The PCP Trilogy: Introduction

     PCP is one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood drugs in the world. Its reputation precedes it in almost every context, it has turned into something so extraordinary and mythical that it is often simply a punchline. It is perceived by many to be the ultimate drug, an object of pure danger and destruction lurking only in the darkest most decayed corners of the inner city. The hardest, most dangerous, most insane drug, only consumed by the most hardest, most dangerous, and most insane people. I simply do not believe that this reputation is reflective of reality, and much of the negative perceptions of the drug is due to a mixture of propaganda and the contexts in which is it normally taken.

    It is not evil. No drug is evil, they are neutral substances that reflect the people that manufacture, sell, and use them. It is not a guarantor of violence or harm. No drug is, as far as we know. It is obviously not harmless either. It simply exists, for us to choose how to use it.

    PCP was originally developed as an anesthetic for humans, then later found use as an anesthetic for primates. It notably caused issues with human anesthesia as patients would sometimes recover in an agitated uncontrollable state. The drug soon hit the street, first available as tablets and powder (called angel dust), and eventually, sold as a freebase oil dissolved in solvent, in which cigarettes would be dipped and smoked. It built its own mythology, an edgy drug for the most violent fringes of broken societies. It seeped into police SOP’s and the evening news. It became widely seen as a scourge and a terror. It is referenced often in 90’s hip hop, often as a measure of insanity (“Crazier than a bag of dust” being a line dropped by both KMD and Biggie smalls). Two rappers even formed a short lived duo specifically dedicated to the drug called “Leak Bros.” putting out the single album ‘Waterworld”, where every song is explicitly about PCP (it’s pretty hit or miss but I love the hits). Its use peaked in the 80’s and 90’s and steadily declined. It is quite rare nowadays. It is only found deep in a bunch of unconnected cities in the U.S.A, with some isolated pockets of use in places like Australia and New Zealand. In cities where it is available one mostly only finds older people using it. But the market is still undeniably moving, and it seems to be a major source of income in some places. But it is nowhere near as prevalent as it used to be.

    What has given it its dark reputation? In part, a concerted campaign of propaganda that characterized it as something near-demonic, as one of the sickest and most depraved products of low-income black communities, yet another means of impressing the brutal drug war upon that population. The airwaves were blasted with a handful of high profile incidents of extreme violence and bizarre public behavior. A perception was created that it was a universal inducer of violent madness. This is of course, simply not the case. Millions of people use and have used PCP without incident. If every user turned into a naked berserker, surely there wouldn’t be anyone left to use it and no market to produce and sell it. Buoyed by these perceptions, PCP became a universal excuse for police to maximize violence against suspected users.

    Nevertheless, I am remiss to dismiss the very real violence and destructive behavior that has been inflicted by people using PCP. Many people in the neighborhoods of many cities where use is prevalent can share a story of a friend or neighbor or family member who did PCP and had some kind of outburst usually ending in violent police intervention. The extremely high profile incidents of violence cannot be ignored- people have assaulted and killed people or themselves while under the influence of PCP, people have stripped off their clothes and walked around in public, people have become extremely difficult to subdue when fighting police, this is undeniable.

    Why does this happen? Is it because the drug is evil? Per propaganda, there are often many elements that are simply left out of reporting these stories. Many of those implicated in violent incidents in PCP are people who already have a history of committing violence. They are people who may be violent while drunk, or on stimulants, it just so happens that one of their violent incidents was on PCP. McCardle and Fishbein 2002 suggests that the primary driver of aggression is underlying causes, not the drug itself. Disrobing is usually attributable to the drug raising body temperature. Perhaps the worst exacerbating factor though is how it is consumed- the aforementioned dipped cigarettes and before that powder. With both of these means, it was nearly impossible to know what dose was being ingested (even consumer mg scales have a hard time measuring doses that low), which is dangerous because PCP is incredibly potent, with a medium-high dose sitting around 10-12 mg. People were likely taking extreme doses of the drug which turned into full manic psychosis. These extremely high doses can induce visual hallucinations and a godlike delusions. Combined with a sense that one is dissociated from the consequences in the world and the fact that this drug was often being consumed in dangerous, high stress, and sometimes violent settings, there is a recipe for disaster. Someone taking a psychedelic in the kinds of settings where people commonly consume PCP would probably also have a bad trip.

    Clearly though, it is still enjoyed enough to feed a market. In 2015, it was estimated that 6.3 million Americans had used the drug at least once in their life. If it was such a universal predictor of aggression, if it so reliably induced harmful behavior, with numbers like that, would we not have seen a widely orgiastic bloodbath of violence in the populations that use it? While the incidents of violence due to PCP can appear more acute than those induced by other drugs, and while those on PCP are much harder to subdue by police than those on other drugs, it is simply a myth that is much more dangerous behaviorally than alcohol- which is not particularly safe! But it is certainly less stigmatized than poor PCP. Just as in alcohol, the vast majority of PCP users do so without causing problems.

 

    PCP is a completely standard manic dissociative- perhaps the baseline to define that class of drug. It makes one feel numb and floaty. It makes one feel lightheaded and dizzy. It makes one feel warm. It is stimulating. It induces a sort of mental dissociation from oneself and ones surroundings, turning existence into a sort of simulated solipsistic space. It burns with euphoria at times, furious and raging pleasantry. Most of all, it induces mania, a sense of personal grandeur, a feeling like one can do anything in the world, a feeling like one is the main character, with a mandate of destiny that gives one permission to do anything to realize their aspirations. Racing thoughts, endless ideas, the energy and stature to process all of it. This can sometimes be productive. This can also sometimes be extremely destructive.

    It’s a wonderful drug for socializing-I liken it to being slightly drunk with some cocaine in my system. It is disinhibiting and makes me feel so much more confident. It makes talking fun, it makes me articulate, but makes me annoying to others sometimes. It is great for just hanging out and playing video games. I often found myself using it simply to do chores around the house, as it gave me energy, motivation, focus, and an odd bit of dissociation that made the tasks seem less mundane. I think it is very fun, which I think is why people try it and enjoy it too.

    If I had to compare it to other drugs, I would say it is most similar to 3-Me-PCP or 3-MeO-PCP. I find it is a little more insightful than 3-Me-PCP and longer lasting, but it is more hedonistic and less insightful than 3-MeO-PCP. It falls in a nice space in between the two, but I would say overall character still leans more towards 3-Me-PCP, with which it also shares a greater physical heaviness.

 

    I find it to be a fairly harmless substance in the controlled set and setting in which I use it. The stigma against it, nevertheless, does a lot of heavy lifting. The set and setting of many users does the drug an unfortunate disservice. It doesn’t have to be this way though. It could be sold in a way that is precisely dosed, where people can know exactly how much they are consuming and explore the wonder of lower and medium doses. People can use it in safe and controlled settings. It should perhaps be avoided by those prone to violence, by those who have had destructive episodes of mania, narcissists, and those who are prone to destructive psychosis. It has the power to boost me out of extreme destructive episodes, when combined with calm and intentioned meditation. It can allow one to open up and articulate at the right dose, it can help break down barriers and inhibition. It can allow one to step outside of their emotions and analyze them from another perspective. It left a pleasant afterglow of controlled hypomania for days after sometimes. Its biggest risk is that it can be unpredictable and the mania can be frightening to some. This can be mitigated by titrating doses up in a controlled setting. I firmly believe that in the right setting with the right supervision, PCP or a similar analogue can genuinely be therapeutic.

 

    I sought to write a report to characterize PCP in 3 different settings. I wanted to know it from every angle- sensory effects, physical effects, psychological effects, sociability, interaction with strangers, being in public, agility etc.

    The first report is taken at a baseline, in my preferred controlled setting- alone in my study, incense lit, my favorite music playing. I simply wanted to see the drug as it was, feel it in a comfortable space with different senses deprived, characterize the visuals and auditory effects.

    The second report is taken while doing urban exploration with a dear old friend, where I had to climb and navigate narrow walks and claustrophobic spaces wearing gear in the bitter cold, with warm conversation with my friend. I wanted to see how the drug affected my coordination in tricky settings, my tolerance for cold, and socializing with a comfortable familiar person.

    The third and final report is taken at my local art museum, a huge museum with a world class collection in a beautiful building. It was fruitful for thinking about the act of creation, in peaks of beautiful mania. I wanted to see how the drug affected being in public around strangers and to see how it affected my perception of art.

    Notably, I had the fortune of encountering extremely pure PCP HCl, as a granular crystalline substance. This meant that I could dose it accurately and consistently. This is notably, not the way the vast majority of people encounter this drug- and smoking dippers is its own interesting experience, with ritual and process and smell of the drug playing deeply into the trip. But I wanted to describe the drug on neutral terms, with a controlled dose, to see it deeply as it could offer. Every time I smoked dippers with the intention of writing a report, the experience was too weak. I only felt intensity in the times I smoked them in uncontrolled settings with friends with no intention of taking notes or writing a report.

The PCP Trilogy 1: Baseline

This first report is taken at baseline. I wanted to experience this purely and deeply as it was in a controlled setting. I am alone in my house, in my study- it is a room filled with bones, vials of insects, Warhammer miniatures, a microscope, dozens of specimens in jars, on the walls- bones and insects and feathers and posters and postcards and images and much of my art and my friends’ art covering every inch of wall. Sentimental trinkets and souvenirs litter every surface. Shelves of books, a couch, a huge CRT TV with old game consoles, and a grand mural I painted on one wall. There are dim lights, incense is lit, it is cozy and comfortable and familiar. I have no obligations tomorrow or for the rest of the night. I am generally in a good mood, I am experiencing baseline hypomania already.

 

NOTE: THE DOSES I TAKE ARE EXTREMELY HIGH FOR ANYONE. I HAVE A HIGH TOLERANCE TO DISSOCIATIVES, NECESSITATING I TAKE SUCH HIGH DOSES. AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS WOULD BE FOUND AT AROUND 10-12 MG FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON. DO NOT TAKE THE DOSES I TAKE IN THESE REPORTS.

 

Age: 30

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 29 mg intranasal

Setting: My study

 

T0:00- Crush up cubic crystals of PCP HCl into a fine powder. The dose is taken intranasally, slight sting. I am feeling the beginnings of a cold, a slight malaise in my sinuses that would pervade this experience.

 

T0:10- First notes, a bit of numbness in my extremities, a bit of stimulation. A bit of tightness and lightness in my head. Listening to STOMACH BOOK to get hyped up. It is frenetic noisy transgender hyperpop-ish, genre bending and chaotic and theatrical. It fills me with chaotic colorful energy.

 

T0:20- There is suddenly an intense rush, like blowing into the genesis of a campfire. My head is swirling, effects are accelerating quickly. The mania is starting to trickle in. It’s a glow, a sense of possibility. I need to make sure to keep a level head and steer this ship through mania’s rocky straits.

 

T0:30- Developing quickly. I feel light overall. It is like there are tubes rushing and surging into the base of my skull and crashing into the backs of my eyes. Wires and pipes to pump me full of manic energy. The current infrastructure isn’t sufficient for this workload, we must construct more; They rush in, turning at right angles, plugging in exactly where they need to, like an Akira backdrop. It is a monumental time in history. I am scrolling social media and taking in information, I am doing it really fast, it feels like it is all going straight into my eyes, straight into this newfound infrastructure of pipes and wires; This is exciting, I feel like I can process faster, I feel like I can absorb information faster.

