I am tripping extremely hard now. I am wandering into the cosmos, I am past the point of petty humanistic introspection. I am going so far beyond human that I can no longer recognize these body parts. I am an ambient mind. What are these strange tan chunks in my field of vision? (They are my limbs). This is a familiar feeling that I recognize from experiences with Psilocin and 4-AcO-MET. Auditory hallucinations become overwhelming. Oftentimes It will seem like ambient noises are simply reverberating and trailing off more than usual. Now however, they are not just reverberating and trailing off, but rather completely transforming into strange new sounds, turning my existence into an utter cacophony. Each sound has transformed into something else entirely, and they all dance and play in the air around me. My sense of perspective is annihilated.

T2:30-It continues. I feel like I am drifting into the borders of ego death. I cannot completely let go, and a part of it is my heart, the sheer psychosomatic anxiety that makes it feel like its about to explode. It is certainly beating rapidly, and with my eyes closed I fall into dissociation. The only part of my body I can feel is that raging, hammering heart. I feel like I am about to die. I am to cowardly to approach ego death, too anchored to myself, and this world. I have failed again. This reminds me of my experiences with experimenting heavily with acid in earnest last year, where I was constantly taking absurd doses. There was this essence of constsantly pursuing something, a tiny point, a convergence of the fractal landscape my existence had become. But whenever I tried to attain this point, it was pulled away from me in a most heinous Tantalan hell. Something would always pull or push me out of the way, or move it. Perhaps attaining this was the complete dissolution of self, and I simply had too many anchors keeping me just out of reach. Whatever. I lie down under my covers and listen to music. I am still pretty uncomfortable. I feel on the verge of vomiting and my limbs are buzzing with electricity and restlessness.

T2:50-I begin drawing to ground myself. I cover an entire page in a sort of abstract bubbly drawing. It looks pretty good. I decide to make a grand spread, to mirror it on the other page. The familiar sense of delusion confidence and grandeur creeps up. I feel like I am creating a great art piece, something iconic that will have a grand iconic name. I fuck up almost immediately, failing to mirror it, drawing the lines way too askew, also drawing a huge and decidedly… yonic…shape on the other page. Nothing wrong with this, but it’s not my intention at all and doesn’t sit properly with my perpetually failing sexuality. Whelp. I decide this will be a test of will though, I will finish this drawing, no matter what, I will not rest until its done. I cannot rest anyway, I have to keep shifting position to feel remotely comfortable. I take a break to step outside for a bit. It is really really pleasant out here. I return to my drawing but just can’t finish it. I just can’t. I have failed. Again. I am always failing. Whatever.

T3:30-I return outside. It was pleasant out there. A light euphoria still sits there. Despite my failures and shame I feel ok and optimistic and warm. I guess that is a pretty punctuated and delusioned euphoria, just like 4-AcO-MET. I work on the web in my backyard- a literal web I have made over it, descending from my window. When spring comes, vines will grow on it and make a canopy. The entire time I’m out there I keep thinking police cars are driving by, because my peripheral vision is flashing blue and white. I run out of string and go back inside, I am kinda concerned this will piss off my neighbors.

T4:15-I am back inside. I run into my roommate and talk to him briefly. Socializing is awkward as hell for me, but less so than I was expecting. He’s a nice dude, I can feel the essence of his warmth. I lounge around being a useless shit for a while. I decide to order food. I suddenly wonder why I did this, I’m still nauseous as hell. I take some nausea medication and smoke some and take a shower.

T5:30-Eat food. Manage to do it without throwing up. Feeling mostly down now in terms of visuals and mental aspect. Bodyload still raging.

T8:00-Baseline except for bodyload. No smart feeling afterglow or anything.

T15:00-Hahaha what the hell I cannot sleep it is 7AM. Bodyload still raging. This is fucked. I take a datura seed, some hydroxyzine, a handful of Benadryl and smoke a bowl. This knocks me the fuck out. I wake up at 1 the next afternoon, having completely slept through both my first class and my therapist's appointment.

CONCLUSION: I am trying to settle the debate as to whether 4-AcO tryptamines are active on their own or whether they get completely metabolized into the 4-HO variant, with the experience owing all of its effects to this 4-HO metabolite. Honestly you can’t really settle any debate on the subjective effects of psychedelics though. The psychosomatic effects of set and setting alone can honestly make two experiences of the same drug vastly different, not to mention that whole thing with my declining health from nutrient deficiency. But for me, it was completely different. It lacked the emapthogenic effects of 4-AcO-MET, it lacked the warm euphoria and the delusions of grandeur and confidence only slightly touched upon me. It was substantially more powerful and drifted more towards ego death, while 4-AcO-MET seemed to be entrapment and a total descent into ego. Next up is to compare mushrooms with 4-AcO-DMT. About to tap back into mushrooms wooo, I hope the psychological block of them won’t interfere. I haven’t written about my hellish mushroom experience and it happened so long ago that I really can’t effectively anymore. I almost killed myself though. 

