4-AcO-MET

Age:20

Weight-130 lbs

Dose: 40 mg

ROA: oral (in solution)

Set: Been pretty depressed lately, I'm going into this trip thinking about sad stuff from the past with a self-destructive desire. Close friends giving me warmth and love, though I have in general felt very bleak and pessimistic about the future.

Setting: My bedroom

T0:00- Solution administered in 4 separate gulps across half an hour, chased with ginger tea and some puffs of weed to subdue nausea. Time begins from when solution is fully consumed.

T0:02- Oddly enough, I can already feel it coming on. Already beginning to get closed eyed visuals- they are moving and breathing in a seemingly algorithmic way with a great deal of depth. Nausea and stomach discomfort is hitting hard.

T0:06- I feel like my body is floating. In general it is a very warm and dissociative body high that would be pleasant if not for the intense nausea. It is like I am being caressed by soft, pleasant fingers, bursting with rainbows at the points of contact. Open eyed visuals begin to form as faint patterns and color enhancements. They flow and join organically and are entirely inoffensive with their rounded and gentle forms.

T0:15- I now sense that my perception is contained within a box that is being warped and twisted by some unknown force. I feel like there are presences around me. I keep getting this feeling that there is a distinct presence hovering directly in front of my face, receding and pouncing in rythic motion. My eyes twitch and flinch at this constant stimulus. It feels like my visual perspective keeps getting shifted back and forth violently between my perception and a 3^rd person perception, completely at random and beyond my control. As if I am switching between my view and that of the mysterious presence that insists of hovering in front of me.

T0:20- I can no longer recognize my body parts. I see these fleshy things and I can move them but I still feel like they are moving themselves in a way. I feel so completely and utterly alien both within this body and within this world. I also feel very sweaty. There are patterned visuals on all flat surfaces along with very solid rainbows coming from every light source. It feels like my eyes are being forced to a certain spot, but I’m not sure why or what’s forcing them. It feels like the world is divided into hexagonal cells.

T0:30- I am feeling a stoning sedative effect. My body feels numb and still, I don’t want to move at all. I can feel a bit of vasoconstriction in my limbs. Digestive system is no longer painfully uncomfortable, but still feels adrift.

T0:53- Nausea is mostly gone. I went outside to see the sky and was blessed with colorful geometric patterns, lacking in the pareidoilia and symmetry that presents with other psychedelics. Seems very synthetic in appearance yet organic in nature, simplistic intertwined patterns with sharp defined edges, drifting and breathing across the sky. The feeling of forced perspective shifts is hitting its peak.

T1:04- I am feeling an extremely powerful empathogenic effect, moreso than any psychedelic has given me. It’s like a big sweaty psychedelic hug. I feel so warm and happy, I love everybody I know, I want to tell them that I understand their struggles and that I love them and want them to be happy. Everything feels so significant. This is great. I’m so hot and sweaty.

T1:30- I feel so excited and pumped up, I want to go out into the world and do everything there is to do. There is so much to do. I can’t imagine how I’ve ever been depressed, I feel so good about myself and about my potential and about the future. I feel giggly, everything seems hilarious. I’m so happy. I believe I can do anything and want to do everything, it’s a soft and warm sort of mania.

T2:30-I’m mostly coming down, still very giggly, but the optimism from before is gone. Shades of the usual depression are starting to crop back up, but I’m high as fuck and don’t care too much.

T4:00-I’m mostly back at baseline save for a slight afterglow in body and mind.

Conclusion: One of the happiest warmest trips I’ve had. The nausea is incredibly uncomfortable for the first 45 minutes or so but the body load does not manifest otherwise. The empathogenic effect was one of the strongest I’ve ever felt. There was a strange sense of “other” throughout the trip. The visual perspective shifts are unique to this drug, and the visuals were otherwise bright and colorful, hearkening to the forms of nature.

DXM + LSD + DPT + DPH

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

"The Dextroverse"

Age:19

Weight-130 lbs

Dosage: 3 tabs LSD (300-480 ug), 300 mg DXM, 100 mg DPH, some quantity of DPT

I followed a strict schedule for dosing-

7:30- 50 mg DPH

8:00- 100 mg DXM, 50 mg DPH

8:30- 3 tabs LSD, 100 mg DXM

9:00-100 mg DXM

9:30- DPT Intranasal

(I was also on prescribed 300 mg Buproprion and 300 mg Gabapentin at this time)

The setting was in my room, made to bleakness. Auditory was the hum of white noise, lighting was only an extremely bright CFL bulb pointed directly at my face. The dosing regimen was begun after a shower, with ginger tea used to suppress inevitable nausea.

Nothing felt until about 8:45, after first administration of DXM and some LSD. My body is feelin off and very floaty, a strange sort of warm numbness. My head feels like it’s going to drift away, the typical dissociative feeling, associated with a sort of glowing pulsing patterning on surfaces, slowly becoming more and more prominent. By 9:15 I definitely feel very very altered, I have the usual dex walk feeling, but I get a sense that my limbs are jerking around in a strangely organized patterned way, probably compliments of the LSD. If you imagine you were viewing someone moving behind a grid of glass bubbles, their movements being jerked to the edge of the bubbles because of the glass’ distortion, that’s kinda what I felt like.

                By the time I decide to take the DPT, I am feeling such a rush of the world dissolving around me, everything seems darker and I feel like my body is in all sorts of places where it isn’t. I decide to just snort it right out of the bag. Not really sure why I would do this, there’s absolutely no way to accurately measure anything. I guess my judgment was impaired. I rail the powder and it feels like someone shot me in the face with a shotgun, but instead of shot its glitter and fog. I just barely manage to put the bag down before I just feel myself automatically, reflexively fall backwards onto my bed. I lie here, the entire room a spinning mess of fractals and patterns lit in strange ways and close my eyes.

                I’m not really sure what happened here, this is a complete blank in my memory. Chronology was impossible to keep at this point. I believe I may have fallen asleep or gone unconscious in some way. Either way, I definitely felt myself open my eyes and come to, albeit in a very strange world. My entire room had become dull sepia toned and high contrast, with values becoming washed out and everything looking flat. Everything was swirling with some unknown force- if you google a video of blood flowing through veins under a microscope, that is pretty much what my room looked/felt like (I use the term “look” pretty loosely from here on, my senses were scrambled and things were experienced beyond what could be described as senses). Objects were warping, swirling and bulging as if they were made of flowing syrup. I noticed if I dragged my hand on any surface it would make very distinct metallic scraping ringing noise. Touching and tapping things also made a metallic sort of clank. The soundscape- the ambient white noise had transformed into a wild flanging and warping and bubbling, random shifts in pitch accompanied by an ambient rushing noise, like water rushing through pipes, an auditory version of the visuals essentially. The world was in flux but was simultaneously so still.