 

T0:40- Head is getting lighter, heart is getting faster! I have to pee. My extremities are mostly numb. I don’t feel too much loss of equilibrium. I am a little bit anxious. Why? I’ve used this compound several dozen times at this point in my life. It’s all familiar. I am at a critical and fragile moment in my life though, and perhaps I fear that this will disrupt that delicate place. The anxiety makes me a little nauseous.

It feels like I am swimming while sitting still, like there is water rippling around me, tickling my skin. I feel like I am buzzing. There are flashes of visuals on the walls, straight chains of hexagons and diamonds, flashing in blue and hot red and magenta. Waving and undulating like strings of kelp.

 

T1:00- I am antsy, I can’t sit still, I get up and start pacing the house. I am focused, I am clearminded, I am declarative and decisive and the world is a big place that I can ferociously devour like a starved hound, I feel like my mind is a powerful weapon that will liberate the world, I feel like I am floating a bit off the ground when I move around, I am an electric ghost. I suppose you could really call this mania. An extreme embrace of the ego in an ironically dissociated state, it feels like stepping outside of myself and being my biggest fan. It is fierce arrogance, the kind that drives people to the most offputting or horrifying behaviors because it just feels oh so right in that moment. It feels good. Of course I would want to chase this forever.

My muscles are tense but my extremities feel numb and floaty, like there is electricity tingling at my fingertips. I am a little off balance now, but I still feel tight control of my momentum.

 

T1:20 – I smoke some cannabis. The energy accelerates like a shot of nitrous into a carburetor. The visuals shake and shimmer, the diamonds and hexagons dance and flash running down the walls like riffles of a stream with an increasingly furious tempo. There is a persistent visual snow and slight tracers around anything in motion. It all has a sharp edge, it all bites and chews, there are a lot of tight angles. It feels like my laptop screen is drifting further and further away as I type my notes.

 

T1:30- I decide to lean fully into the experience and lie down. I prepare my space, I light incense, I don my traveler mask, prepare soft blankets and pillows. I find myself having to urinate a lot. I drink some water. I return to my room.

 

T1:50- My choice of music is the soundtrack for Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind, one of my favorite musical choices for holes, it truly feels like going on an adventure. And as provenance would have it, my beloved orange cat Luigi comes into the room and sits on my chest as I lie down. It feels like a stroke of serendipity from Allah, to which I am grateful.

I don’t expect to go into a dissociative hole. This is not the type of dissociative that lends itself to that. I close my eyes and lie down. The neutral setting to purely experience the drug in a synesthetic space can at least do something.

And that something is glory, beauty, the first mango-hued rays of a sunrise breaking into a deep magenta sky, wind blowing through verdant grass, the shadows on clouds, city lights reflecting off of rippling water. I am in a fast, rash, digital and electric space like a pixelated impressionist painting. I can still feel my body, tingling and buzzing, but I feel like I can inhabit the space directly in front of my tightly clenched eyes, exist as a dissociated ball of energy there draped in vitreous polychrome curtains that twist and bend and buzz along jagged edges to the music.

Mania and beauty are a delightful combination. I am stricken with a drive to proclaim the divine virtue of beauty to the heavens. I am stricken with a drive to fill the world with beauty. It all feels possible, it all feels monumental, I am fantasizing about the maximum outcomes of those drives, of creating things of such beauty that the entire world stands in awe of it; I am really really getting ahead of myself! And I just can’t sit still. Not on PCP. I last about 20 minutes of trying to lie still and listen to music.

 

T2:00- I have been sitting on a steady peak for about the last hour and 20 minutes and it still feels like it is raging. I feel hot, tense, tight. My mind is flowing so fast, there is so much at once. I don’t know what to do with all of it. I try to write but I can’t focus because so many thoughts are demanding my attention like a pack of hounds striking at me every chance they get. It feels like there is light shooting through my entire body and firing out of my eyes and fingertips. I don’t know what to do with all of this dissociative energy, I don’t know where to direct it, I feel like I am on fire. I also feel a deep cold. Like a fever. I am cold and sweat and my throat is tight. This was perhaps too large a dose. But I will just ride it out. Despite all of this dysfunctionality, I am still propelled by a manic euphoria. I am burdened by feeling too great and not knowing where to put it frankly. How terrible.

I decide to direct the energy into an activity, my favorite mindless bashing game, Dynasty Warriors 3 (which I am so so close to 100%ing) for the Playstation 2. This is a game where you play as the legendary heroes of the Chinese epic “Romance of the Three Kingdoms”. The gameplay mostly consists of bashing your way through hordes of rank and file soldiers and dueling with other legendary heroes.

I select the Battle of He Fei Castle, and go on the offensive as Sun Jian, progenitor of the mighty Sun Clan of Wu. It feels like I have bridged sparking wires. The energy flows from my spine to my fingertips to the controller down its wire into the PlayStation into the AV cords into the electron gun blasting beams of energy onto a phosphorescent screen that then shoots directly into my eyes, completing a circuit and cycling into a smooth flow that does genuinely calm and ground me. The game is visceral, the controller vibrates like crazy, I feel the impact of Sun Jian’s blade on hundreds of hundreds of faceless digital Three Kingdoms Era soldiers sending them to their digital demise. Who were they to think they could challenge the mighty Sun Jian?

As stated before, I have almost maxed out this game, so every character is now a jacked up superhero that can effortlessly hack his way through everything. There is little challenge and I have played this level dozens of times before, this is just dull familiarity. I know exactly where to go, I know exactly what path to take and when to do it and where all the hidden items are; this feeds into the mania, in this game, I am truly an omniscient, omnipotent war god-figure. Everything falls before me. It is so great to direct the manic energy into this and not like, trying to do these feats in real life, which felt like an absolute possibility if the need arose.

 

T2:30- I finish the level and notice that the overall energy of the experience is beginning to recede. There is still a lot of electricity and edge but there is no more of that urgency or haste. The motion of the visuals is slowing down. I can sit with this mania. I can still feel grand and aspire to grand things but on my own terms now. Perhaps this scheming can bear fruit in the sober world- the greatest danger however is setting them in motion while still in this state- it drives an urgency for one to hatch plans and ideas and immediately pursue them-but I set a rule, prominently printed on my door. No calling anyone. No contacting coworkers, family, political spaces, prominent figures. No making decisive plans and setting them in motion. Write it down, save it for later. And so I do.

 

T3:00- More down but still feeling lightheaded and dizzy, still feeling a sense of motion when I am still. I decide to take a warm shower. I feel heavy and tense. The shower was a clattery space, with the water making a metallic phasing and flanging sounds reverberating off the walls, interlacing themselves with the jagged visuals. It was so disorienting I had to sit down, when I closed my eyes there were explosions of ripples of light with each gunshot drumbeat of the falling water. I was on the inside of a metal drum being furiously pelted with rocks. I felt an accelerated sense of motion, an accelerated sense of being a floating consciousness as the mercy of great sweeping motions like a caustic flash flood. Despite the cacophonous noise, my internal monologue was loud and cutting and raged through the storm. I became fixated inwards, as usual- though I felt it quite grounding in this raging sensory space.

 

T3:30- I feel clean, and ending that intense stimulus makes me feel like even further down than when I started. Still a bit numb and tingly and wavy but clearheaded and guided. Still tense, but much less so. I feel more of a sense of calm, my thoughts aren’t racing loudly and fighting each other for attention anymore, though the internal voice is still chattering away. I can take a deep breath and it feels like my heart is slowing down a bit.

 

T4:00- Lingering stimulation and mania but less numbness in extremities now. Physical sensations are overall decreased. I am able to eat again and have some instant noodles. I don’t have a ton of appetite but I hadn’t eaten in a while and forced myself to. It wasn’t particularly pleasant.

 

T5:00- Go back to playing videogames, now playing a mod for Attila: Total War. The game is immersive and tactical and fun, it is easy to roleplay myself as some sort of magic medieval general who could have a bird’s eye view of the earth. I just play a battle against the computer.

T6:00- I am mostly back to baseline.

 

T8:00- Feel entirely back to normal. The sun is coming up, I lie down to sleep but have a hard time actually falling asleep. It seems like the internal narration in my head does not want to shut up, and it speaks loudly and confidently and declaratively. How annoying. I don’t know how long I laid awake for but it seemed well into the morning.

 

Conclusion: PCP is just true ultrapure mania, distilled to its finest active dissociative form. I understand how one could damage their life, but I had the constitution in the moment to rein that in. I definitely can see how at higher doses, one may lose that constitution and fall victim to the urgent depredations of mania induced psychosis. I felt like I could do anything. I felt like I was meant to do anything. I felt like doing all of those things would bring me to prominence, would make me respected and revered by wide swaths of people. It felt like destiny. It is pure megalomania. At best it can be obnoxious and make one arrogant. At worst, one immediately pursues those ambitions and quickly finds out the hard way that they are not realistic. But ultimately it is a lot of fun, it makes me feel confident and good about myself. It makes activities engaging and offers a unique perspective for meditation. It makes a wide variety of activities more interesting or adds a new edge to them. It is beautiful, there are delightful visuals and a pleasant warm buzzing numb dizzy physical sensation. I think it’s a great deal of fun. Like most manic dissociatives, there is no hole, but with a portion of cannabis there is some dark visual space I can immerse myself in, though I am always acutely aware of my body.

The PCP Trilogy 2: Urbex

 This experience was planned for weeks. On a free night, I finally met up with a dear old friend who I describe in the report. We go back to high school and have always loved exploring abandoned buildings together. In this report, we explore an abandoned trash incineration plant. It was always a delightful youthful activity, and this experience hearkened to a lot of nostalgia, it had been a while since I had last done this. It is a brutal cold dark January night. I wanted to see how the drug affected being in potentially scary spaces, there’s always an inherent eeriness and tension in abandoned buildings. I wanted to see how it affected being in claustrophobic spaces, on narrow spaces; I wanted to see how it affected my ability to climb and navigate with agility as abandoned buildings often demand. I wanted to see how it interacted with a focused, intentional activity, and how it interacted with a sense of adventure and danger.

 

NOTE: THE DOSES I TAKE ARE EXTREMELY HIGH FOR ANYONE. I HAVE A HIGH TOLERANCE TO DISSOCIATIVES, NECESSITATING I TAKE SUCH HIGH DOSES. AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS WOULD BE FOUND AT AROUND 10-12 MG FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON. DO NOT TAKE THE DOSES I TAKE IN THESE REPORTS.

Age: 30

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 29 mg intranasal

Setting: Abandoned trash incineration plant, my house

 

T0:00- Dose quietly snorted- cubic crystals with a slight odor of ether crushed down into a powder and snorted into a line that stings and slightly numbs the mucous membranes. A toothy little tingle.

 

T0:15- First notes of the experience as my fingertips go numb and my heart starts to race.

 

T0:20- I am currently in my house, but I am preparing to go explore an abandoned industrial waste incineration facility with a friend. I love urban exploration. It’s a hobby I have been committed to since I was a teenager. My accomplice was a friend from high school; We had done urbex together since we were teens, they also feature in many of my older reports. A lifelong friend and artist who I have grown with and trust dearly.

