eh

Things have been slowing down if any of you may have noticed
I've found myself extremely busy this summer with quite an assortment of activities

I had an experience that really truly shook my to my core and really made me question what the hell I was still doing. Hadn't I had enough? What was I gaining anymore?

This lifestyle isn't sustainable in the context of the world we live in, unless you're Sasha and Anne. My living situation is about to become akin to house arrest and careful 24/7 monitoring anyways so its not like my studies will be able to continue effectively. Most of my associates have also realized the unsustainability of such a lifestyle, especially amidst the turmoil that is hitting the DNMs right now.
Consider this an indefinite hiatus.... I'm still doing drugs, but for fun, for augmentation of specific contexts. I do not really intend to pursue experimentation and trip reports for a long time coming. I've found myself losing interest and motivation and just being burned out in general.

I have 2-3 reports still coming, I've been slogging through writing them and they are all months overdue. Hopefully I'll have those up within the next month but who knows, I'm a lazy ass.

Stay safe, I'm still here if anyone has any questions.

edit: lol some things have entered my periphery that I would love to experiment with.... If only my living situation was more conducive to that... it'll be back one day

4-AcO-MiPT

Age: 21

Weight: 125 lbs

Dosage: 30 mg oral in gel cap

Setting: My apartment

T0:00- Dose measured out and taken. Powder has an odor reminiscent of acetic acid.

T0:15- Onset. Simultaneously a mental and physical sense of uneasiness.

T0:40- The uneasiness builds. It is as though I am dangling over a yawning, swirling void, its depths are ostensibly familiar yet I feel as though I cannot truly fathom what they contain. There is a great unknown lurking before me and I feel that galloping anxiety in my heart that precedes any trip. It feels like my limbs are smearing and warping into all the wrong places. The experience feels like it’s creeping up on me, slowly crawling over my mind like an amoeba, one little pseudopod at a time.

            I go outside and smoke a joint in the scavenged bathtub in my backyard. This kicks up the visuals quite a bit. The swirls of stucco on the wall above me morph into the twisting sinews of fish, snakes, and eels, writhing their way through a glittering stained-glass ocean. Corals and algae and diatoms begin to form in the interstices between them and wriggle through the vibrant sea. A colorful ecosystem has presented itself before me.

            I feel very mentally stimulated. I’m in a mood where I just want to read and learn about as much as possible, I want to inject information into my eyes and keep it in the vault of my skull forever. I find myself fascinatedly clicking every link I can on facebook, taking great interest in every little detail of a wide assortment of random articles, emphasizing deeply with each. The experience is at once profound and rational, stringing my mind along to explore depths I could not have imagined delving into before. I am outside in the air surrounded by plants and life and the soaring sky, but I find myself engrossed in my laptop and trapped in a long chain of links. I find myself getting swarmed by mosquitoes so I decide to go inside. My consciousness feels energized and enhanced.

T1:00- I am back in my bedroom now. The trip is swirling and nauseating- it feels like I am underwater. The visuals swirl and warp and blur my surroundings and it appears like there is a rippling surface high above me, backlighting the silhouettes of creatures gracefully swimming above. I am weightless and slowly drifting with the current, the waters wrapping around my languid body and dragging it along. It feels like I am SCUBA diving, but without all the uncomfortable and heavy gear digging into me. Overall, the trip feels watery. I don’t physically feel watery, like sweating a lot or having to urinate, it is just a sense of being surrounded on all sides by a cold, warping, rippling and pulsing sensation like the subtle motions of currents beneath the surface.

            I put on music and feel a great deal of appreciation of it, the sounds being harmonious and reverberant. Each note sounds perfectly placed, each tone resonates with vibrancy and depth. The elements of the music flow alongside one another and are distinct and discernible, yet at the same time they coalesce and unite into one glorious mosaic. I continue to read for a good while, taking in more and more information like a sponge. I am a filter feeder in this sea, picking out little particles of information from the tides swelling past me.  I am shaking a great deal and feel absolutely fantastic. This is much more euphoric than its close cousin, 4-HO-MiPT. I want to socialize and share this feeling with others, it’s a profound warmth with a touch of that overwrought empathogenesis, but not too much. I just feel excited about everything. The nausea stirs in my gut but its not too much of an issue.

T1:30- I am still lying on my bed. I have been reading grim tales of the consequences of radioactive pollution in Russia. The mood of the stories seems to be reflected on the grey drizzly day outside.  I lie on my stomach to try and quell the continuing nausea- it has been consistently coming in waves throughout the experience. I am awash with a queasy twisting feeling, like parts inside of me are twitching out of place and flapping around while encased in my flesh. The visuals are touched with even more color now and everything feels faint and dreamy. It is only my bodily discomfort that seems to ground me. I am still reading a lot and taking in as much information as I can as little tremors tickle their way around my limbs and joints.

T2:00- I am shaking so much, this is not really a good drug for just lounging around my room- it seems better suited to something with a great deal of physical activity, like walking around a lot or going for a swim. I begin talking to some of my friends on chat and feel a perceived heightened emotional depth. Like I am able to empathize flawlessly with their emotional states and respond in accordance to that. The conversations are deep and honest and don’t appear to be fraught with any specific transgressions. It feels like I am able to speak on the same wavelengths as the minds of my friends, as if I am providing a secondary version of them that they can bounce ideas and thoughts off of. This of course, may have been a hallucinated sense of empathy, a hallucinated sense of social competence, but the results seem to hint at some degree of proper understanding.

T3:15- I go out back and smoke some more. I feel dreamy and wavy still, like my entire world is being viewed through a very gently curved funhouse mirror. I lie down, appreciating the moist air and the darkening sky. The leaves are repeating themselves and pulsing with cool colored polychrome auras, and the forms of great vitreous serpents wind their way through the sky. Eventually it begins to rain so I go back inside.