                Cognitive function was too alien to even begin to describe. I was not even someone else, I was something else, or some degree of alienation beyond that. However I processed this environment was likely completely nonsensical to a sober mind, with associations and thought processes seemingly arbitrary and random. It all made sense at the time though. My internal monologue had become a nasally voice speaking in the flattest most robotic monotone, saying random bleak phrases in a strange verse and rhythm. I decided I could explore further. I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. I am sequencing the following events in a way that seems like a logical progression in retrospect, even though they unfolded beyond any sort of concept of linear time.

                It felt like I was caught in a furious wind storm, the fibers of my existence being strewn and stretched about every which way. I watched a world of CEV’s, fractals and afterimages of the room around me reduce into simpler and simpler geometry until they dissociated completely into a flat checkerboard plane. I wasn’t viewing this plane, or experiencing it even, this was me, this was me and the entirety of existence, into one unsettling conclusion at the depths of reduction. It seems at some point this too began to give way to a setting. All settings described hereforth are once again not necessarily seen, heard, sensed, or even experienced, they just were, and so was I. This setting was a checkerboard plane floating in infinite black space. In one corner was the familiar dex+LSD character, a block with a slab of meat(?) smacked upon it, chains extending from it into the abyss. On here was a vaguely humanoid figure, a grey putty in human form, with a metallic sphere for a head, two silvery lips upon it, this being speaking to me in that same internal monologue voice, this time it didn’t feel like it was coming from within me though, and it continued to ramble about god knows what in that monotonous verse. It was spewing streams of random words it seems, but at the time it all made perfect sense. Eventually this world too gave way, I began to piece together some sense of “self”, some sense of being detached from the world that could independently exist within it. I became a black scribble with a checkerboard aura, pulsing pink and green, and I simply wandered off. I wandered away from the familiar, I could feel the strange plane and my actual setting my room fading into the distance as I js wandered, and suddenly I found myself somewhere else entirely. Somewhere else, something else, just completely beyond the scope of human comprehension, that is what I simply ambled into.

                This was a place I have labelled “the dextroverse” (even though psychedelics played heavily into its existence)

                This was something beyond recognizable human experience, typically a “space” is explored through sensory inputs and stimuli, and typically an beyond that an experience takes place within a “space”, a place defined by dimensions and an interplay with time. None of this applied, this is incomprehensible to the human mind, its incomprehensible to me, but it made sense to my dexed out acid brain, this retrospective is rlly the most I can make of what was probably beyond any description I can give. I’m going to describe this “world” in terms of sensory inputs even though senses were irrelevant, my form wasn’t even anything that could sense anything.

                This plane was a vastness, an impossible sprawling and open bleakness, akin to a desert with a sky so imposing and huge it’s vacuum could be called monolithic, and a flatness so crushingly sterile and bleak as sun baked bones. I floated above this, a speck as insignificant as a speck could be. In the distance, the astronomical distance, were mountains perhaps, or simply some sort of limit placed on this yawning plane.

This place was inhabited.

Maybe I witnessed more, but only 2 sorts of being stick out. I would teleport around the place, space and time were meaningless and I could go wherever I wanted however I wanted.

One could be described as a sort of worm, it was dull grey and a sort of wrinkly, and looked as if it was made of intestines. At one end was a toothy mouth lined in dark flesh (?), akin to a francis bacon painting (see study for 3 figures at base of a crucifiction). Upon seeing it, it seemed to flatten my experience and input, if a visual analogy were made it would be said that gazing upon it turned the world 2 dimensional and slew any sense of depth perception. It pulsed with a sickly green and pink aura, its sinews pulsing and bulging and warping. I do recall that upon opening my eyes, it was still there, in my vision, flattening my room, sitting dead center of my gaze no matter where I looked. Interestingly the ambient noise seemed to flang and warp in sync with the bulging and pulsing of its body. It eventually faded. This one seemed oddly familiar.

The other were two immense beings next to one another, impossibly huge, larger than anything on earth. I flitted around them like a speck of dust in a draft. These monolithic beings were vaguely human shaped, their matter seeming to be a sort of swirling darkness. These beings were completely and utterly indifferent to me and to anything human or any sort of human struggle. The entire history of the world would be a passing breeze to them. They were so alien and so incomprehensible cold, indifferent, and unfeeling that the air and rocks around them seemed to glisten with color and passion. My presence wasn’t just nothing to them, it was beyond nothing, them choosing to consider my existence was a cosmic impossibility and absurdity, and even if they did they would have no comprehension of something so below them. Being near them felt like holding my brain and sanity to a grinding wheel.

I think all of this ended about 2 hours later. I noticed that old familiar thought processes were coming back, sensory inputs started to seem more …. Earthly, I was still very very fucked up and altered, but I was human again. I spent the rest of the night watching my roommate play videogames, my short term memory was completely shot for the rest of the night, having conversations was very difficult. There really wasn’t much else to note.

It seems as though parts of the dextroverse were informed subconsciously by art and other things I had seen (see: Mat Brinkman, Jesse Moynihan, Francis Bacon), I don’t think there’s anything I could describe as being more strange and bleak and surreal than that experience. I have never in my life been more separated from any sense of being human or even from this reality and existence. Hell yeahhh

LSD + DPT

CW; Suicide, Depression

Age: 19

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 5 tabs LSD (500-800 ug) sublingual, unknown large dose of DPT Intranasal
Setting: My apartment

T0:00-5 tabs of acid on the tongue, I prepare a bump of DPT for later. I eye the dose out like a dumbass.

T0:30-Normal feeling of coming up on acid, feeling elated, feeling like there is energy flowing around me and into me, brighter colors and faint patterns, etc. I begin getting a melting and twisting and warping of surfaces and lines that I never have noticed before this markedly. My screen starts to breathe.

T1:00-Exactly one hour has passed. I’m ready to blast off. I go over to where I have the DPT set out and cut it into 3 lines. I rail them, one at a time. It is incredibly uncomfortable. In my nose, I can tell that it tastes like hellishly bitter burnt plastic. It sticks to my palate and dessicates everything. Not only that, there is so much of it.

T1:20-I put my computer away, I can feel everything rising. The world around me is beginning to swirl and form interlocking polygons. Tracers and flashing color patterns and twisting fractals begin to dominate everything. The noises around me start to warp and flange and alter in pitch.

T1:30-I begin to think and meditate as the boundaries of my body start to blur. I close my eyes to see a world of glowing lines intersecting to form tessellated polygons overlaid on breathing fractals. I can feel my mind drift into this as my body becomes fainter. I begin to think about all sorts of dilemmas in my life. I seem to come to satisfactory conclusions to these issues, but I either lose track of them among the torrent of colorful racing thoughts, or they were purely conceptual and I couldn’t really apply them in the form of words after. As I begin to chain from one abstract thought to the next I feel like I’m building a mountain of thoughts to stand upon, and as it builds my mind ascends to higher and higher places.