I am starting to feel a little numb in my extremities and lightheaded. I am getting my bag together- gloves, respirator, a balaclava, bandanas, Baofeng radios, knives and multi tools, water, multiple lights, sturdy steel toe boots, a first aid kit, a joint. I am definitely overpacking for how simple of a run this will be but it’s fun to prepare for everything and feel like I’m on a mission; it is fun to get geared up. I am buoyed by anticipation. I feel most of my upper body still, but my lower body is drifting and skating. I feel like a ghost drifting and floating through my house as it builds and leaving trails behind. My vision is starting to slightly strobe as I bounce from task to task.

 

T0:30- I smoke a bit of cannabis, rushing dissociation going through my limbs and into my extremities. Pulsing down. I am jittery and stimulated. I feel very bouncy.

 

T1:20- My friend picks me up, it is a whirlwind of cold and dark. We are in the car, we are committed to the mission, we are doing this. It feels cool. I am just swept up into this. It feels odd to transfer from one space to another, it feels like I am wrapped in saran wrap this entire time. I am socializing normally, stumbling on words a bit and getting a bit into manic rants, where I talk with attack. But I am able to restrain myself a bit.

 

T1:43- We arrive on site and gear up. We smoke a joint. I am able to walk normally, there is a bit of bounce in my step. The cannabis kicks things up into a higher gear as textures and colors begin to bleed into the edges of my vision, tickling and tracing like rivulets of water running down from a flash flood of static. It is such a bitter cold January night, but I don’t feel it at all.

 

T1:45- I am warm and floaty and buzzy, bumbling along. We parked in an empty stretch of industrial road and we make a quiet approach to the building- it is completely open, no fences or boarding. It is a simple affair to just walk right in. As I walk into the open yawning doorway, it feels like the building swallows me, it’s entire dark opaque silhouette frames me and cracks me in. Writhing pulsing lines in dark navy and teal thrash like ropes around my form and push me forwards into the dark portal. The air changes when I step in- still and musty and ladened with a steady rain of dust. My skin is tingling- There were huge boilers and deep concrete hoppers and pits for waste disposal. The main attraction of this building are immense incinerator furnaces that we sought to climb and explore eventually.

 

T1:54- I trickily navigate a ladder- I am a little wobbly but my coordination is still intact enough for me to do so safely. We explore a smashed up bathroom, remarking on seeing the tags of someone we were friends with in high school. It’s cool to know other people I know have been in here too, completely independently. Another ascent up a collapsing metal staircase and we come into a massive open space with holes in the roof. The dissociation starts to hit me like a blast of warm air, tracing around my body and swirling my essence on pulsing sine waves. I can tighten my muscles and make my balance more precise if I focus, but otherwise I find myself  more unsteady on my feet. We walk through the space, watching for the holes in the floor, appreciating all of the colorful graffiti. I can’t tell if I am inside or outside- and perhaps with the roof so collapsed I am technically both. But the air feels heavy like it is enclosing and covering me, casting a shadow on me in the darkness of the night. The rubble and intricate tags are clear in beams of our headlamps but in the enclosing darkness around them, subtle flashing textures drift in like tree roots. When I close my eyes I see similar patterns flowing with successive pulses of dull, dense light tracing them in low reds and oranges.

 

T2:20- Reaching an outdoor portion, my friend traverses a rickety balcony. I suppose I still have enough of my head about me to forgo this. Not with my level of balance right now. We traverse piles of some unknown granulated materials and poke around an external building covered in vines, barren for the winter they just appear as a dense tangle of ropes. I feel like I am in a video game, I feel like I should have a rifle leveled and a HUD as I move around. There is danger in this, in that I can already notice that it insulates me from a sense of consequence. This can inspire recklessness but I was able to consciously suppress such impulses- in this kind of setting, stupid decisions only accumulate. For now I can enjoy that the grainy-static of the sky and the diffused and blunted lights and shadows make the whole setting appear low-poly lo-fidelity buzzing like an old PS2 game in the glow of a CRT television. Despite being outside on such a cold night I still don’t really feel cold at all. Not even in my extremities. But that was clearly not my default state.

 

T2:40- I feel less and less sure of my limbs just walking as we pick around the main space that contained several large furnaces. This ultimately leads to climbing through a small doorway then across the ladders and catwalks of the furnaces to access a crumbling staircase that led to the underground depths of the facility, where a labyrinth of tunnels was accessed by crawling through another small portal. Despite my unsteadiness, for brief moments I was able to sharply focus and attain what felt like even greater control of my limbs and extremities than normal.

In the depths of the tunnels we put on our respirators. The air was thick with dust- at the time we had no idea what the place was used for, so in retrospect it was a great decision to not breathe in decades old burnt trash dust. Donning the respirator reoriented my relation to my body and the space around it- I suddenly felt enclosed, like I was wearing some kind of special suit- it felt like it was some external layer that was propelling my limbs forward, keeping my skin warm and numb, and pulsing electricity through my bones. It was like I was piloting a mech suit of myself. This made the exploration of these tunnels all the more thrilling and exciting.

Twisting diverging paths of all different sizes, in uniform brick and concrete, the graffiti slowly becoming less and less as it plumbed deeper to where people figured no one would see their name. It felt like a place to shelter and hide, an insect burrowing away into the most obscure crevasse of a rotten log so it could never be found. Perhaps it was massaging against the manic paranoia fomented by the drug; my spouse always likened me to a prey animal, alert and ready to dart away at any moment. Those instincts felt like they were being amplified in full force- by the PCP, by the setting I was in; the anxiety was lush and intensely fanged. In the throes of the mania, however, it was revelrous and thrilling like a horror movie.

I normally pride myself on my ability to navigate, but the dissociation severely interfered with that. The inhibition of short term memory keeps me from memorizing landmarks. I feel lost in these tunnels, familiar spaces already appear unfamiliar; though the space is small enough that there are eventually only so many directions one can go, there is still a deep sense of being completely and totally lost. We do easily make it out though, climbing back over the furnaces and out into the main space.

 

T3:30- We are satisfied with what we have seen- I think at this point we had visited every room in the building. The numbness and warmth of the drug are beginning to wear off and the cold is starting to seep in through my layers. Icy fingers driving through my flesh like black fungal mycelium. A chill runs down my spine. I am glad we didn’t run into any trouble at any point during the outing from police or hostile people. I am relieved that I didn’t lose my balance and fall off of anything high. I am glad that we did not get lost in the basement. I am glad I didn’t cut myself on rusty metal or glass caked in the ashes of incinerated trash. It feels like a successful journey.

I take off my balaclava and take a deep breath of the relatively fresh, crisp, cool air. It is sharp and I cough as it pierces my lungs. Having my head out in the open cold feels like being in a dark box and having the lid ripped off and being blinded as it floods with light- I wasn’t blinded by light seeing as it was late at night, but the sudden sensation of cold air on my naked head was a disorienting sensory overload that almost made me lose balance on my feet. The kiss of the cold on my skin sent ripples and chills through my entire body. I quickly throw on a beanie and put my hood up and it feels like sinking back into a warm bath.

Despite the mania and racing thoughts I am quiet as we walk back. I don’t know what I was so absorbed in, maybe nothing at all, maybe my mind was just blank. But this is a very old friend who I feel comfortable around, it doesn’t feel like an awkward silence, and even if I sound awkward and disjointed when I do talk, it doesn’t bother me or make me anxious.

 

3:40 -We get in their car and set out for my house. I am well past the peak but being in the passenger seat is exhilarating and feels like it accelerates the experience as the world rushes past me. It feels like being in a spaceship, not that I know what that feels like. Probably something like this. They get McDonalds on the ride home. The fries smell delicious and it feels like it stimulates my appetite a bit but I don’t feel much desire to eat at all. They are listening to Billy Woods. It is intense and serious and bleak but creates a soundscape that matches the cold run-down industrial zone we drive through.

 

T4:00- Home. Once again a change of scenery breathes life back into the experience that felt it was fading. Perhaps habituation to my surroundings became a habituation to the sensation of the drug, reset to its maximum power when I shift to a new place, a new amount of light, a new temperature. Being back in my warm bright house feels like it blasts heat waves through my field of vision, with cascades of angular shapes breathing up and off of them like stray flickering embers from a wood fire. Shapes like feathers or fronds of ferns catch the fire’s glow and reflect it back in every which direction. The physical dissociation and tension wells up in my and runs down my limbs into my extremities. We smoke a bowl together as soon as we get inside.

 

T4:30- The cannabis breathes some life back into the experience but it is clearly on its way out now. We play Super Smash Bros. 64 together. We are just rotating through all the characters and messing around with items and playing against computers. Nothing too serious. We talk about art and life and our many mutual friends. My friend is a professional painter, we have made art together since we were teenagers. I love their works and its always so fascinating to hear them talk about their method, their inspirations, what they seek to express with their work, semi-abstract pieces that tap deep into their identity with streams of recurring motifs. It’s a lovely subject for conversation, I notice I am much more sociable on the comedown of the experience, more articulate and less inhibited.

 

T5:00- I am coming down faster, still feeling it a bit but it’s more subtle now. Most of the physical dissociation has left but the mania and stimulation rages on. My friend leaves for home and I am just alone in the house now. I smoke more and try to play video games but end up just caught in loops of thought. Manic dissociatives make one extremely self absorbed and self centered. I am thinking so much about how I will be perceived when I write this report- am I too old to be taking PCP and exploring abandoned buildings? Is one ever too old for that? Am I just a circus animal doing tricks by taking drugs for an audience of voyeurs online who encourage and enable me? Does this make me look like an edgelord? Am I just too old to be doing this in general? I should be mature, I should have my shit together. But also who cares? I don’t think it’s that deep at all. I don’t think anyone gives me that much thought or energy other than the person that writes a lot of reports. I don’t think anyone is thinking about me long enough to pass judgments on me like that, and if they do so what? Why should I care? Maybe it is embarrassing to be acting like an edgy teenager at this age, but fuck there’s much worse things I could be doing. Why am I wasting so much time and energy thinking about this? I should be thinking about the people I love, the world at large, the starry night sky and the bugs in the grass and the warmth of the sun my skin and my career and employment and my hobbies and what I was going to eat next. And that’s the cool thing about mania, is I can think about all of that, at the same time, consistently and thoroughly, everything feels possible, I have the energy for everything, I can do whatever I want and seem however I want.

 

T6:00- My mind is racing less at this point, all that remains is some muscle tension and stimulation. Maybe a sort of exhausted mental dissociation but I am for the most part back to baseline.

 

T7:00- Feel completely back to normal now.

 

T9:00- Lie down for bed. Lying in the dark with no stimulus seems to bring the experience back form the dead. I am kept awake by loud racing thoughts, colored by anxiety and paranoia for some indeterminate amount of time. I eventually fall into a restless sleep.