Anyways, 4-HO-MET felt kinda like mushrooms, but without the overwhelming-ness or the destruction of autonomy. I was in control, it was like neutered mushrooms, (not necessarily a bad thing), that was also devoid of the emotional aspects of mushrooms that can very easily spiral out of control.

4-AcO-DET

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

Age:20

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 20 mg oral in solution

Setting: My apartment

T0:00-Mix powder into solution and drink it. Incredibly bitter, as expected

T0:10-First notes hit. This comes not in the form of visuals, sensations, or thoughts, but bodyload. I am smacked with chills, nausea, and bruxism.

T0:20-Start to notice the first visuals. Very colorful, slight warping and distortions.

T0:30-Visuals are very clear now. They are florally, they are radiating and blossoming and shaped like rosettes. They are all very carefully organized and structured. As if the world is made of hexagonal or diamond shaped cells, and each rosette pattern is blossoming symmetrically inside each one. They are clear and mesmerizing, and not really in motion at all. The bodyload is still powerful and makes me shudder with discomfort.

T0:40-The visuals are picking up even more. It looks like someone took the warp tool in photoshop and just wiped it haphazardly across my vision. Everything is twisting and distorting. Patterns appear on blank surfaces, but even they are subject to this grand warping. The visuals are rainbow colored, while most substances seem to have a certain color to them this drug captures them all, a total spectrum. There are concentric rainbows being emitted from everything. Not just lights, but literally every independent object, like auras. They pulse and breathe with my stressed and quickened breaths. This is insanely sedating and stoning, it almost feels dissociative. I don’t want to move at all, despite the restless feeling and intense discomfort that makes me writhe and twitch. Something is torturing my muscles and blood it feels like.

T1:00-I want to find calm and harmony, I want my body to chill the fuck out. If I close my eyes I really really drift off, my body fades until all I can feel is my racing heart. The CEV space is not too strong, but consists of similar patterns as described before, but with an element of depth and more dimension. I am still experiencing intense bodyload. I try putting on all sorts of music. I’m not sure why, but I choose to listen to noise. I really don’t know why I do this, it doesn’t help anything, at all. In fact it feels like it is contributing to some psychosomatic landscape that is exacerbating the bodyload. Whatever, I do have a tendency to fuck with my own body. I curl into a ball on my bed, it’s the only comfort I can find, it feels like I am on a rocking boat. Emotionally, there is no euphoria, no depth or introspection even. There is a great deal of pondering the minute details of my stimuli, especially music. Music becomes pretty fascinating. I would love to try this one again with a healthier diet and maybe more melodic and harmonious music. The grinding discord, the disjointed cacophony and auditory fearmongering shreds me apart though. It’s an interesting sensation. It feels like the air is being poisoned by soundwaves, that every breath I take in this space is leeching this toxin into my blood and thoughts. I can’t move and don’t want to move.

T1:30-I invited friends over, but told them to come later. They ended up coming early. Whatever, that’s fine. I let them in. Social interaction feels super awkward. There is still that over-analytical aspect of every bit of stimuli that meets me, and this of course makes socializing a total mess. I feel like I am reading too much into people’s body language and emotions, I am reading into things that just straight up aren’t there. This interrupts being able to coherently respond to people or process interaction. Whatever. I’ll just go smoke weed. That usually pacifies any social awkwardness. My friend brought dabs. Ho boy. We go up to my room. They interact and I’m glad that I don’t have to do much. I show them some cool stuff I found recently. I take a dab. I smoke a bowl. I take another dab. Suddenly, a strange thing happens. It feels like my ears pop. I can suddenly hear myself in the third person. It is like there is a microphone recording my voice and playing it back into my ears in real time. This is weird. Otherwise, there are not really any other auditory hallucinations that are standard to my trips. The visuals are mostly fading out now, I am shaking a lot still. A lot. The nausea is still there but has calmed down.

T2:00-We go play videogames. The amplified mind afterglow is there, but not too prominent. I can interact much more seamlessly and effortlessly now. There is no confidence or euphoria, but thigns feel ok. I still feel incredibly awkward at points and my little social faux pas that are ubiquitous feel absolutely crushing and devastating, but I get over it.

T3:30-Mostly back to baseline

CONCLUSION: 4-AcO-DET is a short trip. It’s less introspective and more … outrospective ? Is that a word? You find yourself hyperanalyzing everything, free of the mooring lines of emotions or your own ego / personality. It is a very neutral drug. The bodyload was heavy, but I would later learn that a nutrient deficiency was responsible for that. I am excited to sample it again once I’ve restored some equilibrium to my body. The visuals were beautiful, and it made music fascinating. 