T6:00- I am mostly down now. Despite feeling quite social and friendly earlier, it feels as though that has burnt out and I just want to be left alone to ruminate on the trip. Eventually however, I decide to hang out with my roommate as I haven’t in a while. Socializing face to face feels a bit awkward, as it always does after spending a whole trip alone- it’s like readjusting to room temperature water after spending all day in a hot tub- it initially comes as a shock, it’s awkward and immobilizing, but eventually I am able to fully immerse and acclimate myself again. We smoke more but at this point I feel like I am just getting stoned.

T10:00- Go to sleep without issue.

Conclusion- This may now take the throne as my new favorite psychedelic (behind LSD of course). The headspace is nothing short of delightful- it’s whimsical, empathogenic, and feels overall like a pleasant dream. It’s mentally stimulating and makes me want to do things, learn things, absorb information and stimuli for no reason other than the joy of knowledge. The sensory effects aren’t too powerful but still enjoyable and interesting, particularly in the way that they seem to be living, writhing creatures. The bodyload is a bit rough, at least when sitting still, but I found on a later date that walking around and staying active throughout the trip alleviates it to a degree. The empathogenic effects at the tail end of the peak were also a perk, hearkening to my experiences with 4-AcO-MET. Overall I found it very similar to 4-HO-MiPT, in that the essence of the trip was an ostensibly similar creeping feeling that gave way to deep mental stimulation and rational insight, with very organic visuals. The visual aspect of 4-AcO-MiPT presented as being “larger” and less intricate than it’s 4-HO counterpart, and 4-AcO-MiPT presented a unique empathogenic expert that its sibling lacked. 

AL-LAD

Age: 21

Weight: 125 lbs

Dosage: 200 µg sublingual

Setting: Woods, train tracks, around the city, my apartment

T0:00- Dose the tabs while waiting for a bus so I don’t dose too late. Ride the bus out to my favorite tripping spot- a park out near the river.

T0:25- Feeling the onset while on the bus- everything appears light and shimmery. I get off and walk to my destination, each step light and buoyant as the world seems to fry with colors around me.

T0:44- There are now sparkling stationary visuals in the sky, though they are mostly colorless. I am feeling a slight nausea, it’s certainly manageable though. There is a restless stimulation in my limbs- I have to be up and moving. Sitting still is very uncomfortable.

T1:00- I smoke a joint before getting up to run around in the woods. The forest feels like a big playground, with logs and plants to navigate my way through and climb and jump over. I practice my spatial awareness by mapping the tangled network of trails through the forest in my mind, running through them and retracing them to create a detailed map in my head. There is a large Memorial Day BBQ in the park nearby and the heavy bass of the live DJ resonates constantly through the grey air. The leaves and trees and dirt around me are all moving in a way that makes it appear as they are composed of thousands of little crawling creatures. The restless feeling in my body has given way to a pleasurable dry burn, it’s a warm comfort pressing on me from all sides. I feel absolutely great.

            Running around in the woods, I am stricken by an almost tear-jerking sense of nostalgia and longing. It reminds me of my days as a teenager romping around in the woods with my friends, looking for snakes and making campfires. It must be the smell of the Japanese Knotweed and the mud around me and the towering maple trees above and the dappled sunlight as it filters through the leaves and clouds. I am blissful here and the shifting light locks its fingers around the visuals, creating a most harmonious interplay.

T1:20- I am processing everything calmly, critically, neutrally and very rationally, but still with a twinge of emotion. The same longing and nostalgia crawls all over my mind, but I am approaching that raw emotional state quite rationally- what combination of memories and sensory information is making me feel this way? What is this feeling composed of? Why does this sensory input make me feel this way? I find myself carefully turning everything over in my mind, questioning and rationalizing everything I can. Every moment and every thought feels so profound and worthy of consideration, I feel both irradiated and radiant.

            The visuals are still somewhat faint, they pulse and ripple and are quite flashy. It’s as if the entire world is composed of a gently strobing light. They are not particularly prominent or in my face, they are simply decoration on what so far feels like a very cognitive trip. There are no apparent patterns or structures. I generally just feel warm and friendly, I want to socialize even though the experience continues to climb.

T1:45- I am stricken with a sudden sense of adventure and exploration. I don’t want to wander around familiar woods anymore, I want to set out and discover something new, I want to plunge into the unknown. I decide to follow the freight tracks farther than I ever have before. I feel spacy and cautious- as I wander further and further from people and civilization I begin to realize that anything could be lurking out here, there are not witnesses or anything.  Anyone could do anything to me. I am very on edge. I find a nice rock overlooking the tracks and take a break to perch up there. Anyone could sneak up from behind me and crack my skull or slit my throat and I would be out before I even noticed. One could say that I was being a bit paranoid. I pick up a railroad spike for protection.

            The visuals have become much more apparent now. They are foliate patterns, radiating fronds flashing in green and deep violet. They unfurl and join together to form soft reliefs on every surface, carefully sculpted friezes that adorn the earth and sky. They are striped with light and dark gaussian bands that swing rhythmically through their forms, splashing their contours with color. The bricks and rocks making up the railroad bridges and tunnels and walls around me appear to be sculpted and carved with patterns reminiscent of Mesoamerican structures. It is as though I am amidst ancient ruins, long ago conquered by moss and vines, their brilliant visages timidly peek out.

T2:00- After resting for a bit, I venture further and further into the woods. I am tripping pretty hard now, with the trees surrounding the train tracks forming a pulsing, telescoping tunnel that flashes with alternating peristaltic oscillations of light and dark. The trees come off as sentient in this moment, as if they are watching over me, thinking about me, reacting to me. This idea does not seem too far-fetched when they are mirroring one another and rhythmically pulsing like jellyfish. The whole world is repeating itself around me and all I can think about is how completely wiped out I feel in the midst of this. Everything appears faded and foggy.