 

Conclusion: There’s really something to PCP and dingy decaying buildings. A combination made in heaven. I don’t recommend doing this. Like I said in the report, I’m lucky I didn’t lose my balance and fall from high places or scrape myself on something nasty. The risk was certainly there. Oddly enough, despite baseline feeling numb and dizzy, if I really focused I could lock in and it felt like I had almost perfect control of my limbs, that I could perfectly compensate for their momentum for tight, precise movements. I notice this property with many other manic dissociatives too. This drug is warming. I barely felt the cold until I had been out in it for a few hours and the peak began to wear off. Engaging in some kind of activity, being up and moving around, all seem to suppress the intensity of the drug, as this felt weaker than an identical dose in the neutral setting. I felt extremely mindful and present while I was engaged in an activity. It wasn’t until I was home alone that my mind began ruminating, restless and paranoid. This drug doesn’t always feel great and when I start feeling bad it is really easy for it to amplify and spiral. I cannot urge enough to be mindful of mindset, conditions, stressors when taking this drug. I can force one to confront them in a disorienting way that can sometimes be productive but can also be quite destructive.

The PCP Trilogy 3: Museum

This is an experience I had planned for a while. What kind of setting would be a good foil for the deranged intensity of urban exploration? Dirty and physical. I needed something clean and cerebral, and the art museum fit the bill perfectly.

Many may be familiar with the “Museum Dose” coined by Daniel Tumbleweed, who published a collection of experiences with taking low dose psychedelics for various artistic spaces. Well, this is admittedly much higher than any museum dose by his standards. This was an insane dose to take in public frankly, that is a reckless thing to do that I very strongly say others should not do. But I wanted to experience the interaction between this drug and this space, this art, to its maximum. My schedule was very full and I only had one shot at this. I was really curious about how this would handle in public, especially such a tense and quiet and slow space. I was excited to see how the cognitive effects of the drug interacted with a wide variety of art- this museum was host to many world famous iconic pieces: Duchamp’s Nude Descending a Staircase and Bride Stripped Bare, Van Gogh’s Sunflowers, Brancusi’s Bird in Flight, Eakin’s The Gross Clinic, Picasso’s Three Musicians, the list goes on! It all made for a fun adventure that I was eager to embark on.

 

NOTE: THE DOSES I TAKE ARE EXTREMELY HIGH FOR ANYONE. I HAVE A HIGH TOLERANCE TO DISSOCIATIVES, NECESSITATING I TAKE SUCH HIGH DOSES. AN EXPERIENCE LIKE THIS WOULD BE FOUND AT AROUND 10-12 MG FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON. DO NOT TAKE THE DOSES I TAKE IN THESE REPORTS.

CW: Self harm

Age: 30

Weight: 130 lbs

Dosage: 28 mg intranasal

Setting: Philadelphia Museum of Art, My house

 

T0:00- Crushed up crystals and dosed intranasally. Sting slightly with an etherous odor. Makes me sneeze. I spend the next few minutes gathering things together to leave the house. My intention today is to go to our local art museum, a world renowned collection in za grandiose iconic neoclassical building.

 

T0:30- Leave my house, feeling a little lightheaded. And a little numb in my extremities. It is a sunny winter day, though still chilly, it is a welcome respite from a previous month of brutal cold and snow.

 

0:40- I feel tense, all of my muscles feel shorter and tighter. I am waiting for the subway now, immersed in the sickening damp stink of station, drenched in filthy snowmelt. The lights seem to glow especially bright and strobe. I am dizzy and feel a slight loss of equilibrium.

 

T0:50- Disembark from the subway and begin walking to the Philadelphia Museum of Art, a grand building reminiscent of a Greek Acropolis on a hill at the end of a long boulevard lined with trees and monuments. The experience seems to fade to the physicality of walking. I notice I have a bit of an uneven gait and wonder if I look slightly drunk to passerby, which may seem a little off for 3 in the afternoon. As I walk I become very immersed in my thoughts, in fantasies and grandiose plans in the arc of my life, drifting in a sort of autopilot as I grow disengaged from my surroundings and senses. PCP mania can make anyone feel grandiose. All one can think about is themself. A tense stimulation propels me forward with a bit of extra spring in my step.

 

T1:20- Arrive at the museum. I ascend the world-famous grand staircase easily, hardly feeling winded. Our art museum is spectacular one to behold- one of the archetypes of neoclassical architecture, a prominent temple replete with fluted Corinthian columns. I sit off to the side from the entrance and smoke a joint and gaze out over the skyline of the city. The sky is huge and blue and deep and cloudless, yawning over me as streamers of static and visual snow bubble up from the glass buildings, subtly flashing. Every form against the deep blue sky seems to be emitting waves and tracers into its abyss, with flashes of navy and green and terra cotta orange, flickering like translucent flames or riffles in a stream, all shimmering and pulsing and reverberating. The cannabis breathes a vivid life into these visuals and propels numbness through my fingers.

 

T1:30- I check in and am given admission without any issue. I am able to talk and communicate with strangers normally. I feel physically warm and floaty, there’s electricity in my limbs and anxiety in my nerves. Voices and sounds are echoing a lot around me, it makes the space cavernous and imposing and makes me feel very small. I feel the weight of all the human efforts to build and maintain this space. The echoes of hallowed halls.

 

T1:40- I need to orient myself with being indoors and around others. Wearing a mask makes me feel a little more secure and anonymous. At first I feel like a caged dog-perhaps this is still just leftover momentum from walking, but there is  motivation and energy in my bones, I have to get up, I have to go! -but I don’t. I’m in an art museum.

The first gallery I enter is for modern and contemporary art, starting from the mid 1800s’s. The ceilings are high, the space is tense and silent, and it weights, hefty and papery. I note how I feel so hot and constrained-was it wise to direct such a fast-paced drug to such a slow paced activity? But I stopped and I breathed. I looked deeply at one of my favorite paintings, Eduard Charlemonts “The Moorish Chief” – A stunning and stark piece on canvas, such stark points of white, such glowing, simmering color. These were paints that Charlemont placed on this canvas nearly 150 years ago. To feel the weight of dimension across time and space was like a lazy wind weaving me throughout the rest of the room. I pressed on, each step growing acutely aware of the space I was taking up and interacting on the rest of the world. It was a deafening silence, with my ears gripping the tiniest traces of scenes they could latch on to. While it was initially hard to break the general sense of social anxiety, it was good to remind myself, no one here cares about you. Dissociatives tend to lock one into a solipsistic navigation of their surroundings but it was good to consciously ground and remind myself that everyone is just here for the art. I could dissociate, and render myself anonymous, a sort of golem for the world’s gaze to project upon, and that was okay. Sounds reverberated and bounced around in zig-zag staccatos, trailing and bouncing and weirding, but it was no bother to me. I was piloting the ship, with lush eyes, eager to take in the creative efforts of humanity.

 

T2:20- I am navigating confidently. I am pleasing myself with the visuals and tracers framing each piece. I am delighted by the epic of each display, all surrounded by so much empty space, so stark and heavy and well composed, perfectly encompassing itself and the room around it. It feels alive and in balance.

I come to one of my favorite rooms- Cy Twombly’s Masterpiece, 50 days at Iliam, a. This is one of my favorite works of art in the world, I remember the awe of seeing it on my first bicycle day celebration on LSD, now almost 12 years ago. In current with its placement in this neoclassical palace, this is truly something to behold, the Iliad, laid out with the vibrancy and energy of the first Homeric tellings of the tale around a grand fire, burning through eternity. The energy burnished through my bones and propelled into me mania, brassy and grand and golden. It felt glorious and divine, as it always had. Mania is a crazy thing. I sat down and just took several deep breaths. And continued to take deep breaths. It was glorious and energizing. And I am glad I could recognize the deluded magnanimity of that and like, chill, and take a step back. I am just a person at the art museum on PCP, and this was just very cool.

 

T2:35- I continued outwards through the rest of the modern wing. I became wrapped up in the throes of manically constructing the trajectory of my life and fantasizing about the heights I could achieve. I can no longer be present or mindful, I am sucked into this self centered daze where I am just so inwardly focused that I am only paying the most cursory attention to the art as I drift by it. The thoughts are almost entirely consumed with my ego. Real “I’m the protagonist” Megalomaniacal kind of thinking. Arrogance and deluded senses of grandeur. It’s a good thing no one could read my thoughts. But I was excited, confident, and euphoric.

I Saw Van Gogh’s Sunflowers. His struggles with his mental illness were intimately familiar to me, I had in fact once written a term paper on the matter for an art history class a lifetime ago. I felt reflective on my own travails with despair, desperation, and drastic self harm. I had admittedly drastically harmed myself recently the violent throes of a bipolar episode. I wondered what he was thinking when he cut off his ear. I wonder how similar it was to what I was thinking when I did this. I wondered about the drive to push past ones own reasonable boundaries to create, about sacrificing one’s own wellbeing for the act and devotion of creation, about the heavy costs of creation and the existential struggle to properly express oneself and be understood and appreciated. I miss creating things, I miss making art and painting-maybe it would just be more pain and suffering, maybe it would be liberating-It is always hard to be present. The dissociated mind tends to wander. All variety of impressionist and post-impressionist paintings I walk past glitter and simmer as I drift about enveloped in myself.

 

T3:00- I feel like the peak of the experience is beginning to recede. It’s losing some of its edge, its depth. I feel less like a mind adrift, now more like the rays of sun laid flat on the walls. Grounded. I am more aware of my body. I feel thirsty. I become caught in an odd sort of loop of half-committedly attempting to navigate across the museum to the water fountains-deciding I feel fine- going back- deciding no- I am anxious I am dehydrated what if I faint in public- anxiety pulses and I do indeed feel faint! I pace about the museum and finally get a big drink of water and carry on. I wonder how the staff must perceive me, nervously and redundantly jetting about. Whatever. There is serenity in the madness.

I go now through the arms and armor exhibit. Always one of my favorites. I love military history. I find the material history of weaponry to be fascinating. I had seen this exhibit so many times before and admittedly drifted through It fairly quickly. These objects spoke to me as craft, craft to be battered down, cleaving through flesh and bone, severed vessels suckering to cold steel, intricately engraved with florets and flutations, channels for blood to flow down, elegantly. That these objects of beauty would be dented and twisted and subject to desperate throes of force and hatred. I was glad that I was not doing medieval warfare, as much as I liked to engage in it in digital form, but it was stark and timeless to behold. I quickly shot out of this exhibit into the echoing lobby where they were setting up for some nighttime event.

 

T3:23- The golem is crumbling, I am definitely on a downturn of effects. The locked in confidence that propelled me through the museum before has collapsed and fallen away. Suddenly I am again very aware of the space I’m taking up. I’m aware of the tension of silence in every room. I am terrified of breaking it with the tiniest noises of motion and humanity. I am feeling a bit anxious. But I want to press on. I go to the middle-European gallery. I chose this one because this is the one visit the least when I come to this museum. There were beautiful replicated spaces here, it is exciting to feel dissociated and feel like you can travel through time in those exhibits. I felt myself aimlessly wandering, perceiving things very materially as they were, looking mostly at the craft more than the intention in every bit of art I’m looking at. I guess I am dissociated from the humanity of it a little bit, perhaps in this state, dissociated from humanity, the vast expressions of humanity clatter like rain on a tin roof on my wearying anxious eyes and it feels perhaps unfortunate? That I could see these things and feel them through time but only as material, and miss the deeper sublime connection to the human who created it, their passion and spirit. It is truly dissociation.

 

T:3:45- I am getting kinda exhausted. I am a bit anxious, and a bit thirsty. I think I just want to go home.  The Museum was still open for another few hours for a big public event. It was going to grow more crowded. I was growing more anxious and aware of myself. I wish I could’ve visited the Asian Galleries and stood in the mockups of the sacred and utilitarian spaces of various cultures that this Museum has as an immersive experience; Perhaps that is an adventure for another time*.