T1:45-I stand up and wander about my room, I try drawing a little bit, I’m drifting further and further from myself, in body and mind. I am starting to feel like I’m a completely different being. I wander over to a table where I keep several animal skulls. I pick up my favorite, a beautifully intact deer skull, so wonderfully smooth and pearly, so aesthetically perfect. I laid shirtless on my bed, gouging its teeth across my chest. I felt so physically numb, I didn’t notice it leaving deep scratches on my torso. The skull was so incredible, so powerful, I began to think of the animal that once inhabited it, I began to think about its life, its energy, its raw power. In it harming me, I realized that all living things have a burning life force within them, that makes them fight and struggle to exist, to survive. I realized my own life force drew from this same wellspring, that it was common to all Earth life, an unchanging fragment of divergent evolution, perhaps derived from the replicative nature of DNA and RNA. I began to picture myself as a folk hero traveling a spirit forest with my spectral deer sidekick, a skull with pulsing polychrome tendrils, molded into the shape of a deer. Between that was experiencing the skull pulsing with the deer’s life force, it would shake and press it’s antlers into me and dig its teeth into me, it had so much energy, so much fire behind it.

T2:15-my thoughts begin to stray to death, to suicide. I’ve been thinking about suicide so nonstop lately, in fact this trip was my last ditch effort to find some reason not to kill myself. Death, the thought of death approaches me. I feel so beyond death, I feel like I have already died, like I have not yet been born. What a curious thing, death and time are, how odd it is that consciousness seems to transcend time. I began thinking about quantum immortality, that in a truly infinite universe or multiverses, every iteration of every atomic (reduced to the very most basic component) moment as a function of time and space exists somewhere. Somewhere, this information is encoded. Something (I don’t know what it was to this day) told me that encoded in the air were the whispers of a thousand consciousnesses, encoded as binary data in the smallest and most efficient molecular storage mechanism in the universe, something beyond the current limits of human observation. Of course this is blind conjecture, I’m just on a lot of drugs. But this idea of quantum immortality really stuck with me, regardless of whether or not it was directly encoded into this universe. Somewhere, everything that was going to happen had already happened, everything existed as it was. Linear time was just an illusion, it’s just us taking all of existence that is already laid out before us and sequencing it. Consciousness was truly beyond linear time. Mine was at least, and so were many others, that I was suddenly aware of. I realized that no one was truly dead, and that I became aware of other consciousnesses inhabiting this realm. These were consciousnesses that were already dead and had not yet been born. In other words, ghosts. This realization was like opening a door between us, we were all suddenly aware of each other and we were both really confused. They swarmed around me, I could sense them, I could sense so many other presences around me, the room dropped to a chill as I kept catching these looming presences. I couldn’t see them, but I perceived them as hands, grasping and clutching at me. I was terrified, terrified they might speak to me and that I may be afflicted with these ghosts forever. I envisioned them as hands, faces, and figures behind a thin translucent cloth, all leaning in towards me. They all had different personalities, some were kind, calm, and friendly. Most were indifferent. The benevolent ones would inhabit me, I would feel their personality, wisdom and thoughts course through my neurons. Some however, I could feel exuding malevolence and ill will. They loomed behind me, towered over me. One seemed fond of grabbing my head and puling it backwards, down towards my bed. It felt like deer antlers smashing against my skull, which would transform into alabaster fingers that pulled me down. These spirits would surround me, clutch at me, I knew that some evil people had once inhabited this space, and wanted to harm me. I saw in my chest a glowing core, the glowing core of life force, my burning life force keeping me from fading into the abyss of asphodel like them. They were all clutching at it, and I had to repel them all through sheer light and force of will.

T2:45-It was at this point that I began to really seek out these evil spirits, question them and follow them to where they were born from. I closed my eyes and began to trace them, trace them to their root, it was like burrowing through thick underbrush. I got deeper and deeper and encountered a being, counter to me, a trickster being that didn’t seem to harbor malevolence but still acted antagonistic towards me. This was my divine rival. It toyed with my thoughts and sent ghosts after me. I suddenly realized something-This was God, this was a manifestation of God. It had come down to me in a mortally recognizable form, I was blessed with its presence. I wondered- why is this God? Why do I have to agree with it? Why do I have to be subservient to it, and why does submitting to it feel so tranquil? I seemed to have my mind shifted to a paradigm in which the paranormal existed, and I was able to believe in and follow God. I still questioned God-Why was it the ultimate authority? I began to challenge God, think of ways I could exert power over this force. So this trickster being, after outsmarting me at every turn, decided to enmesh me in itself and show me the true nature of God.

-The true nature of god-

God is a representation of the absolute within measurable and tangible human experience. Subject to entropy, every universal force we encounter has astronomical chances of random variation. God however, is contained in life force. Life force sustains itself by altering perception of the world around it to make itself true and maintain its existence. It is absolutely recursive in how it alters perception. And it is in this recursion that the absolute lies. It is within every living thing, also probably derived from the replicative nature of DNA and RNA. Humans are unique in being able to recognize this force and then later personify it as “God” or “Gods”. This is simply a byproduct of the survival mechanism that drives everything. Life force does anything to stay alive, every adaptation, every thought, is, sometimes through circuitous routes, an extension of that.

Everything is subject to entropy however, entropy is the unstoppable and ultimate power in the universe. As God exists only within living things, even god is subject to entropy.

During this trip I began to experience the positive feedback loops that have been plaguing me with burgeoning depression as something actually positive- this recursion showed me that they could be harnessed in a way that didn’t drive me towards the edge.

But I began to wonder- why do my thoughts seem in such opposition to life force? Why am I self destructive? I began to realize that it’s simply the random mutations that drive natural selection, being more subject to entropy. My mutation was a knack for self destruction-the life force was still there, it just found itself in combat with another powerful counterforce, as powerful as the life force but twisted and dark.

There were moments during the trip where I was overtaken by vanity and ego, where I believed I was the chosen one by god, where I believed I had solved major unsolved problems in math and physics, where I believed I had opened a rift between our world and the spirit world. This all of course turned out to be complete bullshit but whatever.

The rest of the night really wasn’t much. I played a lot of videogames and went to 7/11, the visuals played out for a while but my mind became more human. I rode an emotional rollercoaster as morning approached, shifting between divine elation and deep depression. 

DXM + LSD + DPH

(This one has been published by Erowid!!!!)

CW: Mental illness/depression, existential terror

Age: 19

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 4 tabs LSD (400-640 ug) sublingual, 180 mg DXM oral in gel caps, 100 mg DPH oral

Setting: My apartment

T0:00-After smoking a bowl, down the DXM caplets along with 100 mg of Benadryl to reduce the itchiness/nausea that usually accompanies DXM. Already feeling nauseous, the feeling of having so many pills in me is nauseating. I pop the 4 tabs into my mouth directly after. I’m hanging around my room at this point waiting for any effects.