            The visuals are still not very colorful, rather they are profound alterations of the world around me that seem to follow some esoteric biological guidelines that dictate the nature of their forms. My thoughts begin racing to accommodate this new paradigm and imagine the possibilities contained within a world where everything follows the self-replicating and self-preserving fundamentals of biology. The sense of the world buzzing with such vitality exudes warmth all around me.

            I feel manic and motivated to explore, it’s this desire to plunge in the unknown, peppered with an anxiety for what I may come upon in doing so. I find a cool swamp in the woods but panic and retreat when I hear footsteps in the distance- who may be all the way out here? I venture further down the tracks, coming upon a big rusty overgrown signaling structure spanning the tracks. I climb up upon it. This is extremely nerve-wracking- I am quite afraid of heights and the wet rickety and rusted ladder covered in vines does not come off as safe. I almost make it to the top before I realize that the catwalk is constructed from rotting wood that would surely not support me, dropping me 30 feet to the train tracks and railroad ballast below. Despite the overall warm numbness in my body and the dizzying sense of vitality, I still manage enough coordination to make it up and down the ladder safely. I suppose I can focus my mind and utilize it competently when I really need to.

           

T3:00- After wandering around aimlessly some more I meet up with my friend/roommate who was visiting the zoo nearby. I encounter a strange silent man who is aimlessly wandering around the tracks on the way back to meet him. He makes me nervous but pays me no attention. I meet my friend and I am eager to explore this realm with him, showing him around like a tour guide.  I am flushed with a sense of competence and pride, a rare confidence that is typically elusive in my life. Socializing feels awkward on my part however- I find myself stumbling over my words and forgetting them mid-sentence. It’s as though the part of my brain responsible for word recall and articulation has become fried and scrambled. I don’t really mind though. I’ve been collecting railroad spikes just for the hell of it and at this point my backpack is weighed down by about 40 pounds of rusted iron. Each step I take is labored. I take him out to the swamp and we hang out there and smoke more cannabis. We make conversation, each word presenting as earnest and intimate and deeply significant, though it really was just normal conversation. Smoking more makes the visuals more apparent- There are evident and bold patterns now, geometric designs interspersed with blocky human faces. They are still not very colorful. My mind is racing less now, it mostly feels worn and burnt out. I feel somewhat slower and I am still struggling with words. We eventually leave, and walking back we encounter that same mysterious man wandering aimlessly around the tracks. He disappears into the woods and I find myself muffled and muzzled by a nervous tension. Nothing comes of it though. We have to navigate down a steep rock face to re-enter civilization. I find myself coordinated and capable of descending it with ease, despite the great burden on my back.

T4:00- We walk to the subway station. My backpack clinks with its load and drags each step behind me. Being in public is manageable and I find it quite easy to ignore most strangers. My roommate and I discuss all variety of things, I do not feel the social confidence or burgeoning empathic energy I get while coming down from most psychedelics, and I at times find myself struggling to make conversation or relate.

5:00- We reach the subway station and I entertain myself with visuals dancing in the tiles and filth on the wall. They are the same fronds, angular and blocky leaf patterns, and faces that I was seeing earlier, though they are fainter now and still quite colorless.

           

T6:00- I arrive home and smoke a blunt with my friends. This does not seem to stir the dust much, it merely impairs me. We laze around for hours. I do not have that sort of sharpness of mind that psychedelics usually grant me- rather I am inhibited in my thoughts and speech. I feel mentally slower and incapable of much. I am burnt out and tired, my attempts at humor or being clever fall flat. The rest of the night is just spent lounging and smoking weed, not really doing or accomplishing much. We watched “The Office” for a while, which was utterly strange to me. I am not really one for sitcoms and seeing one in this state was profoundly odd.

T17:00- I fall asleep now without much issue.

Conclusion: AL-LAD has a distinctive lysergamide warmth in the bodyfeel, like a clinging and pressing numbness from all sides that fills my core with euphoria. The headspace was nostalgic, rational, and analytical, showing therapeutic potential in the mindful and logical approach to emotions. The sensory effects were quite marked, though not overwhelming or particularly unique other than a lack of color. The comedown was not like LSD, it was draining and dull and quite understimulating. Overall it’s an enjoyable substance, the differences between it and LSD are subtle but definitely noticeable for me at least.

4-HO-DET

Age: 21

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 30 mg Oral

Setting: My apartment

T0:00- Dosed

T0:15- Onset. I am beginning to shake a good bit. Mentally it feels like a sort of soft psychedelic drowsiness with pangs of some deep primal anxiety.

T0:30- I am lying on my bed and amidst its immaculate comfort, the drowsiness has turned into a full and gentle sedation. I am locked in place and I have little intention of even attempting to move. My mattress is soft and it swallows me whole. I have chills and my eyelids feel heavy. I could fall asleep here. My fingertips feel numb save for a gentle pulsing tapping sensation.  

T1:00- Not really feeling much other than that same sedation and that sort of mental heaviness/heat that comes with psychedelics. No visuals or other noteworthy effects. A nauseous feeling has become much more apparent.

T1:25- I believe I am beginning to peak now. Visuals begin to appear, they are light but apparent. They manifest as somewhat indistinct stationary patterns, soft, organic, and harmonious. There is noticeable music appreciation now. I smoke some cannabis and this fleshes out the visuals further, inundating them with vibrant chroma- everything white is splashed with pulsing concentric stripes of color.

T1:40- I feel unnaturally warm and I am shaking quite a bit. I close my eyes and am greeted by more vague, indistinct shapes zooming towards me. They fly directly into my face, startling and energetic. When I open my eyes, there is a gradual fade back into reality, the room around me slowly generating itself from the void as though it is blossoming forth from a tangle of crawling vines.