 

T:4:00- I pass a normal interaction getting my coat from the coat check and step outside into the February cold. It’s getting dark. There’s a dull orange glow over the city. I was on autopilot as I drifted back to the subway station.

 

T4:30- I have to purchase crickets to feed my pet arachnids on the way home. My interaction with the clerks at the pet store feels completely normal if a little awkward. I think I come off as wild-eyed and off balance. They probably just think I’m drunk.

I then wait for the subway. I am looking on my phone, catching up on the day’s news. The big story of the day was a public spat between AI company Anthropic and the Secretary of Defense over the implementation of autonomous weapons and AI mass surveillance. It felt like monumental news at the time- like one of the most consequential moments in modern history- taking a stand to avert what could be a potential existential threat, perhaps the first major cracks beginning to show between the technofascist elite and the presidency they had helped propel into existence. Everything feels like the biggest most important news story ever on PCP though, and of course, this decision would likely end up being inconsequential with the tightening grip of the coming Iran war. I was engrossed in my phone for much of the subway ride and don’t recall much about my surroundings at the time.

 

T5:00- Home now, still a little numb and lightheaded with some mania and stimulation lingering with force. It got much colder after the sun set.

 

T:6:00- I take a hot shower, It feels wonderful. Auditory effects which I thought had faded came out in full force in the shower, the sound of water clattering around me twanging and flanging off the walls, similar to the soundscape of a good hit of nitrous. It felt like having my head in a metal can that someone was drumming on, the sounds reverberating through my skull and pulsing through my eyes. It was stimulating and delightful. I step out feeling refreshed and warm. I realize after that I should’ve been careful with this- a hot shower could raise my body temperature even higher and the lingering numbness could’ve made me unaware that I was burning myself with too-hot water. But I was ok.

 

T6:30- Eat dinner. It’s just some leftover pasta and pesto. I don’t have a ton of appetite but I did feel pangs of hunger. Despite that I can only eat a little before feeling full.

 

T7:00- Lingering stimulation and mania, but the physical dissociation aspect has mostly worn off. All that’s left of bodily sensations is some muscle tension. There is still a sense of awkward mental dissociation but it might also just be fatigue from having my brain run on hot and high for so many hours.

 

T8:00- Feel back to baseline more or less.  

 

T14:00- Go to sleep. Despite feeling back to normal it was even more difficult than normal to fall asleep, with thoughts racing and my internal monologue now. Sleep came eventually after some restless tossing and turning.

 

 *This possibility would unfortunately be precluded as I am no longer using dissociatives.

Conclusion: Wow. Wow is all I can say. This may not be a common experience, as this drug is often consumed in tense, stressful and filthy situations, but PCP fills me with such a sense of beauty and wonder. What better place to indulge in beauty and wonder than a world class art museum! But I found myself disappointed. The beauty of PCP is deeply isolated and at times exclusive. It doesn’t always enmesh well with external beauty. And certainly much of what I saw was truly beautiful in a resonant way that embraced deeper meaning, but something was missing, I felt like I was seeing many pieces for what they simply were physically, without feeling any connection to the human, the humans that sought to express themselves in this way, the emotions and subtext underlying each piece. I just couldn’t find it. A psychedelic would allow me to do so in spades. But it was wonderful for appreciating craftsmanship, like in the arms and armor exhibit, or in seeing every precisely placed brushstroke in each painting. Disappointingly, I also found it hard to stay mindful and present and really engage with and focus on the art to the degree I wanted to. I kept getting caught in manic loops and fantasies of grandeur, and kind of wandered the galleries in a solipsistic daze where I was so inwardly focused I just barely glossed over the art. I am not sure if dissociatives are really meant for art museums except perhaps for some historical exhibits. Perhaps visiting an anthropology museum that taps into the imagination would be more fruitful. Nevertheless, I thought this would be a fun spin on the museum dose, and most of all I wanted to demonstrate that a person can be on PCP in a very formal, peaceful public setting and not cause a scene or freak out and attack people. When taken in a controlled manner, it is merely another way to enhance and alter the way one experiences the world around them.

A New Assessment of Benzodiazepines and Benzodiazepine-like Compounds

This is version 2 of a piece I previously wrote, describing all of my experiences with benzodiazepines up until that point in my life. I have updated the intro a great deal and almost doubled the amount of compounds, along with reassessing some I had used more since I first wrote this article. The old version will not be deleted but any benzos in the sidebar will now link to this version.

People feel a lot of ways about benzodiazepines to say the least. I personally found great utility and benefit in them for specific purposes, and also a great deal of recreational potential. But it is impossible to talk about those benefits without weighing them against the immense costs that they can exact. Benzos can and will ruin lives if people are not careful, and they can do so very quickly.

While some of these compounds do not technically fit the standard benzodiazepine structure, and could be referred to as Thienodiazepines and the like. Their near identical mechanism of action however, will have me just lumping them as benzodiazepines and for shorthand I will be referring to them as such.

My personal trajectory for benzos began with pills purchased from friends and street dealers. Clonazepam and Alprazolam and Lorazepam, used sporadically when I could get them. My consistent use began with Etizolam, using it a few times a week fairly sustainably for a few years. I used it chaotically as I had no means of measuring its small doses and at the time liquid solutions weren’t widely available. I just had a bag of powder that I kept on my person at most times, along with a bobby pin or a honey locust thorn. I would dose by just dipping into the bag and licking the powder off. Repeated use made me pretty good at keeping the dose consistent. I introduced Flualprazolam into my rotation and found in it a utilitarian hypnotic. My curiosity was piqued and I sought out what range of experiences the rest of this family has to offer- With such an explosive variety of compounds currently on the market I had to wonder- what made each of these unique? The benzodiazepine experience is after all fairly standard and substances can at times be indistinguishable but I wanted to see for myself.

My primary directive in using benzodiazepines was usually a gentle end to a night of using other drugs, such as psychedelics, stimulants, or dissociatives, it would snuff out any residual stimulation and put me to sleep. They were also quite fun in their own right and I would often also spend some nights alone with them in a purely recreational space. I would almost always take them at night, to enjoy a few hours before bed. For a time they also were essential to my writing process, there was something about them that disinhibited my thoughts in a way where I could focus and pump out a great deal of writing in a short time, particularly when combined with manic dissociatives. This state, of course, carried many risks.

In 2020, I did slip into a period of mild physical dependence, but I was fortunately able to quickly taper off without incurring the nightmarish depths of what benzo discontinuation can afflict. I got mild withdrawal- overwhelming dread and anxiety, multiple sleepless days from the insomnia that still afflicts me, tightness and pain in my chest and persistent nausea. I got lucky, as this only lasted for about a week. For some who are deeper in, it is worse and more intense, and for much longer. I stayed off for a month or so, then gave up and came back. So long as I am a polydrug user, benzos were just too useful. For a time, I tracked my use in an excel sheet to monitor my usage and budgeted days per week. It's a fine line to walk on a slippery slope. 

When I first wrote this in 2021, my average use was 2-3 times a week, varying compounds, varying doses. At times it felt like I had built up a bit of a tolerance, though this would fluctuate wildly and can make it difficult to predict doses. Some days I will be blindsided by doses that would on other days be entirely manageable. This is perhaps connected to my regular use of NMDA antagonists, (eg; Steppuhn & Turski 1993). I find I can abstain for a time without experiencing discontinuation effects, and for a time, there didn’t seem to be kindling effects.

After several years however, the way that benzodiazepines affect me changed drastically. I almost never use them at all these days. I am not sure if this is now some sort of physiological kindling effect from repeated periods of using followed by extended periods of not using. Nowadays, when I use them, they make me amnesiac for the entire next day after the experience, sometimes up to 2 days depending on the compound. This can be annoying and inconvenient when living a life where I have to remember things. I also find myself just in a depressive, hopeless, anhedonic state, where I’m almost non-functional. I’m also beset by a persistent fatigue for the whole day that is annoying to say the least. It comes to a point where when I use them, I have to plan to have a day afterwards to do nothing, where no one tells me anything important I need to remember, where I will just be gloomy and lethargic. It is hardly worth it at all for a few hours of blissful creative confused anxiolytic euphoria the night before. I do find that they are still very beneficial for writing for me and still use them for that purpose, with the expected hangover day built in after.

It would not be responsible for me to write about benzos without writing about how absolutely, life-ruiningly destructive they can be. Benzodiazepines are probably the worst thing you can be addicted to, next to alcohol. Even in the deathly minefield of opioid addiction, you don’t risk actual death from withdrawal, something that benzos are fully capable of. Heavy addiction can take months to years to mitigate, if at all, and that entire period of time will be a drawn out torture of anxiety and cascading associated psychosomatic symptoms. They can be useful if used sparingly, but the moment that one develops a physiological dependance, they are on a path that will almost always only be navigated away from with great, great suffering, and the longer one is on that path, the greater the suffering will be. I would genuinely advise people to avoid them altogether, but ultimately I cannot make choices for people. And I would be remiss to deny that they have had benefits in my life, but those benefits have come from walking on a razor’s edge that could’ve plunged into a permanent oblivion had the right crisis or stressor struck at the right time.

It would also be irresponsible not to mention the extreme short term danger of benzodiazepines- their tendency towards compulsive redosing, the delusions of sobriety that can quickly turn into situations with drastic social or legal repercussions. The amnesiac effects are extremely dangerous and they can easily induce total blackouts, especially when combined with alcohol or other depressants (which also carries a risk of fatal respiratory depression). In these blackouts, people can undergo drastic shifts in behavior- they may suddenly find themselves aggressive, confrontational, kleptomaniac, offensive, or engaging in risky sexual behaviors they would not otherwise. This also lends to another dark side of benzodiazepines, where they are given to people without their consent for the purpose of sexual assault and rape, where the amnesic and disinhibiting or even sedating qualities benefit reprehensible predators. People will black out and operate motor vehicles, maiming or killing themselves or others. They will destroy relationships, harm their employment, fall into unrousable sleep at inopportune times, destroy themselves financially, and physically harm themselves and others. You can find plenty of testimonials to the dangerous acute effects of benzos on r/bartardstories.

But hey, they are pretty fun. Like, really damn fun. There is undeniable recreational appeal and they have a major cultural hold (per the “Xandemic” era of hip hop and pop culture in the late 2010’s). They can be wonderful for social situations and absolute ambrosia to the anxious. Prescription benzodiazepines, when carefully managed, have helped millions of people manage life-ruining anxiety. There is simply nothing on earth that has the power to immediately end a panic attack like benzodiazepines. The pandora’s box is already widely open, so why not talk about it?