T0:15-I go to play videogames while coming up. As I’m playing I can feel the DXM start to kick in-I feel wobbly, the room feels wobbly and I begin to feel like I’m rocking around. The walls begin to pulse with concentric patterns, at first in just darker and lighter hues but they begin to pick up colors. The game is becoming pretty difficult now, and also pretty confusing- why am I playing this? What objectives am I trying to accomplish? I decide to go back to my room- things are definitely kicking up now. The patterns are on the walls of my long hallway, though they seem to be flowing like a river. I go to my room and lie down on my bed. Standing is becoming increasingly difficult.

T1:00-Once in my room I pack a bowl and smoke it. I am listening to music on my laptop. The music begins to sound more and more surreal- I can hear voices, I can recognize them as human voices but I can’t distinguish what they are saying. I can feel the emotion coming off the music and I can understand that, but the language is completely alien. The voices sever themselves and creep through the air like specters, breathing and pulsing. They settle in my mind in the way that leaves fall from trees, each set of words as alien sounds that dance around my thoughts. They expand and pulse and breathe in and out, I visualize them like a patterned bubble growing and shrinking before me, bleeding with emotions. I close my eyes, the scene that comes to me (not literally or visually, the essence of this scene) is a blank grey room, the walls metal. There is a slab of concrete on the floor, with a big block of meat forcefully slammed on it, cables extending from the meat to the walls. The sound waves pulse through the room like ripples on the surface of a pond. My consciousness and sense of anything begins to fade as the walls stripe and shutter. I open my eyes and turn off the music-it’s too stimulating.

T1:15-The next 2 (?) hours are beyond any understanding of time and reason. I am sitting in my room in silence. But it doesn’t sound silent. The sound of everything is deafening-Every little sound explodes into a larger one, one that resonates and bends and twists to my will. If I think of a song, the ambient sounds of my space will bend and mold to match it. This creates an incredible confusion as to whether or not I have music on or not. I curl up into a ball on my bed and close my eyes. My entire existence is reduced to a radiating geometric pattern overlaid with a pulsing flowing black and whitw chevron pattern. I’ve done this on acid before- let myself fade to nothing, I can jerk myself back as of my own will. But I can’t- I feel trapped in this mysterious space without space or time. My auditory and visual space fuse into one sense- a sputtering sound, a sputtering image, like lines on and old TV and the sound it makes. The image begins to twist and turn in conceivably impossible ways, tendrils and projections spiraling and drilling off-what does it mean? I can’t even ask myself that, any sense of language is destroyed. The only pieces of language I can comprehend are snippets of the music I was listening too, dancing around, popping out of the patterns and screaming at me, bending and warping around me. I suddenly open my eyes and jerk myself back-where the hell am I? I look around, nothing looks familiar, I have no idea where I am, what direction I’m facing, which way is up or down or left or right. I have no memory of my state before closing my eyes, I don’t remember where I was. It all begins to come back to me though- I’m in my room, I’m okay. My short term memory begins to falter, like it does while I’m on mushrooms. This is always fucking terrifying. This leads to looping- I am just lying on my bed, being altered beyond belief. I want to get up and do things. I stand up, I realize how altered I am, that it isn’t safe for me to do things. I go back to the bed. This cycle continues for a while, I keep wanting to do things, and remembering why I don’t want to, and forgetting the whole thing. I thrash around on my bed, every time I open and close my eyes I am disoriented, with no sense of the space I’m in. This feels a lot like a mushroom trip, but with more of a body high, compliments of DXM. Then things start to get weird.

I look out of my window and see a bus driving down the street, a person on the sidewalk in front of it. Cool. I continue looping, pacing my room, I feel physically ill and nauseous. I keep thinking I have thrown up/ I am about to throw up. I begin to get the feeling the first time I did mushrooms- I feel like I’ve done something bad but forgotten it. I feel like I left the room at some point, did something fucked up. I feel like I wandered outside, scared someone, that I was just hallucinating the room around me. This is like all of my mushroom nightmares. I am haunted by the thought that there will be serious consequences from this trip. It takes all of my mental effort to avoid having a total freak out, I am skirting the edge of a complete and utter meltdown. I feel awful, I feel like I have doomed my whole life, that I am suffering right now and I am condemned to a future of suffering. I feel myself being exposed to a million multiverses, all variations on this universe, all with substantially less suffering- I am being taunted, it is being rubbed into my face that this life is not ideal and there are lives where I have it better but I am locked out of all of them. I have made about 10 pacing laps of my room at this point, and look out of the window again to see: The exact same scene-literally the same image of the same bus with the same person. Aw fuck, I broke time. The panic gives way to confusion. I begin to come to the conclusion that I have been trapped in a trick room via loops. The looping thoughts serve as my chains, and I am stuck in a room that defies the laws of physics, space and time as I once knew them have become completely irrelevant. Time speeds up and slows down and stops and starts up again randomly here. The room is at times so tiny I feel as though I won’t fit, at other times it is immense, and stretches infinitely in every direction. A wall looks like receding space, open space looks like a flat surface with an image of my room printed on it. I don’t know which direction anything is in, or what directions even are. On top of my panic from before, I am now submerged in a raging river of confusion. I feel like nothing I knew before matters now, that my entire existence has been redefined, that the physics that governed earth and existence have broken. I am trapped, confused, on the verge of breaking down, I still can’t tell if music is playing or if I’m imagining it. I just don’t know anything. I lie on my bed, I feel so sick, so tired, I want this all to end. I am not sure if I am going to die or not, I feel a distinct malevolence trapping me here, like all the times I did mushrooms. But more on that later. At times I feel better, I feel like its going to end soon, or become a more positive experience, but this only lasts a short time before I am dunked back into it. It feels like my head is encased in wobbling jelly that jumbles up every input. I look out of my window and see a different scene, and this fills me with relief- I feel like I have been released from an awful psychological prison.

T3:00-After some hours of being mentally tortured, of looping and time weirdness and near panic and fear and complete confusion, I am finally and slowly drifting down. It feels like I am underwater, slowly floating to the surface, currents tossing me around beneath the surface. Towards the tail end of the trip I am just feeling burnt, the DXM still makes my limbs feel like wet noodles, the acid makes concentric patterns dance on every surface, I feel a bit sick but ok, I am out of the darkness, I am okay.

Post trip:

Later that night, about T12:00 I begin to analyze the trip, my feelings, the forces involved. In all of my most recent psychedelic experiences I have come in contact with malevolent forces, I have felt definite harmful presences and I begin to contemplate what they may be. I identified two harmful forces:

Mushroom Death- Mushroom death is formless, infinitely malevolent and destructive, a swirling ravaging being who cannot even control itself. It tries to hide itself, it tries to strike when I won’t notice it. Mushroom death is black mycelium burrowing into my brain, blanking out my thoughts and scrubbing holes in my mind. Mushroom death breathes stagnant blood, mushroom death is the blood thickening in my veins into paste. Mushroom death is panic and doubt, mushroom death tells me that I have fucked up, that the room around me is fake, that I have committed some grave error and forgotten it. Mushroom death only comes to me when I am on psychedelics. I first felt mushroom death when I did mushrooms+25c+MDMA and I thought I was having a stroke. Mushroom death was not too malevolent at that point, merely evil, but has grown more and more evil. Mushroom death glares down on me, traps me with loops and drives me to madness. Mushroom death wants me to kill myself.