With eyes opened, the visuals look like tessellated swarms of multicolored little winged creatures, entwined in an undulating dance on my ceiling, their bold eyespots raining a vibrant gaze down upon me. Their appendages are frilly and feathery, interlocking and overlapping to hold them all together in a harmonious tangle. Cognitively, the drug feels sedating and rather boring, there simply isn’t much to it. None of the rapidfire chains of thoughts or insatiable curiosity or calculating rationality, I am certainly not lucid or sober by any means, it’s just a dulled down mode of thought that almost seems to inhibit me from engaging in any task I may desire.

T2:00- Still drifting aimlessly through the peak of the experience. I feel understimulated and bored. I am laying on my bed doing literally nothing. I try to browse the internet but nothing captures my interest. This experience overall feels mentally and emotionally quite shallow.

This may perhaps be the most sexual drug I’ve taken, and by that I mean that it’s one of the only ones where sexuality does not come off as entirely repulsive during the experience. Rather, it’s quite neutral- by no means an aphrodisiac.

It looks like there are paisley and rosette patterns adorning my skin, gently embossed into it and rippling with pools of color. I can hear my breathing and heartbeat and organs churning quite loudly. 

T2:40- A stronger physical discomfort has set in, a sort of twisting and throbbing pain at random points in my torso. I am trying to lie down but cannot find any position where I feel comfortable.

T3:00- This drug has proven to be quite dull. With many psychedelics, I can find entertainment simply in laying still, closing my eyes and meditating. I would usually find myself traveling through novel mechanisms and chains of thought, exploring colorful depths and worlds of visuals. I would find myself looking at the world in new ways, considering things from a more holistic perspective. Psychedelics usually make it entertaining just to sit there and do nothing. This however, offered no such concession- my idleness was a shadow looming above me, criticizing me for my inaction, for the fact that I dosed myself with something that sedated my mind to the point of impairment, that I wasted an afternoon that I could’ve spent doing something productive. It’s a feeling of psychedelic self-criticism that is marked by a scathing scorching harshness I had not felt since my days of exploring NBOMes in the depths of deep depressions. I am a wastrel, I am wasting precious time and precious energy doing nothing but sitting around on my laptop, not even doing something productive like learning, just sitting there.

I feel like this should motivate me to get up and do things, to make the night more fulfilling, but I simply cannot. I just don’t have the interest or energy to attempt any task. I don’t want to just be lying here, but it’s all I can do.  

T4:00- More time has passed with doing nothing, but that depression, draining, self-critical sense is slowly and gently passing. I am feeling more able to simply exist peacefully. The comedown is a gradual and gentle landing.

T6:30- I am mostly down by now, even when I smoke some more cannabis. I feel burned out after, it’s none of that usual mental stimulation and acuity I feel when coming down from psychedelics. It’s just a sense of overwhelming dullness.

Conclusion: This is perhaps one of the more boring psychedelics I have tasted. The experience does not lend itself to any meaningful thought processes or profound explorations of existence, rather it is a dull neutrality that I simply drifted through, gaining nothing. The sensory effects were colorful and vibrant, but not enough to make the overall experience stimulating. This could perhaps be attributed to a particularly dull set and setting, though many psychedelics manange to make lying on my bed with my eyes closed for long periods of time entertaining and profound. 

4-HO-EPT + Clonazepam + Etizolam

Age: 21

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 75 mg Oral

Setting: My apartment

Preface: I intended this to only be an experience with 4-HO-EPT, but it unfortunately went a bit off the rails and I had to abort it with benzodiazepines. 

T0:00- Take the capsule with lemon extract and ginger for the nausea.

T0:15- How odd... I am already feeling the substance coming on with great intensity. It's as if there was no gentle comeup, the onset was a plunge straight into the the opening shades of the peak. I feel light and giddy with some GI discomfort, but its nothing serious. I am beginning to shake quite a lot and visuals are beginning to appear.

T0:20- This feels equivalent to what I would call the peak for any other substance. Little did I know that this was still just the comeup, that this was just the foothills of the mountain I was unknowingly attempting to summit. I feel like I am accelerating exponentially into the experience. The abrupt intensity of it all is shocking to say the least. My entire existence is quaking with the raw force of it. The visuals have reached a point of interrupting my activities, obscuring my ability to read and warping my perceptions to make the room around me unrecognizable. It is as though I am viewing everything through conchoidal fractures in glass, everything warped by transparent concentric curves, accented with rainbows. My field of vision is splitting into blocks that separate and spin and twist and alter independent of one another, seemingly in competition to see which can baffle and confuse me the most. The edges of my vision begin to disintegrate to reveal a much wider, deeper, and alien world that is typically beyond my perception. Auditory effects present as flanging and echoing of the sounds around me, steadily increasing in pitch as they reverberate. It's as though the universe is laughing at me. That alien essence that lingers in the wings of my vision is rending my reality apart, and it finds this hilarious, it finds my growing panic and discomfort absurd. It is not malicious, but rather a laugh of pity at the ludicrousness of all that was occuring. Everything is moving, regardless of whether my eyes are open or not. It all feels so automatic and robotic, as though the blocks the world has been split into are acting on their own in accordance to some esoteric programming. Things are twisting and spinning, and soon my physical sense of self feels like it's being torn apart and manipulated by alien tendrils, tendrils made from strings of repeated quadrilaterals like that computer glitch where a window leaves a trail behind it when it’s dragged (https://i.stack.imgur.com/5RJGy.jpg), weaving their way out of the cracks in reality. They are each tipped with claws that pull apart my essence and pick apart my mind. There is no comfortable way to situate my body.

I feel like my neural processes have become mechanized, like my brain is a computer. The visuals have picked up beyond the point of mere distortions of the environment- vivid hallucinations are forming. A parade of fantastic spiny golden creatures circles in the air around my head. They advance solemnly, as though they are marching to battle. My mind continues to click and unform itself, as though it is being deconstructed more and more, reduced to the raw physical mechanisms of the electrons that make up my nerve impulses. I feel like I am becoming an embryo of a human, some lower, primal state from which any person can be built, a sort of “debug mode” for humanity. The open-eyed visuals glow like neon lights, they are lines and forms that conform to the shape of every object around me, with concentric patterns extending inwards from them. It makes everything look futuristic.