Lastly, I would like to give an honorable mention to the “Z” drugs, a series of compounds that act similarly as positive allosteric modulators on the GABA_A receptor, but have an entirely different chemical structure. I have tried two of these, Zolpidem (Ambien) and Eszopiclone (Lunesta). I find them identical in effect, but Zopiclone gives me a nasty chemical-tasting side effect. Zolpidem is something that I use often. It will put me to sleep no matter what is in my system and gives no lingering side effects the next day. If I do not immediately fall asleep though, it is the ultimate danger drug- it consistently puts me in a state of total-amnesia, during which I engage in bizarre behaviors. This is common to many people- r/ambien is a testament. Personally, I have a tendency to become really clumsy and break things and arrange the pieces in organized piles of gradually smaller to larger. I do not know what causes this compulsion and aside from broken materials, it is ultimately silly and harmless. I have done and said all sorts of other strange things in Zolpidem blackouts that were embarrassing but trivial.  People can obviously do things on Zolpidem that are not merely silly and harmless, sometimes involving fire or motor vehicles. In times when I have dosed it and intentionally stayed awake to experience it, the bits I could remember were greatly euphoric and creative- with shadowy figures lurking in my periphery and a sensation that I was in a crowded room- the total blackouts with odd behavior were usually unintentional collateral damage for when my body wasn’t laid down fast enough to when effects took hold. I would typically dose at 10 mg. The effects would plateau around 30 mg – I have taken doses up to 100 mg and found them identical to 30 mg. It would never force me asleep- if I put myself in the setting and intention to fall asleep I would easily and immediately. If I didn’t-well- trouble would ensue.

 

For my judgment of each compound, I look to a number of metrics to characterize them- duration, potency, and the different proportions to which they express the varying effects. To give context and a point of reference for how the benzodiazepine experience manifests for me, the qualities I analyze are:

Amnesic: The degree to which the substance inhibits memory. It is rare that I get a full blackout, but hazy memory is definitely a consistent effect that can often linger for several days. This is usually how I can tell with certainty that the drug is having an effect.

Hypnotic: The sedating potential of the substance, both during the experience and in the following days.

Muscle relaxant: How much the substance affects muscle tension, physical sense of relaxation, and ultimately loss of motor control at higher doses.

Functional: How functional the substance is, particularly linked to its sedative, amnesic, and muscle relaxant properties, which act in constellation to affect overall functionality. Such properties can manifest in strong ways that may inhibit movement, linear thought, induce confusion, and reduce the ability to communicate coherently.

Euphoric/creative: This is why I love benzodiazepines. Some have an inherent euphoria, but what shines for me is their enormous creative potential. The effect I most seek from benzodiazepines is they offer a childlike imaginative immersion into any task at hand. Whether it be videogames, house chores, or tasks at work, my imagination would color these menial experiences with a creative veneer. Think to Calvin and Hobbes, where Calvin projects the worlds of his imagination onto the mundanities of his daily life. Benzos make me feel like Calvin.

Anxiolytic: The degree to which the drug reduces baseline or acute anxiety, the general sense of "calm" and well-being.

Disinhibiting: The degree to which the drug will lower inhibitions- whether that be socially or through inducing risk-taking behaviors and impulsive decisions.

Interaction with other drugs: The ability of the drug to reduce or cancel out stimulant effects of other drugs, abort terrifying hallucinogenic experiences, and the ability to induce sleep in the presence of stimulants. Also worth consideration is a possible synergistic or positive relation it may have with other substances, particularly dependent on dose.

 

The dose and response will be in reference to what I consider discreet tiers of intensity that benzos can offer.

Therapeutic dose: Yields the subtlest anxiolysis, a fleeting mist of amnesia, maybe a fleck of euphoria. Absolutely functional and outwardly sober.

Recreational dose: A compounding of effects that would compromise functionality, with burgeoning euphoria. I am certain that I am under the influence of this drug. I can for the most part disguise my high from others. It should be noted that this might not necessarily yield an enjoyable “recreational” experience, but rather the phrase is just to represent the midrange between a therapeutic dose and total inhibited intoxication.

Intoxicating dose: I can't maintain a coherent string of thought or conversation, I trail off and slur my words and have difficulty moving around, the amnesia strikes much of the experience from memory. I am visibly intoxicated to others.  It should be noted that some compounds seem to simply pass from recreational dose to hypnotic dose and bypass the intoxicated experience.

Hypnotic dose: A dose which ultimately just smothers out all other effects and puts me to an uncontrollable sleep no matter what task I'm engaged in. While sleep does come more easily with any dose of benzodiazepines, I consider a hypnotic dose to be one that forces me to sleep against my will. Many a time I've woken up somewhere that isn't my bed. This is typically a signifier of a very high dose- I can't seem to reach this point with certain compounds, and with others I simply haven't tried yet. 

 

So with those criteria in mind, here is a brief description of every benzodiazepine and benzodiazepine-like compound that I have ever consumed. Some were consumed just once when they crossed my path via friends or strangers. Others were consumed habitually. I factor this into my characterizations of each. My descriptions will be as detailed as I can make them.

Benzodiazepines vary a lot between people. I know for a fact that some of my experiences with some of these drugs are far different from what the majority of users describe. I do not intend of these descriptions to be objective fact, and I do not intend for this to be a reference book, tripsitter.com is a good objective reference. Nevertheless, I figured I would offer my vast range of experiences as another data point for the possibilities of what these drugs can do.

 

IMPORTANT NOTE: The dosages I list are purely a reference for me- due to my tolerance they may be slightly higher than what would be effective for a benzo-naive person. I do this to show the range of doses that will achieve certain effects. DO NOT use this as a dosage recommendation guide- turn to tripsitter for that. Thos information is shared just to provide context for my experiences. 

THESE ARE SIMPLY MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES WITH THESE COMPOUNDS. I AM NOT TRYING TO OBJECTIVELY DEFINE THEM. DRUGS ARE HIGHLY SUBJECTIVE IN MANY WAYS. MANY PEOPLE EXPERIENCE THESE DRUGS DIFFERENTLY THAN I DO. DO NOT USE THIS AS YOUR SOLE SOURCE OF INFORMATION FOR ANY OF THESE COMPOUNDS.

 

Substances listed in Alphabetical order. 

 

Alprazolam (Xanax)

By far the most famous benzodiazepine- It was like cocaine was to disco for a subset of soundcloud rappers, it’s heavy use and influence and constant reference in music led to the “Xandemic” era of the 2010s, it was so prevalent that one rapper even named himself after the drug. Alprazolam is a very standard and neutral benzodiazepine that delivers all of the expected effects, short acting, with a timid presence that definitely grows heavier with increasing doses. The short activity makes it primed for binging. It would drive euphoria and imagination, it was sufficiently hypnotic, fairly amnesic, especially if redosed. There's a reason it's so widely prescribed, and there's a reason people consume exorbitant amounts of Alprazolam. It really is fun to spend a day just tossing them back and certainly getting heavily incapacitated but still being conscious to enjoy it. It would only rarely force me asleep and it made sleep fast and easy. It had a fleeting presence in my life, I would grab some whenever it crossed my path but that was rare, usually via a friend with a prescription or street dealers (which has become incredibly dangerous in the age of Fentanyl). Oddly enough I still have never had an Alprazolam "bar", all the pills I've encountered have been other forms.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .5-1 mg

Recreational: 1-3 mg

Intoxicated: 3+ mg

Hypnotic: 5+ mg

Duration would be typically be 4-6 hours, with little effects the next day. 

 

Bromazepam

Bromazepam is sold as a prescription pretty much everywhere but the U.S., in a wide variety of names. It’s a fairly short acting benzo, light and functional and very recreational. There are only faint lingering effects into the next day, and only with higher doses. It is pleasant and euphoric and sociable and pretty coherent. I don’t even feel particularly intoxicated with high doses though I haven’t really pushed it too far yet. Definitely a treasure, a shame it’s so rare in the U.S.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 0-6 mg

Recreational: 6-14 mg

Intoxicated: 14+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would be typically be 5-10 hours depending on dose

 

 

Bromazolam

When researching novel benzodiazepines, Bromazolam showed a lot of promise in online discussion. Users reported strong recreational effects- euphoria, a nice sedation, and a sense of gentle hazy warmth. This is one of the most amnesic compounds I have consumed. Even short term memory was compromised which made holding a conversation difficult. It is sufficiently sedating, and it has a pleasant warmth to it that is absent from other benzodiazepines. It is good for spending a night relaxing on something soft. What I did not like however, was the intensity of the amnesic effects- especially in that they persisted for multiple days even after the other effects had receded. This would lead to me inadvertently and unexpectedly losing days which I would've liked to remember. I saw little mention of this in online discussion, but upon bringing it up, a handful of people reported a similar experience. This is a nice and useful and gentle benzo, sublimely relaxing, warm and sociable, but losing the next 2 days of my life with little other effects during that time is a dealbreaker for me.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: not attempted

Recreational: 4-6 mg

Intoxicated: 6+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 6-8 hours, with amnesic effects continuing into the next 1-2 days. 

 

Clonazepam (Klonopin, Rivotril)

Clonnazepam is a fun benzodiazepine. It has a rushing euphoria, and an impeccable creative drive. It is long lasting- but most of all it lets me feel really really high without being fully compromised. It's an intense and bright and imaginative high, where I feel motivated and content, near blissful. A lower dose was perfect for social situations. A higher dose was a wonderful way to spend a night playing videogames or making a menial task more fun. This was my first exposure to longer lasting benzos, and was my first hard lesson in memory fog lasting well into the next day. It also was the first one I had ever consumed recreationally.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .5-1 mg  

Recreational: 1-2.5 mg

Intoxicated: 2.5+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 8-20 hours depending on dose

 

Clonazolam

Clonazolam has a bit of a reputation. Any foray into an online research chemical community will yield people who believe this drug has some sort of infernal provenance, that it is a curse upon mankind.

Yet, it is one of the most common item seen in the stock of online vendors, it is clearly immensely popular and there is clearly very high demand for it. For the uninitiated, Clonazolam's reputation is owed to many things. It has an extraordinary potency, with active doses well in the sub-mg range. It tends to be very amnesic. It has a relatively long duration, similar to Clonazepam. The potency and amnesic tendencies can be a recipe for disaster. Clonazolam also has a reputation as a last stop for heavy benzodiazepine addicts, as the potency and duration ultimately offer the most financially sustainable way to maintain a severe habit. Personally however, I find Clonazolam to be fairly unpleasant. For me, it is extremely sedating. The times I have tried it I have inadvertently slept through my alarms and missed various obligations. Until it has left my body, I am in a groggy amnesiac fog where I feel like I could doze off if I blink too long (save for the first few hours, which can be pretty functional, if a bit hazy and unremarkable). I am rendered useless for a day or two and don't gain much from it. It was never particularly euphoric or imaginative for me, perhaps owing to its smothering sedation. It is definitely good if you want to skip a day of your life or two. I somehow never managed to fully black out on it, thankfully. I cannot imagine using this every single day, but I'm sure a tolerance smooths its edges out a bit. It seems like a drug that is meant to serve the needs of those who need to maintain a heavy habit and nobody else. 