3-MeO-PCP + 2C-B

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

CW: Depression

Age:20

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 10 mg 3-MeO-PCP Intranasal, 10 mg 2C-B Intranasal

Setting: My friend's house, Graffiti Pier, my apartment

T0:00-3-MeO-PCP insufflated in class. I’m goin exploring with some friends right after and we had limited sunlight. I wanted to already be goin hard when we went out. So I duck into the bathroom and rail it.

T0:30-Class is over and I am at my friends house. I am definitely feeling dissociated, but so far it is only a physical effect, a warm numbness and a pleasant body high. We’re planning our journey out. We smoke a little and hang out and prepare. The other people dose with various substances, mostly either 2C-B, 3-MeO-PCP, or a combination. I decide to split 20 mg of 2C-B with a friend and insufflate it. The pain hits as usual and is extremely unpleasant. However, because I am already on dissociatives, it ends up not being too bad and fades faster than usual. I almost immediately feel my body high get potentiated, like my numbness has just burst into an aura of colorful flames that are floating my essence through the ceiling. Visuals begin almost immediately, subtle and exquisitely colorful patterns on surfaces.

T0:50-We go outside and depart. I feel like I am inside still. The sky is incomprehensible and irrelevant.  Could there really exist a void, and aether so huge? Nah. It’s a trick. The entire world feels far away, I feel like I am navigating it in third person, I feel like I am navigating it in a bubble. My body moves on autopilot, and my depth perception is fucked beyond any degree of salvation. We hop into cars and depart. The car ride is a blast, I am zooming around through changing settings with little sense of self. It is so surreal to see so much of the world briefly flitting by, it feels like I am just in a pod with screens showing a strange world in motion. I am so dissociated that I really cannot connect any sense of motion I am feeling with the movement of the car. What a time.

T1:00-We arrive at our destination and go exploring. I am so fucked up. I am so stimulated. I feel like I could do anything, that I could run for miles, that my body has attained a super status that it has never achieved before. My limbs feel ready to explode from my body. I feel incredibly lightweight and floaty. There are other people here, it is honestly really hard to see and I need confirmation later that these blurry figures I saw were real. They are doing some sort of fashion photoshoot. I piece this together later. In the moment, seeing these people with strange clothes and cameras just comes off as an absurd manifestation of an increasingly irrational subconscious. I have to climb a tree with several embedded railroad spikes as grips. I have no idea how I did this without dying. We are now in a high up place. Once again I have no idea how I didn’t stumble and die. We smoke a joint and talk about stuff and watch the sunset. It’s beautiful. I feel like I am in such a perfect place in this moment, that I am in such a perfect place in my life, that so many forces came together to create the events that led me to being right here, in this moment, on these drugs. My depth perception is still fucked. A distant object appears to be really close and not too large. It later turned out to be absolutely immense. The surface of the water is pretty and very trippy to look at, but eventually the depth perception distorts so much that I can no longer tell how far away the surface is or where the surface is relative to other objects.

T1:45-We climb down from where we were and walk amongst the ruins of a large concrete pier. It is mesmerizing, there is so much intricate and beautiful graffiti. The 2C-B does that thing where everything looks like graffiti again. It’s hard to tell what’s actually there and what isn’t. We hang around for about 2 more hours. Everyone is talking about a lot of things. Some of it deep, some of it shallow, some light, some heavy, just a lot of conversation and interaction. The mental energy being poured into this makes the air buzz. There really is nothing to report for the rest of the trip. The surface of the river was spectacular to look at still, as was the sky. I am incredibly manic, I feel like all the inane shit I’m saying is intelligent or insightful or immensely profound, I feel like I am smart and have good ideas. I want to share them all, spill them all on the floor for everyone to see and to receive praise for them. Based on what others are saying, I feel like I have different ideas and perspectives than them, and I am so eager to share, I have this feeling like sharing a different perspective is inherently insightful and profound and that I will be praised for it. Of course this only applies if what I say is actually insightful or good or interesting. Whelp. Everyone else is heavily altered. I’m not sure what they thought of what I was saying. The hallucinatory state manifested in projecting reactions, thoughts, and mindsets on others. I felt like I could read their minds. In reality I was probably just making shit up and making myself believe it. Either way, it became a feedback loop to route imagined praise and respect back to myself after bouncing thoughts off of them. Or maybe they did find what I said insightful and interesting. It’s hard to know, I am so out of touch with people and emotions and I am naturally inclined to assume the worst about myself.

T4:00-We arrive back at the friend’s house where we started. 2C-B visuals are still lightly playing on surfaces. I show one of the people there who I have never met before my sketchbook. We have a nice conversation about our interests and find we have some thoughts in common. He praises me a great deal on my artwork and I am very very grateful for his kindness, and I am warmed with the thought that something I created elicited positive thoughts in him. This is hard to deny, he takes pictures of my work, its really hard to knock myself down from this like I always do. Of course in the moment, I could never knock myself down, I was on such a manic ego trip. But even in retrospect I can’t, that is nice, it really is.