“Mental Illness”- “Mental Illness” is deformed, tangled pallid flesh, the orifices strikingly blood red. “Mental illness” is a heavy breather, has many teeth, it is perpetually afraid yet violent. “Mental illness” is not malevolent, “Mental illness” has no mind or consciousness, it is a creature. It is a parasite that feeds off of my internal conflict, its awful sinewy body unravelling from the battle between narcissism and self-loathing, feasting on thoughts of suicide and paranoia. It drives these thoughts and feeds off of them, using my mind like a farm. “Mental illness” merely wants to exist, like any creature. “Mental illness” exists at all times, a pulsing mass of stinking corpse flesh, though it becomes most apparent while I am on psychedelics. “Mental illness” will feed on me for the rest of my life. It cannot be killed.

As I was coming down I played videogames with a friend for like 5 hours. When I opened my laptop again I found an opened word doc I don’t even remember writing titled “how do I feel today”. It said:

“Todays trip felt like having my head dunked under water and someone held it down

I saw the same scene outside my window across a large span of time--- trapped in an illusion/trick room?? Room exhibited strange properties….. stil visuals as helck wobbly too

It felt more like a mushroom trip

How associations bounced off of one another, I grew confidence in my ability to predict my own actions

Every thought would generate a tangible copy, and I was the arbiter of whether to play on the tangibiligy of each thought-

A constant struggle, having to tackle thoughts one at a time to decide their obejective truth and whether to discard them or account them based on that

I saw the same septa bus outside my window after a seemingly long span

Time was looping there was a lot of looping

“

LSD

Age:19

Weight-130 lbs

Dose-5 tabs LSD, ~500-800 micrograms

T0:00- I set out to the midst of the city with the goal of having a powerful psychedelic experience in a bustling place surrounded by people and society. I was a little stoned as I set out, looking for a safe place to inconspicuously unwrap foil and pop 5 very strong tabs into my mouth. I also had to go to the bathroom really badly. This concluded in me taking the tabs in the stall of a very crowded public bathroom. After this I set off to walk towards one of the rivers that ran by the city. I wanted to smoke a little as I came up, because that always acted to my benefit. By the time I reach the river I can feel the drug flow through my veins with burgeoning intensity. Patterns began to appear in the sky before me and form out of the sunlight reflecting off the water. I was shivering and shaking violently.

T1:00- I find a nice lonely sidewalk by the highway and walk up and down smoking my one hitter with impunity. This has the predicted effect of strengthening the trip, yet also tempering some of the physical intensity- as though it’s been splashed with color after having its edges sanded down. I decide to sit down in a park and draw in my sketchbook.

T1:30- I station myself in a nice secluded place in the grass and begin to draw as the sun breaks through the clouds. The sunbeams explode onto me with the most glorious and dazzling light possible. I can feel the glistening rays with every one of my senses, it’s spectacular in every way imaginable. The light sounds like an angelic chorus. As I draw, I become obsessed with the quality of my lines, the power imbued in each line rather than the holistic image. I try to create a sort of chaotic coherency by placing lines at random and trusting that my elevated state would subconsciously allow me to arrange them in a beautiful, harmonious, and coherent image. Eventually, the lines become cathartic- through a visual-auditory synesthesia I can hear each line scream as I forcefully drag them on the page. Graceful lines become jagged screaming marks, each one circling and contorting with explosive release. I want to be physically screaming out loud, but I still have the judgment to not do that, as I am in public.

T2:00- I am tired of this activity. I want to experience more of the world around me. I begin to hike from the river towards downtown. Unfortunately, this involves passing through one of the most affluent areas of the city. I am dressed in all black with a tattered jacket covered in paintings. I stick out like a sore thumb amongst the swarms of folks in suits and overpriced cardigans. This trek back to center city was exceedingly uncomfortable as I detected piercing stares in every direction. In reality, it was probably me misinterpreting passing glances, but in my state each glance felt like hours of daggers shooting from judgmental eyes. I eventually reach Chinatown, and a crowd of teenagers decked out in hot topic clothes and homestuck merch ask if they can hug me. I accept and then slink off, completely jarred by this social interaction.

T2:30-I go to a public park. I sit around people watching. It’s a lot of fun. Some people are sitting in circles playing some game, occasionally one of them stands up and shouts things. After extended observation it begins to feel almost rhythmic and patterned, it’s a very interesting background sound. In front of me a guy is dancing to dubstep. He is very lean and has beautiful chiseled muscles. His muscle control is incredible, he has 100% control over every minute movement he does. This is absolutely fascinating.

T3:00-I am tired. I am uncomfortable in public, lots of people are looking at me, or at least I suspect them of such. I want to go home. I make my way to the subway. Waiting around in the station is uneventful. On the subway I slump in my chair. I zone out and feel my eyes roll into my head, I must look like a drugged up mess to everyone on board. I become aware that I might be exaggerating my appearance for my attention. I keep looping through this thought, correcting myself before drifting off and become self-conscious again. I get off the subway and head home. The walk home is completely wiped from my memory.

T:4:00- I am home now. It’s comfortable, peaceful, and familiar. I break out the bong and take a huge rip as the sun sets. I had no idea what this would do to me. Especially this one hit- it is gigantic and milky, I seem to not feel the smoke entering my body and just continue to take more and more. This dose of cannabis is monstrous and I cough violently upon realizing just how much smoke is in my body.

T4:30-I start to feel a little funny. Usually smoking while tripping just kicks up the visuals a little bit or lessens the body load. This time however, it was much more. I was reading on my computer, but I soon noticed that words began to be incomprehensible, and soon the letters themselves morphed into illegible glyphs. I began to feel my body lightening and fading away. My sense of proportion became warped. Sounds began to echo and ricochet off each other in a visual space. My depth perception broke down as the room before me became a flat space being viewed from every direction at once, overlaid with gridlike patterns. I closed my eyes and faded into a space where all my senses were united in perceiving an odd shape that I couldn’t necessarily describe as 3-dimensional, as it broke all sorts of laws of perspective and depth. I was bodiless in this state, my entire existence was encompassed in this anomalous form. Interestingly, if I opened my eyes and willed myself to focus I could pull myself from this transdimensional (?) state and experience a very altered version of my sober reality (rather than a different reality altogether). My walls were twisting and warping in every direction and my room was simultaneously very small and very large. When I laid down I felt like I was flying. It was indescribably immaculate and trhilling, I don’t think I have ever felt better while under the influence of a drug. I fiddled my fingers and cried tears of joy at the complexity of strangeness of my hands. My nails tapped out rythyms on the walls and each tap resonated like ripples through the twisting and swirling room. I was twitching and contorting my body because it felt so amazing to feel the ways in which I could move this fleshy frame. At one point I twisted so hard It felt like my entire skeleton popped out alignment with one another. This feeling didn’t go away until much later that night. I pressed my outstretched hand against the wall and felt a torrent of energy enter my body from that point of contact. A concentric radiating pattern exploded out from that point. Though it was probably just a visual reaction based on the position of my arm, it felt as though I communed with some being through my wall and pulled energy from it. No words can really describe the immense bliss of this leg of the trip, I felt like I was at the apex of my life. Unlike the previous experience with MDMA and mushrooms where it was a very odd chemical bliss, this felt like a cognitive bliss that came from beautiful thoughts rather than being pumped with raw happiness.