It is around now that I begin to notice some aberrant physical effects. Firstly, I notice I am shaking more than I ever have from any psychedelic. And I notice that it is not just shaking, but full convlusions of my limbs, uncontrollable muscle contractions from my elbow down. This is somewhat worrisome. It feels like my mind is melting down. I also notice my heart is beating extremely hard and fast. This may have been psychosomatic anxiety, but it absolutely had me worried. I also noticed myself producing a lot of phlegm, having to cough and blow my nose quite a lot. I begin to fear that I might experience a seizure.

T1:00- The physical effects have me sufficiently worried. I decide to dose 1 mg Clonazepam and ~2 mg Etizolam. In addition to calming the spiraling out of control mental aspect of the trip, it should also slow my heart and calm the muscle contractions. For a brief time however, things only continue to pick up.

At first it feels as if the benzos are falling like snow, covering everything in a soft blanket, gently placing a stratus cloud over existence. Everything has been encased and preserved in foggy glass. The landing procedure has been initiated but there is an intense storm to pass through first. The tryptamine nonetheless rages forth, popping up from the snow and shaking it off.

Indeed my mind seems intent on straying further and further. I feel as though I am at the threshold of a great and infinite other, a glistening blissful world where I am omnipotent, where I am in control of atoms and the flow of electrons. I close my eyes and see the room I was previously occupying in faithful clarity. For the next several minutes, I am genuinely unsure if my eyes were open or closed, it borders on delirium. I feel like I have passed through the threshold into an alternate and mysterious version of my sober reality. In this world, everything is ethereal, everything is made of dense smoke that I can craft and alter with my mind, I am entirely telekinetic. The world is putty before me. I find with great excitement that I can spontaneously generate images with my mind. This has been one of my goals since I began taking hallucinogens and my newfound ability to do this is absolutely exhilarating. All it took was allowing my mind to be subsumed and adopted into this alien paradigm. In this world I can see pathways of energy left behind by everything, trails carved in the fundamental smoke of this existence. I am overcome with the feelings of peace and serenity that come with a sense that this is my dominion and sanctuary. Yet at the same time, I still feel like a guest, an outsider, like this realm is a sentient being that has invited me into itself. I look at my hand and see energy flowing around it like it is being consumed by a flame, the plumes of energy transparent, though they warp their surroundings. With concentration, I can make these invisible tendrils coagulate and turn to forms, I can concentrate them and cause them to erupt, or let them disperse into the smoke around them. Nevertheless, I realize that this existence is simply not compatible with my material reality, to even comprehend things in a way that allows me to do this means abandoning all semblances of my sober being.

            After this delicious foray into the potential of a ravaged mind, I descend into the next gauntlet, a floating, drifting incoherency. My mind gets caught repeatedly in benign loops, yet they carry with them a sort of dirtiness, a sense of failure to function properly. That parade has returned and it waltzes around me yet again, they seem to be preparing for some mission yet are excluding me from their plans. There are a lot of thoughts running through my head, faster than I can comprehend. It’s as if time or some fundamental law of the universe has been suspended just so I can fit this impossible glut of cognition into my existence. Every minor thought explodes and chains off into a million more, a tree bursting into fractalizing branches, each capillary twig of each branch containing a million worlds within. There is so much to process, so much to explore, and I have no idea how I’ll do any of it. Each little shred of thought gets entertained in exhausting detail, to the point where I am hallucinating entire alternate histories and geopolitical events taking place on the earth. Each time I snap myself out of whatever historical paradigm my mind generated on its own I am disoriented and shaken. This all occurs rapidly and repeatedly at a consistent rate for quite some time. It’s yet again almost a delirious feeling, of my mind convincingly generating events, locations, images that do not and never did exist, and presenting them before me. Some of these specific hallucinations taken from my notes include a storyline about me hosting an art show, something about watching nature documentaries with my friends, my friend’s boyfriend seeing a fractal on a pipe and having it turn into a shrimp, a conversation with a police officer, and something about a crystalline log being shattered by a powerful female energy from the ‘Northwast” (?). Needless to say, the chains of events and the ways they manifest are esoteric and incoherent. Every time I close my eyes, I am in a different time and place.

T1:30- What a fascinating experience! I am already beginning to drift down, much to my relief. I spent the past hour and a half with my mind shifted so far away from its normal self that I don’t know what to make of anything; the chaotic static that had so powerfully dissociated me is slowly dissolving away for a gentle landing. The benzos feel like a vice clamped onto my mind, preventing proper recollection or integration of the experience. I’m still stumbling on delusional pitfalls of truly believing things that are likely just imagined. I can reflect fondly on feeling like a god- indeed they took me to a place I didn't know I wanted to go, this place was my eden this place was my divine, it will be my node and my garden and I fully intend to return there In more stable circumstances. There is something in the other, it lingers there passively, in a place where everything is formless and eerie and the inhabitants exist collectively. It was unexpected but I'm glad they took me for the ride, although it was very rough.

T3:30- I am lucid enough now to be around others. The past two hours were just a slow confusing burn that sizzled my circuits and injected more absurd imagery into my existence seemingly just for my entertainment. My roommate comes up to smoke some cannabis with me and I try to relate the experience to him as coherently as I can. I feel manic and quick witted, I am able to communicate and interact effectively and competently. Being around another person who I trust after such a rocky experience is blissful. This drug clung on to every strand of imagination i had and made them flourish into full on vivid hallucinations.