T4:30 I have to leave though to meet a friend who I had planned earlier in the day to meet tonight. When I meet her I feel so prideful, so vain, so important and special, so interesting and wise and insightful. I’m sure it was a breath of fresh air from my usual depressed and self-sabotaging self, but I can imagine it was scary to witness me in such a radically different yet equally deluded mindset. Visuals have for the most part died down. Depth perception is still fucked, and I still have that 

dissociative floaty feeling.

T6:00-Back to baseline.

Ketamine

Age:20

Weight-120 lbs

Dose: 250 mg

ROA: insufflated

T0:00- Ketamine is in large crystal shards. I crush up about 130 mg and snort it. I figure this should be good for a hole. It stings a bit but it’s tolerable.

T0:20- I am beginning to feel it. This feels as pure as dissociation can get, lacking the giddy colorful psychedelia of MXE, the non-visual mania of 3-MeO-PCP, and the utter weirdness and discomfort of DXM. I am going entirely numb, it’s such a raw unfettered feeling that it almost feels cold.

T0:40- The peak is beginning now. I am under my covers, I really feel cold but not in an uncomfortable way, it just feels matter of fact. My body feels like it’s just faded away, as though it is now transparent. I put on music that sounds like dissociatives, even when sober. It’s loud and fitting and makes the entire room feel grey. The nature of K is a sort of colorlessness, I’ve noticed it is one of the colder and more greyscale drugs I have taken- it is metallic and sterile. It feels like I’ve turned into cold grey stone. My room looks very far away and unreal, I lose connection to the symbolic and emotional meaning of the objects around me. Everything seems flat and alien.

T0:50- I’m not going as hard as I want to. I try to stand up, and it’s kinda hard so I crawl over to my desk. I crush up another ~30 mg and rail it down. I am very dissociated and the space around me looks unreal, it boggles my mind that I can touch it and interact with it, because my initial judgment just upon sensing it says otherwise. It all just feels so far away. I crawl back into bed.

T1:00- Heressss the good stuff. I close my eyes and fall into the hole. This is what I wanted, this is what I’m here for. It’s an immense maroon darkness, incomprehensibly huge. If I want, I can occupy it with objects woven from some subconscious fibers. 3-d geometric shapes appear on either sides of me like an alley of monolithic columns and I can zoom through them or around them. Well rather, it feels like I’m sitting still and they are zooming around me. Auditory stimuli still comes in and that seems to color and texture this realm.

T1:20- And as soon as it begins its over. As much as I try to fade into the space of my closed eyes, there is that irritating feeling of being able to sense my body again. I still have a bunch left and nothing to do for the rest of the day… might as well tap into it. I’m really not sure how I managed to do this, physically. Maybe just sheer willpower to return to the K hole. I crush up the rest and take it down, totaling 250 mg for the experience. Almost instantly it feels like the world has shifted and I have entered back into another realm. This is good, I like where this is going. K feels so cold. I feel like I’ve snorted ice, that this icy numbness is radiating from my sinuses outwards. This is by no means uncomfortable or unpleasant, it just is. It is extremely and fundamentally neutral. It’s a grey overcast day, and I don’t have lights on. The room is glowing a cool grey.

T1:30- I am in the hole again. Woo. This time, I have a recognizable form. It is not like ego death, it is rather like my ego has transferred to the body and mind of another being. In this case, a large winged insect. With my eyes closed, I feel like I am flitting and flying amongst those same huge monolithic geometric forms in an immense dimness. These forms are hard to distinguish and look and feel vague and foggy. They bear no details to speak of. This world feels like a huge blocky chamber enclosing me, the boundaries of it simply too far to truly sense, though something tells me that they exist and something tells me the form that they take. I flit around as a bug for a good half hour or so. The feeling in my  body was like floating as an oil slick on the undulating surface of a pond. I could feel my limbs warp and bend without actually moving.

T2:00-I am out of the hole. There are definite visuals in the form of sort of smooth interlocking shapes on my ceiling. They are 2 dimensional and static. I am mostly just dissociated and numb now. I laze around on my computer while I come down. I wish I had more to binge on, I bought it all on impulse the night before while on 3-MeO-PCP, and honestly getting more would just be absurdly expensive for me. Another time, another time…

T4:00-Completely back to baseline.

Conclusion: I don’t dislike K, but like, it just feels cold, grey, dull and boring. K is immensely bleak and the K Hole is just one great void. I really don’t know what the fuss with K is. It’s interesting enough but it’s also pretty expensive and doesn’t last very long. Other dissociatives like MXE trump it on all of these fronts. To each their own I guess though.