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: not attempted  

Recreational: .5-1 mg

Intoxicated: 1+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 10-20 hours depending on dose

 

Deschloroetizolam

A lot of people look down on poor deschloroetizolam- it’s not potent enough, it doesn’t last long enough, and the biggest complaint of all- it’s not exactly like etizolam- many don’t read past the name and expect it to be exactly the same. And for most, potency and similarity to etizolam is desired. However, there is utility in something short acting that can be roughly measured with a scale (I was able to access an expensive very high accuracy balance for this)- though it does sit in that sweet spot of being too potent to be reliably measured on most at-home scales, but also being impotent enough that it would be annoying to dose volumetrically or prepare a properly concentrated solution. Perhaps pressed pills are the way to go for this one, but no one has bothered yet. But I digress- it is indeed a short acting benzo, simple and neutral, maybe slightly euphoric but mostly just a nice one for a comedown that doesn’t bleed too much into the next day.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 1-4 mg  

Recreational: 4-15 mg

Intoxicated: 15+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 7-12 hours depending on dose

 

 

Diazepam (Valium)

Diazepam is well known as a golden standard for benzodiazepines, one of the first to appear on the market way back in the 60's. I had been seeking it out for years, just to try it for reference, and just by sheer fortune, an abundance of it appeared before me. Diazepam is a very middle of the road benzodiazepine- I use the term neutral a lot to describe benzos and it really expresses that it delivers the advertised experience without anything extraneous to remark on. It neatly checks all the boxes- anxiolytic, euphoric, a tad sedating, amnesic in higher doses. Its a lucid and functional benzo, which is probably the property to which it owes its commercial success. Something I have noted about this compound is that it is hardly sedating at all- to the point that it is actually completely ineffective at silencing the tail end of stimulants and putting me to sleep. I have gone up to 30 mg and ended up laying in bed staring at the ceiling until dawn broke, I was certainly hazy but it ultimately lacked the power to snuff out the other drugs coursing through my system. It is a subtle benzo that works in the background. Something I noticed is that the onset is very rapid, which is probably useful in addressing acute episodes of anxiety. While it is common knowledge that Diazepam is long lasting, the effects seemed to leave me fairly rapidly, and I rarely would get amnesia lasting into the next day. Maybe I just metabolize it differently.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 5-20 mg

Recreational: 20-40 mg

Intoxicated: 40+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 8-12 hours depending on dose

 

Diclazepam

If one is seeking coherent information on Diclazepam here, they are in the wrong place. I really cannot wrap my head around this drug. Its activity is questionable and I personally have never felt remarkable effects from it, even when taking what is considered a "heavy" dose. This seems to be a point of contention- sifting through internet discussions on Diclazepam one will find two camps- those who claim that it is a subtle drug without any noticeable effects, that simply functions to keep a user with a dependence well and that there is no "high" or intoxication to speak of. The other side will claim that it is indeed very psychoactive and can be quite intoxicating, and that those who claim it is subtle have been using bunk batches of the compound. I am of the former camp, though I have also only worked with one batch. I have not had the opportunity to get it tested. When I brought this up for discussion, it quickly turned contentious with people on either side of the debate passionately defending their positions. For now, I can't say I can definitely comment on this drug. I have taken doses up to 8 mg and the only noticeable effects I had were excess salivation and loss of libido- which was still very interesting to note, those are not things I normally experience from benzodiazepines. When I ingest it, there is definitely something having an effect on my body, but it's hard to discern much else. Having only tried this one batch it's hard for me to say anything definitive on this contentious compound. Perhaps this information will become more clear in the future.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: n/a

Recreational: n/a

Intoxicated: n/a

Hypnotic: n/a

Duration for me is maybe a couple hours. Hard to say when the effects are barely discernible.

 

Etizolam

Etizolam is by far my favorite benzodiazepine (technically a thienodiazepine but oh well). This is by a significant margin the one I have the most experience with, the one I use most regularly and probably the most enjoyable yet utilitarian of the whole lot. Etizolam is sublimely euphoric and imaginative. So many cozy nights were spent wiling away the hours playing videogames while fuzzed out on Etizolam. It always felt exciting and colorful, yet relaxing and gentle at the same time. It isn't too sedating unless I push doses higher, at which point it becomes intensely intoxicating and confusing, eventually passing into a disoriented sleep. Residual amnesia would often last into the next day. It is bubbly and sociable and allows for free-flowing conversation. It can be useful for so many different situations. While it used to be my standard trip killer/sleep aid, my use of Flualprazolam no longer allows it to serve this purpose. For now it is simply something that is a great pleasure on its own. This is the standard to which I compare every other benzodiazepine.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .5-1.5 mg

Recreational: 1.5-6 mg

Intoxicated: 6-8 mg

Hypnotic: 8+

Duration would typically be 6-12 hours depending on dose

 

Flualprazolam

Flualprazolam is my other most-used benzodiazepine, and another one with notable utility. The utility in this case is sedation. I have never encountered another benzodiazepine that offers such an instant and workable sedation without dragging on for days. There is no hypnotic that will knock me out like Flualprazolam, period. No matter what else is coursing through my system, this drug will slip its hand over my face, conquer all, and put me to sleep. A long, restful, and very deep sleep, dependent on dosage. Higher doses are the kind of sleep where I will effortlessly drift through my alarms. I have learned that it will sneak up on me no matter what I'm doing- I've woken up with my laptop still open or in places that aren't my bed on several occasions, when I take a dose of this I must accept that the night has come to an end. Lower doses can be recreational, in which it is a hazy drowsy kind of high without much push behind it. This is particularly enhanced when combined with a low dose of a basic stimulant like caffeine. Otherwise, this serves the purpose of putting me to sleep in any situation, especially after taking other drugs. It was unfortunately my overuse of this that led to me developing a slight dependence to benzodiazepines, and my use of it is probably the reason I have great difficulty sleeping unaided nowadays. It is a great power that must be used responsibly. 

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: <.5 mg

Recreational: 1-1.5 mg

Intoxicated: ~1.5 mg

Hypnotic: 1.5+ mg

Duration would typically be 6-12 hours depending on dose

 

Flubromazepam

Flubromazepam is one of those rare benzos that can be reliably measured on a standard mg scale. Flubromazepam is also distinct for me in its absurd duration, a memory fog that can drag on for 3 days or more. Like many long lasting substances, there is a very long, slow comeup, it can be up to 3 hours before peak effects are felt. I have only taken it a few times, usually during depressive episodes, where I seek to just skip through time. It is not something to be taken lightly and its a blessing that it is fairly impotent- otherwise it would be an extremely dangerous substance to handle. The actual experience is blank and neutral, listlessly drifting through time. There isn't much to remark on, no imaginative rush, no heavy sedation, not even a full-on blackout, just a lingering haze. 

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: not attempted

Recreational: 8-14 mg

Intoxicated: 14+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 24-72 hours depending on dose

 

Flubrotizolam

Flubrotizolam first appeared on the market through clearnet vendors that actually pressed them into bars labeled “Fanax”. These were a delight to play with though fell out of rotation eventually- this compound then appeared again as powder and solutions more typical of the mailing list/old discord server type vendors. This is a lovely compound, definitely one of my higher tier benzos. It is consistently euphoric and imaginative (though this property has faded somewhat with many repeated uses), and sufficiently sedating to sleep with should the need arise. Sometimes a little too sedating to enjoy at higher doses, and also makes me quite floppy and clumsy and uncoordinated- I find this one shines the most at mid-level doses.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .25-1 mg

Recreational: 1-2 mg

Intoxicated: 2-6 mg

Hypnotic: 6+ mg

Duration would typically be 6-12 hours depending on dose

 

 

Fluclotizolam

I should first say that the doses I have listed here should be taken with a grain of salt, as the only sample I tried came from a vendor who had a reputation for under-dosed solutions. Maybe it just hits different for people with heavier tolerances, but these doses are based on the assumption that the potency listed on the label was true. I have a tendency to prefer shorter acting benzos, as I don’t like being put out for days with the longer ones that tend to drag on for me. Fluclotizolam is perfect for me, much like temazepam. A brief night of fun and euphoria, then waking up feeling fine the next day. I found it to be pleasant and joyous for its brief lifespan. I ran through my small sample very quickly and was not able to obtain any more since, a shame because it’s so useful.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .25-.75 mg

Recreational: .75-1.5 mg

Intoxicated: 1.5-2 mg

Hypnotic: 2+ mg

Duration would typically be 3-5 hours depending on dose

 

Flubromazolam

Similar in name to Flubromazepam and somewhat similar in effect. Another long haul benzo. This however, has the distinction of being extremely potent and extremely hypnotic. This is not a substance to be trifled with. For reference I only took it once- I really cannot see any utility driving me to take this again. It is also quite long lasting, droning on for multiple days. Unlike Flubromazepam, those days were spent near-non-functional, the drowsiness overcame everything to leave me listless and useless. Similar to Clonazolam, but even longer lasting. I do not see much purpose in this drug, unless one has a heavy benzo tolerance and severe insomnia and needs something long, potent, and sedating.

My only trial was a dose of 400 μg. It was functional, within what would be considered the "recreational" range for other substances, save for the heavy sedation. It lasted for about 60 hours.

 

Flunitrazepam (Rohypnol)

Rohypnol, also called roofies, has a sordid reputation as the drug of choice for date rapes, particularly throughout the 90’s and early 2000’s. While never marketed or sold in the U.S., it could be bought easily from Mexico, and seemed ubiquitous among slimy unsavory types for a period of time. Later formulations sought to lower the dose and add a blue dye for detectability- present in the sample I was able to try. Its popularity for dosing people without their consent was due to its high potency and highly amnesiac qualities. When taken at one’s own volition with one’s own consent however, it is a highly enjoyable compound suitable for sleep and casual recreational use. It is one of the shorter acting benzos, which fits my needs as I am always seeking something that won’t leave me as hungover the next day. It is highly euphoric and sociable, and highly hypnotic- I feel as though I need an energy drink to enjoy it to its maximum potential. I actually didn’t find it particularly amnesic at lower doses, but higher doses definitely so. Overall it’s a sedating but quite pleasurable compound with a short enough duration for casual use. But if encountered it should be kept away from any fraternity brothers at all costs.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 1 mg

Recreational: 1-3 mg

Intoxicated: 3-5 mg

Hypnotic: 5+ mg

Duration would typically be 4-6 hours depending on dose

 

Flunitrazolam

Another ultra-potent compound, another heavy sedative, another one I only tried once that I don't feel eager to revisit. Unlike other ultra-potents, this compound is extremely short lasting. There wasn't much of a 'high' to speak of, just a sudden sleepiness as though I had taken doxylamine or melatonin. There is no residual grogginess into the next day- in fact it was quite the opposite- it quickly and assertively induced sleep but it was a short and restless sleep that had me waking up early the next day not feeling groggy but not feeling well-rested either. The next day however, I felt stimulated, on edge, as though the short and acute experience had suddenly induced a rebound stimulation. My muscles were tense and twitchy, my teeth clenched, I was fidgeting and anxious all day. While I can see a short-acting and super-potent hypnotic as being useful, I am hesitant to revisit a compound that seems to have induced mild withdrawal effects the next day.

My only trial was with a 200 μg dose, which yielded almost no effects beyond a slight amnesia. About an hour and a half later an additional 250 μg was added, which induced a rapid and powerful drowsiness. There was no "high" to speak of between baseline and sleep. While I went to sleep it appears to have left my system before I woke up- I would place the total duration probably somewhere between 2-4 hours.