T4:00- More friends come over and I excitedly greet them and relate the experience to them. There is a definite empathogenic effect to the experience now, I am talking way too much and I feel really great about it. My mind is working on overdrive to produce as many words as possible. I do not know if I am being obnoxious to the others in the room. My short term memory is quite stunted at this point, much to my chagrin. I feel a great deal of regret at taking the benzos as now I am in that fog and I cannot enjoy what is likely to be a fun night with the people I love most. My roommate and friends ask me all sorts of stuff about things I know about, perhaps just to humor me. I answer their questions about biology and leftism with enthusiasm and vigor, eager to talk to others and share the limited knowledge I have on the subjects.

T5:45- My girlfriend comes over, being around her is blissful and delightful. I am so glad she is not judgmental about the state I have put myself into, though she has every right to be. Nonetheless we have a relaxing and pleasant evening hanging out with my friends, smoking weed and drawing pictures together. I do not recall most of the rest of the night.

T12:30- After a long night of being social, I am mostly back to baseline. My memory has crept back by this point and I am pretty lucid. I go to sleep without issue.

Conclusion: This was one of the most intense psychedelic experiences I have ever had. My research led me to believe that 75mg would be a strong but manageable dose, but it proved to be way beyond my capabilities, at least within the realm of the psychosomatic effects. The headspace was fascinating and beautiful, particularly the ability to spontaneously generate imagery to my own will. This is something I am eager to explore further, though definitely with a lighter dose. 

x

2C-B + 3-MeO-PCE

Age: 21

Weight: 120 lbs

Dosage: 25 mg 3-MeO-PCE + 8 mg 2C-B Intranasal

Setting: My apartment

T0:00- Dose both drugs, simply because I wanted to be revelrous for the night. I had just finished a punishing round of exams and wanted to get altered hang out with my roommate. I really did intend to turn up just a little, just enough to still be able to socialize, but I severely miscalculated it seems. The pain of insufflation is immediate and immense, it's the acerbic, biting, acute harshness of the 2C-B + the long slow burn stinging discomfort of 3-MeO-PCE. Not enjoyable at all. 

T0:05- Coming up hard and fast, much more so than expected. The sting and the drip become too much for me and I have to go purge. After that, I go and smoke a blunt with my roommate in the backyard. 

T0:10- While hanging out in the backyard I begin to realize things may get a bit out of hand. The blunt was definitely not a wise decision in this state. I suddenly notice my heart racing and body being shaken in all sorts of contorted ways. I feel like I am oddly proportioned- a longer than normal arm here, a shorter leg there, a shrunken corner of the torso and a head that's too large. My visual field is being overtaken by exploding and exponentially reproducing fronds, feathers, and fractals. My heart sinks into my guts as I realize that I am in for more of a ride than I had expected.

T0:30- I go inside and the walls look like they've been decorated with glowing Mesoamerican carvings, great swirling glyphs and blocky faces, formed from pulsing polychromatic neon lines. I realize I will not be able to just hang out with my roommate as I had planned and retreat to the relative darkness of my room to face the unfettered fury of this experience.
In my room I am greeted by the metallic pulsing swirling alien visuals that have seeped into and consumed my mind. The walls are adorned with spiraling swirling blocky patterns that are in turn adorned with hundreds of steely lifeless glowing eyes. Mysterious humanoid figures begin to form in these patterns, though they are still restricted to existing on the wall, in only two dimensions. The floor begins to fracture into interlocking rectangles that levitate and hover around me like a swarm of flies, light cascading down beneath them. I feel like I am surrounded by looming figures, silhouettes that are backlit by a brilliant hallucinated light. My room quite obviously does not appear as my room anymore. It has become an alien temple, the floor hovering in pieces above a pool of shimmering light, the walls consumed by flowing and self transforming patterns and glyphs, some extruding towards me, others retreating into a vast glowing void. My ceiling has become shiny and black and vaulted and it soars dizzyingly skywards. I feel alone in this sanctuary, like this hallowed place is sheltering me with its lustrous purity. I cannot comprehend any space outside of my transformed room, I am unable to even entertain the thought that it is possible to leave this space, but that's okay, I am safe here. Though honestly I do not know if I am inside or outside. I begin to feel a crawling sensation, like great neon snakes are coalescing from whatever material composes my bed and are slithering their way up towards my heart. I begin to sink into the bed, and then into my own chest it seems. My own ribs tower over me on either side like great lurking monoliths, clawing at the sky. Suddenly it feels like I am being pelted by a clattering dissociative rain as my entire field of vision is consumed by a cascade of tessellated hands and faces. Soon this pattern is interrupted by the interjection of pastel pink iridescent centipedes, slithering across the stoic yet delicate tessellations.
I blink and am returned to my room, but everything is made of polished black stone. Every surface is laced with glowing and pulsing vitreous red vein-like patterns, angular and sharp like the circuits on a circuit board.
I again get this feeling that I do not know whether I am inside or outside. I again get this feeling that I am being enclosed, cut off, isolated in my own private chamber. A retinue of mysterious figures surround and tend to me, as the flashing veins pulse more excitedly. The patterns of the glowing red veins and the walls begin to flow towards me like a river of lava.
As the room closes in on me, I begin to sense smaller figure surrounding me- a small crew of mysterious animated figurines, made of the same black stone as the rest of the room, adorned with teal pulsing veins. These faceless beings seem to be redirecting the red veins of the room towards me, an effort to imbue me with their mysterious energy. I look down at myself and I too am hewn from this black stone and embelished with these illuminated veins. I am a great neon golem, I feel like I am a god in this world with a dedicated cult of beings lending me their faith. The attend me in pious frenzy, trying to empower me and elevate me with their esoteric prayers. They seem to have summoned me and infused me with this energy for some purpose, although what that purpose is is not clear. Every now and then it feels as though the pulses overwhelm me, and I am overcome with pure and unrelenting dissociative energy. When this happens I feel like I am sinking into whatever surface I am on, falling into a great numbing hole. I can always snap myself out of it though.
It is now that I begin to get a sense of why they have summoned me. Out beyond the reaches of my glowing cocoon, my own personal temple, I sense it. At the very border of the light and dark it lurks, an ominous feeling, an antithesis to the brilliant light, an equally brilliant darkness. The lights around me shine ever bolder in protest, illuminating the vast stretches of a grand citadel that was previously obscured from me. I sit at its center, anticipating the slithering darkness that has come to devour it.  Wherever I cast my gaze, the lights intensify and shoot further out into the dark, its amorphous yet intricate and horrific Geigeresque textures retreating before the glow. Soon the energy and light overwhelms me and it feels as though my mind has shattered into a mess of shards, each shard representing some piece of my existence- little blocks of memories, of personalities and beliefs and indescribable feelings. From the light comes a parade of beings who seem to have developed to interact with these shards, each one unique and specialized to properly interpret and process a different aspect of myself.
I feel burnt, helpless, unable to react or respond. My mind no longer intact, it is difficult to keep track of time or anything really. It is as if I blacked out for a bit. My memory begins to fizzle to an ethereal nothing, soon accompanied by my surroundings. Everything becomes more vague and the lights begin to mesh together and muddy one another and cancel each other out as the experience begins to slowly slip away from me, like I am being drained of my neon blood. My mind seem to be latching to these patterns and visuals still, in some desperate attempt to cling to the place where I was so revered, but it eventually recedes beyond my reach.
I blink as I come to in my room. I question myself as to why I did this on a Tuesday. I still feel very wobbly and everything looks loose and shaky, as if it's all been carefully suspended on an oil slick on the surface of some flat still water, and the slightest disturbance on my part will ripple and dismantle my surroundings. I am still and in awe. There are still figures looming in the corners of my vision. Any straight lines i see collapse into diagonals or zigzags.