T5:30-I leave the house to pick up my girlfriend from the train station. I am mostly down by now, save for a body high and light visuals. I haven’t had any social interaction for the past 6 hours so talking to her when she arrives feels very awkward. This eventually fades and gives way to a pleasant night.

Conclusion: This is the greatest trip I had ever had thusfar. I was in total control of myself and my thoughts the entire time but could let my mind drift off to my discretion. The entire experience felt like a lucid dream played out in reality. My room was my surrealistic paradise. The synergistic potentiation between weed and acid would become a refuge I would return to study often.

LSD ++ Mushrooms

CW: Suicide, Mental illness, existential terror, violence, loss of autonomy

Age:18

Weight-130 lbs

Dose-2 tabs LSD, 3.5 g mushrooms

T0:00-Took 2 tabs of acid in a beach house. Leave to go to the beach shortly after.

T1:00-Coming up on the acid on the beach-mostly slight body effects such as the familiar feeling of floating. There are shafts of light piercing through the clouds and the entire sky and sea are dancing with patterns. Colors are brighter and everything seems to have a rainbow sheen. Friends decide to go to a diner.

T1:30-Perception of sound is very strange in the diner with sounds phasing in and out around me with a sort of Doppler Effect. Patterns are swimming and swirling on every surface, people’s faces are slightly shifting. Everyone looks very very strange- although they are not deformed, it’s as if the human face as it is had suddenly stopped being a familiar and accepted image and became something strange and alien. After lunch I go into the bathroom, where the visuals have become quite apparent- the walls are swirling and swimming around me, pulsing and breathing with harmonious and flowing patterns.

T2:20-Leave the diner and go back to the house. I’m getting the awkward social interaction I usually get from acid where I’m hyper aware of my own voice and inflection and in doing so completely lose a sense of how to use tone or inflection properly. Sunlight is filtering in through the windows, colorful rainbow wood grain patterns breathe and emboss themselves on the walls, I feel floaty, confident, euphoric, and my jaw is clenching. I feel awkward and am having trouble articulating sentences and finding the right words to use, so I retire to a quiet hallway to draw pictures by myself.

T4:00-The acid trip is tailing off. I can really only feel the physical effects anymore. Visuals and emotional effects are only noticeable if I try to notice them. At this point we’re waiting for the sun to go down so we can smoke weed. My social skills have mostly returned and I feel comfortable and euphoric in the presence of friends.

T5:00-The sun is down. We are preparing to go to the beach to smoke. I decide now is the time to take my mushrooms. I eat them with orange juice as a chaser across a period of about 15 minutes and then head to the beach. We struggle to light the bowl in the strong winds but eventually find a way and smoke several bowls.

T5:20-I sit down on the beach and stare out into the vast ocean. I can feel my body growing heavier and numbing away as the visuals begin to pick up. Tessellated spiral patterns mirror themselves on the sand and my entire field of vision appears to be mirroring itself and repeating. The light of boats on the horizon are beaming and swirling into the sky. I go back to where my friends are and sit down as they have intense and serious discussions about politics. I wish I could’ve participated but my brain was processing their words in a way that was ineffective for response and comprehension. Whenever I would talk, my voice would sound isolated and dreamy before trailing off into nothing.

T5:40-The conversation has shifted to the future, the scope of human progress, the entirety of humanity and its fate, the scope of our universe, of time, of everything leading up to now and everything to come. This is an amazing conversation to be having while on mushrooms and I am more actively and eagerly participating. Human constructs come up a lot, and there is a lot of talk about a new paradigm built from radical reinvention of what we consider human, about utterly dismantling every social and cultural construct and society built anew, aided by technology. As they discuss this, I look to the sky- rippling, pulsing, and exploding with the energy of time and the potential of the future. The town in the distance glows with glorious artificial light of the modern human, the entire earth is expanding around us. The great sky and the expanse of space above me, the vastness of nature on one side, the monuments of humanity on the other. I feel like a small little being on this great planet as it hurtles through time and space. As we talk, my friends begin to glow with auras, my depth perception fails and my entire vision is one flat plane with my friends amidst a sea of swirling, spinning dancing fractals and astral forms.

T6:10-I stand up because I need to pee really badly. Everything is downhill from here. Once, several months ago, I took Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds, and ever since then I’ve been afflicted with an occasional pulsing, tingling pain and a numbness on the inside of my thighs and all down my legs. I think I caused permanent vasoconstrictive damage. I feel it again this time, but very intense, probably from sitting in the same position with my legs folded for so long. I walk to the sea to pee in it. As I stumble forward with my throbbing aching legs I get the worst feeling of ominous premonition. I feel déjà vu, like I’ve experienced this in a dream, and it was my final moments. The patterns in the sand carved by the waves begin to mirror and swirl and tessellate to infinity. Each step feels like I’m stepping not on sand but on something solid, like wood, and it feels like the blood is hardening inside my body. I have had premonitions and feelings of coming death while tripping before, and each time it is accompanied by a swirling metallic sound, a sort of whining, with swings in pitch, and each step I take, that dizzying noise fills my ears and bounces around the sounds of the waves. This is it. This is my final trip. This is the one that kills me. I have deep vein thrombosis, my blood will clot in my legs and I will collapse into the sea and die. Normally I can keep calm while feelings of death come on, I accept it as a consequence of my actions, and even while I think that, it still triggers a physical panic response in me. As I pee, my friend runs around me, saying all sorts of things, I forget what they were and they were most likely friendly in nature, but I construe them as negative and malicious.