 

Flurazepam (Dalmane)

Flurazepam is essentially the same as Norflurazepam (While that entry is alphabetically later, I wrote it chronologically first, it can be referred to for the details of this experience). This makes sense of course, Flurazepam is a prodrug for Norflurazepam. In short, it is long lasting, a heavy and floppy muscle relaxant with sufficient sedation and amnesic effects. Flurazepam came in the form of capsule dosed at 30 mg in the most beautiful cerulean color- noticeably less potent than Norflurazepam. It felt like it had a longer duration too. These properties can likely be attributed to pharmacokinetics.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 30 mg  

Recreational: 30-60 mg

Intoxicated: 60+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would be typically be 15-24 hours depending on dose

 

Flutazolam (Coreminal)

Flutazolam is sold and marketed only in Japan, under the name Coreminal. Like Flurazepam, metabolizes into Norflurazepam, though it is also active in its own right. I found the effects to be mild and unremarkable, even at higher doses it mostly manifested as a light sedation and amnesia and not much else. Nothing in the way of euphoria or muscle relaxant effects for me. The amnesic effects lasted for a decent amount of time, but ultimately, I did not find much to say for this one.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .2-4 mg  

Recreational: 4-12 mg

Intoxicated: 12+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would be typically be 8-20 hours depending on dose

 

Lorazepam (Ativan)

I have limited experience with this compound, only trying it a few times when offered by friends. I wouldn't say I can fully characterize it, as the doses I took were either so low they were hardly noticeable, or so high that I was fully intoxicated. It is generally regarded as a short-acting and mild benzo, and it was certainly mild when I wasn't taking a handful of them. When I was fully intoxicated though, it was a confusing rush, dizzying and aloof. I had fun, I felt silly, I can't fully remember what happened but I remember bordering on delirious. I kept thinking people were in my living room that weren't actually there, that imaginary friends were unexpectedly visiting. It felt like I was in a crowded room. It seems it induced more short-term than long-term amnesic effects, as according to others, I apparently had difficulty maintaining continuity in tasks. I would love to experiment with this one more in a more controlled manner- it's not to be dismissed, it is certainly something interesting.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 1 mg

Recreational: n/a

Intoxicated: 6+ mg

Hypnotic: not attempted

Duration would typically be 4-6 hours.

 

Loprazolam (Dormonoct)

This is a fairly standard middle of the road benzo, similar to Alprazolam. Light euphoria, moderate sedation. I only encountered this on the tail end of my quest to try every benzo and just didn’t have a lot of interest or motivation to characterize it so I didn’t really play it out with different settings much. But there wasn’t much to it that stood out to me.

Therapeutic: .5 mg

Recreational: 1-2 mg

Intoxicated: 2+ mg

Hypnotic: not attempted

Duration would typically be 5-10 hours.

 

Meclonazepam

Meclonazepam is lovely. I only say this because it is near-identical to clonazepam, just a bit less potent. I doubt I could distinguish between the two of them in a blind test. Meclonazepam incidentally is also used as a deworming agent, killing the parasite Schistosoma mansoni, responsible for the disease Schistosomiasis. The same euphoric, creative rush, the same duration, the same degree of sedation and amnesia. Clonazepam is something I hold close to my heart, a friend of Clonazepam is a friend of mine and I've found it in Meclonazepam. There were a few odd incidents where the potency of it was significantly greater than expected, suddenly leaving me in a full blackout at what I thought was a normal recreational dose. I am not sure what the reason for that was.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .5-1 mg  

Recreational: 5-10 mg

Intoxicated: 10+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would be typically be 8-20 hours depending on dose

 

Mexazolam (Melex)

Mexazolam is a benzodiazepine mostly sold and marketed in Japan. Mexazolam is like Flutazolam, in that it is both active in its own right and a prodrug for other benzodiazepines- in the case of Mexazolam, it is metabolized into Delorazepam (the active metabolite of Diclazepam) and Lorazepam, also known as Ativan. As expected when compared to those other two compounds, this benzo is subtle and mild. It is mostly a foggy amnesia, barely discernible as I drift through the days. None of the weird hallucinatory effects of Lorazepam.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .5-2 mg  

Recreational: 2-6 mg

Intoxicated: 6+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would be typically be 8-20 hours depending on dose

 

Midazolam (Versed, Dormicum)

Midazolam is an interesting case for a benzo- it is used widely in medical contexts- in fact it serves as a sort of standard for what is used for slowing breathing/heart rate or as a sedative (sometimes to involuntarily sedate people, but more often for full anesthesia). In these medical contexts it is almost always a solution that is administered intravenously or intramuscularly, sold as “Versed”. It is a WHO essential medicine. In that regard, it also found a more unsavory use, in executions by lethal injection in the United States. Intended as a sedative in a cocktail of deadly compounds, it has run into controversy for incidents where it didn’t fully sedate the executionee, resulting in undue suffering. While prescription use is nonexistent in the U.S., it is sold in other countries as tablets for oral use, typically under the name Dormicum. It is a delightful compound, it hits fast and has a moderately short duration. It has strong muscle relaxant properties and feels quite floppy and uncoordinated. It has a euphoric rush but also a confusing headspace- there is a brief shock of more intense amnesia and then a sort of stupefied confusion, though there is a pleasurable acceptance of circumstances that sits throughout the experience. It is moderately sedating.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 7-15 mg  

Recreational: 15-30 mg

Intoxicated: 30+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would be typically be 4-5 hours depending on dose

 

Nitrazepam (Mogadon)

Nitrazepam is one of those benzos that falls into the category of useful but not fun for me. It’s a heavy sedative. There isn’t any particular creative or anxiolytic drive above the baseline that I can see serving any kind of social function or anything. It is mostly just sedating and drowsy. It’s a lazy sleepy boring thing that acts fast and lasts a moderate amount of time. There isn’t much else to note about it.

Therapeutic: 2.5-5 mg  

Recreational: 5-10 mg

Intoxicated: 10-15 mg

Hypnotic: 15+ mg

Duration would be typically be 6-8 hours depending on dose

 

Norflurazepam

Norflurazepam is another compound that is cited as being perfect for a taper, in the vein of Diazepam and Diclazepam. This is owing to its low potency, allowing for doses to be precisely adjusted, and its purported long half life. For me, the experience did not drag on for days as I expected. Perhaps for those with dependence, this would be a subtle tail that would keep them well for long enough to maintain a stable taper. I found that most of the acute effects departed in a reasonable amount of time. In terms of the experience this drug offers, it is fairly standard for a benzodiazepine, similar to Diazepam. It is a bit more sedating and intoxicating at higher doses than Diazepam can be, and I would say it has greater recreational potential in that regard. A perfectly somewhat above-average compound. Not too hazy or amnesic, can put me to sleep and overwhelm other substances without interfering with my day to day life. 

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 5-10 mg  

Recreational: 15-20 mg

Intoxicated: 30+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 10-16 hours depending on dose

 

Oxazepam

This is some good stuff! I love Oxazepam, it quickly became one of my favorites in the limited amount that I had access too. This was a supremely energizing and creative and euphoric benzo. Energizing in that weird benzo way, not stimulating, but would make me feel motivated in the way that pushing anxiety aside will do. It is functional and not super sedating, I don’t know how effective it would be at putting me to sleep. It had a moderate duration with a slight hangover the next day.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 15-30 mg  

Recreational: 30-90 mg

Intoxicated: 90 mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 8-12 hours depending on dose

 

 

Pyrazolam

In the large suite of novel unmarketed benzodiazepines I have triedPyrazolam has proven to be the most desirable and useful of the batch. It is a highly functional benzodiazepine that falls into a goldilocks "just right" zone in terms of sedation, able to snuff out other experiences and put me to sleep but absent of overwhelming hypnotic effects. It is perhaps one of the least amnesic benzos I have consumed- I doubt I could black out on this no matter how hard I try. While it is distinctly slightly hazy, even into the next day, it seem the amnesic effects simply cap off and do not increase past a midrange dose. At higher doses it is certainly fun and recreational, at lower doses it is quietly anxiolytic and would be perfect for needing to do things in public with less anxiety. It is not quite as recreational or intense as Etizolam but it fits neatly into my rotation and serves a specific utility that I find quite valuable. 

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 2-4 mg  

Recreational: 4-6 mg

Intoxicated: 8+ mg

Hypnotic: n/a (never reached this point)

Duration would typically be 8-12 hours depending on dose

 

Rilmazafone (Rhythmy)

Rilmazafone is noteworthy for not being a benzodiazepine in and of itself, but rather being a prodrug for the benzodiazepine Rilmazolam. Rilmazafone doesn’t contain the 7-member ring that characterizes the benzodiazepines, rather the ring is formed upon its metabolism through a cyclization reaction. Rilmazafone is water soluble, unlike most benzos. This property raises the question- can it be snorted? I wouldn’t recommend it. It likely wouldn’t do anything, as Rilmazafone itself is completely inactive, and metabolism is done in the small intestine. But also, I imagine it would hurt like hell with pure powder- I attempted a sublingual dose and found myself left with a nasty sore from the drug’s causticity- I imagine snorting it would burn a great deal. The effects are none too exciting, mostly just sedation and a bit of amnesia. Higher doses there is something noticeable, something that can sometimes be pleasant but is more often than not just that dull sedation. It’s short acting and can be useful when a quick, neutral sedative is needed without too much hangover, though effects can linger with very high doses.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .5-2 mg  

Recreational: 2-5 mg

Intoxicated: 5-7 mg

Hypnotic: 7+ mg

Duration would typically be 4-8 hours depending on dose

 

Temazepam (Restoril)

Temazepam has risen through the ranks to be one of my favorite benzos of all time. So many fond memories of chowing down on those bright orange capsules on a cold winter day, reveling in a delightful and euphoric experience, getting a cozy sleep, and waking up feeling completely fine the next day. The short duration was a blessing, it was a great way to get to sleep at a reasonable time when coming off of something more stimulating late at night and there would be no lingering amnesia or fatigue the next day. The experience was rich and insightful and purely hedonistic at times, it was fantastic for playing videogames or just lounging in glowing comfort. Upon further review over time it has actually become probably my favorite benzodiazepine and the main one I use. The lack of hangover the next day is probably its main draw, along with being highly euphoric still.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: 30 mg  

Recreational: 30-60 mg

Intoxicated: 60-100 mg

Hypnotic: 100+ mg

Duration would typically be 6-8 hours depending on dose

 

Triazolam (Halcion)

Nikki Sixx of Mötley Crüe espoused the virtues of snorting Halcion, in his case combined with cocaine in a concoction he called zombie dust. The drug began to fall out of favor when serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer used it to subdue his victims. Two things about Triazolam are quite remarkable- the first that it is one of the few water-soluble benzos- meaning that it can be snorted. The second is that it is quite sedating and fast acting. It is generally less potent when snorted however. There is probably a substantial loss in potency from how diluted the drug is relative to filler when the pills are snorted- pure powder would likely retain full potency. No idea how bioavailable it would be this route compared to oral- the data for that relation simply doesn’t exist for other benzos. When taken orally it is fairly euphoric, but mostly heavy and amnesic and sedating. Really great as a sedative, there is probably some fun there if the sedation can be counteracted, perhaps Nikki was on to something when he combined it with cocaine (not that I would suggest doing that!). When taken orally (or sublingually) it hits really fast with a heavy wave of relaxation.

My typical oral dosage (with tolerance) would be: 

Therapeutic: .25-.5 mg  

Recreational: .5-1 mg

Intoxicated: 1-1.25 mg

Hypnotic: 1.25+ mg

Duration would typically be 4-6 hours depending on dose