T1:30- I am sort of in shock from how the last hour transpired. My memory from this point forth is somewhat foggy, and it seems I only took notes during the peak of the experience. I recall still feeling wobbly at this point with walking being very difficult. The visuals have died down substantially, though there are still light flashing patterns on the walls and I still see tracers with all movement. I am down enough by this point that I can rejoin my roommate downstairs.

T3:00- Most of the effects have subsided besides a warm glowing euphoria that wraps around my limbs and pumps gentle energy into me. This is exceedingly pleasant. The light visuals have continued at the same level for the better part of the last hour and a half. I am hanging out with my roommate, we have been watching things on the TV because I am still too physically dissociated to play video games.

T7:00-I still feel faint and wobbly, with light visuals still persisting. I feel warm and somewhat wired. I know sleep will not come easily, so I take ~2 mg of etizolam and that allows me to calm down and sink into a slumber.

I was not at all expecting the intensity of this trip, but I am glad I experienced it. It was remarkable for how separated I was from reality, yet how clear and intact my memory remained for the better part of the peak. The esoteric effects, the mysterious figures, the looming darkness and the glorious citadel and the odd disjointed storyline all came across like a particularly powerful and surreal dream. 

Nitrous Oxide

At long last, nitrous oxide had come into my possession. I had a 50 pack of whipped cream chargers and a dispenser at my disposal.
Several trials were attempted. The first 6 were all done in the same night in the span of 2 hours. Other accounts were more spontaneous and less controlled.

Trial 1:
1 Canister
Dim room
Time elapsed: 1 minute 10 seconds
Other substances: none
Barely felt anything, a shallowness of breath and a bit of a throbbing head rush with some throbbing in my limbs. First time noting the sort of dry, sterile, sickly sweet flavor of the gas.

Trial 2
Quantity: 2 canisters
Setting: dim room
Time elapsed: forgot to record
Other substances: none

Much stronger effect this time, full on dissociation for a brief period, numbness not only in the extremities but all over the body. Visual effects were a sort of morphing and swirling of surroundings. The effect was primarily felt in the body-an intense throbbing dissociation. Rather than the sort of fade-out dissociation that other dissociatives give, this came in intense pulses. More grounded and centered than other dissociatives, leaves a feeling of dry numbness in the skin for a bit after.

Trial 3
Quantity: 2 canisters
Setting: dark room
Time elapsed: 6:22
Other substances none

Done in the dark. Was even more intense this time, a full body dissociation, spitting and pulsing in my face, none of the dizziness or gradual numbness of other dissociatives. It was just cold and sudden full body anethesia, like I am being dipped repeatedly into liquid nitrogen. Not many auditory effects, though I feel very separated from myself. There is a persistant throbbing numbness in the head and in the extremities. The visuals present as concentric designs, swirling and warping with my throbbing heartbeat.
It is as though one eye is throbbing at a time and each throb distorts the vision from that particular eye. My skin feels dry and numb. Slight nausea and a bit of discomfort in my head. As it fizzles out, I get random pangs of numbness across my body. For about 10 minutes afterwards I feel somewhat lethargic, movement is labored and uncoordinated.

Trial 4
Quantity: 3 canisters
Setting: dark room
Time elapsed:  8:42
Other substances: none

This time around I instantly became very hot and sweaty, it was a warm gushing dissociation that shot right into me. I was rendered entirely immobile and felt like a statue. Auditory effects were a sort of clipping of the sounds I was hearing, as if every other frame of the sound was missing. Everything also sounded deeper. I felt like I was being sucked really quickly into the core of my body, a place where it was very warm and wet. I was being pulled in my pulsing, gasping throes.
My vision is swirling and strobing and pulsing, I feel like some great soft being has attempted to squeeze the life out of me. The darkness around me is rippling and pulsing and shaking and I am rippling and pulsing and shaking, this was a crushing sucking shrinking dissociation. As it fades out, I feel random pangs of numbness as I come down along with a distinct sort of nausea. I feel the numbness in my tongue especially. Every now and hten it seems like  the world twitches, or I briefly have a shift of perspective. There are also occasional waves of tinnitus. It feels like there something is drumming on he air around me.
Coming down, about 15 minutes later, I can't help but smile