T6:20-I still don’t feel like I’ve totally lost control. I go back to where my friends are. The word bad trip is coming in my mind, I can feel the tendrils of ill thoughts, infinite loops, and unstoppable chains of negative ideas seeping into my brain, spreading like a cancer. Have you ever played the game with someone where you keep putting your hands on top of one another, infinitely topping each other? That is what my thoughts were doing, flowing from infinity right into one another, each one building on the last in an infinite untraceable stream, and I would keep having to cut off the chain of thought when the negativity began to creep in, cut if off before it consumed me. This was only sort of effective. We begin to walk back to the house. I need to get back, I need to lie down, I need somewhere warm and calm and safe to gather myself before things get worse. One vivid visual I remember is my friend running towards me. He seemed like he was going absurdly fast, like in an old movie. As he ran, his face multiplied until his entire body was just his face over and over again in the shape of his being. This was then replaced by his hands, until he became a running mess of extremities. As we walk back, I begin to have the racing thoughts of memories I get while on tryptamines. Only unlike other times, where every memory is warm and pleasant, these ones are cold and unwelcoming, I can only think of how uncomfortable I have been, how tedious every moment of existence is, how I will never feel good or comfortable and never have. I can only think about the cold negativity of every moment of my past, the bad drowning out any good. My heart has been racing this entire time.

T6:40-We get back inside. I do not recall what happened much, I remember walking around the house. I wasn’t in full suffering mode yet, but was facing a brutal existential crisis. Everything feels so wrong, so uncomfortable, there is so much suffering in the world and everyone feels so much suffering, and there is no way to avoid it. Any potential future I envision is filled with more tediousness, more unfulfilling mediocrity, more pain, more draining crushing depression and debilitating self-loathing. It’s completely inescapable and all I can do is laugh at my total despair. I sit next to a table, it looks alive, it feels alive, I can sense a life force in it. The corner looks like a huge grinning mouth. Normally while tripping I can appreciate the beauty in that, but in this instance my racing negative thoughts are giving me a headache and this living table is just a reminder of what I have done to myself. It only serves to incite even more painful thoughts.

T7:00- I sit in a room. A large group of people are having a spirited discussion about something I know a good bit about. I wish I could join but I can barely form words at this point. I feel even worse about this, I feel stupid and useless, I feel like I am condemned to always be stupid I useless. I am the fool, the jester who decided to take too many drugs in the presence of people who were content with weed and alcohol, the dunce who decided to silence himself and stifle his own thoughts in pursuit of hedonism. I sit and listen, barely comprehending the English language, before the discomfort and painful thoughts boil over. All I can think about is suffering. There is so much human suffering. In history people have experienced such incredible pain, physical, mental, emotional, and so often at the hands of the malice of others. And what could they do about it? They certainly weren’t able to stop themselves from feeling that pain, because it happened, because suffering is real and unavoidable, especially when some are purposely trying to inflict it on others. And I certainly wouldn’t be able to stop any suffering that came my way. I was lucky, I was fortunate that nothing terrible ever happened to me, I was lucky that I had never been dismembered or set on fire or beaten or tortured or maimed in a car accident, but it was such a fine line between my current life and that. And I was powerless. Completely and utterly powerless to stop any of that. And I was powerless to stop myself thinking about it, I had unwittingly opened a new paradigm, one where I could understand nothing but suffering, where every moment was experienced relative to the potential suffering I could be experiencing. So many terrible painful things could happen. I remember vividly, someone could run into this house, some madman, find me on the floor, rip off my fingernails, crush my limbs, splinter my bones, splatter my muscles, rip my organs apart, and what the fuck could I do to stop them? I was so vulnerable, I was so weak, I was so powerless, and because of that, incredible suffering felt inevitable, I had a premonition that my life in the future would be suffering I couldn’t even imagine at the current time.

T7:30-I run upstairs, I feel sick, I feel like my body is shutting down and I am losing control of my organs. I lock myself in the bathroom. I spend the next half hour sitting on the toilet, wishing this could end. Why did I do this, why did I ever enjoy tripping? I feel as though this trip has opened my eyes to a realm of anguish the likes of which I had never seen before. I would never be able to view the world in a pleasant away again, I had doomed myself to a bleak life of knowing only the yawning and infinite chasm of despair that I had dared to gaze into. I sat on the toilet, shaking violently, wanting to escape this burden of existence somehow, though I knew death would not even be an escape. Literally everything I could think about was crawling with negativity, there was a downside to every possible option that overpowered and destroyed any potential good side. My thoughts were racing and every single one hurt. I begin to imagine every fleeting moment, how exact and precise every occurrence in the world was. Normally, while tripping, I would appreciate the beauty of this, like thinking about a certain thing in a certain situation, how that would happen just once, and never happen again, how every specific instance swirled forth from the chaos. But instead of appreciating each moment, I cried in the tragedy of their fleetingness and their death, and in mourning for the astronomical amounts of moments that would never ever happen ever, for the ones that never did happen, for the ones that weren’t happening, for the ones that happened and never will happen again. The unfulfilled desires that would be impossible to ever fulfill, the missed opportunities and pereptual failures. I heard voices from downstairs having the same spirited discussion, and again and again I hear my name coming from downstairs, they’re talking about me, they know I fucked up, etc etc (I doubt anyone actually said my name once). I suddenly realize, what if someone else wants to use this bathroom? I decide to suffer in my existential crisis out in the hallway. People come upstairs and find me for the first time. Despite me saying I’m okay, they can tell something is wrong, and offer to bring me water. They are nothing but friendly, loving, accommodating. I feel sick, but this calms me down a bit.

T8:00- I go back downstairs for some awkward social interaction. My speech and language capabilities are still subpar, and I am having great difficulty explaining how I feel, what I just felt, and making conversation in general. My memory fails me as my thoughts jump and chain around, causing me to lose track of conversations mid-sentence. Visuals are dying down, but the perspective and size of the room still feels totally out of whack.

T8:30- More friendly, loving, caring interaction slowly pulls me out of the negative chains of thought. I am no longer meticulously and consciously thinking and wrangling every bit of stimulus and every action. My automatic thought returns and it’s a huge burden off my mind. My thoughts are no longer blossoming into toxic tendrils of negative possibilities and wicked pain and a bleak and hopeless future, they now blossom into warmth and considerations of a pleasant future and good things to come. The storm has passed, the sickness is over.

T10:00-I smoke more. Nothing to note, everything has calmed down, people are going to bed, I am still wired from the acid and stay up later. I feel confident, warm, happy, and energetic. I  thoroughly clean the house while everyone is sleeping just to make myself useful and make up for being an incoherent basket case most of the night.

T12:00-I lie down to sleep. Visuals are still slightly playing if I pay attention to them-a rippling of everything that looks like the waves of heat rising off a hot surface. I eventually fall asleep.

Psilocin + Ketamine

Age:18

Weight: 125 lbs

Dosage: ~30 mg Psilocin oral in solution, …”a lot” of ketamine insufflated

Setting: Around Fairmount Park

T0:00-I walk to my special tripping place-a park in Philly with a secluded bit hidden away along train tracks. I chug down the bottle of vile moldy tryptamine water. I almost throw up. I sit down and smoke a bowl and wait for the come up.