Trial 5
Quantity: 2 canisters
Setting: dark room
Time elapsed: 14:52
Other substances: Cannabis

This time I consumed a bowl of cannabis prior to the experiment.
Effects were prolonged substantially and imbued with an incredible pulsing euphoria travelling up and down my body an encasing me like a cocoon. The numbness this time around was incredibly warm and ripply, it felt like I was sinking into a vibrating bath that took away all feeling. This pulsing was most pleasurable in my extremities, I felt like I was being massaged by great warm and soft yet crushing hands. Sounds were mostly unaltered and the visuals were synesthetic. With eyes open, there were great colorful concentric circles before me, like grainy ripples on the surface of a lake during a particularly vibrant sunset. 5 minutes on and I am still in a bit of a daze. Closing my eyes feels colorful and euphoric with soft angular visuals. Felt longer than it actually was, like time slowed down. Much more pleasurable this way. I can feel my skull and I feel like my toes are fading away. This eventually passes as I come back to baseline. Still that cold, clammy, dry feeling on my skin.

Miscellaneous  further trials-

Trial 6
Quantity: 2 canisters
Setting: dark room
Time elapsed: not measured
Other substances: Cannabis

I was very very stoned at this point, having smoked a blunt and taken 2 hits from the gravity bong. A friend and I decided to top it off with some nitrous.
For this particularly experience, I line up a particular song, "Endless Fantasy" by anamanaguchi. This is important because this song is incredibly energetic and stimulating, and it crescendos in the most glorious way about 30 seconds in, just enough time for the come up of nitrous.
We turned the lights out and blasted off. Just as expected, the song peaked just as we were. The feeling of overwhelming, all-consuming euphoria I felt at that moment is incomparable to any other substance I've consumed, even substances 'of pleasure' like empathogens. Everything that was bad was washed away like dirt in a warm shower, the possibility of anything feeling bad was discarded and left to wither. Nothing could bring me down in those 2 minutes. The music was pulsing upwards through my being, wrapping around me, forming an ethereal shell in the shape of the void that was once occupied by my body. These tendrils pulsed and seethed with the most spectacular prismatic light, a pure aesthetic pleasure to behold. This accompanied a synesthetic flanging of the music. Everything was strobing and each blast from the strobe was like being kicked by a great soft foot into a great soft mattress. I was smiling ear to ear, but this wasn't just some abstract happiness, I began viewing all of my life's circumstances with uncharacteristic and unshakable optimism. This feeling would unfortunately fade as the experienced faded out. I was left smiling, in total awe, still unable to move even after the nitrous had fizzled out, completely struck by what I had just experienced.

Trial 7
Quantity: 2 canisters
Setting: dark room
Time elapsed: Not measured
Other substances: 4-AcO-MET, Cannabis

This time I was in the pleasurable and delightful throes of one of my favorite psychedelics, 4-AcO-MET. I had heard much about the experience of stacking nitrous on psychedelics and was excited to try. The same friend and comrade from the last excerpt was also joining me here.
We turned the lights out and prepared our balloons. Already in the darkness, my visuals were much more apparent, great swirling feathers pulsing in ocean currents, radiating rainbows from within. I sucked in my balloon. As the sweet gas overtook me, I was blasted forth.
It did not seem to contribute much of its nature to the trip, only intensity. The only distinctly "nitrous" effects I noticed were the auditory flanging and physical dissociation. Otherwise, it was as if I had upped my dose of the 4-AcO-MET exponentially. The visuals I had seen before came out in full force, blossoming into a spectacular and overwhelming synesthetic garden of color and stimulation. The euphoria noted from last time wasn't present, perhaps due to the music choice. The visuals were kaleidoscopic and all encompassing, radiating outwards at all times from the focal center of my field of vision. They constantly appeared as though they were zooming in on me or approaching/shifting extremely close to my face. The ride down was gentle and the kaleidoscopic tendrils and geometrics slowly shifted into the peripheries of my vision before fading altogether. The experience was jarring, but in a pleasurable way. Of note is that the duration did not seem particularly extended in this state, though the progression of the trip was profound and exciting.

Trial 8
Quantity: 2 canisters
Setting: backyard
Time elapsed: Not measured
Other substances: 4-AcO-MET, Cannabis, DMT

By this time, later on in the night from the previous trial, we had consumed more cannabis and also some leftover DMT from my roommate who had smoked some by himself earlier in the night. The effects of the DMT were negligible at best, and that was immediately followed by some nitrous balloons.
This time, we were in my backyard. Someone next door was playing a fighting game extremely loudly by their window or something, so our soundtrack this time was the ambient neighborhood sounds. When we inhaled, a light drizzle had begun, the sky above was laden with mist that caught the ambient city lights to make the whole night sky glow a milky cold yellow. As we inhaled, it seemed like the world itself was being influenced by the pulses of dissociative energy that were pummeling me, as if the leaves and raindrops were shaking from these brain ripples. The fighting game became a fascinating piece of stimulus, as the grunts of each character began to flang and echo into oblivion, acutely amplifying and emphasizing what was a nearly imperceptible ambient sound when we began. The leaves above me seem to have separated into red and blue ghost images that dance and ripple alongside them, like snowflakes sticking together and being tossed about by the breeze. The sensory effects of this trial were sublime, some of the most fascinating auditory and visual stimuli I have experienced. Gazing upon intricate and detailed things outside at night is a delightful activity in this state, as they seem to exist merely for my aesthetic pleasure, presenting their primordial order and prismatic beauty humbly for my lascivious consumption. The flanging sounds were absolutely most apparent this time around, it seems they manifest the best as alterations of whatever ambient noise is around. This experienced passed somewhat quickly relative to the others.