T0:30-I begin feeling the first effects. This wasn’t a rapid onset like my last experience with this chemical. The world around me begins to look brighter, I start to get that usual psychedelic feeling of my body losing its weight and its physical form. I feel light, my flesh slowly replaced by a sort of buzzing feeling. I am sitting on railroad ballast and broken glass, the ballast begins to breathe and warp and swirl beneath me as colors grow brighter.

T0:50-I can feel the tryptamine wave building within me getting ready to break-now is the time. I pull out my little premeasured packet of K and suck it all up.

T1:10-The tryptamine has broken over. The sounds of the road above me swirl together into an abstract mess of roars, hums, buzzes, and echoing reverberations. The trees are beginning to twist into repeating fractals, mirroring themselves over and over. And my body-I can feel my body slowly fading and fading, movement is becoming more difficult as my limbs begin to feel numb and like wet noodles.

T1:30-Everything has hit full force now. The ketamine has locked me curled into a ball. I can move, but I see no reason to. I cannot tell if my eyes are opened or closed. My entire world is a strange flat bliss composed chunks of my surroundings. In this flat image that composes my entire existence are bits of railroad ballast…snippets of dreams and memories…images of myself from first and third person… trees, my existence is this flat collage of my experience. I am not viewing it, it is literally everything. I don’t have a body or some external form to view it from, thus it is everything and I am it. The only bit of stimulus that remains independent from this is sound-freight trains come by every so often and my existence becomes consumed by the sound of their wheels screeching on the tracks, tearing through my mind. My existence is a collage of experiences punctuated by the sound of tons of metal blasting along more metal, jarring me to my core.

T2:00-I am ruminating on this experience, why is this different from a sober state, what is different about this? This is a common path of thought I entertain myself with while under heavy influences. Well for one I cannot feel my body. It is completely numb, I am not aware of having a body, and I am not aware of where any of my limbs are or where any part of my body is in relation to another part. I am curled into this vulnerable little ball in a park under a bridge. Two, I am barely aware of the world around me. I am trapped in my mind, and it is an alien mind. All my thoughts are hyperamplified to the point where subconscious performance of actions becomes impossible. Normally, if I wanted to walk, I would just walk, no thought. In this state, if I wanted to walk, I had to explicitly think about walking, what action I need to perform, to override the nonstop torrent of thought. And the thoughts, oh my god my thoughts. I only remember such relentless thinking from my first and most powerful mushroom experience. One thought flowed into another with such swiftness and efficiency that I couldn’t stop and think to another thought process. One thought would be related to another, and that would blossom into more related thoughts, and so on, with absolutely no pause, not a beat skipped. I literally could not consciously think what I wanted, I was at the mercy of this maelstrom of thought, floating on its tempestuous surface as they dragged me around and tossed me about.

T2:30-I begin to regain a sense of my surroundings. My thoughts are still moving a mile a minute, but I can rein them in now. I can think what I want, and though the genesis of that thought is in my control, it quickly begins to blossom and bloom like before into chains of thought that if I don’t try to lasso them in, grow out of control and prevent me from performing normal processes. I stand up and try to walk. I feel like I am on a rocking boat, every step wavers and shakes me about. I still have no idea where my body parts are in relation to one another. My limbs feel out of proportion and I have to look to make sure I know where they are. I leave my safe place and get ready for my next big challenge.

T2:45-Before me is a very busy road. It’s rush hour. There’s no light or crosswalk or anything. Just timing. The speed limit is about 50, cars are moving very fast. This is a huge challenge for someone who can barely stand up. Everything dances with color and each car leaves a trail behind it. I have trouble telling how far away they are, my depth perception is completely skewed. I sit down on a rock and draw while waiting for the traffic to slow down. I can feel myself slowly coming down, but I’m still very up. I am mostly in control of my thoughts now though I can still feel them somewhat drifting astray. I still wobble like a drunk.

T2:55-I did it! I ran across the street! Okay now I am going to journey to the art museum, about a half mile’s walk. I wander in that direction. I feel the same sort of inflated confidence I felt coming down from the mystery tryptamine the first time. It feels great, I feel great.

T3:15-By the time I reach the art museum, that has worn off. Now I just feel tired and worn and still very numb and wobbly from the K. Some friends text me, I’m going to go meet them apparently.

T3:40-I’ve met friends. We’ve driven to a park. One of them wants to try K. We smoke a bowl and I cut him some. I want some more. In the process of measuring it out, I spill it. Everywhere. All over a wooden picnic table. It falls into the cracks, the wood grain, it’s impossible to get out. It dawns on me-I paid for this K, and there is only one way to get it out. I shrug, roll up a dollar, and suck all of it out like a vacuum cleaner.

T4:00-We decide to walk around the park. I can still walk fine, communicate fine. I can feel a rising feeling, I can feel myself starting to come up on the K. I feel lighter, number, and heavier. Everything begins to sound distant and my perception of this park becomes very screwy as objects appear to be really close or really far away when in fact they are neither (the fact that it’s night doesn’t help things). We walk to a gazebo only to find a naked man doing…something… in there…. We leave him in peace. We decide to get a blanket and have a picnic. Walking back, I can feel it full force, I feel like I am being dragged and tossed about on a ship in a storm as my body wobbles to and fro. My limbs feel like wet noodles. It feels a lot like DXM. My mouth feels completely numb so talking is very difficult. I think I babble out some words to my friends, I doubt they make sense. I sit down. I sink into my seat, my body feels like a tree or a statue. It is still, yet in motion, in its place. I am sitting still, but my essence is sloshing about in its stoic frame. The visuals kick in. The world begins to fill with high contrast, everything looks cartoony or cel-shaded. Then it begins to look like a painting, everything composed of sweeping swirling and flowing brush strokes. It looks like a van gogh painting-then the painting briefly gives way to feeling like I am made of icing, that I am composed of sloppy sweet sugary goodness. I get up and try to walk around more and it feels GREAT. I feel so in my head so my movement all feels so free and automatic, and it’s incredible. I drift around like a big wet sloppy ghost, the world a swirling impressionist painting/cartoon around me. I fall over a lot and have to hold onto things for balance and safety. We eventually decide to leave the park.

T4:30-I get in the car after much bodily struggle and lie down in the back. This is such beautiful nostalgia, I feel like my first times on weed. It reminds me of back in the day when I’d get REALLY high, too high to function normally, but I would still go out and try to function, and it was amazing. Such beautiful nostalgia… I miss everything so much… Anyways.

T4:40-I sit in the back of the car. The speakers are behind my head. I don’t recognize any of my surroundings despite us driving through familiar places. I am enraptured in the music, it is everything. We get water ice. It tastes alright I guess. We hang out in the parking lot until we meet another friend. At this point I’m already feeling kinda down, there is just numbness in my body and still a lack of knowing where my limbs are.

T5:00-I’m mostly down now. I feel residual effects of the ketamine for the next 3 hours, but not anything too remarkable.